Title: The right time for forgiveness.
Author: Sarah
E-mail: taraka66@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB. I’ve just borrowed them.
Summary: Xander needs to say goodbye.
Authors notes: This is set after The right time to say goodbye, so you should really read that one first. It is eight years in the future. Xander left after graduation and didn’t return. I’ve tampered with the timeline subsequently.
Feedback: A really silly question, I love your feedback! It helps me to think of new ideas, and helps my fingers type quicker.
Dedication: As
always to everyone at WXFic and Xanderships, especially Louise, GM, Cri, Bri,
Jess, Chad, Emma, Carola, Christi and Laura. You guys rock!
The sequel as promised!
Seeing him standing there in
Buffy’s house had been like seeing a ghost from my past.
For eight long years I’d heard nothing.
Not a postcard, e-mail or phone call.
It was as if he’d walked off the face of the Earth.
I’d finally moved on with my
life, laying his ghost to rest. Everything was finally beginning to fall into
place; I was beginning to live my life rather than being an observer of everyone
else’s.
I enjoyed teaching. At work
I’d met Mark. He wasn’t Xander,
but he’s nice. He cares for me. I care for him, but I can’t imagine spending
the rest of my life with him. But for now, he’s enough.
Well he was, until I saw Xander again.
I watched from the doorway as he
poured out his heart to Buffy, apologising for leaving. Didn’t he realise it
was too late? Too late to apologise,
he should have said sorry a long time ago.
But he didn’t. He chose to
run away. Run away from his home,
his friends. From me.
Buffy explained that she
didn’t know how I was going to react. How
could she when I didn’t know how I was going to react myself? My mind was
whirling, trying to put all of the emotions I felt into some kind of order.
I waited for his response, my heart shuddering with anticipation, hoping
that he would stay; but part of me was hoping that he would go away again, so
that I won’t have to bring all of the emotions I’d hidden for so long back
to the surface.
After a pause he finally
replied, “If she’s really happy. I’ll go.
I can’t hurt her again. I’ve
hurt her too many times in the past.”
He was making the decision for
me, not even having the courtesy to ask my opinion. My emotions changed to those
of anger that bubbled to the surface, and I couldn’t control it any more.
“How dare you make that decision for me!” I shouted before I could
stop myself.
He turned to face me, his
beautiful chocolate brown eyes full of pain.
A pain that I’d seen mirrored in my own eyes everyday since he left.
My eyes filled with tears and my
heart ached. I decided to make the decision for him. I turned and hurried out of
the front door leaving him and my past behind me.
I walked for a while, not really
sure where I was going. I ended up
in the park, sitting by the swings and the sandpit.
I watched as two children play
in the sand. The little girl was
holding the bucket carefully as the little boy scooped in the sand.
When they’d filled the bucket, they carefully turned it over, allowing
the sand to fall out.
Their faces broke out into
enormous smiles as they admired their achievement. I couldn’t help but to smile with them. They reminded me of how Xander and I used to be.
Happy to spend as much time as we could together, but we grew up,
changed, moved on. Well, Xander
moved on.
I sighed. I’d
done what he’d done to me so often. I’d
run away, run away from him and my feelings.
I need to face him, especially if I want to be happy, because the way I
felt now is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life.
* * * * * * * *
I inhaled deeply as I knocked on
Buffy and Oz’s door. I waited for
it to open, not really sure where to start.
I just hoped that I could hold everything together long enough to explain
how I felt.
The door opened slowly revealing
Oz, who was smiling gently at me.
“Hi.” I smiled weakly,
drained from all of the emotions I’d felt today.
“Hi. Come in,” he replied,
his blue eyes searching mine.
I walked into the hallway, my
heart pounding in my chest. “Is
he still here?”
Oz shook his head, waiting for
me to fall apart like the first time he left.
“Oh.” I felt the tears I’d
been fighting well up again in my eyes. He
still had the power to control my life and emotions, even after eight years.
Oz pulled me into his arms,
offering me the comfort I had once sought in Xander. Buffy and Oz had supported me, helped me to move on.
And how was I repaying them? By falling apart again.
I stopped crying, setting my
face into a look I hadn’t used in years. I pulled away from the security of
Oz’s embrace.
Oz smiled “Resolve face?”
I nodded.
“It’s time to sort everything out with Xander.
He’s run away too many times. I’m not letting him run away again.
I can’t.” I smiled. It felt great to be in control of my life again.
Something I hadn’t felt for a very long time.
A thought hit me.
I didn’t know where Xander lived.
America is a very big country to find someone, especially if they’re
not too keen on being found.
“What is it Willow?” Oz asked, concern clouding his face.
“I don’t know where to start
looking. I don’t know where
he’s hiding.”
“Maybe this will help.” He
said as he picked up an envelope from the table and passed it to me.
“Xander asked me to give it to you.”
I nervously took the envelope
from his hands. The familiar
handwriting made my heart crumble. I
hadn’t seen it for so long. I
remembered spending weeks when we were in kindergarten helping him to learn to
write his name. He’d found
writing Alexander difficult and he didn’t want to be called Alex, because
there was a little girl in our class called Alex, and there was no way he was
going to have a girl’s name. So
I’d christened him Xander. He was
so pleased with his new name that he spent every spare minute practising writing
it until it was perfect.
As the memory faded, I finally
built the courage to open the envelope. I
watched my as my hands tore the fragile paper, exposing its precious contents.
I pulled the letter from the
envelope and began to read. I felt
the tears fall from my eyes as I can no longer control them.
As I read, Xander’s pain filled my heart and soul.
Dear Willow,
If you’re
reading this I’ve obviously not had the courage to face you. I will admit it
freely. I am a coward. A coward for
not admitting how much I love you. A
coward for running away eight years ago. A
coward for running away again.
I’m sorry I
left eight years ago. I know sorry
isn’t enough to make up for the pain I caused, but it’s all I can say.
I couldn’t
stay. I couldn’t watch you love
Oz. I knew he was right for you, he
loved you like you should be loved. He
told you how beautiful you are. When all I could do was be your friend, too
scared to tell you how I felt. I
watched you change from an insecure little girl who relied on me into a
beautiful woman who is too special for me.
I want to thank
you Willow. Thank you for loving me
and helping me to grow in to the man I am today.
You were the only one who ever believed in me. Your faith helped me to grow up, to take responsibility for
myself. Because of you I’ve made
my own way in the world and for that I’m truly gratefull.
I came back to
find out whether you’re happy. When
I saw you this morning with Oz, smiling and laughing you answered my question.
Knowing that you’re happy - happy without me -finally allows me to move
on.
Be happy Willow.
When you see happiness embrace it and never let it go, because if you do
you will regret it.
I will always
cherish the time we spent together and you will always have a special place in
my heart.
Goodbye Willow. I
should have said it a long time ago, and for that I am truly sorry.
All my love,
Xander
As I folded the letter in half, I noticed a photograph in
the envelope. I pulled it out
gently. It was the picture we had taken the summer Buffy was with her father in
L.A. The summer before Oz and
Cordelia.
In the photograph, Xander had
his arms around my waist and his was head resting on my shoulder.
Our eyes shining with happiness. I
turned the photograph over reading what Xander had written on the back.
I should have told you, Willow, but I
want you to know you will always have the key to my heart.
Xander
I finally looked up at Oz. “I need to find him,” I
stated simply.
“I know,” he replied.
“Where do I start looking?”
“L.A.” Buffy replied from the staircase.
“L.A?” I asked,
puzzled as to how Buffy would know.
“He told me he lives in L.A. That’s where you need to
start looking. And I know someone who will help.”
“Angel?”
Buffy nodded “Yes, Angel.” She smiled reassuringly at
her husband, the feelings she once had for Angel were now a distant memory.
“Well then. I
guess I’m going to L.A.” I sounded confident, but inside I was still
shaking. Was I about to make the
biggest mistake of my life?
The story continues in The right time for friendship.
