Part twenty three of "Little blue world" - an AU series
by Jinny W
October 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all. I'm just playing.
Summary: Kathryn questions her faith in Starfleet, and her future.
~~~
Kathryn's sister rested her coffee cup down on the table and beamed at her.
"Isn't that wonderful news?" she paused, eyeing her sister. "I can tell by the tone of your voice it isn't, though."
Kathryn shook her head. "It is good news. I think. I'm a little surprised, though."
"Why? What did you expect them to do?"
"I don't know. Not give me Voyager back, that's for sure."
Her sister shrugged. "Why not?"
"My credibility has taken a beating, Phoebe. I suspected they wouldn't trust me completely, they'd worry about me being a Maquis sympathizer and send me off on some stellar charting mission." Kathryn glanced down at her nearly empty mug. "Do you have more coffee?"
Phoebe smiled at that. "Of course. When mom got your message she ordered a few kilos before she even called to ask me to come over this morning."
Kathryn smiled weakly, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed. Phoebe stood to retrieve the pot, then refilled her sister's mug.
"Did she say when she'd be back?"
"She said she wouldn't be long."
"So, do you have your orders yet?"
"No."
"Well, you never know. You might get lucky and be ordered to chart the most boring sector of space."
Kathryn smiled again, with more warmth this time. "Thanks. I'm just not so sure the uniform fits anymore."
"Maybe you need time to get used to it all again. Doing things the Starfleet way, I mean."
Kathryn sighed. "Maybe. But I can't help thinking that…" she broke off, staring around the familiar kitchen as though she hadn't seen it for years, rather than months. After the final debriefing she'd welcomed the thought of returning here to spend a few peaceful days with her family. Despite a comforting evening with her mother last night, and her pleasure at her sister's visit this morning, she couldn't shake her restlessness. The sense of solace she'd been hoping for hadn't yet materialized. "I'll never see them again, Phoebe", she said dully. "The friends I made on the Liberty. It's over."
Her sister watched her thoughtfully. "You must care about what happens to them. That's hardly surprising, considering what you went through together."
"I know, I know that rationally. There's just a part of me that…" she shook her head again. "I guess I'm not used to carry this kind of feeling around. Regret and sadness. As though there was something I should have done differently but didn't. I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense."
Phoebe smiled wryly. "Not really, no. But you obviously need to talk about this."
Kathryn wrapped her hands around the mug, letting the warmth of the coffee suffuse her fingers. The heat suddenly reminded her of the night she'd spent sitting on a couch opposite Chakotay, drinking mugs of Jarak while he shook off the caffeine he'd unwittingly consumed. The thought made her smile, despite the involuntary ache she felt at recalling his presence. She glanced up and caught Phoebe eyeing her keenly.
"There was a woman, a Talaxian woman we met in the Delta Quadrant, called Rexal. She was an extraordinary person. Just before we left her she told me that everything would work out. I just needed to have faith. I wasn't sure what she meant. I'm still not sure. Faith in what? Religious faith? Faith in Starfleet?"
Phoebe chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. "I'm getting the impression from you that you don't have a lot of that at the moment. Isn't that part of the problem?"
"Yes."
"Then perhaps all she meant was that you need faith in yourself. To trust yourself that you'll make the right choice."
Kathryn frowned. "The right choice? Choice about what?"
"To stay, or to go. To take Voyager, or to say no. To continue with your career, or to take some time off. To admit what you're feeling, or continue to bottle it up inside."
She smiled weakly. "Have you turned into a counselor in my absence?"
"No. I just know you very well, Kath." Phoebe took a deep drink from her mug, while continuing to watch her sister from over its rim. "You miss him, don't you?" At Kathryn's startled glanced she grinned. "Don't look so surprised. I can tell by that look on your face whenever you talked about him."
"Is it that obvious? God. They were asking me about him at the debriefing. I lied, of course."
Phoebe nodded. "Do you love him?"
"Yes", she said slowly. "Yes I do."
"That's nothing to be ashamed about. Kath, you didn't do anything wrong."
"I know. It just feels so terrible." Kathryn pressed her hands tighter against the mug, as if hoping the familiar sensation could console her. "It's almost like a physical pain, missing him. I didn't expect that."
Phoebe was silent for a moment, watching her. "He must be a very impressive man."
"He is." She took a gulp of her coffee, wondering if there was any way she could begin to explain their peculiar relationship. "On one of the last nights we spent together, on the colony world, I couldn't sleep. So he told me stories for hours."
"Stories? About what?"
"A lot of things. His people. His father. Why he joined Starfleet. Why he left. I fell asleep in the end, listening to the sound of his voice."
Phoebe nodded. "And what about him? Does he love you?"
"Yes. I mean, I think so. He never actually said so, but I thought-" she broke off, shaking her head. "What does it matter, anyway? We can't be together."
"Not right now. That doesn't mean things will always be like this."
"I wish I could believe that," she said quietly.
"What are you going to do?"
Kathryn glanced at he, her eyes sharp. "Do you mean follow my head or my heart?"
Phoebe returned her stare. "Which one do you want to follow the most?"
Kathryn sighed, as a familiar feeling of hopelessness settled over her. "The problem is Phoebe, they're telling me to do the same thing."
~~~
There was a throbbing pain in his temple. The man couldn't remember where he was, or even who he was, but he knew the pain. It had become a familiar friend to him over the past – how many days? Even that was hard to decide. At least a week. Maybe more.
He'd woken up in this room, dark and cold. There was a blanket on the floor, a bucket in the corner, and that was all. He'd lain in the dark for a while, aware of his gulping breaths and the stinging pain in his head. After touching his forehead he felt dried flaky blood crumble beneath his fingertips. He knew he'd been injured, but how? And how long ago?
After what seemed like hours he'd managed to push himself up into a sitting position. Getting to his feet proved considerably harder. The first few times he'd stumbled and fallen. Once on his feet he tried to explore the room. The dimness made that difficult.
By running his fingers along the wall he determined he was in a small room, about three by four metres. There was one door, no windows, no other exit. The man had explored the door for a while, running his palms along the smooth surface, trying to find a mechanism that would open it. The door wouldn't budge.
When the pain became too much he returned to the floor again. Unwilling to fall unconscious again, he'd propped himself against the wall, the blanket draped over his knees. He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there when he realised that the wall behind him was vibrating slightly.
The sensation puzzled him further. Somehow he knew that he should know what that meant, but the longer he thought about it, the less he understood. An engine of some kind, he decided eventually. But why am I near an engine? Why am I here at all?
Eventually the pain proved too strong and he lay down on the floor again, cradling his knees to his stomach. Time passed. When he awoke he saw there was a bowl on the floor near the door. Someone had been in the room! The thought sent a tremor of fear through his body. Someone had come in while he slept and he had not been aware of it.
He pushed himself up to a sitting position, then crawled over to the bowl. In the dimness he could see that it contained a thick liquid. He leaned closer to it, sniffing at the surface.
Soup. The word came to him from somewhere in his cloudy memory. This was soup. He tentatively stuck a finger into the liquid. It was warm. He withdrew it and licked his fingertip. Whatever the soup was it tasted good. He realised suddenly that he was hungry. When was the last time he had eaten? He couldn't remember.
He clasped the bowl in both hands and began to sip at the thick soup. When he had drained the bowl he ran his hands around the inside, scooping out every last trace. He dropped it back near the door then retreated to his corner.
Why was he so hungry? Why couldn't he remember the last time he'd eaten? Had the head wound completely removed all traces of who he was, what he was?
In the gloom the man peered down at the torn tunic he was wearing. The clothing gave him no clues. It was grubby. Underneath the layer of filth he could see it had once been coloured. What colour, he couldn't tell.
He rested his head back against the wall, as more questions paraded through his mind.
Who am I? he thought. Why am I here?
~~~
"Are you expecting any other visitors?"
Kathryn shook her head. "Would you mind getting it?"
Phoebe rose from the couch and disappeared into the hallway. Kathryn could hear her opening the front door of their mother's house, then greeting whoever had rang the door chime. When she returned a familiar figure shadowed her.
"Tuvok!" Kathryn said in surprise. "I wasn't expecting to see you until tomorrow."
"I had news for you which I didn't think could wait."
Kathryn watched her old friend carefully. She'd known him long enough to recognise there was something troubling him. "How is your investigation going?"
"Thus far I have found no evidence to indicate who burgled my room, or yours."
"Oh".
"I have not yet completed my efforts."
"I'm sorry Tuvok. That wasn't meant as criticism. I just thought you must have found something to bring you out this way."
Tuvok shook his head. "It was no trouble. I was unsure whether you have been watching the Federation news broadcasts recently."
"I don't think I've seen anything today. Why?"
The Vulcan seemed to consider his next words carefully. "I took a recording of this morning's broadcast. I thought I should bring it to you, in case you hadn't seen it."
"Seen what? What was it about?"
"You obviously haven't. Do you have a terminal?"
"Of course. Over here." She gestured to a small desk which nestled in the corner of the room.
Phoebe glanced from one to the other. "Perhaps I should leave you alone?"
Kathryn waved a hand at her. "No, that's okay. Stay."
She slid Tuvok's data chip into the terminal and called up the recording. A well groomed Federation journalist appeared on the screen, staring somberly at them.
"We've just received disturbing reports about an incident that occurred two weeks ago on Jotham Four, an industrial and mining colony not far from Starfleet's station on Deep Space Nine."
Kathryn drew in a sharp breath. They were finally admitting that something had happened!
"A Federation shuttle carrying a group of Maquis who were surrendering, along with a Starfleet officer who was accompanying them, was callously destroyed by a Cardassian warship. An eyewitness has come forward with holo-footage of this shocking event."
The image jumped to a shaky recording, obviously taken from some distance and magnified, of the shuttle exploding. Kathryn felt a tightening in her stomach at the familiar picture.
"A Starfleet spokesperson released the news yesterday that they have discovered that the victims were cruelly betrayed. They believed they were being offered amnesty."
"They've been trying to keep this so quiet", Kathryn said, "does this mean they've decided to publicize what Lamond did?"
Tuvok merely shook his head again.
The anchor man continued. "In a shocking development, the Starfleet spokesperson revealed that the Cardassian's were informed of the transfer by one of the Maquis themselves."
"What!"
"Apparently furious at his comrades' decision to leave the group, terrorist leader Chakotay, a former Starfleet officer, contacted the Cardassian military and informed them of the amnesty deal." At this a holo-image of Chakotay appeared on the screen. Kathryn recognized the photo from his Starfleet file. "A bargain was struck, presumably for money or weapons, and the Cardassians agreed to attack the shuttle. Starfleet has reissued a warrant for this man's arrest. He is to be considered extremely dangerous."
Kathry felt a wave of nausea strike her. "Bastards", she hissed, as the recording terminated. "They've found a way."
Tuvok and Phoebe both stared at her, Tuvok apparently blandly, Phoebe in concern.
"A way to what?" Phoebe said.
"During my debriefing they told me they were worried about the amount of sympathy the Maquis were attracting recently. Now they've taken the opportunity to turn public opinion back against them."
Tuvok continued to watch her silently.
"Tuvok", she said quietly. "Don't tell me you're going to ask if I think it could be true."
"No. My reaction was as incredulous as yours. Given the events of the past few weeks, and knowing Mr. Chakotay's character as I now do, I believe this information to be incorrect."
Phoebe frowned at him. "Then Starfleet's lying about what happened?"
"That is not an accusation I would make lightly. But given the circumstances, it does appear to be the logical conclusion."
Kathryn realised that she had been leaning against the desk for support and angrily pushed herself away. "I knew they were stalling me when I tried to push for Lamond to be punished. But I didn't think… There's a difference between not wanting to acknowledge an unpleasant truth and manufacturing a deception like this."
"Do you think Chakotay knows?"
"If he does not, he will soon," Tuvok said.
Kathryn glanced at him. "What do you mean by that?"
"After I saw this footage I contacted a former colleague of mine who works at Headquarters. I thought perhaps this was an example of media sensationalism, or perhaps speculation on their part. He informed me the press release did originate from Starfleet command."
"Who?"
"I do not know. But he also told me that a mission was being prepared. They are sending another starship to capture Chakotay."
Kathryn shot a grey-faced look at Phoebe. "Who are they sending this time?" she asked softly.
"According to my source, Captain, they are sending Voyager."
~~~
end of part twenty three
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