AUTHOR: Sally
SUMMARY: Seventh season Chakotay wonders over his lot in life
RATING: PG for language
DISCLOSURE: Tell me what it takes to let you go, tell me how the pain’s supposed to go. The song is Aerosmith’s, the characters are Paramount’s but the writing is mine. Enough said!
Another shift over. I acknowledge Tuvok who will take over from me and head towards the ready room, to remind the captain that the shift is over for her as well, and to attempt to persuade Kathryn to join me for dinner.
I used to enjoy this ritual. Sometimes she would say yes to the meal, while other times she would smile sadly and say that maybe in an hour or two she would join me. That used to be enough for me. But now, now I’ve almost come to detest the idea. I do it now out of a sense of duty, because she has come to expect it of me. And then I ask myself, why do I still do it?
I know the answer of course and it no longer fills me with the joy it once did. It has become a curse to love Kathryn Janeway. One I am seemingly destined never to escape. Not while we’re in the Delta Quadrant anyway. It used to be a blessing to me, being stuck out here, far away from Starfleet and the Federation and their form of justice. But being stuck here, facing Kathryn everyday… I think I’d rather face whatever punishment they would have to offer me. For there is nothing for me here.
I’ve said these words before. Same feeling, different quadrant. All I wanted in life was to settle down, raise a family. Still at a rebellious stage of my life I decided I didn’t want to do that on the planet I was raised on so I decided to make that future on Earth. When my father died I left Starfleet and returned to the planet of my birth. I thought maybe after my time with the Maquis I could build my home there. When we found ourselves stranded out here I thought maybe, just maybe, I could still have my dream happen.
The irony is that I’ve found myself watching the likes of womanising Tom Paris settle down, while I am still single, and trapped in a one-way relationship.
Sometimes I get the foolish idea that she might change her mind. I thought maybe when Tom and B’Elanna got married. I thought maybe when we found out that B’Elanna was pregnant. Hell, I even thought maybe when she returned from that planet that the crew were taken to and forced to work on. I was wrong each time.
There have been instances when I could have forced the issue. Hell, it might have even been possible to change the past seven years. It was certainly strange to wander around a ship splintered into different time frames with a captain who still thinks of you as a complete criminal and therefore the enemy. But when she asked me that question at the end, “How close do we get?” I was so tempted to lie on the off-chance that she might just remember afterward. But I didn’t. I do like to consider myself as honourable still.
Then there was the time when she had lost her memories of her time aboard Voyager, on that planet being forced into labour. How I wished I had been taken as well so that it might have been me in Jaffen’s place. I could have lied to her then, when I revealed my true face to her. Instead of telling her we were best friends I could have told her we were lovers. But I couldn’t stand the guilt she might face, or her wrath once her memories were returned, knowing that I had lied.
Why do I do it? Why do I keep putting myself through this eternal damnation? The truth is that I really don’t know. Somewhere along the way the former enemy became my captain, then my friend and then my best friend and the feelings I had towards her changed from a deep admiration to those of love. And then somehow that beautiful feeling turned ugly as she continued to remain alone. As a captain I can understand how she may feel she has to remain apart from the rest of the crew, but this is not a position where you can go home at the end of the day or tour, to pick up with your personal life. At those moments where I am more concerned for Kathryn than for myself I wish that she would go to anyone aboard this vessel, even if it isn’t me. But so far she has only had a hologram to keep her company, a man she could manipulate to her every wish. It is foolish for me to be jealous of someone who isn’t real. Who isn’t real, damn it!
So tell me, tell me what it takes to let her go? To move on with my own life. To get rid of this nagging pain that has begun to persist. For although I must attend to her wishes while I am on duty, off-duty I have my own life to lead. I could still have my dream of a wife and family, but in my dreams I see only red headed children with my eyes, and a wife with a temperament to match hers. I could create a holodeck program with her and a family, but I could not do that. It would not be real, just as Michael isn’t real. So what the hell am I to do? The logical thing, as Tuvok might say, would be to find someone else. But here on Voyager options are limited, and half the women think I’m the captain’s personal property anyway. Which if it were true, maybe wouldn’t sound as bad as it does.
The door to the ready room slides open and she sits there at her desk. Looking up at me she smiles and I am caught yet again.
“Hello, Chakotay,” she says brightly and I thank the spirits that it sounds like she’s had a good day. “What can I do for you?”
I take my usual seat and lean across the desk at her. “I’ve come to remind the captain that her duty shift is over.”
She laughs. “I know it is, Commander, I was just finishing off a few things. I need to get out of here.”
This is unusual. Some nights its like she has to be led kicking and screaming out of that ready room of hers. “Oh?” I inquire politely. “Got plans?”
She looks at me for a split second as if I’ve said something terribly wrong. “I thought I did,” she says quietly. “I thought I would be celebrating my best friend’s birthday with him.”
My birthday. Another year older, another year gone by without my dream happening. For five years we celebrated together. “We didn’t last year,” I point out.
“I know,” she says as she stands up and comes around to my side of the desk. “It was just bad timing. I’m sorry.”
Bad timing? Well, I suppose it was, recovering from the massive attack by the K’randi. But still, she chose to be the captain that night instead of Kathryn and I guess it did hurt me. We didn’t see much of each other off-duty after that, not until the night the temporal anomaly occurred. But then I’d gone on that away mission and she found herself living with Jaffen. One step forward, two steps back.
“Chakotay,” she whispers, placing her hand on my shoulder. “I want to celebrate my friend’s birthday. Is that all right?”
I should say no but I can’t. The murmured words, the touch. We are one step forward again yet I fear the two steps back will come soon. But in the meantime I know I am lost. I crave to spend time with her, she is like an obsession to me, an unhealthy one. But still, I can’t help but wonder if tonight will be different. If tonight she will change her mind. Because, Kathryn Janeway, it will take a hell of a lot to get over you, and right now, I am damned if I know what that lot is.
FINIS