Chapter 9
What color is Kevin’s?" "Kevin’s is blue, Lucy’s is white." "Then it’s Lucy’s." Eve closed her eyes. "But the roof is out. The water is only about four feet deep. She probably got out." "Garcia, that water is shallow, but it is also freezing. Literally. Thirty seconds and she lost consciousness. If Kevin didn’t see it, she could still be in that car." Garcia shook his head. "Let’s not dwell on that. It will be more than a few hours before I can get the car pulled out. If Kevin saw her, he probably took her back to the house." He looked around. "It would be impossible to drive across here now. We’ll have to take a team to clear the snow and go on foot." "Detective!" Garcia turned to the lieutenant that was with him, who was looking at the house with binoculars. "I have a visual on the house. A tree fell on it. I can’t tell how bad the damage is, but there’s a fire in the fireplace." "Okay. We’re going to have to go in on foot." Eve stepped closer to him. "I’m going with you." Garcia started to shake his head, but she continued. "If Lucy didn’t make it, there’s no telling what condition Kevin’s in." They started across the bridge. Chapter 10
"Lucy." He shook her gently. "Lucy? Wake up." She rolled over without opening her eyes. As she did, her body arched in pain. He put his head against hers. Not knowing how much pain was from the accident didn’t make him feel any better. "Come on, babe. Wake up. Our ride’s here." "What?" She finally opened her eyes. "We’re leaving. Come on." Standing, he gently pulled her to her feet. His legs were screaming in protest. Lucy stumbled a few steps before she could stand on her own. They came in from the back door. When Eve saw Kevin, she ran to him and threw her arms around his neck. Kevin put his arms around her, but his eyes locked with Lucy’s. "Are you both okay? We-" Garcia stopped when he saw Lucy’s face. The bruise from the door jamb had turned to a deep purple and all but covered the side of her face. "What happened to your face?" "I drove my car off a bridge." Her tone was sarcastic, but she exchanged a quick look with Kevin that puzzled Eve. "Looks like you took a nasty smack. The problem is, we still can’t get a car in here. We've got a two foot path cleared with the plow. Are you two up to walking?" "Don’t have a choice, do we?" Lucy shrugged, hiding what was going through her mind from everyone except Kevin. "Let’s get out of here." It was almost a mile to the road. Lucy hadn’t gone a quarter of it before she was limping. The cold had immediately settled into her hips and legs. They were about half way when she fell. The first time she got back to her feet, but the second time she stayed in the snow. Kevin leaned over her. "My whole body hurts. It’s hard to move." She was trying not to cry. Pulling her to her feet, he picked her up. Her body was shaking and she put her head against his chest. A little farther up the drive, Kevin’s legs forgot how to walk. He stumbled, almost dropping her. It jarred her so badly, she help crying out in pain. Garcia went to Kevin. "Give her to me before you can’t walk." By the time they got back to the car, Kevin was leaning on the other officer. Garcia put Lucy in his cruiser. "We’re going to take you both to GH." Kevin nodded, but Lucy shook her head. "No. Just take me to the hotel." "Lucy, you couldn’t walk." Garcia started to get in the car. "I need a hot bath and a cup of coffee. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that." Getting out of the car slowly, she leaned on the door. "I just want to go home." "I’ll talk to her." Kevin held her arms. "Lucy, you were in freezing water. You feel what that did to your bones. You were unconscious. You need to be examined." "I don’t want someone to examine me..." She whispered it to him and put her hands on her upper arms where he’d grabbed her. It hit Kevin with a jolt. There were more bruises than the one on her face. Bruises he had given her. He looked up and bit his lip. Lucy saw the tears in his eyes. "I’m okay. Kevin, I just want to go home. Please." "I know what you’re trying to do. I can’t let you. You need to go to the hospital. You don’t want to go because of... I want you to go. For me? Please?" Looking at the ground, she nodded. Touching her face for a moment, he went back to the car Eve was in. "Kevin, what happened back there?" He looked at her, not knowing what to say. His silence told her more than she wanted to know. "You... spent the night with her, she wants you back, I guess it doesn't take a genius to figure out what she did." "It's not nearly that simple. I wish it were." Eve was too mad to stop now. "I was wondering if you were stuck somewhere, if you'd wrecked your car. I thought you were sitting somewhere in the snow, bleeding, maybe dying." The officer opened the door to get in, but she wasn't about to stop. "And you were here, all nice and warm, getting all nice and cozy in bed with Lucy." The officer shut the door, standing back. This was not a conversation he even wanted to hear. Kevin knew there was no way to talk about this calmly with her at this moment. So he just sat back and listened to her. "I don't get it. Explain this to me, Kevin. What is it about her? What is it about the thought of getting up those tight little skirts she wears that turns otherwise intelligent men into high school boys? Is she really that good? I mean, I understand she's had a lot of practice-" "That's enough, Eve." It was not something he wanted to get into at that moment, but he found himself getting angry at what she was saying about Lucy. "I'm an adult, Eve, I do have some self-control. I'm sorry, but it wasn't all her." "No, I guess it wasn't. You fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker, you fell for it. I can't believe how unbelievably stupid men become around her. I know how she does it, but I don't understand why it works. I'm missing something here. Why don't you fill me in on why she's all that." Opening the door to get out, Kevin realized the car they were in was the only one still sitting there. He stood and looked at the officer. The look the officer gave him was one of total sympathy. Glancing towards the car Lucy was in, he looked back at Kevin and shrugged. "I don't blame you." Kevin glared at him. "Don't help me. Can we go?" Still not sure, the officer got in the car. Not saying a word, Kevin sat down and stared out the window. He could hear Eve crying on the other side of the car. Finally, he looked at her. "I am sorry, Eve." She shook her head. "I'm sure you will be. What do you think Scott's going to do when he finds out." He did not like the way she said that. "Please don't make him find out from you. You heard it from me. Give Scott the chance to hear it from her." Once again, Eve was furious. "Why is it you both lived with her for years, and I know her better than either of you? If you don't ask her to come back to you, Scott will never find out. At least not from her. She won't give up Scott unless she knows she's got you." Suddenly, Eve's expression was one of total shock. "That's it, isn't it? She does have you, doesn't she? You're going to go back to her, aren't you?" She began to cry. "Everything she did to you, all she had to do was.... well, now I know what they mean but 'screwing your brains out', don't I." Kevin's eyes glanced at the rear view mirror. The poor officer looked as if he'd rather be tied to the front bumper than be in the car with them. Kevin understood. He didn't want to be in the car. "Can we go through this later?" "No we can't. You have no idea how my night was. Believe me, it was nothing like yours." "You make this sound like it's so simple. It's not, Eve. There's nothing simple about this." "Oh, I think it is, Kevin. At least for her." "I almost killed her! I made her try to drive out of there. She was afraid, but I didn't care. I wanted to get out of there, no matter what happened. She was the one in the water, not me. Do you think it was a great night for her?" "So you had to sleep with her to make it up to her?" His anger finally go the better of him. "You sound like all we did all night was make love." They almost had, but he wasn't about to go there. "What makes you think I'm just going to run back to her? I told her last night doesn't mean we're back together. She knows I might hurt her all over again. To be completely honest with you, Eve, after last night, I don't think I should be with either one of you. I... I'm not good for anybody." The look on his face told her there was more to this than what she'd guessed. "What happened?" "Not now. Not here. Let's say I did her more harm then good and leave it at that right now." His mind started to replay everything that happened in the bathroom again, and the pain showed on his face. "Kevin, don't shut me out. I can't say I'll get over what happened between you, but I don't like the look on your face." "That house. That damn house." His voice was a whisper. "Lucy's right. I'm going to tear it down. Before it destroys me. Before I... before I kill someone because of what it does to me." The tone of his voice scared Eve. "You had another flashback, didn't you. Ryan?" She was whispering now. The officer couldn't hear them, and he was glad. He sighed and looked at her, his expression nothing but pain. "I completely lost it. I haven't been that out of it since...." He shook his head. "Be glad you weren't there that night. Everything crashed in on me." Taking a deep breath, he knew he had to continue. "Lucy knew it. She knew what was happening. Once again, she jumped in and tried to stop it. She tried to help me. She did, she brought me back. But not before I...." He couldn't finish. Eve knew what he couldn't say was important. "Kevin, whatever you did, it's over. You're okay. You're here. Whether you're with me or Lucy, you're not there anymore." "I'm always capable of going back. That's what I have to face. I thought I was past it. I'm not, and I don't think I ever will be." "It's part of you, Kevin. I know it. I'm sure Lucy knows it. We accept it. You don't have to feel guilty about who you are. You had a bad night. It's not like you really hurt anyone but yourself." His eyes met hers and what she saw scared the hell out of her. "I'm missing something here. Tell me. Please." "I... If the only person who got hurt was me, I could live with it. What I can't live with is what I do to the people I love. What I...what I did to her." Eve thought he was talking about the accident. "Kevin, she's fine. A little hypothermia, a nasty bruise on her face, but she's going to be-" The way Kevin's head snapped up to look at her stopped her. A thought went through her mind, but she couldn't say it. He continued to stare at her, as if he wanted her to figure something out without him saying it. Then she remembered the way they'd looked at each other when Garcia asked Lucy about her face, and it made sense. It made sense, but it didn't at the same time. "She...she did get that bruise when she wrecked her car, right?" Tears filled his eyes, and he shook his head. It couldn't have been his fault. He wasn't capable of... "What did she do?" "You really want to blame her for everything that happens, don't you. You're starting to sound like her, you know that? All the evils in the world are Lucy Coe's fault. Guess what. They're not. What I did to her was definitely not her fault. Even if she'd said or done something, it wouldn't excuse what I did." Turning away from her, he let her know that was the end of the conversation. The rest of the trip was silent until they got to Eve's car. Then he looked at her. "You don't have to go with me. I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to get rid of you, but I don't think you should. There's so much going through my mind right now, I don't think it would be good for us." She felt herself starting to cry again. "Is there an us?" He couldn't answer her.
Gail finally arrived and went to see her. "Finally. Where've you been?" "I've been busy, Lucy. Are you all right." Nodding, she stood. "I want to go home and get warm. But I wanted to ask you to talk to Kevin when you get a chance." "Lucy, you need to let someone look at you. Just to be sure you're okay. Why do you want me to talk to Kevin?" Not really wanting to get into it with Gail, she shook her head. "He had a few really bad moments in that house." The way she was fidgeting, Gail knew she was going to run any moment. "Lucy, will you at least let me look at you? Then I'll talk to him. I promise." Gail took her silence as a yes. "First thing I want to do is get an x-ray of your face. You took a pretty bad hit." "No, I didn't. It's a bruise. I've had them before. It'll go away." Taking the pressure cuff off the wall, she pulled Lucy's arm up. Lucy couldn't hide the fact that it hurt. "Lucy, come on, you're hurt. I know your car went off a bridge. Now let me look at you." Defeated, she pulled her shirt off and put on the hospital gown they had given to her. There were several bruises across her shoulders and Gail looked at them. "Tell me exactly what happened." "I was driving across the bridge, the car slid sideways and off. I went with it. I tried to get to the side, but it was too cold." She shrugged. "End of story." Gail definitely got the impression that was not the end of the story, but she didn't say anything. Looking at Lucy's arms, she saw bruises she recognized, but they weren't from a car accident. "Lucy, are you going to tell me what happened?" "What?" "Your arm. See these long, thin bruises? The ones that look like fingers wrapped around your arm?" Pulling her arm away from Gail, she stood. "I'm fine. Can't you see that? I just want to go home." "Lucy, if I ask Kevin what happened, what will he tell me?" "He grabbed my arms and dragged me out of the water. He was scared, and he didn't mean to do it that hard. Don't ask him about this. I'm sorry I asked for you. But I'm afraid for him. I didn't want anyone else to look at me. I thought I could tell you what I wanted to say and leave. You can see I'm fine. I'm sore and I want to get warm. So, thank you for listening and I'll get my things and go home. I didn't want to come here in the first place." Gail took her hand. "Lucy, what did Kevin do to you?" "Nothing! He didn't do anything. He just, sort of forgot where he was, you know? That's why I wanted you to talk to him." Having heard the word 'nothing' from too many women with bruises like the ones Lucy had, Gail knew Kevin had hurt her. But why? What could possibly make Kevin put those kind of bruises on her? Getting it out of Lucy was going to be harder than pulling teeth. But she had asked for Gail, so maybe she wanted to tell her, but couldn’t. She gave it another try. "Lucy, you asked for me. You wanted me here. Why?" "Because I’m worried about him." "Why? Why are you worried about him? What did he do?" Lucy’s eyes stared into Gail’s for almost a minute before she spoke again. "I don’t know if it was a mistake or not. I mean, you’re his friend, his doctor, right? But if you don’t know what happened, you might not be able to help him. I didn’t want anyone else to look at me." "Because they’d figure out Kevin put those bruises on you? Did you think I wouldn’t?" Lucy began to cry. "I didn’t know who else I could talk to. No, I didn’t want anyone else to know. I knew they would. The car accident wasn’t that bad. I know what those bruises on my arm look like. You really didn’t have to show me. I knew anyone who looked at them would know. But that doesn’t mean I wanted to tell anyone. I didn’t know if he would tell you. I figured he would, but I knew he wouldn’t want anyone else to know." "Lucy, look at me. Lucy, you’re hurt. Let’s talk about that for a minute. Not Kevin. You." "I don’t want to. I’m fine." Okay, different approach with her. "Let’s talk about Kevin, then. What happened to him. He forgot where he was. Why?" Lucy looked like she’d rather go back out in the snow then talk about this. "He went in that bathroom. It was my fault. I asked him to get me a towel. It was like he was there again. Sort of. It wasn’t like last time. He started screaming at me. Gail, just ask him. See what he says. If he wants to tell you." Gail watched her carefully for a moment, trying to decide which way to go with her. She wasn’t just going to open up about it. Her desire to protect him was as strong as her desire to help him. Maybe that was it. "Kevin hurt you, right? That’s why you’re worried about him. You know that he would never hurt you unless something was really wrong with him. I can’t help him if you don’t tell me what happened." The look on Lucy’s face scared Gail. She couldn’t remember a time she’d ever seen her look so defeated. "He just wasn’t himself. I couldn’t get through to him. He was screaming at me, but he wasn’t. You can’t tell anyone about this, right? You can’t even tell Kevin unless he asks you, right?" "I can’t even tell Kevin unless you tell me I can." Lucy nodded. "If he asks, you can tell him. I don’t want you to go to him and accuse him of... He didn’t mean to. I know he didn’t." "Lucy, I need to know the truth if I’m going to help either one of you. How much of this is from the accident?" "I don’t need help. I’m fine." "Lucy...." Finally she sighed and wrapped her arms around herself. "None. Okay? I’m sore, and every joint in my body feels like they don’t ever want to move again, but I didn’t hit anything. The car didn’t fall that far, and the water slowed it down. It’s just that the water was freezing. Hypothermia is what he said to me a few dozen times." "Oh, good heavens, Lucy! You’re face?" She nodded. "Then what happened?" Lucy’s eyes met hers again for a moment before dropping to the ground. Her voice was so quiet Gail had to strain to hear what she said. "I helped him undress me." "Undress you? Lucy," She wouldn’t look at Gail, so Gail stood closer to her and took her hands. "Lucy, look at me." Lucy looked at Gail, but her eyes stayed down, like she was ashamed. Ashamed of helping him? Ashamed of telling her? Ashamed of what happened? Gail didn’t know, but she had to know the rest of the story. "Lucy, what did he do to you?" "Not what you’re thinking. I didn’t say no. I didn’t try to stop him. He didn’t force... If I’d tried to stop him, he would have stopped. I know you don’t believe me." "I don’t think you believe yourself. You can’t make up an excuse for this." "Gail, it’s okay. I mean, we’d..." She realized she was about to tell Scott’s step-mother she’d cheated on Scott. Sighing again, she finally met Gail’s eyes with her own. It was a lot easier for her to admit what she’d done than what Kevin had done. "We’d already made love three times last night. That was the fourth time we’d had sex." Gail looked at her. "Did you hear yourself? You’d already made love three times, and had sex the fourth?" Lucy began to cry. "He was so angry. He kept screaming at me. ‘Do you want to know what you’re missing? Do you want to know what’s going on? I’ll show you. I’ll show you what’s going on.’ I’ve never seen him so angry." "And?" "And I took my clothes off. I didn’t try to stop him." Gail pushed her hair off her face like she would a child. "Looking at the bruises, maybe you should be examined." "No. I’m fine. It hurt when, you know, when it happened. But I’m fine." "No blood?" Lucy shook her head. "Lucy, I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. If I ask Kevin what he did to you, what will he say?" "I don’t want you to ask Kevin. If he comes to you, fine. Tell him everything I said. But if he doesn’t come to you, then you don’t tell him I ever told you. You can’t. Promise me. Please?" "Okay, calm down. I won’t bring it up to him." She picked up her stethoscope. "Now can I examine you for any residual hypothermia?" Lucy nodded. "Gail, I will tell Scott what happened when he gets back. He’s known all along I love Kevin. I never lied to him about that. I never promised him I wouldn’t go back to Kevin if I had the chance. I never thought I’d have the chance, I’m still not sure I do. But Scott’s known all along Kevin’s the one I want to be with." "That’s between the two of you. I don’t want to see Scott hurt, but I’ve always known how you feel about Kevin. You couldn’t hide it from me, I know Scott saw it. I couldn’t say anything to him if I wanted to. And believe me, I don’t want to. That’s your place, and I believe you when you say you will." Chapter 12
The look on his face told her that Lucy was right. He was in trouble. Without saying more than a few words, they went to her office. He sat in a chair, staring at the wall. "Kevin, what happened?" "I take it you’ve talked to Lucy." Gail nodded. "She’s worried about you. She asked me to talk to you." "She’s worried about me? What about her? How is she?" "She’s going to be sore, you were right about the hypothermia. A few residual effects, but nothing to worry about. Physically, she going to be fine." Kevin stared at her intently for a moment. "We both know I’m not talking about hypothermia. Who examined her?" "I was the only one she’d let near her. I did. She does have a few nasty bruises, but she says she’s fine." "Did she tell you what happened?" "Kevin, why don’t you tell me what happened. I think Lucy’s... possibly omitting a few things." Shaking his head, he sighed. "No ‘possibly’ about it. I know she won’t tell anyone everything. Not even herself. That’s the problem." His tone sounded as if he were almost irritated with her. "Would you prefer she told everyone?" When Kevin looked at her, she continued. "I don’t think Lucy is the type of woman you can have it both ways with. I know she lied about what happened. She’s probably lying to herself as much as anyone else, but she does admit what happened to the point she’s trying to protect you. If I hadn’t seen the bruises, I would have never known anything happened." He closed his eyes, and his voice trembled. "How bad is it, Gail? I mean, I know the fact that I put one bruise on her... How bad are the rest of them? I need to know." "I didn’t say that to make you feel worse. I’m trying to explain that Lucy knows what you did to her was wrong. She knew anyone who looked at her would know how some of those bruises happened. I’m not going to say she simply told me everything. She didn’t . I want to hear it from you." Even in the quiet of the room, Gail had to listen very carefully to hear everything Kevin said. "I hurt her. I can’t believe how badly I hurt her. I... I didn’t realize it until after. I ran down the hall to get her a towel and ran right into that bathroom. I’d been avoiding it since that night. One look around in there was all it took. I was right back there." He took a deep breath and continued. "Lucy knew it. She begged me to get out of there. That’s when it really started, I guess. I... don’t really remember what was going through my mind, but I know I grabbed her and threw her into the wall... I remember hearing her face hit the wall." Gail interrupted him. "Was she conscious?" "Yes. She would have been better off if I’d knocked her out." "Why?" "Because I don’t remember much after that. I think the sound of her crying is what set me off. It wasn’t her fault, but I believe that’s what did it." He started to shake. "I don’t remember anything between that and the moment I was looking down at her. She was staring at the ceiling and crying. As long as I live, I will never forget the look on her face. She was so confused, so hurt. I’ve hurt her before, but never......" His voice trailed off. Gail knew she had to keep him talking, to keep him going. "What were you thinking at that point?" "I couldn’t think. It was like, all of a sudden I realized where I was. What I was doing to her." He began to cry. "I... was hurting her." Watching him struggle to find the words to explain, Gail thought about what Lucy had said. ‘He wasn’t himself.’ Finally, he continued, tears were running down his face and his entire body was trembling. "I... I started to get up, and I realized.... I was inside of her. I was hurting her. It was me, doing this to this woman who has done nothing but love me. Why? Why was it so easy for me to become what I hate?" Finding herself about to cry, Gail kept her voice low. "Then what happened?" "I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t stand the way she was looking at me. I was a stranger to myself, what was I to her at that moment?" He shook his head. "She won’t admit it, but I was.." He couldn’t finish. "Keep going. What did she do?" "I couldn’t look at her. I was up against the tub. I felt her hands on my arm, my face. She was begging me to.....Gail, she told me she was sorry! I did that to her and she apologized! She told me she was okay and she was worried about me. I don’t know what she told you, but I know what she told me, and she’s wrong. She’s lying to herself. I..." His throat tightened to the point he could barely breathe, but he had to say it. To himself more than to Gail. He needed to admit it for what it was. "I... I.... raped her. Gail, I slammed her head into a wall and I raped her." "Did she tell you to stop?" He was almost hysterical, and Gail wanted to avoid that for the moment. "It wouldn’t have mattered. I don’t know if she was afraid to, or if she didn’t believe I’d do it, but I do know one thing. It wasn’t because she wanted me to hurt her. My guess is she unbuttoned her jeans because I was ripping them apart." "We’re almost there. What happened next?" "We talked. She loves me. After everything I’ve done to her, everything I’ve put her through, she still loves me." He laughed, but there was no humor in it. "You want irony? She actually told me how safe she feels in my arms, and went to sleep against me." "This is probably the hardest question I have for you, Kevin. How do you feel about her now?" "I love her. I never stopped loving her. I’m probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. As far as being with her? I know that’s what she wants. She’s not being honest with herself about what happened, and she can’t understand why it’s so important to me to be honest about what happened. I don’t know if she can be. That’s why I left her before, but now it’s more important than ever." "I will tell you you’re right. She’s not dealing with what happened, and she might not be able to. You and I have talked before about her defense mechanisms. They are very well developed. The decision of whether to be with her or not is yours. I think you know that she can’t change the way she is. Whatever happened to her that taught her to use denial to cope happened long before either of us ever met her." Kevin looked at Gail, still unsure of himself, but knowing one thing. "I need to see her. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I know I have to say it." "Are you sure?" "Yes." Gail was only gone a few minutes. When she came back, Lucy was with her. She had on the same jeans, but she’d gotten an oversized sweater from the gift shop. It was so big on her, it emphasized how small she was, and made Kevin feel worse. Lucy looked at Kevin. "Are you okay?" Standing up, he started to reach for her, then stopped. It was all she needed. Crossing the room, she wrapped her arms around him. He squeezed her against him until she inhaled sharply. Letting go, he stepped back and stared at her. "I need to see what I did to you." "No, you don’t." "Lucy, I know you don’t want to deal with what I did. You don’t want to hurt me. But I need to deal with it. Please." Turning around, her eyes met Gail’s for a moment before she pulled the back of the sweater up so he could see her back. Then she stared at the ceiling, biting her lip in an effort to stop the tears from falling from her eyes. Kevin didn’t try to stop his own tears. Gently, afraid of hurting her, he touched the bruises. Her body trembled at his touch. His voice was a whisper. "I did this. I did this. I did this." The pain in his voice was killing her. Dropping the sweater, she turned to him and took his hands. "I’m okay. See? I’m here, holding your hands. I’m fine. It’s okay." "It’s not okay, Lucy. It’s about as far from okay as it can get." "It’s not your fault. You were hurt-" "Yes, I was hurt. But that doesn’t mean I can turn around and hurt you. I saw the look on your face. As long as I live, I will never forget it." "Doc, please don’t do this to yourself. Please. You didn’t really hurt me." "Stop it Lucy! You can make excuses for yourself all you want, but don’t make them for me!" He shouted at her, and she pulled away from him a brief look of fear on her face. Seeing it, he sat down, not able to look at her. "See? You’re afraid of me. Don’t tell me I didn’t hurt you. You can say it all day long. But I know the truth." Taking her hand, he looked into her eyes. "I know what I did to you. I beat you. And I.... I raped you." "Don’t say that! You didn’t-" "Because you didn’t say no? That you stopped me from tearing your clothes off by taking them off yourself? Just because you’re willing to let me do anything to you I want doesn’t mean I should. Lucy, you don’t want to realize I’m capable of something that horrible. I don’t want to, either, but I have to. That’s what you don’t understand." "I do understand!" She was hysterical now. "I know exactly what you did!" "I don’t think so, Lucy. That’s our problem. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with me?" "Don’t start this with me. Seems to me you were just as happy I lied to Garcia and Eve. Would you have preferred I told them the truth?" He couldn’t answer her. "Let me tell you something- until you went in there, last night was everything I’ve dreamed about for the last 8 months- since the day you left me. I’ve loved you, I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been with you, I’ve also been more lost than I’ve ever been without you. You have me. In every way imaginable, I’m yours. But don’t you dare, ever try to tell me how I’m supposed to feel about anything. You have no right to decide I’m lying because I don’t agree with you." She was furious and hurt at the same time, and she was screaming at him. "You tell me, Lucy. Did you enjoy what I did to you? Did you actually believe you could’ve stopped me? Look at the bruises I put on you. Do they hurt? Is that the way you wanted it? Would you ever want it like that again?" Now he was as angry as she was. She couldn’t deal with what had happened, he understood that, but he’d never told her how to feel. "You want the truth? Fine. Yes, you hurt me. You scared me. But I didn’t try to stop you. I didn’t want to fight with you. Do you honestly believe that was the first time I’ve had sex when I really didn’t want to?" "Oh, so you just gave in? Is that what you really want to believe? Because I know better, Lucy. I have to face it even if you can’t. I know what I did to you! You didn’t just give in, you were hurt and afraid of me. I’ve never told you how to feel, I’m telling you what I saw on your face. What I see now all over you. I did that to you. I have to know why I did it. I can’t pretend it was something it wasn’t." "It wasn’t what you think it was! You’re not capable of it. Believe me, I know better than you do what I’m talking about." "Obviously I am capable of it.-" "No, you’re not. You don’t get it. I’ve been raped before, and what you did doesn’t come close!" The sudden silence in the room echoed. The shock on Kevin’s and Gail’s faces was only matched by Lucy’s. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she stopped and looked at the floor, waiting to see if anyone was going to say anything. Kevin looked at her, his voice suddenly quiet. "Lucy...." Tears came to her eyes, and she shrugged. "It was a long time ago." Her voice was as quiet as his. "But I know what it is. Trust me, I know." Slowly, he reached for her hand. She sat in a chair next to him, holding his hands so tightly her knuckles were white. Finally she looked at him. "This isn’t about something that happened years ago. This is about what happened last night. You were different, Kevin. That’s what you need to deal with. You weren’t that scared little boy I saw last time. You were angry, furious. For the first time, you were actually angry. It wasn’t your fault, and you were mad about it. I know what you did. No, it wasn’t right. But it’s like..." She paused, her mind searching for the right words. "It’s like an alcoholic. You slipped." Smiling, she kissed his hand. "Fortunately, it was me. I get over it and I don’t press charges." He knew she was trying to lighten the mood a little, so he smiled at her. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" Touching his face, she shrugged. "I don’t know, but it must have been terrible." Pulling her into his lap, he hugged her. His mind kept going over what she’d said. He’d always known something had happened to her, but she’d never so much as hinted to what it was. His eyes met Gail’s and she had the same expression on her face. In one way, Lucy’s outburst had shocked both of them. But in another, it hadn’t. Gail resisted the urge to push Lucy farther. She seemed to have a good grip on what was going on in Kevin’s mind. It didn’t make what he did right, and she would have to talk about this more in depth with him later. She was also sure it wasn’t as simple in Lucy’s mind as she was telling Kevin. But that would come. It had been bad, Gail had the bruises, and it had reminded Lucy of the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Maybe. There was a lot more to Lucy than most people would ever guess. The fact that she’d never told Kevin told Gail a lot. Kevin was closer to her than Gail thought anyone had ever been, and she’d still held back from him. What else had happened to her? Lucy finally stood. "I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m still cold. I want to go home, get in a hot bath, and eat." Gail nodded. "Maybe that’s what you both should do. I want both of you to call me tomorrow. This isn’t the end of it." "Believe me, I know that." Kevin opened the door for Lucy and turned back to Gail. "Thank you. I will call you." Lucy poked her head back in the door. "Gail? Um, you’re going to get a bill from the gift shop...." Smiling sheepishly, she shrugged. "My purse is at the bottom of the creek, and the cashier knew I know you...." Gail laughed. "It’s okay." "Just call me when you get it. Thanks. Ta." Kevin and Lucy walked towards the elevator. Kevin took her hand. "I would have bought you a sweater." "I had a bigger favor to ask of you." He was almost afraid to ask. "What?" "Well, I called Mac. He said it will be a few days before they can have my car brought back here. If my purse is still in it, I can have it back. But until then.." "No cash, no credit cards." He feigned horror. "Lucy, just hold on. You’ll be okay. I promise. You’ll find a way to get through this." Laughing, she smacked him. "Ha. Ha. I will have cash in the morning. But... at the moment, what I’m really missing, is... um..a." She shrugged again. "A car." "That’s it? Here." He handed her his keys. "Just bring it back when you’re done. It might be March before you can actually drive it, but you’re welcome to it." They got in the elevator, their laughter echoing down the halls. "You’re so sweet to me. No, what I mean is.. Stop laughing." She started laughing again. "Stop. It’s not that funny. Ha. Ha." "I don’t have a car at the moment to loan you. So what’s your point?" "My point is that you need plastic to rent one. And since I don’t have any at the moment..." Kevin got her point. "All this because you want me to rent you a car?" "I’ll transfer it to my credit card as soon as I get them back or replaced-" In the privacy of the elevator, Kevin hugged her to him tightly. "I’ll buy you one, if that will make you happy." "I’ll leave that to the insurance company. But thanks, anyway." She reached for his neck and kissed him. "That’s what will make me happy." Looking at her, he sighed. "You’re not going to make this easy, are you." "No. Would I be me if I did? I love you, I know you love me, so I’d be a total fool to make this easy. And I may be a lot of things, I’m not a fool." They hailed a cab and went to rent cars. Chapter 13
He returned her kiss, equally passionate. Then he pulled away. "Lucy, this isn’t a good idea." "I know. But..." "I need time. To think. About you, me,..." "Eve. I know she’s part of this." "Yes, Eve. I honestly don’t know how big a part of this she is. Obviously you are a much bigger part than I thought two days ago. But the biggest part is me. I need to figure out what’s going on in my head. I thought I was past all that. I was wrong. I really think I need to be alone for a while. Please understand. I know it’s not fair to you." "I know. That doesn’t mean I have to like it." She had to ask. "Is Eve still going to live with you?" Her question irritated him for a moment, but he realized after the night they’d shared, she had a right to know. He’d given her the right when he’d made love to her. "I’ll be suprised if she’s there when I get home. I told her what happened between us. She wasn’t exactly thrilled." Lucy’s eyes met his. "Did you tell her everything?" He couldn’t answer her. Honesty was important enough for him to leave her at the altar, but all of a sudden it didn’t seem right. Knowing what was going through his mind, she let it go. Maybe now he’d understand what she’d done a little better. "Call me, okay?" Nodding, he put his arms around her one more time, not really sure he wanted to let go. "I will. I’ll want to know how you are." They were quiet for a moment. "Lucy, why didn’t you ever tell me?" "I’ve never told anyone. It was not something I ever intended to bring up again. When the time is right, and I think you’ll know when it is. Ask me. I’ll tell you everything about it. I promise." Maybe he would, maybe he would let her past stay there. In the past. It was painful for her, and it took a lot to tell him he could ask her. He had no doubt she would tell him when the time was right. At the moment, he didn’t know if he could ask her to relive it. Finally he forced himself to let go of her. "I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen. But I do love you. I know that you know, but I had to say it." Kissing him once, softly on the lips, she backed away from him, crying. "I love you, and I’ll wait for you. I promise." Chapter 14
"Are you all right?" She looked at him, but wouldn’t meet his eyes with her own. "I don’t know." "Are you going to tell me the rest?" Kevin didn’t answer her. They stood there for a few minutes, the silence telling both of them more than any words could. Eve decided to take the first step. "I guess I should ask you what you want." "What I want is to be able to know I’m not going down that road again. What I want is to not hurt everyone I come in contact with. What I have to admit is that I’m not going to get what I want." His voice was low and steady, like he’d been thinking about this for some time. Eve had been thinking, too. "I would stay beside you and help you. I would do anything I could to make you feel better. What goes on in your head where your parents and Ryan are concerned, I would stand beside you and not have a second thought. But I don’t think I can get over you sleeping with Lucy." She almost laughed. "Anyone else. I mean that. If it had been anyone else, I could probably find a way to get past it. But not her." "Eve, I know I hurt you." "Oh I know you do. Right now, I feel about the same way you did when you found her with Scott. Only I have more right to be upset than you did. I am supposed to be WITH you. I thought we were happy together. I guess I was happier than you were." His face showed how much that comment hurt, and she was glad. She hadn’t wanted to intentionally hurt him until now. Reminding him of that moment would make him question his feelings for Lucy. "After everything we’ve-" Suddenly, she stopped. "I’m not going to do this, Kevin. I’m not going to stoop to her level. I’m not going to yell, scream, beg, cry, or even use sex to ‘get you back’. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever had you to begin with." He still didn’t answer her. There was nothing he could say. Eve wasn’t through. "I guess it’s just as well. I was so tired of waiting for you to save her from her latest escapade. Always wondering if you were going to come back to me or if she was finally going to get her claws in you again." "That’s enough! You know, I’m not really happy about your opinion of her, but her opinion of you is just as bad, so I don’t say anything. But you’re acting like I’m some idiot teenager with a hormone problem that I can’t control." "Well, when you’re around her, you act like one! You don’t think she knows that? I’m sure she knows what to say and definitely what to do to get your attention. You don’t think I know as well as she does how to get a man to the point he can’t think? I made my living that way for a while, as she was more than happy to tell you. I choose not to act like that. I’m not saying it’s all her fault. I did think you were smarter than that. Maybe that’s why you do make it a point to avoid her. I guess you knew if Lucy got close enough to put her hands down your pants-" "Enough! You made your point. Let it go." "No, Kevin. I’m not going to let it go. I’m going to let you go." As soon as she said it, she wondered if she meant it. She’d spent the last few hours trying to decide what she was going to do. Maybe this was it. "I can’t- no, I won’t fight Lucy Coe for you. This is all I’m going to say. I’m moving back to Chris’s. I do love you, but I’ve spent the last 8 months of my life sharing your heart with her. Knowing she has a big part of it. I could live with that. But I’ll be damned if I will share your bed with her!" Kevin felt like he should say something, but he had no idea what. Eve was right. He’d asked way too much of her where Lucy was concerned. He knew before he even left Jasmine Island that he’d gone too far. Literally. She’d stood by while he’d wrestled with his feelings for Lucy, running to help her if she was in trouble. He’d explained it by telling Eve that he’d do the same for her. He would, but it didn’t make what he’d put her through right. Going to her, he put his hands on her shoulders. "I can’t say anything to make this better for either of us. I can tell you that I’m not sure Lucy is where I want to be. I think I’m better off alone for now. Until I figure out where my head is. I don’t mean about you or Lucy. I mean about the ghosts in my head. If this is going where I’m afraid it’s going, neither one of you would be safe with me. That’s why I’m agreeing with your decision to move out more than anything else." Once again, worry crossed Eve’s face. "Are you going to tell me about that? What happened besides you and Lucy?" "I told you everything I can right now. I’m not shutting you out, but I can’t.... it’s too ... " He couldn’t go on. Eve looked at him intently. "Kevin, are you sure you should be alone?" "I don’t want you here right now. I don’t know what I’m capable of- that’s not true. I have found out in the last 24 hours that I’m capable of more that I ever thought. And I’m not talking about what happened before...." "I know. I saw the bruise, remember? Something had to have pushed you over the edge, I do know you that well. I know if something wasn’t wrong, you never would have raised a hand against Lucy. It’s not you. I mean, let’s be honest. She’s given you plenty of reasons to slap her, and you never did. Even when no one would blame you. It’s just not in you to hurt her." He gave her a thin smile. "Now you sound like her. It was me, I did it. That and...." "Don’t. I understand. And I’ll tell you something that really hurts to say. Lucy understands. Whatever you did to her, she understands. I could see that." "She always understands. Even when she gets hurt, she understands. I wish she didn’t right now. I think I’d feel better if she hated me for what I did." His voice cracked. "I think you hate yourself enough right now for all of us. I can see it in your eyes. I can’t believe I’m going to say this. I hate Lucy, you know that. Part of me was actually glad you’d finally whacked her." The look on his face stopped her. "You’re the one who always goes on and on about being honest. That’s the truth. But I also know how much it hurt her. And she won’t tell anyone. She understands. And she’ll forgive you. If she hasn’t already." Now the tears came. As much as it hurt her to say it, she had to. "This is the truth. And I’m telling you because I love you, and I have to tell you the truth. I don’t think I can forgive you for sleeping with her. But I know she would. What does that say about her? About me?" Now Kevin’s eyes filled with tears and he pulled Eve into his arms. "It tells me I don’t deserve either of you. I have no right to even ask you to forgive me for what happened between Lucy and me. Just like I have no right to ask her to forgive me for everything else that happened. It tells me that you’re a strong woman who stands behind what she believes. You’re honest with me, and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Even if it hurts."Letting go of her, he stepped back. "It also tells me that Lucy has a capacity to forgive and understand that I will never have. It does her more harm than good sometimes." Eve felt a ray of hope. "You can’t forgive her, can you." "Right now, it’s not about who did what to who or who could forgive who. It’s about me. What’s going through my head, and how I’m going to deal with it. I found out I could be dangerous to any one last night. And I didn’t like it. If I could hurt Lucy like that-" "Kevin, stop it. She’s fine. I’m not saying what happened was right. I don’t know what happened, but-" "Eve, believe me, she’s not fine. And I’m the last thing she needs right now. But I’ve said too many times she is not what this is about. It’s about me. Please leave me alone. I don’t mean it to sound as bad as it does, but I need to be alone." Eve looked at him for another moment before she went out the door. The silence she left behind was louder than any explosion Kevin had
ever heard.
Chapter 15 Kevin sat on the couch for about 30 seconds before the memories started to run through his mind. The look on Lucy’s face as he looked down at her would haunt him for the rest of his life. He didn’t know what was happening to him, let alone how to stop it. Looking up, he found himself starting into a mirror. For a moment he thought it was Ryan, but he knew better. He wanted it to be Ryan. But the truth was, it was his own face staring back at him. Rage took over, and he picked up a candy jar off the table and threw it into the mirror, screaming as he did. Both of them shattered, but even though he couldn’t see his reflection any longer, he didn’t feel any better. The light. That was it. With one swing, he shattered the lamp and darkness enveloped the room. It wasn’t enough. He wanted to break everything in the room. Like Mother had broken him. Like he’d broken Lucy. A million pieces that could never be put back together again. The sound of glass breaking echoed throughout the house. Finally he exhausted himself, and he sat on the floor against the wall, trying to catch his breath. The front door opened. Victor’s voice broke the silence. "Monk?" Kevin was trying to decide whether to answer him when the foyer light showed Victor what Kevin had done. "What happened? Kevin, are you all right?" "Get out, Victor." He didn’t move from where he was. Victor’s voice was quiet, his confusion evident. "What happened? I’ve been trying to catch up with you. When I called Mac, he told me you and Lucy were fine." "Oh, yeah, we’re just great. Can’t you tell?" "Well, I can’t tell anything from here. Come over and sit with me." Now he was past worried and getting scared. Something had happened, something terrible from the looks of what Kevin had done to the house. "Monk, where is Lucy?" "She’s at the hotel. Why would she want to be here? Before you ask, Eve’s gone, too." "Why? Kevin, please tell me what happened?" Standing up, Kevin went to the edge of the light. "I happened, Victor. I happened to Lucy, and Eve, and every other woman I’ve ever been close to." He laughed, but there was no humor in it. "I went up there to help her. That’s the joke. I went to get her, and I…" "You what? Tell me. Please. What happened? I was afraid as soon as I realized you must have gotten caught in the storm on the island. Did you have any more flashbacks? Did you see Ryan? Please talk to me, Monk." "I wished I’d seen Ryan, I really do. Because I could say it wasn’t me. It wasn’t Ryan, Victor. It was me. It was me, becoming what I hate the most. Becoming her, him, a little of the worst of every one of the Collins. Wanting to hurt someone as much as they hurt me." He shook his head. "Not someone. Her. Lucy." Slowly, Victor stepped a little closer to Kevin. "I know Lucy hurt you, Monk. But she didn’t-" "Lucy hurt me?!" Kevin’s mind took a moment to realize what Victor was talking about. "I’m not talking about that. Believe me, she paid for it today. She paid for loving me, for hurting me, for every minute of every day she ever knew me. Not that she learned anything. She still loves me." He laughed again, but it was a cold, cruel laugh that sent chills up Victor’s spine. "That’s one thing you can say about her. She never learns. After everything I did to her, she still wants to be with me. She’s got the hardest head of anyone I’ve ever known. And I proved it." His throat tightened and he began to cry again. Still not having any idea what Kevin was talking about, Victor went to him. "Kevin, look at me. I need to know. I need you to tell me. What happened?" "I need to be alone, Victor. Just go." "No, I won’t. The last thing you need right now is to be alone. Whatever happened, you’ll get through it. I know it." "Not me, Victor! Have you heard a word I’ve said? I don’t care if I get through it anymore. I’m tired of trying to get through it. You want to worry about someone? Worry about Lucy. After what I did to her, she’s the one who needs to get through it." Taking Kevin’s arms, Victor looked into his eyes. They were almost black in the lack of light, but he could see the redness and circles under them. "Tell me what happened." Kevin’s knees buckled and he fell to the floor. It was everything Victor could do to keep him from landing in a heap. "Why? Why did I do it? Why did I hurt her?" Kevin let Victor hold him as he had when Kevin was a child. "Why? Why did she do it? Why did you let it happen? Why didn’t I stop? Why didn’t you stop her? Why did I hurt her? Why did she hurt me?" Not knowing who or what Kevin was talking about didn’t make Victor feel any better. All he could do was hold his son and let him cry. After about 20 minutes of the endless questions, Kevin finally fell asleep. Not wanting to disturb him, Victor sat there, his mind racing from all the unanswered questions. Chapter 16
For the second time since she’d reached the hotel, she filled the tub with steaming water and soaked her body. Her mind wandered to the events of the last 48 hours. If someone had asked her last week if she’d ever thought Kevin would ever touch her again, she would have laughed until she cried. Literally. She smiled. It was a start. Then her thoughts went to the rest of the day’s events. The first thing she was going to get him to do was really tear that house down. It held too many memories. Too much pain. She began to cry thinking about the look on his face when he’d realized what he’d done to her. What he’d gone through. Again. She wondered if it would ever end for him. She opened her eyes and sat up. Going to sleep in the bathtub was one of those things you read about in the newspaper. Drowning. Almost laughing at her own thoughts, she stood up and wrapped a towel around her body. As she exited the bathroom, she eyed the phone, wondering if she should make the first move. This time she did smile. She had made the first move. As much as she was worried about him, she couldn’t shake the memory of making love to him in front of the fire. She didn’t want to. She wanted to relive it over and over in her mind. It had been the happiest hours of her life since he’d walked out of the church. And she wasn’t going to give him up again. Not to Eve, and not to the ghosts running around in his head. The phone rang and she almost knocked it off the nightstand to grab it. "Lucy?" She couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice. "Hi, Gail." "I thought I’d call and see how you’re feeling." Stretching across the bed with the phone in her hand, Lucy sighed. "I’m sore. My joints seem to forget how to move if I stay still too long." "Not staying still has never been a problem for you before." Gail was trying to keep the conversation light, and Lucy appreciated it. "I know. But today, all I feel like I can do is lie down." "That’s understandable. You’ve had a rough couple of days." "Have you..." Lucy didn’t know if she should ask or not. "Heard from Kevin, right? Well, no. I haven’t. He’s next on my list of calls." Lucy wondered what that meant. "Lucy?" "Yes?" "I’d really like to see you again. Just to follow up." "Gail, I’m fine. Really. I just want to know he’s all right." "Lucy...." Sitting up, she looked at the clock. "All right. Fine. I’ll come see you. How about tomorrow?" "How about this afternoon? I have an opening at 5." The clock said 12PM. Sighing, she nodded, not realizing she was nodding to the phone. "Okay. 5. I’ll be there. I promise. Okay?" "I’ll see you then.Good-" "Gail?" "Yes?" Her fear was evident in the way her voice shook. "Should I... I mean, I don’t know if... I.. I’m afraid..., but I’m..he said he’d call me.... I don’t know..... I can....If-." "Lucy, are you asking me if you should call him?" "Yes." It was more of a whisper than a statement. "I can’t answer that. I haven’t talked to him myself. I’m going to call him now. But I can’t tell you what he says." "You can tell him what I say, right? I mean, if it’s okay." "Yes." Gail wasn’t sure what Lucy was talking about. "Tell him I love him. Please. I don’t want him to worry about me." "If I talk to him, I’ll tell him. I’ll see you at 5." Gail knew someone had to worry about Lucy. Lucy stared at the phone for another 30 minutes, trying to make up her mind. Finally, she stood. "This is ridiculous. I never have this much trouble making up my mind. Why does Kevin have this effect on me? Because he’s my Doc, that’s why. I love him, he loves me, and right now he needs help. And I’m going to be the one to give it to him, Siggy. I’m going to see him. He said Eve knew what happened. So, I have every right to go see him." Picking up Sigmund, she hugged him to her and smiled. "Because I love him. That’s why. If this is what love is like, I’d almost rather have the flu." Chapter 17
She breathed a sigh of relief at the fact that Eve’s car was not in the driveway. At least she didn’t have that to worry about. Hopefully, Eve would not be back anytime soon. A smile crossed her face when the thought that Eve wouldn’t be back at all crossed her mind. Maybe. Eve knew Kevin had slept with her, maybe that was too much to ask Eve to deal with. Standing at the door, the last of her courage fled, and she was just staring at the door when it opened to reveal Victor. "Oh, Lucy! Am I glad you’re here. I didn’t know what to do." "About what?" She was instantly worried. Grabbing her arm, he pulled her inside. "Look? What do you think?" Tears filled her eyes as she surveyed the destruction to the living room. "Kevin?" Victor nodded. "It was like this when I came home last night. He was sitting on the floor, in the dark. He won’t tell me what happened. He just keeps saying he- oh Lucy, your face! What happened?" "In a minute, Victor. Tell me what happened here. How is he now?" Victor shook his head. "I don’t know. He’s locked in the bedroom and he won’t come out. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he’ll barely answer me. It was that house, wasn’t it." Lucy stared at him for a moment, trying to decide how much to tell him. Finally she took a deep breath and started. "It was the best and the worst. We connected. Victor, we connected better then I ever hoped we would again. But he had… some kind of flashback. I’m not sure, really. I mean, he wasn’t really with me, he was back there. Screaming, yelling, I really don’t know what else to tell you." "He said he hurt you." "I’m fine." Taking her arm gently, Victor looked her in the eyes. "Lucy, you know how I feel about both of you. I need to know what happened." Sitting down at the table, Lucy began to tell him what happened. "Did Kevin ever tell you about that night on Jasmine Island? All of it?" Victor nodded. "It was different. Then he was afraid, this time he was so angry. I’ve never seen him so angry, and believe me, I’ve seen him mad before. He kept screaming at me.... no, that’s not right. It wasn’t at me. He didn’t know it was me. I think. I think he was screaming at his mother, maybe.... maybe Ryan. I don’t know. But it wasn’t him. Kevin, I mean. He didn’t act like he even knew where he was. No, that’s not right either. When. That’s it. When he was. He didn’t know." Victor looked at her and took her hand. "Kevin told me you were the reason he made it through the last time. Can you put yourself in this position again?" "Yes. It was my fault this started again. If I hadn’t gone-" "Nonsense, Lucy. If it hadn’t been now it would have been later. And if it were going to happen again, I’m glad you were with him. I know I have no right to ask you to help him, but-" "What do you mean? No one has asked me. I’m here. For him, but as much for him, as myself. I love him, Victor. I want him back in my life so badly, you just can’t imagine-" "Lucy, I want you back in our lives. I’m convinced Kevin does, too. He just didn’t know it. But now, I don’t know what to do." Standing, she headed for the stairs. "I’m going to talk to him." "I hope you get farther then I did." Standing outside his bedroom door, Lucy knocked softly. "Kevin?" No answer. Kevin stared at the door as if he were afraid she was going to break it down. "Kevin? I know you’re in there. I’m not leaving until I see you and I know you’re okay." She tried to door. Locked. "Kevin, listen to me. Please. I love you. I’m not leaving you. I need to know you’re okay. Please." She struggled to not become completely hysterical. "Lucy, I’m here. I need to be alone. Please go." Standing on the other side of the door, he tried to control the shaking in his voice. The last thing he wanted to do was scare her again. "No, I’m not leaving. I saw what happened. You’re hurting so much. Please let me help you." "I can’t trust myself with you." Tears slid down his face. "I trust you. Doc, please. Please let me in." Crying harder, she slid to the floor, sitting up against the door. "Don’t shut me out. Please." "You don’t understand, Lucy." "Then tell me. I can’t understand if you don’t tell me what’s going on. Just open the door and talk to me." "No. I can’t. I don’t want to...." "To what? See me? Deal with what happened? You were the one who said we had to deal with it." Suddenly an thought came to her. "What are you hiding from, Kevin? Me? Or the way you feel about me? Is that it? You won’t see me because you made love to me? You regret it, don’t you." Now she did begin to cry. The thought that he’d regretted what happened hadn’t occurred to her until then. That thought hadn’t occurred to Kevin at all. "No. Lucy, I’ll never regret making love to you. I’ve never regretted any of the times I’ve made love to you." It was killing him to hurt her like this, but he couldn’t risk what he might do to her. He sat next to the sound of her voice on the other side of the door and closed his eyes, wishing he could take her in his arms and make love to her again. "I love you. You know that." He began to cry. "I’ve told you again and again how I feel. I need to be alone. Please understand that. It’s because I love you. Why can’t you see that?" "I’m not afraid of you. Please don’t be afraid of yourself. Doc, please." Sobbing, she leaned her head against the door and put her hand to it. Knowing he was inches from her, but wouldn’t see her broke her heart. >From the other side of the door, she could hear him crying. "I can’t. Lucy, I’ll completely lose myself if I ever hurt you again. Don’t you see that? I love you, I can’t live with what I’ve done to you." "It wasn’t you. If I can see that, why can’t you? It wasn’t you. It was memories, things in your head, hurting you. You’re not like that. You’re my Doc, and you’re the most caring, loving person I’ve ever met. Please open the door." "Not today. Not now. I promise I’ll see you again. Just not today. Okay? I promise." Placing his hand almost exactly opposite hers, he closed his eyes, hoping she would go away and leave him with his thoughts. They sat like that, on either side of the door, for almost an hour. Lucy believed that he would see her when he was ready, but she wasn’t ready to leave. Being a few inches from him made her feel better. He still loved her, and as long as he did, she would stand beside him. No matter what. Finally she stood, once again wincing at the protests from her joints. "I’m going. But I’m not leaving you. I love you, Doc, and WE"LL get through this. Do you hear me? WE. I’ll be back." When he heard the front door shut, he went to the window, just out of sight in it. Watching her leave tore a hole in him. He had to fight the urge to call her back to him. She’d come. No matter what he did to her, she’d come. He stood there, looking out the window, long after her car disappeared. Chapter 18
"Gail, I really need to see you." "When? I have a few openings today. How about 6?" She realized, too late, that her 5 o’clock was Lucy, and wondered if them running into each other would be a good idea. "Fine. I’ll see you at 6." Hanging up the phone, he remembered he’d destroyed the one downstairs. Along with almost everything else. It was time for him to go see what else he’d done. Victor was still sitting at the table when Kevin came downstairs. "Monk! I’m so glad you finally came down. Lucy said you’d spoken to her, but.." "I’m better than I was last night. I came down to see what..." He realized that the room had been cleaned. "You didn’t have to do this." "Yes, I did. It’s about time I start dealing with the consequences of my actions." "Your actions?" Kevin stared at him. "This was hardly you actions. I was alone here, remember?" "I remember you’ve been alone. Alone with this for way too long. You’re not going into this by yourself this time, Monk. I promise you that. I made a promise to myself last night. I won’t let you do this alone." Kevin looked at Victor. "You did what you-" "I did what I could. It wasn’t enough. Look how things turned out. I can’t hide behind that anymore. You need to deal with this. So do I." Tears came to Kevin’s eyes and he hugged his father. "I knew what I did to Ryan. I never had any idea what I did to you." "You saved me, Victor." "Did I?" Victor took Kevin’s face in his hands for the first time in 20 years and looked into his eyes. "I thought I did. But now I know I didn’t. I left you alone to deal with what I did. Or didn’t do." "Don’t do this to yourself, Victor. You did what you thought was right." Kevin pulled away, but not very far. "I know. I also know I was wrong. You were a child, and I expected you to deal with an adult situation. A sad, sick adult situation. A situation I played a part in." "It wasn’t you. It was her." "Monk, I played my part. I chose to ignore the signs. I chose to run when I should have stayed and fought. I left you to fight this for way too many years." "I didn’t. I took it out on the people I care about. First Felicia, then Lucy. I’ve taken out my anger and frustrations on her so many times. God knows that woman should take off running every time she sees me by now. I have no idea why she doesn’t." Victor almost smiled. "Because she loves you. I think she understands better than you give her credit for. She seems to know exactly what you’re going through. Better than I do." Stopping, Kevin stared at Victor for a moment. He was right. Lucy did know exactly what he was going through. Her outburst in Gail’s office came to his mind. How old had she been? Who had it been? Maybe she knew too well. As much as he felt it might hurt her, he knew at some point he would ask her. "What’s on your calendar today?" Shaking his head to clear it, Kevin looked around the living room. "Well, I was going to clean up the mess, but thanks to you, I don’t have to. I guess the next job I have is to start cleaning up the mess in my head. I see Gail at 6." "So we have time for a cup of tea and maybe a sandwich?" Kevin gave him a thin smile. "Sound good. I don’t remember the last time I ate." Chapter 19
So when she looked up and saw Kevin exiting the elevator, she sighed. "Hi." "Hi." They stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. "I’m really busy right now, if you want to talk, can we meet for my break?" "Talk to you?" He looked confused. "Did... Oh." Her face flushed with embarrassment. She’d thought he’d come to talk to her. "I’m meeting..." He really didn’t want to get into it in public. There were several people sitting in the lounge. Immediately Eve thought he meant Lucy. "She should be almost done." Kevin, who thought she was talking about Gail, nodded. "I’ll wait over here." "You do that." Her tone was sharper than she meant it to, and Kevin looked at her. "Eve, I know this isn’t exactly-" "Leave it alone, Kevin. Just leave it alone." Trying to get away from the entire scene, she walked around the counter and him and started down the hall. "Eve, can we-" "No, Kevin. We can’t. I have things to do. I really don’t want to discuss this." Turning from him, she found herself running right into Lucy. Both women stared at each other for a moment. Gail came out in time to hear Eve almost scream at Lucy. "You want him? You can have him. He’s all yours." Lucy was startled, but she quickly recovered. "It’s not exactly like that, but thanks." Her eyes flashed angrily at Eve until she realized Kevin was standing right behind her. Lucy’s response infuriated Eve. "You really are a work of art, Lucy. You know that? I’ve never met anyone who had such little self-respect. You want to throw yourself at a man, go for it. I don’t care anymore. You think because you can sleaze your way into his bed, you-" "That’s enough, Eve." Kevin’s voice was low, and Lucy didn’t like the look in his eyes. Eve was too hurt and embarrassed to notice or care. "No, it’s not enough. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of the men in this town acting like they don’t have a brain in their heads where she’s concerned. I have every right to tell her what I think of her. And you, for that matter, Kevin." Stepping closer, Kevin stared at her. "Let it go. Not here. Not now." He clenched his fists in anger. Lucy stepped closer, knowing Eve had no idea what she was walking into. For Eve, there was no stopping now. Too much was going through her mind. "Why not? I really didn’t want everyone to find out like this, but you’re the one who shows up here to meet her, right after you tell me you’re not seeing her right now. If my feelings mean that little to you, why should either of your feelings matter to me? You couldn’t even be honest with me. If you were trying to hide it, there were better ways." "Why would you think I’m here to meet her? I had no idea she was here. You always think you know everything. You want to know every move I make, and then you tell me what I did anyway. You ever stop to think long enough to realize how you sound? You act like every move I’ve made has been to get back in her bed. Maybe that’s not-" "Kevin." Lucy realized he was losing control. This definitely not a conversation he would want to have in public. She wasn’t crazy about the thought either. He stopped to glare at her. She took the chance to look at Eve. "Don’t fight with him right now. You really don’t want to." "Do you ever shut up?" Kevin glared at Lucy. Eve could tell from her face how much that remark hurt, but, to her credit, Lucy held her ground and stared into his eyes. "I don’t want to have this conversation here. Neither do you. Doc, trust me on this-" Her voice was quiet and shaking. "Oh, yeah. Trust you. That’s a good one, Lucy." He was so angry he was shaking. That did it. Tears slid down her face, but she still didn’t turn away. "I’m not going to fight with you. I know you don’t trust me. There’s nothing I can do about it." "You’re right. There isn’t. So stop telling me to trust you. I did, and look where it got us." Almost screaming, he stepped towards her. Finally stepping back, a brief look of fear crossed her face, but she tried to hide it. This time she didn’t answer him. "Kevin." Gail’s voice startled all three of them. "Would you like to come in here? Please?" Kevin and Lucy had told her what happened, but hearing about it hadn’t compared to what Gail was witnessing now. She was convinced that Lucy was about one word away from Kevin hurting her again. And that scared her. Without another word, Kevin followed Gail into her office.
Eve’s face wore an expression of total shock. For a moment, she thought Kevin was going to hit Lucy. And Lucy knew it. When she felt Lucy’s hand on her arm, she was too shocked to pull away. "We need to talk. Now." Lucy led Eve to Kevin’s office and shut the door. Lucy was still trying to figure out what to say when Eve finally broke the silence. "He really did it, didn’t he. You’re face. He told me he did, but it wasn’t... It didn’t seem...." "Real." "Yeah. It didn’t seem real to me. I couldn’t imagine... And just now, he..." Now Eve struggled not to cry. "He looked like he was about to do it again." "I know." She shrugged. "That’s why I tried to tell you not to fight with him. I need to talk to you." "Look, I really don’t want to hear this. I know you slept with him. That’s about all I need to know." She seemed to remember how much she hated Lucy. "Believe me, this is not really what I want to do. It would be so easy to just walk out of here and let you think he doesn’t care." Now Lucy looked as if she were going to cry. "But he does. He’s angry right now. But he cares. He wasn’t here to meet me. I didn’t know he was coming. I don’t think he knew I was here. Eve, I don’t know where either of us stand with him right now. I just couldn’t let you think he... Let’s just say I know how much it hurts when he says thing like that. He doesn’t mean it. He’s angry and he’s hurting." Knowing how hard this was for her, Eve calmed down a little. It suddenly struck her that Lucy had intervened between her and Kevin for a reason other than to serve her own purpose. "What are you going to do? About what he did, I mean." "He didn’t mean it. That’s all I’m going to say. I understand him." She shook her head. "I didn’t say that to sound mean." "I know." Eve was suprised to find that she did know. The way Lucy was acting at that moment reminded her of the way she’d been in the beginning. When they’d actually been friends. Knowing she would cry if she stood there another moment, she backed towards the door. "Look, Lucy, I appreciate you telling me this. I know it’s not any easier for you than it is for me." "We both care about him. I know that." It was a strange moment for both women, and they both left wondering what had just happened between them. They’d almost behaved like friends. Chapter 20
Finally, he seemed to calm down enough to look at her. "I lost control again. I felt it happening and I couldn’t stop it." "What are you thinking when it happens?" Gail watched him carefully. "I’m not. I’m just angry. It’s as if I want someone to fight with me." Sitting down, he put his face in is hands. "Eve almost did. God, Gail, I came so close to hitting Lucy. Because she said my name. How’s that for a good reason?" "I saw the look on her face. Lucy knew what she was doing." Kevin thought about that for a moment. "Lucy got in the middle. She always does." "That’s right, Kevin. She got in the middle." Realization crossed his face. "She stopped Eve from saying anything else. She knew I would..... I almost.... She knew, didn’t she." Gail nodded. "I think she did." "Why would she put herself in that position with me? I tried to warn her to stay away from me. Now maybe she believes me. I know you can’t tell me what she tells you, but I’m worried about her." Gail shrugged. "She told me I could tell you anything that happened. But nothing happened. To be honest, I’ve heard Lucy say more in one sentence that she said in the last hour. You’re both so worried about each other.... We really need to deal with your anger, Kevin. I didn’t want to believe you when you said you might be dangerous, but I just saw you. I think you may be right." "So what do I do? I don’t want to hurt either of them. I think Eve will stay away from me now. But Lucy made it clear today she has no intention of giving up on me." "I did get that much from her. How do you feel about that? Aside from being afraid of what you could do to her, how do you feel about her confidence in you?" "I wonder what I did to deserve it. After everything I’ve done to her." "Is she right? Do you really want to fight this?" "Yes. I need to figure out why I can’t get this out of my head. I don’t want to live the rest of my life hurting the people I love, or being afraid I will." Gail smiled. "I knew it. I just wanted to hear you say it. Let’s get started." Chapter 21
She opened the door and was shocked beyond words to find Scott standing at the door, smiling. "Hi, gorgeous, I..." His jaw literally dropped when he saw her face. "Oh, my God. Gail told me you’d totaled your car, but she said you weren’t hurt." "I’m okay. It’s sore, but a lot better than it was. I thought you weren’t coming back until next week." "After the storm we just had, and the fact that you wrecked your car, did you think I would stay away?" Her eyes met his for a moment, then she turned away from him. "I’m fine. You didn’t have to run back just for me." Scott had known her long enough to know she was avoiding something. "Lucy, what is it?" "How much did Gail tell you?" "She said you’d gone to the island and were stranded there when the storm hit. That you..." Gently, he pulled her by the arm to face him. "What are you afraid Gail told me?" "I... I.." Taking a deep breath, she stared him in the eyes. "I wasn’t alone on the island." "Well, who were you.." Her face told him everything. "How’d you manage that?" "The storm started, and he didn’t want me stranded there. He actually came to get me out of there. We both got stranded." Facing him was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. It wasn’t like she hadn’t told him how she felt before, but she knew he’d hoped... Taking her hands, he stared at them. "I guess I don’t have to ask you what happened, do I." Tears came to her eyes. "I love him, Scott. You know I do. I don’t want to hurt you, but I told you the truth from the start." "And you don’t do that very often, so I should be grateful, right?" Scott was angry, and, as always, his first instinct was to lash out. Two attacks on her honesty, or lack thereof, from the two people she cared the most about was too much for her. "Yes, Scott. I’m such a liar, I wonder why either of you give me the time of day. If I’m that bad, why do you put up with me?" She began to cry. Her reaction actually suprised him, and he tried to smooth things over. "Because I’m crazy about you. And it kills me to think you’d want to go back to him after what he did to you." "What did he do to me? He left me because I lied to him. And I did a horrible thing. If you remember, you had no intention of ever speaking to me again, either. You did your share of nasty things to me for that, too. I mean, you had every right, but don’t talk about the things he did. You both had every right to hate me." "Well, now I have one more, don’t I?" He didn’t want to do this, and he wondered why even as he said it. "I guess what goes around comes around. Me in Florida, Kevin on Jasmine Island. How long can you bounce back and forth between us like a-" He stopped himself before he said it, but it was too late. "Like a what, Scott? Like a whore?" Her eyes dared him, but she knew he was right. "You’re right, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I went from his bed to yours, and back to his. Does that make you feel better? I know what I am, you don’t have to remind me." The last three days came crashing down on her, and she began to scream. "You’ve known me long enough to know I can’t be trusted, and I-" "Stop it!" Scott grabbed her and pulled her to him. "I didn’t mean it. I know you love him. I know badly you wanted him back, and how hard you tried. I’m sorry." The way she cried on his shoulder almost scared him. Stroking her head, he spoke softly. "I didn’t mean it. I swear. I want you to be happy, Lucy. And if he’s what makes you happy, don’t expect me to jump for joy, but I knew all along that he was where you wanted to be. I’m suprised, that’s all. I never thought he’d ever forgive you for not being perfect. If all it took was a-" "He hasn’t forgiven me. I don’t know if he’s going to come back to me." Pulling away from him, she stared out the window. Once again, Scott was shocked. "He’d sleep with you, but he won’t forgive you? What’s he going to do?" "I don’t know." Now Scott was angry at Kevin. "You’re good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be with? Who does he think he is? He uses how you feel about him to get you to-" "Scott! It wasn’t like that. He does love me. He just can’t trust me. You know what that’s like." "Will you stop with the Lucy Coe’s a bad person routine? You’re not. I’m sorry I got you started on that. You’re wonderful, you’re beautiful, and if that schmuck doesn’t see that, he’s crazy. Oh, I forgot, he-" "Don’t." She put her finger on his lips. "I kinda think you’re wonderful, too, Pal. You know that." She smiled at him. "But am I beautiful?" Laughing, she hugged him. "Yes. Definitely. The most beautiful, wonderful Pal I could ever hope for." "Aww, Lucy. What am I going to do with you? Here I am, rich, powerful, cute, charming, exciting, everything you could ever want, and what do you do? You fall for a stuck up, self-centered, boring...." He was laughing, but she knew she’d hurt him. Putting her hands on either side of his face, she stared at him. "What did I ever do to deserve you for my bestest friend in the whole wide world?" "You were a wicked, wicked child." Kissing her head, he hugged her
to him again, not wanting to let go.
The next day, Lucy picked up the phone and slowly dialed Kevin’s number. She thought she would give him a break from her, but she at least wanted to know if he was any better. When Victor answered the phone, she was almost relieved. "It’s me. I just called to see how he is." "He’s better. I think. Nothing else is broken, so that’s a good sign. How are you?" "Much better. I actually got up and moved without having to work at it." She paused for a moment. "Did he tell you what happened yesterday?" Victor’s voice got quiet. "He told me he almost hit you. It terrified him, Lucy." "I had to do something. Eve wasn’t about to let up." "He told me. She’s not having an easy time either. I hate this whole situation. I wish Kevin had come to his senses earlier." Lucy smiled at that. She knew Victor had pushed Kevin to forgive her after the non- wedding. "He hasn’t really come to his senses, Victor. He still doesn’t trust me. I mean, he was angry when he yelled at me yesterday, but he really feels that way. That doesn’t mean I’m anywhere near giving up, I won’t this time. I thought he didn’t love me anymore. Now that I know he does, I’m not giving up." "You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. He really needs you now. I... I’m glad you called. Monk and I were worried about you." The change in his voice told her that Kevin must have walked in the room. The voices on the other end were muffled, but she heard a short, not quite heated exchange before Kevin’s voice came over the line. "Lucy?" "Doc. How are you?" "Oh, I don’t know. Having fits of rage I can’t control, almost hurting the woman I love again. You know." The sarcasm rang in her ears. "You didn’t. That’s what’s important." "I don’t hear you saying you knew I wouldn’t. Finally changed your mind about that?" "I’m still not afraid. And I still love you." He paused before continuing. "I love you, too. I... what I said, I.." "It’s okay. You have every right-" "No, it’s not. I didn’t mean it." "Yes, you did. You still can’t trust me. It’s okay. I’ll convince you sooner or later. I’ll work really hard at it, and you’ll realize how much I love you." She could tell he was smiling when he replied. "I know how much you love me. I want to learn to trust you again. I just wish I hadn’t-" "Forget it, okay? I want to see you tomorrow, is that okay?" "I’m not sure it’s a good idea, you know that." "I’ll try not to excite you this time." She consciously kept her tone light and laughed. That made him actually laugh. "Lucy Coe, all you have to do is walk in the room and I’m excited." He felt safer talking to her on the phone. He couldn’t hurt her if he lost control again. He could almost relax and enjoy the conversation. She could tell, and she didn’t want it to end. "I’m not in the room now." "Okay, all I have to do is hear your voice." "Does that mean all I am is a voice on the phone?" She smiled. "Oh, believe me, you are much more than that. I hate to cut this short. I really do. But I have to go see Gail." "Okay. I just wanted to check on you. If you can’t sleep tonight, call me. I’ll tell you a bedtime story." She felt good, and she wanted him to know. "I just might. I like your bedtime stories." He sounded like he was having a good time. "Bye." "Good-bye." They both hung up.
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