"
Music playing is "How Do I Live Without You", by Trisha Yearwood
The latest entries will be at the bottom of the page
Hello my son....this page is for you and I . I will write to you when I feel the need to share something with you...
July 23, 1998 Thursday
To My Son,
Hello baby....well this is the first letter to you in your site. First off, I hope you are happy with this site. I have enjoyed making it, it makes me feel as if I am doing something for you again. You are my child and I am your mother, so this mothering feeling I have had for all your years will not go away. You may not be on this Earth with me, but that will not stop me for wanting to mother you. That is my role.
I am writing with a heavy heart today my child..we are packing for our vacation, and you will not be with us. We are taking Jake and Brittany to Disney World in Florida. Oh Josh how I wish you were going with us...I am so sorry my son that you did not get to go while you were alive. You did not know, because it was a surprise, but last year Grandma & Grandpa Ginter was planning on taking you and Jake and Jessica. They were heartbroken when you died and when you couldn't go with them when they went. I am going to take a pair of your shorts to wear to sleep in, just to have something of yours around me, to maybe comfort me alittle bit. Jake also asked if he could wear them. He misses you too baby...we all do...why my son why..??
I will try to see Disney thru your eyes...I will look for things that you would have enjoyed. So circle around me my Angel and lead me to things that you want to be near...
Jake and I called the hospital today to see if they accept donations into their children's ward. They do, and Jake and I decided to donate your Sega and games to the ward for other children to enjoy. I know how much you enjoyed that, and I hope to pass that onto others. Jake is excited about this, but Josh where are the games??? Baby I have looked everywhere, please help me, are you playing a game with me? I know your sense of humor and this is something you would do...:)
Well, sweetie I must go, I need to sleep, I miss you so much, my heart aches...I want to touch you so bad my hands burn...I love you more and more...I hope you feel my love, my son....
With All My Love,
Mom
~Things Moms Learn~
I gave you life,
but cannot live it for you.
I can give you directions,
but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom,
but I cannot account for it.
I can teach you right from wrong,
but I cannot decide for you.
I can offer you advice,
but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love,
but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share,
but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect,
but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends,
but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex,
but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you about drink,
but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs,
but I can't prevent you from using them. I
can tell you about lofty goals,
but I can't achieve them for you. I
can teach you about kindness,
but I can't force you to be gracious. I
can pray for you,
but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you
how to live,
but I cannot give you eternal life.
[Author unknown]
Josh and my birthday was 10 days apart, something that was always "cool" to us...something else we could share, but the year he died, I had to bury him the day before my birthday...he died 6 days after his...
This poem was written for someone else but I had permission to copy it...it fits me perfectly
A Peaceful Birthday
Can I make a Peaceful Birthday Wish?
To a heart so sore with grief,
That looks at each passing year,
As one mark closer to relief?
Can I wish that the Joyous Riot
That once marked Birthdays past,
Would instead be replaced
By gentle peace and quiet?
Would it be unkind to wish
For sweet remembrances to replace
The painful reminders all around
That cause my heart to ache?
And instead of making Birthday wishes,
When I really wish for is you,
Could I instead share a Memory,
Or would it make everyone blue?
I wish this day for Birthday Peace,
To reign within my heart,
As I mark another year,
And remember...
We are still apart.
And one day soon or late
My fondest wish will come true,
When finally at the end of years,
I am reunited with you.
Thank you Lisa for writing this....
August 24, 1998 Monday
Oh my Angel child how I miss you so...today school started and you are not here, another milestone to pass, another tearful, sad day for mom...am I the only one thinking of you today? I wonder, I hate to think that that may be so, where is all the family support that I should have? This makes me angry my son, I am sorry, I know they won't forget about you, but do they remember the little things like school starting? I don't know...but I know I do...Jake started at your old school today, God it was hard for me to walk into that school the other day, so many memories, I wonder if Jake felt that way today, my poor child, he is suffering too, he spoke of you today so I know he remembered...he loves you so much too Josh. I know you were with us today because of the song that came on in the van when I was taking the kids to the bustop, thanks Josh I needed that...I love you my child, my son, I miss you terribly so, please help me thru this day....Love, Mom
A Mothers Love
A mothers love is unique and special;
nothing else can quite compare.
When you think she's given all she's got
You'll she still has love to spare.
When the object of her love is taken
for whatever the reason be
An important part of her goes with him,
A part no one else can see.
You may understand her grief and sorrow,
You may feel a great loss, too.
But, what that child meant to her is different
From what that person meant to you.
She spent nine months with this life within her,
Growing and maturing day by day.
Truly depending on her for existence
In a very real and vital way.
A bond is shared between mother and son
The first moment of his birth;
Unspoken, unrehearsed, though it be,
No word can measure it's worth.
October 2, 1998
Good morning my Angel...
Alot of has happened since I last typed to you here...some things I cannot go into, but you know...
There is a chill in this air this morning, and it is getting closer and closer to the time of year that I have the hardest time with. You will be 17 in 29 days...17 years old, it is so hard to think about that Josh. I sit here and think about what you would look like now, how much more taller would you be, how your hair would be styled now...would you be working part-time somewhere? Would you have a girlfriend? I can go on and on and on...I could type forever about the things I wonder if you would be doing...I miss you Josh, I miss you SO MUCH !! It hurts now with a deeper pain than it used to. My heart used to hurt but now my whole body does. Josh I have changed so much, I am not the same Mom you knew. I hope to think my mothering is better, but I know that I am different as a person. I could not help but change, you my child is gone from me, I will never be what I was before. It is almost 2 years.....why does it seem 100 years since I saw your smile? It is still hard to believe that this all happened. I could go into denial real fast, my mind would let me, but I come back to reality when I see your pictures on the wall....Josh, Jake is looking more and more like you. He is starting to part his hair now like yours, and his facial features is more like yours now. Want to hear something strange? He used to have brown eyes, almost black ones, now they have changed into hazel eyes like yours....that is SO bizarre...he likes them. He misses you so much, I just hope and pray that he will understand more as he gets older. Guess what he and Alan did? They sorted thru all of your baseball cards !!!! Can you believe that? They are all sorted by teams and kinds of cards and years, they have never been organized like they are now...you were be so proud...They started in on them to look to see if you had a Mark McGuire card and/or Sammy Sosa...which you had PLENTY of them....Jake was so thrilled...I know you would be happy if you were here watching this Sports record-breaking ordeal that is going on now. Jake and Alan went and hit some balls the other day, and as Jake stood there and hit those balls, boy did it remind me of you. This is the 1st time that he has even gotten interested in Baseball. I think he felt that this was "your" sport, so he didn't want to impose. But he has the knack for it like you did. God this hurts Josh, as I sit here and type these words, I want to scream, I want you here to experience the things that you should be experiencing. You should be here with us. You should be here smiling as you watch these kids grow up too. Remember when you said how Brittany was going to be pretty when she grew up? Well you are right, she is turning into a pretty little girl. As she grows up and gets prettier I will always be reminded of what you said about her. I miss you my child, I want you with me, I want another kiss, another hug, another smile from those pretty white teeth. I want to feel your hands on my face, I want...I want...I need...you
I love you my child, my son, my friend...Josh...forever young, forever 15....
Mom
forever in longing pain, forever sad
October 7, 1998
Hello my sweet Angel...:)
I wanted to write yesterday, but I couln't. It was 23 months yesterday Josh...closer and closer to 2 years...unbelievable..I can't even think that one yet because I have your birthday to deal with 1st. I don't know what we are going to do for it yet. I start to think about ideas and then my mind wonders...it goes to that area of my heart that hurts. I shared a memory of you today with someone special I have met here online, and as I typed the tears started welting up...remember when you were at Vicki's with Grandpa to help with her porch and all you wanted to do was play with Rachel? When Vicki told me this, it didn't surprise me for 2 reasons...1 you hated to work..LOL...and another is I know how much you loved Rachel. You loved babies and that is something that I will never forget. I want to think that you got that from me..:)
I do know that you had so much love for little kids, and what is SO sad is that Rachel will not remember you playing with her that day when you were supposed to be helping Grandpa.She won't remember the way you were making her laugh...she won't remember you...that is heartbreaking to know. I remember you, I remember the good and the bad. They are etched into my heart and mind. This week I was watering my plants (most of them from the funeral) and there is one plant that when I watered it, I could see a bloom...this is the 1st time it has ever bloomed. Is this a sign from you my son ? Are you trying to tell me something? I never thought this plant would ever bloom. I have been babying 1 plant in particular and it has never bloomed yet either, never...one day maybe it will bloom too.
I will be typing here often this month my child for this month is the hardest for me. My heart beats faster as the days of October come and go. I used to love Fall and Halloween and all the fun things that come with it, I used too...oh Josh how I miss you my child...my life is so different without you in it. I long to touch and hold you, one day my child, one day......
Love Always,
Mom
October 9, 1998
Friday
Hello again my love...
Just wanted to let you know what happened yesterday at Jakes school conference...well first, I can now walk into that school and not have just you assoicated with it. It is Jake's school, not just your LAST school...
Anyways, I had to go to a parent-teacher conference, which went well, and in the end of it I wanted to remind them that your Birthday and Ann date was coming up and to just "watch" Jake, I always feel that Jake and Brittany's teacher need to be aware of this. Well, as I was saying this, Jakes teacher started to cry....she was a 1st grade teacher at Jake and Britt's school when you died. She remembered this. This made an impact on her. As she was saying this she asked me if I knew who took it the hardest at your school...I said no, she then told me it was Mr. Sawyers...your old Math teacher...she preceeded to tell me about the letter that you wrote to him the month before you died, thanking him for being a "cool" teacher, and for being someone who cared about you. Oh Josh, sweetie, this is the Josh that I know, the compassionate one, but still it is a reminder to me that you have thought about suicide for awhile. You wrote this the month before you died...well Josh he showed all the teachers this after you died, he was SO touched by your life and death, you made an impact on this man's life. He is now the Assistant Principal at Brittany's school. He was there last year when Jake was there too. We met with him for another conference about Britt last month, and he told me to my face about this letter. I could tell by his expressions that it still meant alot to him, and this is something that he will never forget. I won't either Josh. I have had some rough days here and I know you know it...I want to feel your arms around me, I want to see you and talk to you in my dreams, I want some closure to know that you are O.K....this is all so very hard, but it is people like Mrs. Brassfield, and Mr. Sawyers that helps me get thru this mess...
I will always love you my child, always, no matter what you did...
I miss you
Mom
I JUST LOST YOU - Monica Eblen
How can I put your dying into words?
Are there words powerful enough
To describe the death of you,
And this lost, pain-filled me?
Where do all these tears come from?
Endlessly, they flow from my hurting eyes.
I wish they could drown out the awfulness
Of being in a life I don't recognize anymore.
Who am I now, without you?
I fell I've lost myself in a fog.
A mother without a child-
That's not supposed to be.
What will happen to me now?
A mother can't stop being a mother.
I know I shall go on loving you,
YOUR LIFE HAS NOT ENDED FOR ME.
October 21, 1998
Wednesday
Hello my son,
I miss you.....boy what a time your Mom has been having...in 10 days you will be 17 years old. In 16 days it will mean I last talked to you 2 years ago...2 years Josh, God how am I supposed to deal with this?? I miss you SO much...I miss everything about you...I baked cupcakes in your honor last night at the Survivors Group, they appreciated them, just the kind you like, chocolate on chocolate...Jake asked if I was making you a cake this year, I hadn't planned on it, but if it is mentioned again, then I will. It is just so hard. Buying the cupcake mix was hard, knowing I was making something for you, but you won't be here to share it. Something funny did happen though (you must have been here with me making them after all) they were supposed to be Marbled (yellow-chocolate) as I was making them, you have to separate the batch into 1 large and 1 small (the small for the chocolate mixture) well the first batch went okay, as I was waiting for them to cook, Jake was here with me (home sick) and he wanted a spoon full of batter, which he got (I'm easy, remember...) well I left he kitchen and Jake ended up eating the WHOLE thing of chocolate !!! So the rest of the cupcakes were all yellow !
I had to laugh Josh. I told him that if you were here you would have done the exact same thing, so you must have pushed him alittle...we both got a chuckle out of it...:)
Did I tell you that Cliffy's mom called?? Can you believe it, I am so happy to hear her voice. Cliff took your death really hard honey...he suffered for awhile you know....he reacted out in ways that were very hard on his parents. But she says now she has seen a huge change in him and they are doing good. They invited us to a Halloween Party, but we can't go, I wish we could, I would love to see them all again...
We went to the Farm to get a Pumpkin for you...we got 3 total (one for each kid) and I decided to carve out "Angel Child" and your initials on yours, it will be going to the Cemetery for your Marker....just for you...
Lindsey called ! SHe is so sweet Josh...she is adorable, I am always SO happy to hear from her. She said she a couple of friends are going to your resting place on Halloween...isn't that sweet...I am so happy she still has been in contact with me, I appreciate that SO much...:)
Well My Angel, I gotta go, I feel alittle better just writing to you, I love you Josh, I miss you too so much my child....I will never understand the day you left me forever, but I do know I forgive you....I know you love me too....
Love and kisses
Mom
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?"
And, "I'm fine" . . .
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else - except the elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
It is constantly on our minds,
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say "Barbara" again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say "Barbara" and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, you are leaving me
Alone . . . in a room . . . with an elephant.
by Terry Kettering
October 28, 1998
Thursday
Hi Baby....Oh Josh I miss you, I don't know how long this letter will be. I don't know if I can get this typed out today. You will be 17 years old in 2 days....17...
I have been in denial all week, I am afraid to cry. I am afraid that when I do cry, I will not stop. I cannot accept that you are not with me. I know you aren't, but I can't accept it in my heart. My heart aches for you, my arms and hands ache to touch you, my lips ache to kiss you, I just want you. There is no other way to put it, I want my son, I want you with me. Today was bad from the get-go. I was talking to a friend about the fact that we are going to carve the pumpkins tonight and it hit me, I felt like I was slapped with reality. Your pumpkin we bought will be carved tonight to take to your grave on Saturday, to your grave....not to you, not for your eyes to see, to rest near your marker. Jake wants to carve an Angel and I am going to put your initials on it. This is not the way it is supposed to be. I am supposed to be running around trying to figure out what to buy a 17 year old, supposed to be baking a chocolate on chocolate cake, supposed to be singing Happy Birthday to you and taking pictures of a happy time, not this year again, not ever again.....and I am supposed to accept that ???? I am angry, not at you Josh, just at the things that I will never get to experience with you again. I dreamed of things for us to do together as you grew, those dreams are gone, they were buried the day that I buried you...you should be here Josh, you should be with us, laughing and joking and living each day. I am sorry my son, I know I should not be so sad, I know that you would not be happy with me right now. I cannot help it, I am sad, I am hurt, I am a grieving mom, longing for my child, longing for you Josh, I am sorry my child, sorry for all the things that you have missed, sorry for all the things you will miss, I am sorry for all the pain that you suffered, I am just so very sorry.......
I love you Josh, I miss you my child, my son, my Angel child now.....forever
Mom
BEREAVED BIRTHDAYS
BIRTHDAYS ARE A TIME FOR CELEBRATION
NOT A TIME FOR TEARS.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE BIRTHDAYS
NO LONGER MARK THE YEARS?
A BIRTHDAY MARKS THE MOMENT
A SPIRIT ENTERS EARTHLY LIFE
TO SHARE ITS SPECIAL LOVE AND JOY
AND LEARN FROM EARTHLY STRIFE.
BEFORE A SPIRIT COMES TO US,
IT KNOWS WHEN AND HOW IT MUST DEPART.
IT CHOSE ITS PATH CAREFULLY,
WE ARE HONORED FROM THE START.
THE SADNESS WE NOW FEEL
ON SUCH A JOYOUS DAY
IS LONGING FOR OUR LOVED ONE'S TOUCH.
IT'S NATURAL TO FEEL THIS WAY.
FOR EVEN THOUGH THE BIRTHDAYS
NO LONGER MARK A SPIRIT'S STAY,
LOVE CONTINUES ON FOREVER
TO TOUCH US EVERYDAY.
SO HUG YOUR PRECIOUS MEMORIES
CLOSER TO YOUR HEART
AND HONOR YOUR BELOVED SPIRIT CHILD
WHO CHOSE YOU FROM THE START.
"You Know
You're A Mom When..."
By: Michael
Barclay
1. You count the
sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You want to
take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite
toy and made him/her cry.
3. You have time
to shave only one leg at a time.
4. You hide in
the bathroom to be alone.
5. You child
throws up, and you catch it.
6. Someone
else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.
7. You consider
finger paint to be a controlled substance.
8. You mastered
the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a
plate without anything touching.
9. Your child
insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of
the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand
Central Station... and you do it.
10. You hire a
sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages,
then spend half the night talking about and checking on the
kids.
11. You hope
ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child
eats.
12. You cling to
the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his
toast into the shape of a gun.
13. You can't
bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
14. You hate the
thought of his wife even more.
15. You donate
to charities in the hope that your child won't get that
disease.
16. You find
yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual
shapes.
17. You
fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's
mother.
18. You use your
own saliva to clean your child's face.
19. You obsess
when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month
at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the
second time.
20. You can't
bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.
21. You hear
your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"Not in your good clothes!"
22. You stop
criticizing the way your mother raised you.
23. You read
that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel
proud that your kid is above average.
24. You say at
least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you
wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
November 4, 1998
Wednesday
Hello my now 17 yr old son..:)
Well Josh Mom made it, it was hard, but I did. I have such bad memories of your 15th birthday (your last here) and I am having such a hard time with those memories. I know it was a bad time for all of us, but the bond between you and I was strained that day, and it shouldn't have been. I hope and pray that as time passes I can find inner peace within myself on your birthday each year now. I tried to recall earlier happier birthdays, and I could somewhat, but I think just the missing you so badly hurts on that day too. God did I ever want to see you, touch you and hug you this birthday...my arms were empty Josh....
We carved out a pumpkin for you, an Angel pumpkin, it turned out really neat, I was even impressed with myself...:) we took it and some balloons to your resting place on Saturday. We lit the pumpkin and each one of us released a green balloon for you, we privately said messages to you, did you hear them? did you get the balloons?...:)
I wondered all day how long your pumpkin stayed lit...I had bought a large candle in hopes that it stayed lit for awhile....I miss you my child, I really do...I can't help but wonder what you would be doing now at age 17...
Jake and Britt did pretty good this year, better than last year. Jake looks so much like you, he compares his features with you, and compares your height with how tall he will be. Guard over him Josh, he is so dear to me as he grows and I see you in him. You would be so proud...watch over Britt, she has some tough times too, she told us her message to you when she released the balloon was that she wished that you could say goodbye 1 more time....boy, don't I wish that one too...it brought tears to my eyes...they are so young still...
Well on Friday it will be 2 years... I can't even go there yet, I will write more later about that. Do know that I love you and miss you so much, my heart aches for you, it always will....always...
Love
Mom
November 9, 1998
Monday
Hello my Son...
I miss you...so much...2 years ago today I saw you for the last time...we buried you Nov 9th, the day before my birthday Josh...as you well know...another reason I know you left without realizing what you were really doing...I am not mad at you, I can't be, how could I be? Sad, yes, very sad..hurt, yes, terribly hurt...hurt for all the things that I won't get to tell you, for all the laughs we won't get to share, for all the touches that I won't feel...hurt that you can't be with me and your family....I try to find ways to cope, and some days are better than others. But then I think that I coped 1 more day, but I am supposed to cope YEARS??? more like forever...that is unbearable.
I sit here with your candle lit. If I light the candle then I feel you are the flame. We don't have to speak your name, the flame says it all.
On Friday, the day you left us 2 years ago, Jake went to school. He didn't ask to stay home this year, that I feel is growth..anyways, when he got home that day, he was excited !
He couldn't wait to tell me what he saw that day. Here he has been in that school walking down those halls for almost 3 months now and on Friday as he was in the hallway he saw a plaque, at the top of this plaque it said "In Memory Of"...and it listed names of students and teachers whom had passed away that attended that school...yep there you were, 2nd from the bottom...Jake was so excited about this...his brother ! and he found it on your Anniversary date ! I hugged him and told him that you probably nudged him and said "look there Jake," and he laughed and said yes you probably did and to show him you were famous ! your name was in his school...:)
I know you did that, and that made me feel so good Josh, you are his Guardian Angel my child...you are all of our Guardian Angel...I love you, I still can't believe you are gone...I asked Jake recently could he believe that you had been gone 2 years...he said NO! he couldn't either...I then said something about not being able to see you again (I meant here on Earth of course) and boy did he correct me FAST...he said Mom, we will see Josh again, and yes he was right, we will, but he sure did not like what I said...I still can't believe that I can't talk to your face, yes this helps to write, but I need you...oh how I need you....give me inner strength my son, please...I know that might be asking too much of you, but I cannot handle this pain, the pain that reminds me everyday of your loss...I miss you and I know one day we will reunite again, and I will be so happy on that day...my heart will be complete again on that day...
Watch over us Josh, we miss you and love you very much my child...SO very much...
I Love You Josh !!!
Mom
November 18, 1998
Wednesday
Hi Josh !!!
Hello my Angel...:)
Just wanted to share another family thing with you, you were probably there, but anyways here goes...:)
Jake had his 1st basketball game yesterday and they WON! Guess who had the winning basket? Yep, you can just imagine how happy he was and we were all so proud...he is SO much like you in the athletic dept Josh...he has great hand-eye co-ordination...we were thrilled..:)
Britt got her report card and she is doing better too ! We have been so concerned with her schooling but she is doing alot better, which makes us so proud too...Jake gets his tomorrow, now he might be another story...he is kinda like you in that area, he can do the work, but he would rather have social time more..:) That's sounds about right, since Britt seems to think she is a teacher half the time too...lol...oh well, at least they are getting along in life again finally, they miss you though Josh. You will forever be a void in their life, as in mine of course. My birthday was last week (another time that was hard for me...I missed you) anyways Jake signed your name to my card too, he has done that for each Holiday for me...that is so thoughtful and loving, plus I love to see your name anywhere... I love you my son, and I miss you dearly. Why haven't you come into my dreams yet? I am still asking you know, I can do that, I am your mom...:)
Well I must go, I need to work on your site tonight, you received 3 more Awards !!!
I love you Josh, and I miss you even more...
Love,
Mom
Oh Well...Whatever...Nevermind.....:)
I still remember this saying Josh, I always will...
JUST FOR TODAY
FOR BEREAVED PARENTS
by
Vicki Tushingham
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to
get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a
time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in
the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or
comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for
maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,
for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for
deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done
to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another
child because I know that would have made my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent,
for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember
that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is
because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be
who I am and to have had my child I had for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not
deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life
did go on,
and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
December 7, 1998
Monday
Hello Josh...my Angel Child...
Boy Mom has been busy as you well know. I am exhausted each night I go to bed, so I don't have the strength to lie there and think of bad times. I think of you often throughout my whole day though son. We have the holidays creeping up again, and I think I am trying to keep myself busy to not think. Yesterday I wrote a check and wrote the date 12-6 and thought back to 2 years ago that date, and that first Christmas without you. That Holiday is a blur, the 1st year is like a blur. A sad, depressed, awful year. I don't know how I survived it. I hear of new suicides (we had 3 here close to us within about 5 weeks...) and my heart goes to these people and families and friends....I actually went on TV and spoke of teen suicide with another Mother. I know you gave me strength to do that, I will do anything I have to, to speak out, to possibly help. But to see your picture on that TV screen that day was an unreal experience. I knew it was you, but it didn't seem like it. It instantly brought tears to my eyes. The kids were thrilled that I did it. i love you Josh, I am so angry that there is a death called suicide. I am angry that this took you away from me. I am not angry at you, for you were just a child. But this means there is no more nothing of you, no future, nothing. That is so hard to except. I don't think I have accepted it yet. I don't want to.
Christmas will be different this year. But then again they are ALL different now. We will be decorating your wreath again, and putting up your stocking, but you will not be here again to share with us on Earth. I know you will be here in spirit, and that does help.
Josh please give me inner strength to get thru the rest of this month. I love you so much, I want you with me and I can't have that. I am sorry you are gone. Watch over me each and everyday, as I will think of you each waking moment....
I love you my son
Mom
Wounded Holidays
by Alan Harris
(for the Compassionate Friends)
Young, they left our homes--
in a moment, long or quick,
they were gone.
Dewdrops turned into teardrops,
the shining sea too small
to hold our grief.
"Give us our children back," we pled
as we noticed their plateless places
at the table.
Regret made a river through our days,
tempering laughter,
pervading sudden silences.
Bodies they had through us, with us--
bodies housing minds and souls--
no longer.
The holiday season's return
makes throb now the wounds
we felt at their parting,
wounds which may heal
in time, we hope,
into strength--
but not yet, in this season
of snowflakes that sting and cookies
that somehow taste of vinegar.
"If only," goes our carol.
If only they could return to us--
but no.
If only
we could speak with them--
but no.
If only we could love them
so intensely that they could
feel our presence right now--
but yes, yes to this one,
a thousand yesses--
they can.
How can they not feel our love,
being core in core with us,
heart in heart?
We give love this season to them and
to each other as plundered parents
and wounded healers.
With love flowing, something in our lives--
a magnificent, mysterious Something--
guides us like a star.
---------------------------------------
But A Moment
You'll always be my child-I think of you each day,
Even though you must remain so very far away.
A love as strong as this, I've never felt before;
But you had to go away-up through heaven's door.
You'll never have to suffer, or feel pain or hate,
just peace and love and happiness-God has given you this fate.
I hope that you can feel just how much I care;
And, When my days are over, in a flash-I will be there.
Pure unbounding joy! We'll never have to part.
You'll be right by my side-And not just in my heart.
But, until that day, when my dream is real-
I think I understand, just how I should feel...
"Mom, I am fine!" this must be what you would say-
"Please don't be so sad, we'll meet again one day:
I'm with God above - so don't cry for me,
Our parting is but a moment compared to eternity."
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)
December 10, 1998
Thursday
My Angel....
Hello my son....this is early in the morning, but I needed to get this down while the thoughts were still fresh, sad but fresh...
I had a dream, I have been asking you to come into my dreams for comfort, but the dream I had last night sure wasn't comforting..
I dreamed we were in a house, not ours, but someone else's house, it was in a neighborhood with many houses. We were with my parents, your grandparents, someone whom still loves you SO much...a tornado was coming thru (which is connected to you I know, since you LOVED tornados) and I was put into a separate area than you, you were with my parents, and at some time I tried to get to you, but could only see you crying, crying SO hard, reaching out for me to get you, you were about 10, about Jakes age now. Oh Josh this was SO painful for me, just typing this now hurts. I could finally reach you and your arms felt so good around my body, around my neck. You were still crying and telling me how scared you were and how much you loved me and wanted me...oh my son is this how you are now????? Are these your words now??? Are you longing for me as much as I am wanting you??? This was so painful for me Josh. I woke up wondering if you are still in pain. I don't know what to think. Another part of the dream was while the tornado was going thru this neighborhood, and you were still with my parents, I had a little girl on my lap, I am thinking it was Allie, the little girl that I am SO close to now, someone whom has brought me so much comfort these past few months. In my dream I didn't want you to think that she mattered more than you...oh baby, you are what matters to me the most. I miss you so much Josh, this is so painful. How am I supposed to go thru this life without you? I looked at pictures yesterday, I smiled and even laughed at some, but when I closed that box, it hurt...where is that little boy of mine? Jake looks JUST like you, so much it is eerie really. It amazes everyone, including Jake. It hurts to see those pictures of you 2 together, boy you loved your brother, that is what is so difficult now to deal with. He no longer has you either, none of us do...
I need to go for now, this is too hard for me at the moment to type...
I LOVE YOU MY SON.....Josh I miss you, I long for you, I want to touch you so bad, I want you back...
Love
Mom
Words Left Unsaid!
I didn't get to say "goodbye",
And all the words I wanted you to hear.
I should have said them when I had my chance,
But I thought that you would always be near.
I ran out of time to let you know,
Just how much you meant to me.
I should have told you, but I thought you knew,
But now I will never know, if you really did see.
When l talk to you in my prayers at night,
I hope you can hear all I have to say.
I would have told you, if only I could,
Have had you back for one more day.
Perhaps there were words you wanted to say also,
That were left unsaid by you.
But I do know that you loved me,
As you knew that I loved you too.
We should always say what we feel in our heart,
As tomorrow may never come.
Speak those words today as you feel them,
And never lose your chance to tell someone.
December 22, 1998
Hello My Son,
Hey there handsome...:) Well Mom has been so busy as you well know....not just with Christmas but with other things...I miss you terribly too...I had a bad dream the other night. There are times that I think that you are just "somewhere else" not gone forever. Like you are just away somewhere and you will be with me again. I know that is major denial, for I know the truth, but sometimes this gets me by. Anyways, I dreamt that you were living with someone else and had been for 2 yrs. So part of me was SO happy that you were alive somewhere else, but the other part I was so sad for you wanted to stay where you were instead of coming home to me. Which I guess I could interpret this dream for what it sounds like it really is. Maybe that is a sign that you are happy where you are. And really if you are at peace, then that is all I can ask of you. Even thought the selfish side of me, the mother side, wants my child in my arms SO bad, so much it hurts. But I can't have it all can I...
I have been Christmas shopping but it isn't the same. I will enjoy Christmas for Jake and Brittany, I will see Christmas thru their eyes, but it is still painful. We are going tonight to get the things to make your wreath and are taking it to your resting place tomorrow. This is hard to do, but it is something that makes the kids so happy to include you too. Your stocking is hung here on the mantel in front of me, there is 2 notes from Britt so far...:) I will be adding to it later tonight. I will try to get Jake to put something in writing, it is difficult for him to do though. He doesn't know what to say...he just knows how he feels....
Well I will go for now, I will be writing back very soon my child. I miss you with all my heart and soul.
I love you Josh !!
Mom
December 24, 1998
Christmas Eve
Oh Josh....I am writing to you tonight with a very heavy heart...a mother's broken heart. A mother whom wants her child, wants to see him, hold him, kiss him...a mother whom misses her child so much....
Jake, Brit and I went to the cemetery this morning...we took the things that the kids decorated and Josh is was so cute....I hope it put a smile on your face. We decorated the Heart wreath again this year with special things, and this year they added a Santa, sleigh and reindeer...:) It really was cute. It was all decorated with colored garland. They love you Josh, I just hope you realize how much. They miss you, and they want to include you in every Holiday...they are so kind-hearted, and so considerate...
I miss you Josh, I listened to a song that reminds me of you, I heard it this evening, "God Bless the Child". It reminds me so much of you. Even as I miss you each and everyday, the Holidays are worse. This is a family time, and part of my family is not here. I am heartbroken about this. No matter what I do, I can't ease the pain in my heart, never...you were meant to be with me forever Josh, why just 15 short years? I did not expect to bury you son. I expected to watch you grow, and mature and have and live a mature life, not be stripped from me at 15...
We went to Grandmas tonight as usual for the dinner and gift opening. Grandma had the candle next to your picture lit, that was so special. She said that she had lit it in the morning, and kept it lit all day. She misses you so much. We all do. I thought that was so special of Grandma to do. She also collects Angels like I do. She has Angels next to your picture too...this is all very difficult, very...
I love you and I miss you Josh. This is my 3rd Christmas without you, they don't get easier...they carry more pain...
I love you my Christmas Angel, I hope you have a Merry Christmas with your new friends in Heaven...
I will be thinking of you tonight, tomorrow and forever.....
Love
Mom
Just Josh's Mom-again...
continuance of this page
