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Hilary
MAGIC SHOP
Buffy and Spike are stand in front of Giles. They are in
mid-conversation. Giles eyes Spike, warily.
Giles: No, just a regular earthquake. Knocked a few things off the
shelves, but luckily Anya forced me to get insurance.
Buffy: So, no world endage is afoot? Seriously?
Giles: No, Buffy, it is actually the end of the world. I'm just having
you on a bit. Clever you.
Spike: (laughs) What's your problem?
Giles: My problem, Spike, is... Buffy, what is he doing here?
Buffy looks at Spike and sighs.
Buffy: (sarcastic) He's on a mission from God.
Spike: Oh, shut up. (to Giles) I'm here because--
Buffy: He claims he's here to help us with some big hoogedy boogedy
that's on it's way.
Spike: Can I speak for myself, please?
Giles: (to Spike) You've been privy to information? Stirrings in the
underworld?
Buffy: Allegedly.
Spike: Ooh, "allegedly." That's an awfully big word for such
a tiny
person.
Buffy: Hey. You're standing here because I'm allowing it to happen, so
I think you might want to back it off a little.
Spike: Or you'll stake me, right? That threat's got cobwebs, Slayer.
Buffy moves menacingly toward Spike.
Buffy: Yeah, well the best way to take care of cobwebs is to do little
dusting.
Spike laughs in her face.
Spike: Ooh, I see you've spiced up your material. It's real good. I'm
frightened for my life, yet intrigued by your wit.
That was a burn. Buffy whips out the pointy stick.
Buffy: You're gonna be intrigued by my stake in about three seconds.
There's a pause while Spike considers whether or not to keep pushing
Buffy's buttons. Then:
Spike: Thug.
Buffy pulls back on the stake and Spike defiantly puffs out his chest.
Giles rolls his eyes.
Giles: Fabulous. I've missed this.
Buffy turns to Giles, embarrassed. She lowers her weapon.
Buffy: Sorry.
Spike: You should be.
Buffy: (glaring) I was talking to Giles!
Spike: Look, can we get back to the point here?
Giles: Which is?
Spike: Which is I don't know what you've been reading in those old
books of yours, but something bad is definitely going down. (to Buffy)
And
I'm coming to the rescue whether YOU like it or not!
Giles: (removing his glasses) Yes, but why?
Spike is derailed.
Spike: Because... it might be the end of the world and... you know my
policy on that. I don't... want it to.
Giles searches Spike's face for a few moments, then turns to Buffy.
Giles: Buffy. Would you mind getting me the Book of Anoush from the
shelves at the top of the stairs?
Buffy: Anoush. Check.
Buffy's no fool. She knows Giles wants a word in private with Spike.
She eyes Spike sympathetically before walking away. As soon as she's
out of ear shot:
Giles: You're still in love with her.
Spike: (nervous) I... I didn't come back for--
Giles: Listen to me very carefully. I will look into this catastrophe
of yours. If I find nothing I want you gone, do you understand? A
decision was made, no matter how hard it was to come to. If you really
do
care about her, you'll put aside your feelings and do what is right for
both of you. And so help me, Spike, if this is some trick to make us
trust you again, Buffy won't have to worry about staking you, because
I'll do it myself.
Spike nods and says nothing, like a child in trouble with his father.
Buffy: This the one?
Buffy walks up hands Giles a book. Her eyes dart back and forth
between the two men. She's dying to know what was said.
Giles: Yes, thank you. I'll try and cross reference today's
astrological date with the Book of Prophets, see if there's more to this
earthquake than I had originally thought.
Buffy: If so, the apocalypses are running closer and closer together.
Pretty soon it's just gonna be one big old marathon of chaos.
STREET OUTSIDE MAGIC BOX
Xander: Chaos!
Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara are walking down the street on their way
into the shop. Xander is in the middle of a story that the others are
listening intently to.
Xander: I mean, the quake hits and suddenly it's every man for himself.
So much for all those safety videos they made us sit through. But,
anyway, the forklift had the guy pinned and I was the only one standing
there when it happened. So without even thinking I just went over and
dug my feet in and--
Anya: (excitedly) It lifted right up! Like it didn't weigh a thing!
Xander turns to Anya, and pouts.
Xander: Anya! My Story.
Anya: Sorry. It's just so exciting.
Xander: Well, yeah! I mean, it was like I had super-human strength or
something.
Tara: I've read about that happening. It's adrenaline.
Willow: Yeah. In crisis situations, humans can exhibit strength ten
times what they're normally capable of. You were probably running on
pure adrenaline.
Xander: Whatever - the point is, they think I'm a super-hero now. It's
awesome. I already have this mysterious alter ego that fights vampires
and demons at night. I am so totally Clark Kent.
The four friends ENTER THE MAGIC BOX.
Anya: You're not gonna start wearing those stupid glasses are you?
Xander is about to answer when he notices Spike standing in the middle
of the shop. Everyone stops.
Willow: (confused) Oh. Spike's here. Everything... okay?
Xander walks right up to Spike, cautious but angry.
Xander: Oh, man, you got a lotta nerve. What the hell do you think
you're doing here.
Spike: I couldn't stay away. I've missed you so much, Xander. Please
stop denying our love.
Xander looks ready to kill.
Buffy: (to Spike) Why do you always have to do that?
Anya: Yes, that's not even a funny joke. What are you doing here,
anyway? I thought you'd be long gone by now, celebrating your...
vampireness.
Giles: Spike seems to think this recent earthquake is a precursor to
some terrible event.
Willow: Something hellmouth-y?
Spike: Yeah. And your team needs another ringer, so here I am.
Xander: Oh, give me a break. Nice try, Evil Dead. Now, hit the road.
Tara: Well... wait. I mean... are we really in danger?
Willow: Yeah, Xander. Spike could be telling the truth. Buffy? What
do you think?
Buffy looks around nervously at all the expectant faces. She's not
sure what to say.
Anya: Well, I hope he's not. (to Spike) Because if you are telling
the truth, that's just pathetic. In all my years as a vengeance demon,
I've never seen someone so sick with love he'd deny his natural
tendencies and keep trying to help a bunch of people who don't even want
him
around.
Everyone but Xander winces at this very blunt comment. Spike is stung,
so he fights back.
Spike: (to Anya) I can't believe you of all people can act so bloody
superior. Do you really think these people would let you stick around
if
you ever got your mojo back?
Anya looks a little unsure. Some of the others look away
uncomfortably. Spike does have a point.
Spike: Maybe Xander would fight it at first... because, as the official
bouncer of the scooby gang, he gets to decide who stays and who goes,
right? And hey, with his track record, he might get off on making it
with a vengeance demon for a while...
Xander: Hey!
Spike: (continuing to Anya) But then again you probably wouldn't want
to stay. I remember all the whining you did about getting your powers
back. Everyone thinks I'm the turncoat, but I think it's you who'd be
the one to eviscerate the lot of them first chance you--
Xander: All right, that's enough!
Xander steps in front of Anya and pushes Spike away from her. To
everyone's surprise, Spike goes flying across the room. He hits a wall
and
then falls to the floor, coughing.
Everyone stands in stunned silence looking from Spike to Xander and
back again. Finally:
Xander: Whoa! Did you guys see that?
MOMENTS LATER
The Giles is pouring over his books. He looks up at Xander.
Giles: So, when you lifted the forklift, you say it was light as a
feather?
Xander: (smiling) Just like Spike.
Spike huffs walks away, holding his back and limping.
Tara: So maybe that adrenaline thing never wore off?
Giles: That doesn't seem likely. But there's got to be some
explanation for it. Did you exhibit any kind of super-human strength before
the
earthquake hit?
Xander: No. I mean, I don't know. I don't think I had it on patrol
last night. I did okay, but I certainly didn't feel super!
Buffy and Spike exchange a look.
Giles: (thinking) Come with me a minute.
Giles leads Xander into Buffy's training room. Everyone follows as
though they were invited. Giles leads Xander over to the cinderblock
positioned over two saw horses in the corner of the room. Xander realizes
what he's being asked to do.
Xander: Wait a minute... this is... I don't think so, Giles.
Buffy: Giles, he'll break his hand.
Giles: Well, then we'll have a little more insight into this matter
wont we!
Xander: Hey! You're talking about my hand here! My fragile, very
breakable hand. I need my hands.
Anya: He really does. Like... really.
Everyone tries to pretend that wasn't about sex.
Spike: You heard the poofter. He's too tender and fragile. Why don't
you start off with something easier for him to break. Like a biscuit.
That did it. Xander smashes his hand into the block, shattering it to
smithereens.
The gang is even more astonished than before. Giles looks a little
concerned. After a few moments, everyone starts talking at once,
excitement buzzing around Xander who is loving the attention.
Tara: Wow. That was amazing!
Willow: (to Xander) Your hand is okay? (then) It's not broken? Giles,
how did this happen?
Anya: I changed my mind. You can wear the stupid glasses as long as we
can get you one of those tight little suits. You know, for night time.
Buffy: I don't know what this is, but it's great. We can team up.
Major vamp dusting action!
Giles: Hang on, hang on, lets everybody just calm down a minute. We
don't have any idea what's causing this or how long it will last.
Xander, you don't know your own strength. Literally. You could wind up
hurting someone-- or yourself. I think it would be a good idea for you
to
lie low for a while until we can figure out what's happening to you.
Xander: No offense, Giles, but hell no. I've been the regular joe of
this group for too long. Now I have all this power and you want me to
lie down?
Giles: I said lie low, and I--
Xander: I'm ready to patrol! Let's slay some vamps! Maybe Anya's
right. I should get some kind of suit or something... like a disguise...
Anya: A tight disguise.
Xander: And maybe a sword.
Buffy: I want a sword!
Xander: No sword for you. You're a girl.
Buffy slaps Xander in the back of his head.
Buffy: OW!!
Everyone looks at her.
Buffy: What? His head is like a rock! I broke a nail. I never break
a nail.
Xander raises his fists in the air.
Xander: I HAVE THE POWER!
Anya: Okay, Xander, enough.
Xander immediately calms down.
Giles: Thank you, Anya. Now, like it or not, I'm going to have to look
into this. It seems too much of a coincidence that this happened to
you just after the earthquake hit, so I'm inclined to think the two are
connected.
Spike: Really? How interesting. Because that would mean that - say it
with me now - Spike was right.
Giles: Spike, if you're going to help, please do it quietly.
Giles throws him a book. Spike is barely able to hold on to it,
because it knocks him back three feet.
Spike: OW!! Bleeding Christ, what the hell is the matter with you
people?! You all have an extra bowl of Wheaties this morning or what?
Giles pales. Buffy looks at him with fear in her eyes.
Buffy: Giles, what's going on?
ONE HOUR LATER
Xander: So you're saying the Hellmouth has... an overbite?
Giles: Well, that's a good way of putting it. It's prophesied, here.
(gestures to an open book) I just didn't... well you'd have to be
looking for it to find it. It's terribly vague.
Willow: But who's affected?
Giles: Everyone.
Buffy: But what about me. If this thing gives super - strength to all
the regular humans, than what does it give me? Super-super strength?
Giles: I'm afraid not Buffy. I think the reason all of Spike's demon
friends were so afraid is that everyone or thing that had any kind of
power is now powerless. That includes you.
Buffy: Well, how can you tell?! I mean, give me a test like you gave
Xander. I'll smash whatever you want.
Giles: (gently) Buffy.
Their eyes meet. It's clear that Buffy is frightened.
Giles: You can feel it can't you?
Buffy looks down and nods.
Spike, who has been silent for quite a while, finally pipes up in a
high-pitched voice.
Spike: Well how to we fix it? You must no how to fix it, right? We
can't go around like this forever!
They look as Spike as though they'd forgotten he was there.
Xander: Ohhhh yeah. This is must be your worst nightmare huh?
Especially with just getting your bite back and everything. I mean...
even
Tara could kick your ass now.
Spike tries to ignore Xander.
Spike: Giles, can I talk to you for a minute please?
Giles seems irritated.
Giles: What is it?
Spike: No, I mean... alone. Please?
Giles sighs like a put upon man and moves away from the group. The
gang watches curiously. Looking skittish, Spike goes over to Giles and
whispers:
Spike: Giles, I have to go to the bathroom.
Giles recoils in disgust. A few others who heard the comment giggle to
themselves. Buffy stays curious.
Giles: And you're sharing this with me because--?
Spike: You don't understand. I haven't had to go to the bathroom for
over a hundred years.
There is a long pause while this sinks in and then:
Giles: Oh.