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Hilary
Author: Keren and Meredith
E-mail: avssp@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: B/S (just be patient)
Distribution: Sure, just let us know
Spoilers: Fifth episode in the series Strange Bedfellows: Being the Unlikely Adventures of a Vampire and a Slayer, an alternate Buffyverse which diverges after “Crush”. Events from the opening montage are taken from earlier stories: All of You, Once Upon A Time, Head to Head, and Across the Pond.
Disclaimer: These characters aren’t ours. We just like to play with them. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, WB, and any other copyright holders. WEIGHT WATCHERS is the registered trademark of Weight Watchers International Inc. X-Men, Magneto, and Professor X belong to Marvel Enterprises Inc. Arby’s is a registered trademark of Arby’s Inc. Scream 2 is by Dimension Films. The Girl Scouts name, mark, and all associated trademarks and logotypes are owned by GSUSA. Dudley Do-Right the cartoon is copyright by Jay Ward Productions and Filmtel International. The movie is by Universal Studios. “Truth, Justice, and the American Way” was, of course, Superman’s motto, who appeared in Action Comics and Superman Comics as well as films and other adaptations too numerous to name.
Feedback: Yes please
Walk A Mile
Previously, on Buffy the Vampire:
Buffy is in her room, reading a book on the bed. Dawn leans against the doorjamb.
Dawn: Spike says it doesn’t matter what you are to begin with, it’s what you are now that counts.
***
Buffy is in Spike’s crypt kneeling beside the bed where he is lying, unconscious.
Buffy (watching him sleep): I hate to say this – I miss the banter, the vamps these days are short on witty repartee. I miss the excitement – can’t say I was crazy about the constant death threats, but life was never dull when you were around. This isn’t right, this isn’t you. Not anymore. Soul or no soul, part of you has to know that. Come on Spike come back.
***
Buffy: We have a truce, an understanding...
Spike: A date.
Xander (getting up and throwing his hands in the air): Whoa! Can’t handle this!
Anya: I don’t think it’s a problem.
Giles: Buffy, do you think this is wise?
Buffy: Giles, can you come in here for a minute? (She pulls him into the danger room)
Spike: So, fellow scoobies, what evil we fighting today?
Everyone, with the exception of Anya looks horrified.
***
Spike: Look Slayer, just for a second when you land that certain punch or kick some vamp in his unmentionables, you get it. You let it in.
Buffy: Let what in?
Spike: The other side of your ruddy coin! Yes, it’s your destiny; yes it’s your bleedin’ job, but whatever happened to job satisfaction? You’re the best, Slayer, and just for that one-second you seem to embrace that -- and then you bottle it all back up inside that pretty little head of yours.
***
Dawn: What’s the problem? He’s got a soul now, and a chip, and he’s HOT – hello?
Buffy: It’s not that simple.
Dawn: Seems simple enough to me. Vampire meets Slayer. Vampire tries to kill Slayer. Vampire falls in love with Slayer. They live happily ever after. The end.
Buffy: And what part of that makes sense?
***
Buffy: Why didn’t you just kill her?
Spike (defensively): Because she was a bloody good mum that’s why. She took me to the seaside, and told me silly stories when I had the mumps. And sent me off to school even though she must have been lonely with Da gone. And she never laughed at my poems. I didn’t see why she should have to die just ’cause Angel hated his parents.
Buffy (softly): And you loved her.
***
Giles: You’re hardly the best. You’re not even marginally adequate. You’re a vampire for god’s sake!
Spike: Why do you people keep pointing that out? It’s not as if I don’t know.
Giles: Perhaps if we reiterate it often enough, you’ll bear it in mind.
Spike: How could I forget? And why would I want to?
***
Dawn (tries to peer at what Buffy’s looking at): What’s that?
Buffy: Nothing. (She closes the magazine carefully on the picture of a young William in a sailor suit.)
*************************************************************
Willow and Tara’s dorm room, mid-afternoon: Buffy and Willow are sprawled on the bed amongst a pile of schoolbooks and notes. Tara is at the desk typing a paper on the laptop.
Willow: So Buffy, whatever happened with Spike? The last I heard was “well,
um, I don’t know...well, um, uh...”
Tara looks up, interested.
Buffy (smiles): I’m pretty sure there was an “I mean...I’m not sure...um” in there.
Willow: So...
Buffy: Still very much in the weird dimension. Weird in unparalleled dimensions.
Willow: Weird how?
Buffy: Before, I didn’t get him and I didn’t care. Now, I still don’t get him but...
Willow: What’s to get? Spike’s a pretty straightforward kinda guy. Want blood, want hit things, want Buffy.
Buffy: I’d gotten that far! (She makes a pouty face) But what Buffy want? Buffy don’t know.
Willow: So what you’re saying is you get Spike, you don’t get you.
Buffy (exasperated sigh): What I’m saying is I don’t know what I’m saying. I see that he’s trying, and I’ll admit – don’t you dare tell anybody – that he’s starting to grow on me. Like mold.
Willow: Charming.
Buffy: But one minute he’s being sweet and sensitive new age vamp and the next he’s all Anya-esque.
Willow: He starts talking about Xander?
Buffy: No! Well, sometimes, but not like that. You know, first its fanging out because I have a paper cut, and then its attempts at romantic smooching by moonlight.
Willow: You kissed him?!?
Buffy: Strike that, reverse it. HE kissed me.
Willow: What did you do?
Buffy: Well, luckily I was saved by the entrance of Mrs. the Bloody.
Willow: He’s married?!
Buffy: No! His mom!
Willow: Spike has a mom? Still? Oh. Oh! He didn’t!
Buffy: Yup. He did.
Willow: Why?
Buffy: Long story short – Spike becomes a vampire, Angel and Darla give him an entrance exam, Spike cheats and makes his mom one of the undead. She makes good scones though.
Willow: You didn’t kill her?
Buffy: How could I? He never tried to kill my mom, even after hours of gallery stories. It only seemed fair.
Willow: I guess...
Buffy: I mean, I think we’re friends now -- ish -- sort of -- in a manner of speaking. But most of my friends don’t go around wanting to suck each other’s blood. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me.
Willow: No secrets here. (Pauses) You guys look like you’re getting along. And I quote: “Spike, have you seen my other shoe?”
Buffy: We are, but it’s like we don’t even speak the same language, apart from fighting. I mean, he knows I’m the Slayer, but he doesn’t understand why I do what I do or why I care. And I don’t understand how he can be all human with me and not give a second thought to anyone else.
Willow: Well, he is a vampire.
Buffy: That’s the problem.
*************************************************************
A couple of hours later, Buffy and Willow have gone out to get some coffee, and Tara is left alone in the room. After making sure that they have left, she starts rummaging through her trunk, finally pulling out an old and worn composition notebook. She flips through it, finally settling on a page. Tears well up in her eyes as she reads.
Tara (voice over): I wish mom and dad would stop fighting. Why can’t he understand? If only there was something I could do.
She closes the book, and stares into space, thinking for a few minutes. Eventually, coming to a decision, she begins pulling out packets of herbs and other magical components and putting them into her backpack.
*************************************************************
Later that night in the Sunnydale Graveyard, Buffy and Spike are dispatching their nightly vampire quota.
Buffy (as a vampire rakes her arm with sharp nails): Oh! A flesh wound! You’re not gonna freak out again are you?
Spike (Staking the vamp that has just attacked her): Not if you don’t stick it under my nose. Do you get your jollies waving cheesecake at Weight Watchers? (He is tackled by another vamp)
Buffy (Throwing a vamp into the one who has just stood up after tackling Spike): Not recently. But I think they’d refrain from getting all bumpy if I did.
Neither notices Tara peeking out from behind a tree, watching them.
Buffy (blocking a series of blows): So, heard from mom lately?
Spike: As a matter of fact, yes. (Twists a vamp’s neck, and then stakes him for good measure) Got a care package from her.
Buffy: I don’t want to know. (Kicks vamp in the stomach, and he goes skidding across the ground on his stomach.)
Spike (not listening to her, as he is in a headlock): Yeah, mom’s great. Sent me packets of fresh Oxford student blood. Mum always likes term time, the sleep deprivation adds a little extra kick. (Throws vamp over his shoulder) She’s been known to bag entire debate teams in one night. (Stakes the prone vamp) They don’t call her the Dark Menace of Oxfordshire for nothing. (He looks very fond)
Buffy: I didn’t (punch) want to know.
Spike (Lights a cigarette as he watches her fight off the last vamp): Then why did you ask? Did you really think I was going to say she’d knitted me a bloody sweater?
Buffy: Just trying to make conversation here. (She stakes the final vamp.) We’re not exactly overwhelmed with topics in common.
Spike: Here, let me try. So Slayer, what good deeds have you done today? Is Xander well, because I’m really interested...
Buffy: Stop that.
Spike: What? It’s okay for you to stomp all over my bleedin’ interests!
Buffy: When your interests are evil, yes.
Spike: Evil this, evil that, that’s all you people bloody talk about.
Buffy: Yeah well, those are my interests.
Spike: I’m tired of this broken record. I’m off.
As they stomp away from each other, Tara emerges from her hiding place, and chants a few lines in an archaic language. She blows a pile of green shiny powder from her hand, and tendrils of mist spread towards Buffy and Spike’s departing backs.
*************************************************************
The next morning in the magic shop, all the scoobies are sitting around the table, and Giles is standing with a big book in hand.
Willow: Are you sure?
Giles: Yes. I have word from the Watchers that the Cult of the Eclipse is coming here.
Xander: Who?
Giles: I’ll explain it as soon as he arrives. I don’t want to repeat myself needlessly.
Xander: Right, ’cause you hate to hear yourself talk.
Giles is about to answer when Spike walks in the door, sun shining behind him. He is dressed in blue jeans, converse sneakers and a white T-shirt.
Spike: So fellow scoobies, what evil we fighting today?
Xander: Hey Spike!
Spike: Hey Xand! We still on for later?
Xander: Yup!
Anya (pouting): What are you doing later? And why wasn’t I invited?
Xander: Guy stuff.
Willow (rolling eyes): Oh great, beer and football.
Giles (looking tired of the usual bantering): I think we should get back to the matter at hand. Spike, the Watchers have notified me of something distressing. The Cult of the Eclipse, (Spike looks blank) a vampire cult from Romania, are on their way here. They are attempting a spell that will plunge the world into eternal darkness.
Spike: And they’re leaving their comfy coffins in the Transylvanian homeland to come to sunny California?
Giles: They attempted the same spell last year in Romania, but thankfully, it didn’t work. We believe they’re trying to harness the power of the Hellmouth to aid them in their endeavors.
Spike: Brilliant. Never a dull moment for the Slayer. How are they goin’ about this, then?
Anya: The usual. Sacrifice half a dozen humans to some god or another.
Spike: So let me get this clear. I have to stop a bunch of imported vampires from performing a ritual, while keeping the domestic variety at bay, not to mention protecting the entire bloody population of Sunnydale, which has all the survival instincts of a blond bird in a horror film. Smashing.
Willow: No offense Spike, but I sure am glad I’m not the chosen one.
Spike: Safe on all counts there, Red, you’ve got the wrong equipment.
Xander (shaking his head in mock sympathy): Yet another blow against women’s lib.
Willow: I guess that’s a cross I’ll have to bear.
That evening, Buffy is asleep in her crypt, though it hardly bears a resemblance to a crypt anymore. In the corner is a matching love seat and armchair facing a TV. There are multiple end tables spread about with lamps, vases of flowers and ashtrays on them. Buffy herself is sleeping in a four-poster bed, draped with sheer white curtains. She is curled up under the down comforter, arms wrapped around a stuffed pig that has white paper fangs glued under his snout. Suddenly, the door is slammed open, and Spike stalks in. Buffy sits up in bed.
Buffy: Knock much?
Spike: Don’t need to – you’re always bloody here. And it’s not like you’ve got any friends to invite over.
Buffy: Can’t I even get a minute’s peace in my own home, Dudley-Do-Right? (She takes a cigarette from the bedside table and lights up.)
Spike: Not bloody likely. It is my town.
Buffy: Then why are you always running to me for help? What, Mr. Big Brawny and Bleached can’t take care of vampires by himself? (She gets out of bed, wearing only a silk nightshirt.) Face it, you need me.
Spike picks her up by the arms and slams her against the wall. They stand there face to face for a minute, seething, and then she kisses him. He kisses her back, and wraps his arms around her, as her legs wrap around his middle. They kiss passionately for a few minutes.
Spike (pulling away and looking into her eyes): I guess I do. (Kisses her again)
Buffy (pulls away): I love you Spike.
She wakes bolt upright in bed.
Buffy: Nooooo!!!
Spike (having just slammed open the door of her crypt): But you haven’t even heard the question yet.
Buffy (very embarrassed and trying to cover for it): Spike. Hi. (Puts on mean face) What are you doing here? Get out.
Spike: I need a bit of information pet.
Buffy (lighting up cigarette, and getting out of bed): And even if I did know what you were talking about, I would help you why?
Spike: Because I’ll let you live a little longer.
Buffy: If you were gonna stake me, you would’ve done it already.
Spike (picks her up by the arms, just as he had in her dream): Don’t tempt me luv.
Buffy (turns her face away from him): Fine, fine. What is it this time?
Spike (drops her): What do you know about the Cult of the Eclipse?
Buffy: Huh?
Spike: Vampire cult from Romania.
Buffy: Oh! You mean the Goth guys in all black with the “I vant to suck your blood” accents?
Spike: I suppose.
Buffy: Saw a couple of ’em at Willy’s last night. Not big with the small talk. That’s all I know. Now, can you get back to your stupid Scooby friends and leave me alone?
Spike: My pleasure.
He walks out and Buffy stares at his retreating back for a moment, before starting to pull on some clothing.
*************************************************************
After leaving Buffy’s crypt, Spike is surprised by a couple of vampires. He catches the first as it is diving out of the trees, and uses its momentum to send it flying across the graveyard. The other rushes him. Spike whips out a punch at the vamp’s face, but his fist is caught an inch in front of the vampire’s snarling visage. The vamp smiles, thinking he has the upper hand, but Spike surprises him by flicking his fingers out in a painful hit under the nose. The vamp drops his arm, and is dealt a blow in the stomach by Spike’s other fist, followed by a sweeping kick that takes him to the ground. He rolls over, about to push himself up, when Spike digs a stake through his back, piercing the heart from the opposite side. Spike turns, stake at the ready, and the other vamp does a whirling kick that sends the stake flying through the air. He then picks up Spike and throws him into a tombstone, bashing his head against the sharp corner. The vamp moves in for the finish, but explodes in a shower of dust, revealing Buffy standing behind him, stake raised. She is now clad in a red tank top, black jeans, high heeled black boots and a long, black leather duster.
Spike (putting his hand to his bleeding temple and getting up slowly): What’d you go and do that for?
Buffy (glances at the blood, licks her lips and then averts her eyes): Can’t have some red shirt vampire taking all my fun away. I’m saving you for a special occasion.
Spike: What, the day you get that sodding piece of metal out of your head?
Buffy: Yup! Markin’ the days off on my calendar as we speak.
Spike: Don’t hold your breath, luv. Oh wait, I guess you could, but it’s not gonna do any good. (He starts to walk away, hand to his head)
Buffy (following): Where ya goin’? What ya doin’?
Spike (turns and looks at her, confused): Why are you following me?
Buffy: Um...just making sure you’re not stopping any of my evil friends from doing evil?
Spike: You don’t have any friends. Don’t you have any vampire activities planned for this evening?
Buffy (angry): Well, it’s not like I can go out and grab a couple of human snack packs like I used to! I mean, (points to Spike’s head) that’s the first fresh blood I’ve seen since chunky heels went out of style.
Spike (disgusted): Keep your eyes off my bloody...blood.
Buffy: Real articulate.
Spike: Go home Buffy.
Buffy: Fine, I didn’t want to talk to you anyway. (She makes no attempt to move.)
Spike: So why are you still here? Go-home. (He walks off)
*************************************************************
Later that evening, after Spike has cleaned up, he goes to Xander’s apartment. The two of them are sitting on the floor, surrounded by comic books.
Spike: You know, once you get past all the overdrawn muscles and tits, these X-Men comics aren’t half-bad.
Xander: Why would you wanna get past the tits?
Spike: Good question mate. I take that back.
Xander: So, how was the slayage tonight?
Spike: Oh, the usual. No sign of the Euro-trash nasties...did see Buffy though.
Xander: Stake her?
Spike: Nah. You know I can’t now that she’s got that chip. It’d be like tying up a paraplegic.
Xander: That’s a vision.
Spike: Besides, sometimes she comes in handy.
Xander: For what, target practice?
Spike: Yeah, there’s that, and news from the underground, that sort of thing.
Xander: You do remember all those times she tried to kill you, right?
Spike: Haven’t forgotten. I just have more important things to worry about. Like Magneto here, he’s got Professor X all riled up again.
Xander: Too true my friend, too true.
*************************************************************
The next morning, Willow and Tara are walking to class.
Willow: Spike called while you were in the shower. He wants to know if we wanna go to the Bronze during Slayer recess tonight.
Tara (looking uncomfortable): Yeah, sure.
Willow: He really needs the night out, he’s had so much to deal with lately.
Tara (looking non-committal): Mm hmm
Willow: It’s nice of him to think of us when he’s so busy fighting for truth, justice and the American way. British way. Whatever.
Tara (gives nervous laugh, and plasters a smile on her face): Yup, that Spike, always lookin’ out for us.
*************************************************************
Evening at Giles and Spike’s condo. Spike is in the kitchen making tea; Giles is on the couch reading.
Giles: Have you spoken with Matilda lately?
Spike: Yeah, Mum’s all right. She just sent me a care package. She knows how rough it is, living in a country with no proper tea.
Giles: How right she is. Send her my regards, would you?
Spike: Already have. She might be payin’ us a visit this summer.
Giles: I look forward to it.
Spike (bringing in the tea): Anymore word from the Council of Wankers?
Giles: Sadly, yes. They called to check up on our progress today.
Spike: You’d think they’d have something better to do than sit about all day thinking up ways to annoy us.
Giles: One would think. But then, they’ve got an entire council to watch one Slayer who’s on a completely different continent. Efficiency has never been their byword.
Spike: Don’t I know it! (Looks at his watch) Patrol time, goin’ to fetch my stakes and then I’m off. (He disappears into a back room, emerging a minute later, slaying gear in hand).
*************************************************************
Meanwhile, Buffy is outside Spike and Giles’ smoking and watching them through the window. As Spike opens the door, and turns to say something to Giles, she jumps behind a tree. Spike steps out, stops, sniffs the air, and pulls her out of her hiding place.
Spike: What are you doin’ here?
Buffy (flustered): Um...practicing my predatorial skills?
Spike stares at her and doesn’t respond.
Buffy: Apartment hunting?
He still says nothing.
Buffy: Oh, I get it! Slayer Spike gets to go wherever he wants, but bad Buffy has to sit in her crypt and stare at the wall. Fine, I’ll just take my marbles and go home. (She flounces off)
Spike looks at her retreating back with a very confused look on his face. Finally he shrugs and starts to walk away, only to be confronted with a large pile of cigarette butts on the ground. He stops and looks in the direction Buffy went, even more confused, before going off on patrol.
*************************************************************
Much later, the scoobies and Spike are taking a much-needed night off at the Bronze.
Spike: Alright, who’s up for a bit of wackiness?
Willow (raises hand): Ooh! Me! Me!
Xander: Anytime, anyplace.
Spike: Buffy’s been hangin’ round outside Giles’ and my flat.
Xander: Huh?
Spike: Yeah caught her peepin’ tonight.
Willow: Do you think she’s planning something bad?
As they are discussing this, Tara is making herself as unobtrusive as possible, and is torn between concern and outright laughter.
Spike: If she’s planning something, it’ll definitely be bad. I don’t know though, she’s been actin’ all barmy lately.
Xander: Maybe the chip’s finally fried her brain?
Spike: Maybe. (He stands up) C’mon Red, Tara, (holds out his hands) let’s dance.
*************************************************************
Meanwhile, Buffy is outside her crypt fighting a vampire that is dressed in classic “Goth” wear.
Buffy: It’s not fair! (Takes on a mocking tone) Buffy, we need your help (punch). Buffy, you have to do this (punch). Buffy, you have to do that (punch). AAARGGHH! (She directs a roundhouse kick toward the vamp’s chest, sending him flying yards away.) Storming into my home (she advances) knocking over my nice new end tables, which he didn’t even notice! (Kicks the vamp in the side) And it’s not bad enough that he invades my house every night with his tight T-shirts and high cheekbones (She places a heeled boot on the vampire’s neck, pinning his struggling form to the ground) now I can’t even sleep without him barging in! I’m tired of being dragged along in the mystery machine, forced to fight for the good guys. I hate good! I’m no good at good! (She looks down at the vamp, and says conversationally) I like the fighting part. You probably guessed that, huh?. But I don’t want to foil anyone’s sinister schemes. I like sinister schemes. (The vampire continues to struggle to no avail) I’m as scheme-y as they come. (She crushes the vampire’s neck under her boot, cocks her head, and looks at the ex-vampire) Oh, was I supposed to question you about permanent sunset? Oops. (She shrugs and walks away)
*************************************************************
The next evening at the magic shop, Spike walks in to find the scoobies in their usual spots.
Giles (coming from behind the counter): Spike, I’m glad you’re here. I’m afraid there has been a disquieting development. A mother and daughter were kidnapped from their car last night. I believe it was our Romanian friends.
Spike: Bloody hell, I thought I had some time! All right, any idea where they’ve gone?
Giles: N-not as such, no. But they were attacked in the parking lot of the strip mall.
Spike: I guess that’s better than nothing – I’ll start there.
Xander: Want some back up?
Spike: No, you stay here, I’m going to force the princess of pain to help me out with this one.
Xander: You’re taking Buffy with you?
Spike: Her, I can risk. You stay here, keep with the books, I’ll be back as soon as I can. (He walks out into the night)
*************************************************************
Spike drives over to Buffy’s crypt, and slams the door open to find no Buffy.
Spike: Hmm. Guess the bint finally found something to occupy her time.
He goes back to his car and gets in. He is about to turn on the ignition when he notices Buffy sitting quietly in the passenger seat.
Spike (startled): What are you doin’ in here?
Buffy: What were you doing in my house?
Spike: Lookin’ for you.
Buffy: Lucky I’m here then, isn’t it?
Spike: In your twisted mind, I suppose.
Buffy: So where are we goin’?
Spike: You’re awfully eager tonight. I usually have to toss you into the furniture a bit first.
Buffy: I’m turning over a new leaf?
Spike (sighing): Fine then. Goin’ to check out a possible lead. Our Romanian mates snatched a mum and her kid over by the Arby’s.
Buffy: That’s good eatin’.
Spike (glowering): Yeah well, I need to check it out, and sad as this may seem, I need you to hang about in case a whole clan of vamps show up. Bit of a distraction, like.
Buffy: Your confidence astounds me.
Spike ignores her, turns on the car, and drives to the strip mall, parking amidst a few scattered cars in front of Arby’s. They get out, and he begins looking around, while Buffy stands off to the side, bored. There is no apparent evidence of vampire activity.
Buffy: Would you like me to distract the trees? Or wait, ooh– this lamppost looks real menacing. (Starts jumping up and down waving her arms) Nothing to see here you evil lamp!
Spike: Shut it, you. If you can’t be useful, you can bloody well be quiet.
Buffy (walking up behind him, as he is kneeling on the ground): Find anything yet?
Spike: Tire tracks.
Buffy: Oh great, they left a parking lot in a car. That narrows it down.
Spike looks up at her, seething with anger.
Buffy (softer): Look, I don’t smell any blood. At least you know they were alive when they were taken.
Spike: Bloody hell, I’m goin’ home!
Buffy (grabs his arm as he starts to walk away): You’ll find them Spike, you always do.
Spike (Not noticing the sincerity in her tone): When did you become my bleedin’ cheering section? (He gets into his car, and Buffy puts her hand on the passenger side door) Where do you think you’re goin’?
Buffy: How am I supposed to get home from here?
Spike: Not my problem. (He shuts his door and drives away.)
Buffy stares after him with a very hurt look on her face, which quickly dissolves into anger. She kicks in the window of an adjacent car and stalks off into the night.
*************************************************************
At Xander’s apartment the next morning, Xander, Anya and Spike are having brunch together.
Xander: Sorry about the no-go on the clue front there Spike.
Spike: It’s to be expected. Why should anything go my bloody way?
Xander: What’s plan B?
Spike: Plan A was to dazzle them with my fighting prowess. Plan B was to throw Buffy at ‘em and nip out with the hostages while they were occupied. We’re on plan C now mate.
Xander: So what’s plan C then?
Spike: You’ll be the first to know, but it may include throwing Buffy at them anyway, just on general principles.
Xander: What did our fluffy little vampire friend do now?
Spike: Showed up in my car lookin’ for a free ride, and then spent half the night chattin’ up a lamppost.
Xander: And you continually ask her help why...?
Spike: I don’t ask.
Xander: You know what I mean.
Spike: Yeah well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Anya: She’s not so bad.
Xander: If you define bad as...good!
Anya: I think she’s funny.
Both Spike and Xander stare at her uncomprehendingly.
Anya: it’s nice to have someone to talk to that actually listens to my stories.
Xander: I listen.
Anya: Not those stories.
Spike: Too much information, pet.
*************************************************************
That evening, Spike arrives home to find Buffy sitting on his doorstep.
Spike: What are you doing here?
Buffy: Looking for you.
Spike: What now?
Buffy: Well, if you’re gonna be like that! (She turns to go)
Spike (sighing in resignation): What is it?
Buffy: Dirt, gossip, dish. (She waits eagerly for a reaction, and getting none, continues) Yes thank you detective Buffy, I would like to know where the Goth guys are gonna be next.
Spike (grabbing her by the throat): What do you know?
Buffy: Hello? In the middle of a speech here! Now I’ve lost my train of thought.
Spike (tightening his grip): Buffy...
Buffy: Oh! I’ve latched on to it again! They’re gonna be at the star-watchy place tomorrow night.
Spike: Star-watchy... (He shuts his eyes) Do you mean observatory?
Buffy: Yeah that’s it!
Spike lets go of her neck.
Buffy: So, you just go grab your stakes and we’ll check it out.
Spike: Why are you bein’ so bloody helpful all of a sudden? Is this a trap? (He looms menacingly over her)
Buffy: No-no! Scouts honor!
Spike: Don’t tell me you were a Girl Scout.
Buffy: Oh yeah. I love the Brownies!
Spike: Don’t dig yourself any deeper.
Buffy: So, are we going?
Spike (cocks his head and takes a good look at her): What’s in it for you then?
Buffy (looking down, embarrassed): Well, you know, um...why not?
Spike: What are you playin’ at? You’ve been actin’ weird all week!
Buffy: Nothing.
Spike (punches her in the face): I don’t believe you.
Buffy: Fine, don’t!
Spike (picks her up by the arms and shoves her against the wall, his face inches from hers): Tell me what’s going on!
Buffy looks into his eyes and leans in to kiss him.
Spike (throws her to the ground and jumps back disgusted): What the hell?
Buffy (kneeling on the ground): C’mon Spike, don’t tell me you don’t feel it.
Spike: What the bloody hell are you on about woman?
Buffy (getting up and starting to walk towards him): There’s something between us Spike. I don’t know what it is, but maybe you can explain it. You’re the one who can’t seem to keep his hands off of me.
Spike (getting more repulsed by the minute): No. God no! Xander was right, the chip really has fried your brain!
Buffy: It’s not the chip. I...I love you Spike.
Spike (horrified): No, you don’t.
Buffy: Yes I do.
Spike: No—you don’t.
Buffy: Yes—I do.
Spike: Then stop!
Buffy: You think I haven’t tried? It’s not like this is giving me a big happy or anything! I mean, get real, Slayer, enemy of all my kind – not to mention the lack of fashion sense...
Spike: There’s nothing wrong with my ruddy fashion sense!
Buffy: Oh yeah, you just keep telling yourself that. Come on Spike (she moves closer to him).
Spike: You disgust me.
Buffy: You just keep telling yourself that too. (She goes to kiss him again)
Spike (shoving her to the ground): Don’t come near me or my friends ever again! (He goes inside and slams the door).
Buffy is left on the ground unsuccessfully trying to hold back tears.
*************************************************************
An hour later, Buffy has departed, and the scoobies have gathered at Giles’ and Spike’s.
Giles: She said what?
Spike: Please don’t make me repeat it.
Giles: I’m sorry, I’m just so taken aback.
Xander (chuckling uncontrollably): Priceless! (Snort) Absolutely priceless! (Giggle)
Spike: It’s not funny!
Xander: Oh yes it is! (Guffaw)
Spike (gives Xander a withering look): Thanks for the support there, mate.
Willow: Well, maybe she was pulling your leg. You know ha-ha vampire humor. Right honey? (Looks at Tara for confirmation)
Tara (in a hugely unenthusiastic tone): Uh huh.
Giles: So what are you going to do now?
Spike: Ignore it and hope it goes away. I have too much to worry about without all this nonsense.
Xander: Decisive strategy my friend.
Willow: D’you think she’s trying to catch you off guard? Last we heard, she did wanna have you for a midnight snack.
Spike: I don’t know what her game is, but if she’s trying to drive me crazy, she’s doin’ a bloody good job. I told her to go away, let’s hope she listens for once.
Anya: But I thought you needed to throw her at things?
Spike: I don’t need her to do my job.
*************************************************************
The next night at the observatory, the Cult of the Eclipse has begun their ritual. Sounds of Spike fighting various minions outside carries in over the chanting. Buffy is hidden behind some boxes watching the scene. There are six humans tied in the center of the floor, ringed by an equal number of vampires. One of them holds up a crescent shaped knife, and Spike bursts in just in time to see the knife driven into the chest of one of the tied up men. He stops his rush for a moment, a look of pure horror and regret on his face. This quickly changes to a look of determination; he yells, leaps in and begins to dance.
He quickly dusts one of them, having the element of surprise on his side, but his luck doesn’t hold, as the rest get their bearings almost immediately. One vamp holds his arms behind his back, as another rushes in for the attack. Spike kicks up, hitting the incoming vampire in the face, and sending her careening into the giant telescope. His momentum takes him over the vampire holding his arms, and Spike flips behind him, dealing him a stunning blow to the kidneys. The vamp spins, only to impale itself on the stake Spike has just extracted from his clothing. Before he can even rejoice in this, two other vamps grab his arms. He begins to struggle against their rock hard grip. Meanwhile, Buffy has been watching the scene trying to decide whether to watch Spike be killed or jump in and help. She finally and reluctantly comes to a decision, and jumps into the fray, sending a flying kick at one of Spike’s captors. Spike takes the advantage of the distraction by flinging the other vampire into a computer console, into the wall and back again. He then stakes the very dazed vamp. Buffy is equally as occupied with her prey, who launches a flurry of blows at her, which she barely blocks. He then picks her up and flings her into Spike, both of them toppling to the ground. Buffy is the first to recover, and she picks up the stake Spike has just dropped, and flings it into the vamp’s heart, reducing him to a pile of dust. She is then tackled by one of the two remaining vamps. Spike, having regained his footing, sweeps the legs out from under the vampire advancing on him, and drives his sneakered foot into its chest. Having lost his stake, he grabs a ruler from the desk next to him, slams it against the desk, jaggedly breaks the tip off and drives it into the vamp’s heart. He turns around and notices Buffy under a vamp. He sighs, walks over and drives his ruler through its back. After the final vamp is dispatched, Spike goes over to free the rest of the prisoners, who run off, barely even stopping to thank him. Neither he nor Buffy notices Tara peeking through the open door.
Spike (to Buffy): Why are you here? I told you to stay away!
Buffy: Well, you wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t shown up!
Spike: Bloody wonderful! My own personal vampire bodyguard!
Buffy: Fine then, just ignore me. (She walks over to the dead man on the floor, and her face changes to vampire visage)
Spike: What do you think you’re doin’?
Buffy: Getting back a little of the blood I lost saving your butt! (She bends down to drink and Spike leans towards her, attempting to grab her arm and stop her.)
Tara walks in, sequesters herself behind the door and begins to chant. A ripple passes through the room. Spike breathes out and doesn’t breathe in again as Buffy begins to breathe, and her features revert back to normal. Buffy looks down in horror at the dead body at her feet, and then looks at Spike with his hand still on her shoulder. She gets up quickly and runs out blindly, not noticing Tara as she passes. Spike turns to follow her, with an equally horrified look on his face, but is stopped as he sees Tara coming out from behind the door.
Spike (menacingly): What did you do Blondie?
Tara: What you wanted.
Spike: That was no bloody love spell!
Tara: Ok, what you needed then.
Spike: What?
Tara: For her to understand you, for you to understand her.
Spike: And you thought this would be the best way to go about it? I was human. I was the Slayer. I was friends with Xander for fuck’s sake! (Tara laughs, and Spike continues worriedly) Please tell me he’s not gonna remember that!
Tara: He won’t. Nobody will but you and her. And me of course.
Spike: Why?
Tara: It was the first spell I wrote myself. I was sixteen. My mom and dad well, you saw. I thought if I could make him see where she was coming from... but I wasn’t strong enough then. I started to practice every day, levitating pencils...you know, kid’s stuff, but before I could get there my mom died.
Spike (bitterly): Remind me to do you a favor sometime.
Tara: You already did. (She walks to the door and turns) Now we’re even. (She leaves Spike staring after her.)
*************************************************************
Two nights later, Spike is in his crypt, sitting in his old armchair, when there is a knock at the door.
Spike: Come in Red.
Buffy (walking in): It’s me.
Spike: Oh.
Buffy sits down on the couch, and there are a few minutes of unbroken awkward silence as they debate what to say to each other.
Buffy: What happened? I keep meaning to ask Giles to do the research number but well, that would involve telling him what happened.
Spike: Don’t bother luv, I already know.
Buffy: You did this?
Spike: Not bloody likely, do I look like I want your job?
Buffy: Who then?
Spike: Willow’s witchy playmate.
Buffy: Tara did this? Why? Is this another spell gone wrong?
Spike: Nope. It’s turn and turn about.
Buffy: I’ll kill her...I can’t kill her, Willow wouldn’t like that. Willow! Willow will kill her!
Spike: Hold on there tiger. No one’s killing anyone. She was trying to help. I can’t believe I just said that.
Buffy: And she thought this would help me how?
Spike: Not you pet, me.
Buffy: Ok, Buffy totally confused now. Spike explain?
Spike: She was payin’ me back for that time I punched her in the face.
Buffy: So this was revenge?
Spike: No. A favor.
Buffy: Why on earth would she consider this a favor?
Spike: So you would know where I’m comin’ from. And vice-versa, I guess.
Buffy: Oh.
They break off into another long awkward silence.
Buffy: You know, in retrospect, it was weird seeing you in the white hat.
Spike: Same for you in black.
Buffy: Really. I would’ve thought that would be right up your alley. You know, wouldn’t evil Buffy be your dream girl? You could feast on the corpses together.
Spike: No! Well, I’m not sayin’ it wouldn’t be convenient, but that’s not you. Besides, wouldn’t you just delight in Spike the ponce, champion of the underdog?
Buffy: Yes and no. Thinking about it makes my head hurt.
Spike: Mine too. I can still remember what it felt like seeing that knife slip between that bloke’s ribs and bein’ completely unable to stop it. It’s like yelling “don’t go upstairs” during Scream 2 or something. I can almost still feel it, but now I can’t imagine why I’d care.
Buffy: Ditto for me, but on the more fangy side. I watched him die, and all I could think about was the blood leaking out of his chest. (She shudders)
Spike: Finally get it then do you? Maybe now you’ll stop making snide comments about those of us who aren’t getting our recommended daily allowance of iron.
Buffy: Get, yes. Like, no.
Spike: It’s a start.
Buffy: I suppose I could cut back on the bloodsucking ghoul talk if you give the (bad British accent) “why do you wanna save the bleedin’ scoobies” a rest.
Spike (smirking): Sounds a fair trade.
Buffy: and speaking of scoobies, I seem to remember a certain vampire, well Slayer at the time, saying, “Xander was right.”
Spike: I never did.
Buffy: You did too!
Spike: Did not.
Buffy: Did too! Right before...
Spike (cutting her off): Ok-ok! Just don’t tell anyone. I don’t fancy getting all palsy-walsy with him anytime soon.
Buffy: Won’t they remember this?
Spike: No. And we’re not going to tell them.
Buffy: But we have to! Not about Xander (after a look from Spike) but the rest of it. If Tara’s a loose cannon they should be warned.
Spike (sits down next to her and grabs her by the arms): No luv. Look, this is the first favor anyone’s ever done for me and I’m not about to blow the lid off it.
Buffy (very quietly): Second.
Spike (thinks for a minute, confused, and then a look of realization spreads across his face): Second then. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...
Buffy: I know. (Pauses, looks up at him) Spike...I just...I’m sorry.
Spike: For what?
Buffy: I didn’t realize how much you’ve been giving up for me.
Spike: It’s all right luv.
Buffy: No, it isn’t... I... (She gives him a hug)
Spike looks completely blown away, but comes to his senses quickly, and realizes he should take what he can get. He hugs her tighter to him.
*************************************************************
Later that night, Buffy has returned home after dispatching a couple of piddly vampires outside of Spike’s crypt. She’s washing her face in the bathroom when she notices a small bleeding cut on the back of her hand. She looks at it indecisively for a moment and then slowly takes a small lick of blood. She pauses, considering, and then makes a grossed-out face, and spits the blood into the sink.