DISCLAIMER: I do not own 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and/or 'The Lord of the Rings'.
'LEGSY THE ORC SLAYER' [SLASH]
Chapter One
Scene: The Bronze. It is filled with the usual crowd. A beautiful blond Elf opens the door and enters. His long hair is a bit messy and there are a few smudges on his lovely face from having slain a gang of Orcs.
LEGSY (thinking to himself): I hope I'm not too late. Is he still here?
Aragorn the tall dark-haired mysterious stranger who a few days ago met Legsy for the first time is waiting for the beautiful blond Elf, the Chosen One. Suddenly a gorgeous brunette swoops over and drapes herself over Aragorn.
ARWENELIA: Hello, handsome. Buy me a drink? Or how about asking me to dance?
ARAGORN: Huh? Oh, hello. I'm waiting for someone.
ARWENELIA: You mean you WERE waiting for someone. Here I am, you lucky hunk, you!
Legsy sees Arwenelia clinging to Aragorn with her face a mere two inches from the handsome face of Aragorn. Legsy notices how sexy and alluring Arwenelia is looking this evening.
LEGSY (thinking to himself): I feel so ugly compared to her. I should just leave before Aragorn sees me.
But it is too late. Aragorn looks up and sees Legsy. He pries Arwenelia's hands off of himself and smiles apologetically to her.
ARAGORN: Legsy!
He rushes over to meet the Elf.
ARAGORN (thinking to himself): When will I work up the courage to tell him that I love him?
Chapter Two
VOICE OF GANDALF: Previously on Legsy the Org Slayer:
Scene: It is Legsy's first day at this school. He enters the school library. He sees an old man behind the counter.
LEGSY: Hello. Are you the librarian?
GANDALF: Yes, I am.
Gandalf's eyes widen when he sees Legsy.
LEGSY: I'm Legsy Greenleaf. It's my first day here, so I'm here to get the books I'll need for my classes.
GANDALF: Yes. Yes, indeed. I know exactly which book you'll need.
The librarian ducks down behind the counter, then comes back up holding a very thick ancient book. He places it on the counter. Legsy's eyes widen in horror when he reads the cover: ORCS
LEGSY: There's some mistake. That's not a book I'd need.
GANDALF: But you are the Chosen One. Legsy Greenleaf, right?
LEGSY (thinking to himself): I thought I could make a fresh start here by transferring to this school! Aagghh! Please, no more Orcs!
Jump to next scene.
Scene: School Library. Legsy, Gandalf and the rest of the 'Scooby gang' are meeting to discuss what evil they must face next.
GANDALF: According to the Wizards' Council someone is crossbreeding Orcs with Goblins to create a hybrid creature that can come out in the daylight and travel very, very quickly.
LEGSY: So much for only having to deal with fighting Orcs at night.
Jump to next scene.
Scene: Hallway in the school.
PRINCIPAL WORMTONGUE: You're trouble, Legsy Greenleaf. I can smell trouble a mile away, and I know it's only a matter of time before you'll do something that'll give me a good reason to expel you from this school.
LEGSY: I don't know what you're talking about, Principal Wormtongue. I'm just a regular student here to get an education.
PRINCIPAL WORMTONGUE: Don't put on this innocent act with me. I've got my eye on you.
Chapter Three
ARWENELIA: I wish Legsy Greenleaf had stayed in Mirkwood and had never moved here to this town!
EOWYN (who is really a vengeance demon): Done!
Everything is changed, as Arwenelia learns over the course of the day. People are wearing clothes that are drab in color, the parking lot at the high school is empty, she has no car, and there is an early curfew for everyone. What shocks her most is when she is told by one of her classmates that Frodo and Sam are 'gone'.
Now, in this world created as a result of Arwenelia's wish, Saruman has found a way to turn good innocent Hobbits into his evil minions. Arwenelia is about to meet two of them.
It is still Arwenelia's first day in this world created as a result of her wish. The sun has already set hours ago. She is terrified because earlier right after the sun had set she was chased by Orcs. She runs, then screams when she is stopped by a short figure who suddenly comes in front of her and grabs her. When she sees who it is, she stops screaming and breathes a sigh of relief.
ARWENELIA: Sam! Thank goodness! I heard you were gone!
SAMWISE: Gone? Do I look like I'm gone?
ARWENELIA: Sam, what's happened? Everything is so different! It's weird.
FRODO (slowly approaching): Oh, pooh. It's no fun when they're not screaming.
ARWENELIA (eyes wide when she sees Frodo): Frodo? Wow. That's a whole new look on you.
Frodo is no longer wearing his usual country gentleman garments. He is dressed in a sexy hot black leather jacket and black pants. His demeanor has changed, too.
Sam puts his arm around Frodo's shoulder. Frodo rests his head on Sam's shoulder.
ARWENELIA: What's this? I wish us into Bizarro-world and you two are STILL together? I can't win!
SAMWISE: You got that right.
Samwise instantly changes into a scary looking Demon-Hobbit with fangs. Arwenelia screams, turns and runs.
FRODO (smiling): Now that's more like it.
Samwise chases Arwenelia, easily catches up with her, knocks her down to the ground where she falls, hits her head on the street and is rendered unconscious. Sam is about to sink his fangs into her when suddenly a van pulls up. The doors open and out come Boromir wielding a sword and Gimli wielding an ax.
BOROMIR: Get away from her!
SAMWISE: Damn!
Samwise and Frodo scowl, turn and run away into the night.
Boromir and Gimli quickly scoop up Arwenelia and carry her into the back of the van. They get back inside and the van takes off. Gandalf is behind the steering wheel.
Scene: Gandalf's home. Arwenelia is awake and sees Gandalf.
ARWENELIA: Gandalf! Thank goodness you're here! Wait a second! If you're here, then where is Legsy? He should be here, too! He's the Slayer! And you're his Wizard!
GANDALF (stunned): How on earth do you know about that?
ARWENELIA: All right, I admit it! I made a wish! It was stupid, but at the time it didn't seem stupid! I made a wish, that new girl in school granted it somehow, and now everything is different! I wish I had never made that wish! Things were better before! Sure, it wasn't perfect, but people were happy!
GANDALF: Let's go to the school library where I can do some research on this.
Scene jumps to the school library.
Samwise and Frodo suddenly appear. Samwise pushes Gandalf into the caged room and locks the door. Then he and Frodo kill Arwenelia while Gandalf helplessly watches in horror. The two evil Demon-Hobbits snicker, toss Arwenelia's lifeless body to the floor as if it was an empty snack container, then turn and saunter out of the library.
Scene jumps back to Gandalf's home. Boromir and Gimli had found Gandalf, freed him from the caged room and helped transport the dead body of Arwenelia back to Gandalf's home.
BOROMIR: So the world today sucks because this dead chick made a stupid wish?
GANDALF: It would appear so. She said that Legsy was supposed to be here. That would be the Slayer. I'll have to make some phone calls to see about getting him here.
Scene jumps to the Bronze. It is no longer a nightclub filled with happy customers dancing and drinking. It has been taken over by Orcs and Saruman.
SARUMAN: You two are my best minions.
Samwise and Frodo smile at his approval.
FRODO: Can I play with the puppy now?
SARUMAN: Very well.
Saruman hands him a key.
FRODO: Oh, goodie!
Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. We see a large caged room. A silhouette of a figure lying on the floor of the cage slowly moves when he hears Frodo approaching.
FRODO: Oh, puppy! Hello, puppy! Your sweet loving Frodo is here to play with you!
We can now see who is in the cage. It is Aragorn. He is naked from the waist up, and he is chained to the wall. He is not happy to see who his visitor is.
Frodo uses the key that Saruman gave him to open the cage door. He smiles as he walks closer to Aragorn. Frodo carries something behind his back that he does not allow Aragorn to see just yet.
FRODO: We're going to have fun, aren't we, puppy?
Aragorn glares at the evil Demon-Hobbit, for he has a pretty good idea what is in store for him. Frodo now shows Aragorn what it is he was carrying behind his back.
ARAGORN (thinking to himself): NO!
Scene jumps to the dark streets where we see Gandalf's van. The Wizard, Boromir and Gimli are in the middle of rescuing some civilians from Orcs when they are jumped by more Orcs. The Wizard and his friends are about to be defeated when suddenly arrows come flying, hit the Orcs who then scream and disappear into clouds of dust. Gandalf looks up in surprise and sees a tall blond Elf.
LEGSY: You called for a Slayer?
Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. Legsy enters. He is searching for clues on finding Saruman and the Orcs. The Elf sees a dark silhouette lying in the large caged room.
ARAGORN: Legsy!
Legsy is surprised to hear his name called out like that.
LEGSY: Do I know you?
ARAGORN: No, but I know of you. Let me out of here, please.
LEGSY: Why should I? You must be locked up in there for a reason.
ARAGORN: It's not a good reason. Please, Legsy. I can help you find Saruman! I know where he is! Believe me, you and I are on the same side!
LEGSY: Why should I believe you?
ARAGORN: Would you believe what he did to me? Look over there! See that box?
Legsy sees a box on the floor of the cage. He reads aloud the words on the front of the box.
LEGSY: 'Bow-Wow Bitz'?
ARAGORN: Frickin' dog biscuits! Saruman let that Demon-Hobbit Frodo force-feed me dog biscuits! The whole frickin' boxful! That is one sick twisted Demon-Hobbit! You should have heard him cooing and whispering to me to be a good puppy and eat my biscuits! Gah!!!
Legsy stares at Aragorn and shakes his head in pity.
LEGSY: Dude, I gotta get you out of here.
The Elf frees Aragorn from the cage. They rush up the stairs.
LEGSY: So where is Saruman?
Chapter Four
Scene: The basement of the Bronze. Legsy has just finished freeing Aragorn and they are running up the stairs.
LEGSY: So where is Saruman?
ARAGORN: He and the Orcs are on the other side of town in a warehouse that they've turned into a factory. I heard them talking about it. Legsy, Saruman has big plans for this factory.
LEGSY: What kind of plans?
ARAGORN: The kind that will make your blood run cold just thinking about it. The people living here in town are doomed unless we stop him!
LEGSY: Details, man. Give me details.
ARAGORN: It'll be easier if I just show you. Let's go.
Scene jumps to Gandalf's home. He is peering at a beautiful necklace and comparing it to an illustration in one of his many books on ancient magic.
GANDALF (thinking to himself): It's a good thing I had the sense to take this necklace from the dead body of Arwenelia before Boromir and Gimli cremated her. This necklace may hold the key to saving all of us.
The Wizard recites a spell from the book. The necklace glows. Then from the corner of the room a figure appears as if from nowhere. It is Eowyn and her face is that of her true demon self.
EOWYN: How dare you use my necklace to summon me? Do you have any idea of the consequences of a male summoning a vengeance demon?
GANDALF: I had no choice. You're the only one who can change things back to the way it's all supposed to be. This is all your doing, isn't it?
EOWYN: Yes! I had no idea of the magnitude of the changes caused by that girl's wish. I love it! What makes you think I'm going to help you change it back?
GANDALF: You have no right to do this! I demand you reverse that wish!
EOWYN: No! And you are in no position to make demands on me! Give me back my necklace!
Scene jumps to the other side of town where the factory is. Aragorn and Legsy sneak inside. They see many innocent captives, including Gandalf's friends Boromir and Gimli who were swept up in a recent capture by the Orcs.
ARAGORN (whispering to Legsy): Legsy, if we both make it out of here alive after this is over, what say we catch a dinner and a show, and then head on over to my place? You're one hot-looking Slayer.
LEGSY (whispering back to Aragorn): In your dreams, dude.
ARAGORN (whispering to Legsy): I can't help thinking that in another time and place your answer would be more along the lines of, "I thought you'd never ask!" Or even better, "Let's skip dinner and the show and just go straight over to your place where you can shag me rotten!"
LEGSY (staring in disbelief, then whispering back to Aragorn): Are we here to stop Saruman or talk about your pervy desires for Elf muffin?
ARAGORN (whispering back to Legsy): All right, all right. But just try to keep an open mind, okay? I'm not a bad-looking dude, am I? Look at me. I'm tall, rugged, muscular, and my face is pleasing to look upon, right?
LEGSY (really annoyed now, whispering back to Aragorn): Can we table this discussion for later?
ARAGORN (whispering back to Legsy): Okay. (pauses) How much later?
LEGSY (rolling his eyes, then whispering back to Aragorn): Gah! All right, already! I'll go out with you! Now will you please work with me on a plan to stop Saruman?
ARAGORN (grinning): Yes! I knew you couldn't resist me!
Scene jumps back to Gandalf's home.
EOWYN: I said give me back my necklace!
GANDALF: Neener-neener-neener! Can't catch me!
The vengeance demon frantically chases the Wizard around the room as he taunts her and keeps the necklace out of her reach.
EOWYN: You are really pissing me off, old man! Don't make me do something you'll regret!
Scene jumps back to the factory where the presence of Aragorn and Legsy has been discovered by Saruman and his minions. All hell breaks loose as the battle ensues between good and evil.
SARUMAN: Get them! Kill them all!
We see the battle in slow motion. Innocent people scream, run and fight as best as they can against Saruman's minions. Aragorn, Legsy, Boromir and Gimli are the main warriors against Saruman and the evil Demon-Hobbits Frodo and Samwise. We see also Merry and Pippin who were turned into evil Demon-Hobbits.
BOROMIR (thinking to himself): Hard to believe those Hobbits were once our friends and that we shared many good times together. Now we may have to kill them. Can I bring myself to strike the fatal blow? Dear Merry! Dear Pippin! OUCH! That hurt! All right, take THAT, you frickin' Hobbit!
Together Boromir and Gimli grab Frodo and throw him against the wall where a large sharp piece of broken wood impales the Demon-Hobbit. Frodo turns into a cloud of dust.
Aragorn receives a fatal wound: a long wooden stake driven through his heart.
ARAGORN (gasping his final breath): LEGSY!
But the Slayer is unaware of Aragorn's demise. He is busy fighting for his own life.
Saruman pushes aside Orcs and people as he moves with determination toward the Slayer. He reaches Legsy, grabs him from behind and with one quick movement, snaps the Elf's neck, thus ending the life of the Slayer.
Scene jumps back to Gandalf's home.
EOWYN (out of breath from chasing the Wizard): You fool! What makes you think the world will be any better than the way it is now if you break my necklace?
GANDALF: Because it HAS to be!
He smashes the necklace with a heavy figurine.
EOWYN: NO!!!!
Everything changes back to the way it was right before Arwenelia made her wish.
ARWENELIA: I wish Legsy Greenleaf had stayed in Mirkwood and had never moved here to this town!
EOWYN (who is no longer a vengeance demon, but doesn't realize it yet): Done!
Nothing changes. Eowyn is puzzled.
ARWENELIA: No. I wish Legsy Greenleaf had never been born!
EOWYN: Done!
Still nothing changes.
Arwenelia walks away thinking out loud what else she'd wish for. Eowyn slowly realizes that her powers are gone and she is now an ordinary high school girl.
We see a group of happy students sitting together and laughing: Legsy, Frodo and Samwise - the best of friends.
THE END