Part One

Joyce took another sip of coffee and unfolded the paper. It used to be a pleasant morning ritual, coffee and paper - that is before she became aware of the truth about Sunnydale. Now everyday she held her breath as she scanned the headlines looking for bad news.

"Well, page one is normal." She commented outloud. A story about the groundbreaking for the new shopping mall; a local woman won a national sweepstakes; the city council approved the water treatment plant upgrade- nice, run of the mill, local news.

"Morning, Mom."

"Good morning, honey. You're up early for a Saturday."

Buffy pulled a gallon of juice out of the fridge. "Yeah, I'm going over to Willow's. She's going to help me study for the chemistry exam."

"That's good. Really, Buffy if you just would apply yourself to your schoolwork like you do to this Slaying business..."

"Yes! Yes! I know. I keep trying to stake the chem. book, but it won't go away." "Since you're not going to be serious about your academics, per usual... how did patrol go last night?" Joyce asked with not to happy of a look.

Buffy poured her juice and tossed her head with a bored expression. "Oh, so-so. Nailed one but his buddy got away. But something weird did happen. Every time I turned around this big stray cat was behind me, like it was after something. About a block from here it pounced into the bushes then went into a hiss fit and went blowing past me. At least this kitty-cat was completely alive, if it follows me home again can we keep it?"

"Not funny, Buffy. Not funny." Joyce closed the paper and frowned. "What was it after?"

"Oh, great..." Buffy thought while taking a sip of juice. Her Slayer sense had told her that whatever was hanging around in the bushes wasn't human, but her common sense was now screaming at her not to wind her mother up. "I don't know. Went back and looked but I didn't see anything."

"Could it have been a vampire following you home? Or a demon or something else?" Joyce's voice was beginning to get a squeak in it.

"Naaaa, whatever it was, it was a cat munchie. Or at least the cat thought so. Animals are too smart to go after nasty undead things."

Still frowning, Joyce got up and unplugged the coffee maker. Buffy's reassurance that there was nothing to it seemed plausible. But still it was one more thing to worry about and it gave her a small shiver. Buffy noticed the reaction and mentally cussed herself for even bringing it up. Time for a big change of subject.

"So Mom, what are you going to do today? Going to go to the Gallery?"

"Until twelve-thirty, one o'clock, then Brenda is coming in to take over. Today is the day that I, or should I say 'we' clean out the basement and garage." Joyce finished her coffee. "This should work out just right. When you're finished at Willow's I want you to come straight home and help me. We have three years of clutter to go through and Monday is unlimited trash pick-up day. So we have to get this done this weekend."

"What'ta happy day. Chemistry in the morning, forced labor in the afternoon....." Buffy muttered with a roll of the eyes. "When do I get the bamboo shoots under the fingernails ."

"Welcome to the real world." Joyce picked her purse up from the counter and gave Buffy a hug goodbye. "Be sure to lock up when you go, and I will see you in this afternoon."

******

"Pitch it, pitch it, keep it..."

Joyce tossed the broken radio and the stiff paintbrush into a trash bag. The lamp could be salvaged, just needed a new plug. She sat it back on the shelf and then chuckled as she realized the odds of it ever being fixed. The plug had been damaged during the move to Sunnydale and it had already sat in the basement for three years.

"Let's get real." And the lamp went into the bag.

"Ah hell, lady... that was a nice lamp."

That voice! She recognized that raspy, annoying, irritating, chafing voice coming from behind a stack of paint cans. Joyce backed over to the stairway and picked up the broom.

The goblin hopped up onto the top can and waved a finger at Joyce. "I don't think so." It cautioned as it changed into human form.

Joyce raised the broom into a batter's stance and came across the basement ready to swing. Kimmie circled around her and headed for the stairs. "Now put that fucking thing down. How about some breakfast? I think you owe me at least a piece of toast. You don't happen to have any hamsters do 'ya? I just love them with that orange marmalade shit."

SWISH!

The broom came toward the goblin's head. Kimmie held a hand up and stopped the blow as suddenly as if it had made contact with a brick wall. Then with one hand it twisted the broom from Joyce's grip. "Heh, heh, heh... How about some goblin basic 1.1?" It said with a smile as it broke the broom handle in two and then bundled and snapped the two pieces into four. "In my true form I can lift fifteen - twenty pounds. Now do the math, sister. Seven tall inches equals twenty pounds of force... Five foot, eleven and a half, equals - I can kick your ass."

Kimmie tossed the shattered broom handle onto the floor at Joyce's feet and headed up the stairs. "So what'ta got to eat?" It stopped and looked back at the stunned human. "Well come on lady, unless you want me to go poking around in your fridge all by myself." When Joyce did not move the goblin shrugged its shoulders and went on upstairs.

"I have to get out of here." Joyce thought as she pulled a chair over to the basement window. From the kitchen, cupboard doors began to bang, water started to run, pots and pans rattled, the refrigerator door opened so quickly that the bottles in the door jingled. Accompanied by the clinking of silverware the goblin yelled down the stairs. "Hey lady! 'Ya got any feta cheese and black olives? Got a hankering for Greek..."

"NO!" Joyce yelled back.

Something hit the floor with a thud. "Shit! Sorry about that... So Greek's shot in the ass. How about Tex-Mex? Refried beans? Found the green chilies, so where the hell are the beans?"

THUMP!

Then the sound of something rolling across the floor accompanied by a goblin giggle.

"Get out of my kitchen!" Joyce screamed while stomping up the stairs.

With a smirk Kimmie gave the cupboard door another slam and stomped her foot for additional effect. As she watched the coffee brew her hostess came storming into the kitchen.

"Just what do you think you're....."

"Ssssshit lady, you're too easy. Little territorial over you kitchen, ain't 'ya? All I did was make coffee. So let's have a cup of joe, some girl talk and then you can fix me something to eat."

"I don't think so!" Joyce looked around the room. Not a thing was out of place, she had been suckered - big time. "What do you want." She huffed.

The goblin began to open cupboards and peer inside. "Where are the coffee cups? And.. ahh 'ya got any Pop-Tarts or sardines and crackers? I'm starved - could eat the butt end out of a bear."

"There is a big spider in the front bushes. Why don't you go outside and look for it."

"Ooooh... what kind?" Kimmie said while grabbing two cups off the shelf. "Those tarantula things in Tucson were too damned hairy. It was like eating and flossing at the same time." The goblin sat the mugs beside the coffee maker before turning back toward Joyce. "But sorry sister, I ain't taking the bait. We got to talk."

"Talk about what? Oh, I know - we can talk about how you tried to kill Mr. Giles and me."

"That was Herron's idea. I was just along for the ride. But, if you want to get that way about it, how about we talk about how your buddy tried to drown me."

"Mr. Giles would never do that."

"Bullshit! That sucker played 'dunk-a-goblin' with my head - twice. And while we're at it, just how many times did you knock me ass over tea kettle with that freakin' broom?" Joyce pointed a finger at Kimmie. "YOU deserved it."

"Yeah, the goblin deserved it. Now there's a revaluation... get the god damn goblin.... let's shit on the goblin.... national past-time... right up there with baseball and grand juries...." It muttered while pouring the coffee.

The coffee stream hissed as it hit the hotplate. Joyce pulled a handful of paper towels off the roll and tossed them toward Kimmie. "You're making a mess, clean that up! Can't you wait until it's finished brewing?"

".... Oh, yeah. And now I'm messy. Along with being everybody's favorite piece of shit, I'm now messy. Thanks a lot lady... I'll send you my therapy bill....."

"I am so very sorry. Would you like me to arrange a telethon for you benefit?"

Kimmie gave the splattered coffee a half-assed wipe before taking the mugs over to the table. Sitting down she motioned for Joyce to join her. "That was cold and viscous and catty. But all in all not a bad line, can I use it?"

Joyce picked up the coffee but did not join the goblin at the table. "Are you just here to bitch and moan, or is there a reason for this visit?"

"I need a place to crash for awhile, and since it's your fault I'm jobless and homeless and shit out'ta luck...."

"No way! Absolutely not! Move in with one of your friends, like that Mary Ann, or those two vampires."

"Gregory and Adam got hired on in Tucson. Mary Ann, she got out of the trade and is selling Pampered Chef. Yeah, and it looks like she's on track to clear 55 - 60 grand this year. I knew I was in the wrong racket."

Joyce's jaw dropped. "Fifty-five, sixty thousand dollars?"

"Well, she cheats a bit. Puts a mondo hex on the order books. Nobody can leave one of her parties without ordering about $200 worth."

"Okay Mom... this is just too weird."

Joyce and the goblin both jumped at the sound of Buffy's voice. The Slayer and Willow both stood in the doorway giving the two a puzzled look.

"Hi-ya!" Kimmie said while toasting them with her coffee mug. "Come on in, pull up a chair. I'm Kim and I'm going to be staying here for awhile."

******

"Then it ate a pack of raw chicken; a loaf of bread with a pound of margarine and a half a jar of peanut butter; the cold leftover chili and four apples - cores, stems and all." Willow reported while wrinkling her nose in disgust. "And now it's crunching on a leg bone and reading the paper."

"Goblins are omnivores. It would not be surprising if it devoured the paper after it has finished reading the comics." Giles commented while peering through the front door. "Buffy is still keeping an eye on it, correct?" He asked, to which Willow simply nodded.

Joyce sat down on the porch steps and sighed. "It's not staying here."

"Of course not." Giles agreed from the doorway.

Willow glanced back and forth between Joyce and Giles. "So, you guys burnt this place down. It was an accident, but it still way burned, with flames and firetrucks and everything?"

"Yes, yes, yes... firetrucks and everything." Joyce answered. "And now, three months later, this thing shows up in my basement, demanding room and board."

"Is it dangerous? Like is it mean? It seems more rude than anything else. Rude is mean, but I mean, you know - evil mean." Willow asked Rupert.

Giles brought his attention back to Willow's questioning. "They are wicked, but usually in a juvenile, sophomoric manner. Usually more of an annoyance than anything else. Still I would not recommend that it would be safe to turn your back on it. I must say, it is very good that you called." Giles removed his glasses and began to clean them while he considered the best course of action.

Buffy came the doorway holding thirty dollars. "It wants some 'Pete's Wicked Ale', the stuff to pirate cable TV to the garage, and the change is the first month's rent."

"Aahh, Buffy, you should not have left it alone." Rupert cautioned while replacing his glasses.

"It's using the phone and Mom, uh... it drank your olive oil and then it found your Oreo stash."

"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!! I'M GOING TO DRAG THAT THING OUT OF MY HOUSE BY ITS...." Waving a fist toward the house, Joyce started for the door.

Rupert stopped her halfway across the porch. "Please Joyce, calm down. I have an idea so let me handle this."

Joyce tried to get around Giles but he grabbed hold of her shoulders to keep her from going in to confront the critter.. "Please, let me take care of this goblin." Rupert reiterated.

"I THINK WE SHOULD TRY MY IDEA FIRST!" She yelled through the screen door. "DRAG IT OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AND..."

"Joyce! PLEASE!"

"So what is your plan? I hope it involves rope and a gag." Joyce said while crossing her arms and glaring into the house.

Giles opened the door and motioned for the three to re-enter. "Not exactly, but let's go in. We have left it alone much too long and goblins do have a knack for mischief."

******

Kimmie slammed the receiver back onto the cradle and picked up the phone book. "Strike three, Carlos, Bill and Donna's phones have be disconnected. What in the hell is going on? How do you spell Stivers? S... T.. I.. or S.. I.. T?"

"Most likely all your old friends have left town. Sunnydale Graphics decided not to rebuild." Rupert informed it as he entered the kitchen.

The goblin shot Giles a hateful look and tossed the directory onto the counter. "Well if it isn't 'Tony the Torch', thought that was you out there. So, how's the arson business holding up?"

"Very nicely, thank you for asking. How are things in the deceitful goblin realm?"

"FUBAR'ed, and screw you for asking." It snapped.

Giles pointed to a chair and ordered the Goblin to sit and be quiet. In response it stood its ground and directed a blazing string of night shift profanity at Rupert.

Buffy pulled a sharp stake from the top of the refrigerator and headed over toward it. As the weapon raised Buffy reminded it that, "Giles told you to sit down and shut up and now I'm telling 'ya."

"Hiss."

It then risked one more second of defiance and a final curse before it plopped down into the chair. Giles sat across from it and took a few minutes to study the creature. The only hint of its true nature was an occasional flash of purple in the retinas and the echo of something animal in the movement of its body.

Kimmie returned Rupert's stare for the first minute and then ignored him while she proceeded to polish off Joyce's Oreos. As it picked at the crumbs it pointed a finger at the refrigerator. "Got milk? Need something to wash those down with."

A frown creased Rupert's brow as he nodded for Buffy to bring the goblin the milk. "Want anything else out of there while it's open?" He asked the creature.

Joyce crossed the kitchen and took the milk from Buffy's hand. "Ru-PERT! I am not running an 'all-IT-can-eat'...."

"Bear with me Joyce." Giles took the milk and slid it across the table toward Kimmie. "So, answer me - do you want anything else?"

Kimmie arched an eyebrow at the sudden 'kindness' of the human. "Sure...There's a pack of hamburger and a roll of sausage in the freezer. How 'bout having Sweetie-Pie put down the stake and defrost them for me." It then opened the milk and began to drink from the jug.

"Oh Rupert!" Joyce shook her head at the scene and screwed up her face in disgust. "Rest assured, I will replace every item. Please.. ah, give it the meat."

Willow opened the microwave as Buffy came across the kitchen with the two packages. Edging up to her friend she tossed her head toward Giles to call attention to the frown that was deepening on his brow. "Something's really, really wrong." She barely whispered. Buffy glanced toward the table and nodded in agreement with Willow's observation.

Buffy hit the start button. "Twelve minutes."

"Make it six, then our 'friend' an I will be going."

The goblin put the empty milk carton down and cocked its head At Rupert. "What'ta 'ya mean by that? I'm staying here."

"Out of the question. I will take you to either an abandoned lair I know of or to the library. Be warned, if you choose the library you will be on your best behavior...."

"Library?" Kimmie asked with a sneer.

"You know... a library. That's where books live." Willow chirped. "That wouldn't be bad... Giles could get a cardboard box and put a sweater in it...."

"Pass..." The goblin interrupted. "How about I hang with you, Red? Got a spare room at your place?"

Willow violently shook her head at that prospect. "Aaahhh NO! No spare rooms, every room is filled up. And Mom says absolutely no goblins...."

"Ah, come on, I would be fun."

As the goblin began to vex Willow, Giles went to the counter and picked up a notebook and pen. "Joyce, tell me what Kimmie has eaten and I'll pick it up."

"Oh, never mind about that. Just get that thing out of my house."

Rupert took a quick look to make sure the goblin was not watching and then silently mouthed the words "just tell me" while writing something down on the paper.

"Apples, hamburger, sausage, bread...." Joyce began.

As she finished Rupert tore the sheet from the pad and stuck it in his pocket. He moved around to face Kimmie and pointed toward the door. "Well, we must be going." To this the goblin crossed its arms and blinked. Rupert paused for a moment and rubbed his chin. "If you would rather die here that is fine with me. Joyce, Willow, you better leave the room..."

Kimmie's eyes darted between Slayer and Watcher as if she was assessing the odds. As Willow and Joyce left the kitchen the goblin stood up. "Ah fuck it.... let's go." It growled as it went to the microwave and removed the half thawed meat. It held its hand out to Buffy and demanded, not at all politely, the thirty dollars back.

As the goblin headed for the front door Giles removed the note from his pocket and palmed it off to Buffy. "Hold this out of sight until we're gone." He whispered to her and then he followed Kimmie outside.

The goblin stood on the porch squinting in the late afternoon sun. "I don't like being out in this, I hurts my eyes. Can't we wait until sunset?"

"Just get in the car, you're going to the lair. It will only take about fifteen minutes." As the two pulled away from the curb Buffy unfolded the note.

Joyce - find oak leaves and silver thread. Knot the thread around the stem of the leaf. Put one at or on every window and door. Get enough for me also.

Willow/Buffy - Get Wesley and anyone else who can help. Tell them what has happened. We need to find out all we can about purple-eyed goblins who associate with humans. All meet at library in one hour.