Song playing: How Do I Live Without You This is in continuation of the other page for Letters to Josh.
January 10, 1999 Remembering A Child's Angel January 21, 1999 WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME February 3, 1999 My Brief Rainbow February 28, 1999 PAINT BRUSH March 18, 1999 April 26, 1999 May 9, 1999 July 29, 1999 This was sent to me from some anonymous but it sure touched my heart...thank you for whomever it was....Deb TEARS
To my dearest family, Sept. 17, 1999
My Love Is With You.... Halloween Thank you Judi for this beatiful poem for Josh and I today....I know you know my pain... November 5, 1999 My Love Is With You.... December 10, 1999 December 30, 1999 January 13, 2000
A Heart of Gold stopped beating, February 14, 2000 March 13, 2000
Saturday
Hello my wonderful child...
Boy are you missed, I can't think of any other way to start this letter out than that way...you are missed Josh, so much my son. I still have the hardest time in believing that you are really gone, forever gone, not just for the weekend like I was used to, but really gone...As 1999 approached, all I could think of was another year passing that I won't see you, another year of not talking and sharing things with you, another year of silence from your lips, another year of missing your smiling face...can I do this Josh? Can I go thru this year and next and the next and forever without you? It seems unbearable to do this. It seems unreal, like that this can't be possible. But I know it is for real. For I don't hear your voice, I don't see your face, I don't hear your laugh, I don't see you tease Jake and Britt, I don't see nor hear anything from you any longer....oh maybe in spirit, and I take anything I can get, but will this do me? I don't know, I don't have the answers anymore...
Thank you for the Christmas Rainbow, I know that was a sign from you, it had to have been. I have never in my life seen such a more beautiful, perfect, complete rainbow in my life. I have never seen a complete rainbow ever...and there had been no rain for days, so I know it was from you...:) It warmed my heart...so I guess if you can keep me going by giving me signs and signals from you, that sure will help baby...
Well I guess you have noticed your brother....:) Josh, he cracks me up...it is kinda bittersweet actually, but I know it is part you, part him...he looks SO much like you, he acts a little different, but he is missing you so much. He is still keeping your life in rememberance, and I love it ! It makes me feel that everything that I have been doing to help him and Britt understand your death, it is all working....I am very happy about this. He wants to wear your clothes, he got your comforter from your bed to sleep on now, even though he got a brand new one for Christmas...he now wears your Nikes hat that you just had gotten for your birthday...and he is very protective of these items too...he loves you so much Josh, and he misses you..this is his way of remembering and needing you. It is wonderful....but hard for me partly too, for to watch him do this is hard but at least he is sharing and reaching out....Britt is growing up too....she always makes sure I have Angel things now, preferably Angels holding babies...:) isn't that sweet...that mothering touch is in her so much...she knows that I am a Mother without her child, and she tries to replace that emptiness...so touching and true...they mean so much to me, both of them. I love being Mom to them...they are flourishing great...
Well baby I will go for now, I miss you SO much...so very much....why oh why did you feel you would be better off gone?? I know you did not have any idea about how much pain that this would endure, for I know you wouldn't have done it possibly....but you were just a child, just turned 15, still so innocent, so naive, just my baby boy actually...and now you will always be that....always...
I love you Josh, my child, forever and always
Mom
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked my how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
******************
(author unknown)
Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day he
asked God:
They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow but how am I going to
live there being so small and helpless?
Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for
you and will take care of you.
But tell me, here in Heaven, I don't do anything else but sing and
smile, that's enough for me to be happy.
Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day.
And you will feel your angel's love and be happy.
And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I
don't know the language that men talk?
Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will
ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how
to speak.
And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?
Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to
pray.
I've heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?
Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.
But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.
Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way
for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth could
already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked softly:
Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name
Your angel's name is of no importance, you will call your angel: Mommy
Thursday
Hello my Angel Boy...:)
I just wanted to write you to tell you thanks...thanks for sending me some wonderful kind people that understand my pain of missing you. I know your hand is in this somehow. When I made this site for you, I hoped that it would help not only me, but others, and it is happening. It has happened since about the 1st day that I published it. But if it wasn't for you, helping me and encouraging me in your little ways, I couldn't have done it. I miss you, I really truly miss you from the raw parts of my heart. I wonder so much what you would look like now, what you would be doing. That part hurts because I will never ever know. When I look at Jake I see you, so you are around me that way too.
I have been reading alot of poems lately and I wanted to share them. I will write again soon, so much is going on as you well know....keep giving me inner strength okay> I love you, I miss you.....
Love
Mom
Oh well, whatever, never mind.....(I think of this saying often...)
When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I'd miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you".
Today for life on earth is past but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful, so trusting, and so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won't you take my hand and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
by: David M. Romano D
Wednesday
Hi Baby !!
I haven't written in a little bit because so much has been happening as you well know...:)
Well it is all official now, WE ARE MOVING !! Can you believe it Josh..?? We are building a home and moving into it as soon as it is done. I have struggled and struggled with this decision as you know, and I do believe that when I came to the decision that if it was meant to happen, then it would, and so far it has...the kids are very excited. It is strange for all of us, to move out of state and start all over, but I honestly feel this is the answer to SO many problems that I have had to deal with since you left. I struggled with the fact that you are buried here in Ohio, but I know that you are in my heart no matter where I go. Jake wants to plant a Dogwood Tree as soon as we can for you, they want to get an Angel Statue and possibly a bench, we will definiately have the room to do that, and we will.
Guess what else ?? I am going to Louisiana...!! Can you believe it? I am actually going to fly too...LOL...I am going to meet Shanes Mom, Judi and Justin's Mom, Libbie....you know, your 2 friends up there in Heaven. We all know that it was all 3 of you helping us meet and become very dear close friends. I can't wait to do this Josh. These 2 wonderful friends know how I feel, they know my pain from missing you SO much, they miss their boys too....do a group high-5 for us down here okay? I would say do a group hug-but I have to remember I am talking about guys here...:)
Josh I love you baby, God I miss you. I know you have had your hand in all of this for me, I know you have..also I know you helped me, Jake and Britt yesterday at the railroad tracks...thank you...we instantly said that our "Guardian Angel" helped us thru that one too. You are always with me, aren't you Josh...:) I still have days that I can't believe that you are really gone from me, I can almost tell myself that you will return when you are older, I know that is denial, but baby I can't help it. It is just certain days that I am that sad and miserable. I think the rest of the days you must be holding me up, helping me walk and talk and function the way that I am. Thank you my son....thank you...
I love and miss you !!!
Love
Mom
by Peggy Kociscin
Rainbows appear only on dreary, rainy days.
They beautify the world for a few brief moments.
These moments, however, can be spectacular.
YOU were my brief rainbow.
You entered my life
And stayed but a short while.
Nonetheless, the memories of those moments
When you blessed us with laughter and delight,
Joy and smiles,
Charm and beauty,
Gaiety and silliness,
Sunlight and moonbeams,
Giggles and love (ad infinitum)...
Made the deluge,
The tears of pain and anger,
Helplessness and fear,
Insanity and agony,
Sadness and heartbreak,
Emptiness and loneliness
Bearable
Rainbows, however brief,
Make the world a brighter, lovelier place.
How grateful I am that I had you,
My brief rainbow.
Sunday
Hi Baby....I miss you Josh..I miss every little thing about you, even your onery side....:) it seems like 1000 years since I saw your face, and I still can't believe you won't walk in the door again, I still have a real hard time with that one, I think I always will...
Alot is going on as usual...we just got back from Tennesee. The house still is not done, delays, delays....uuggg...driving me nuts ! We are picking out stuff for you too, some people might think we are nuts but OH WELL....:) you may not be here with us in body, but you are still my child, and the kids' brother...so when we see something you might like we keep that in mind. The color green is very well used in the new house theme, your color. We pick out Angel stuff all the time. We are going to get you a rock stone and have your name engraved on it and put it next to your tree when it gets planted. You will have your space with us too, just where you belong, we are all still family...and we miss you so much.
Well as you well know, Mom made the big trip last weekend....did you laugh at me? I wasn't a bit afraid of that battery-operated plane that I first got on because I knew you was holding up the wings baby...:) I got to meet Judi, Shanes mom, Libbie, Justins Mom, and Paula, Garys Mom....what wonderful, kind, sweet, generous Moms. Josh....I did NOT want to leave....they understood me, they knew my pain, they knew how deep those tears were...they miss their boys too Josh, were you all 4 there? Were you laughing and crying with us as we were? Did you see me flip off of that stool? Meeting with them was the neatest thing that I have ever done since you left me. I was really down when I got home. I was physically and emotionally drained, and I missed them all SO much...it felt great being with other Moms that had lost their children too...
The kids are doing good, just waiting to get moved...very excited...
I better go, I am tired, but I had to write, I haven't gotten a chance to write much lately. Your Mom is SO busy trying to change the world....LOL...you know me, I have a mission and I am on it asap...but thanks to you, you help me each and everyday my son...I love you Josh. I miss you dearly, I want to touch you and see your smile and it hurts SO bad not being able to do that. I was not done being your Mom you know.....
I LOVE YOU BABY !
Mom
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go.
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do -- that
You might laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.
Bettie B. Youngs, Author
Do you believe in Angels?
Do you believe in angels?
I really think I do.
And as far as I can tell,
They look just like me and you.
They are people while on earth,
Then Spirits in the sky,
They watch us in our travels,
And always stay close by.
Just when they think something,
May harm us or bring tears,
They hold us in their arms again,
And take away our fears.
We don’t have to call them,
On a phone or with our voice,
Because they stay inside our hearts,
And they are always there by choice.
So next time that you think
You have lost someone forever,
Remember they’re your angel now
And would they leave you?
NEVER.
Thursday
Hello my son...
The above poem hits me right now, for I have met another special person whom has befriended me because of you...:) You have brought many kind people to me thru this site and this helps me heal...this special lady is going to help me with some projects that I hope will get the word out about Suicide and Depression even more. As I have said to you before, I feel this is my mission now and people are here to help me with this....
I miss you my son, so much....I still look at your picture and wonder where you are? Even though I know you are not here on Earth in my heart I still want to see you come thru the door and say "Hi Mom!"....to hear your voice again would be magical music to my ears...I love you...:)
We have had tragedy again in our family. This suicide nightmare has taken another life. It does not matter the age, for Grandpa was older, the pain is the same when it comes to this kind of loss. Please be with Alans family as we go thru this again....you are giving me inner strength I know, I can feel it. Please help me say and do the right things in the days coming ahead us. Thank you my son for being with me, all day, for I know you are....I need to go for now, but I will write again soon...I love you and miss you will all my heart and soul....
Love
Mom
Monday
Hello baby....
It has been awhile I know....forgive me, but as you well know he have been so busy. We are getting closer and closer to the move, and it is taking about all the energy that I have left, which isn't much on some days...I miss you Josh. It is still so unbelievable that you are gone...last night I lay in bed and thought of you, thought of how you really were gone...you really did die. You really never will walk thru my door and into my arms never again...never again will I hear your laugh, see your smile, feel your touch. Your life ended and so did part of mine on Nov 6, 96. There is such a huge part of me gone, gone forever. I get up everyday, I do the things that are required of me to do, but there is a hole inside me, so deep, so wide...some days that whole swallows me up. Some days I go on, but it is like I am on auto-pilot to do so. I miss you so much Josh. My heart aches to see you. My arms ache to touch you...oh how I would love to feel those strong fingers on my shoulders like you used to. You were a good kid Josh. I was very proud of you, you were so good in your heart. You were going to make a good husband and father one day, and I won't be able to see that now. I just want to scream and cry...I want you with me, I want you to experience the things that you were supposed to experience. I want to see you drive and have lots of friends and fun. What happened Josh? when did you lose your will to live? what was your last thought? how did you think I was going to survive this??? you had no idea I don't think, I don't think you were capable of that, you may have been 15, but you were still a child, just learning adult things, just spreading your wings and trying things, now they are all cut short, now I am left here hurting so much for you and missing you so much that I can't function at times. This is not what I ever thought when I saw that georgous face of yours when you were born. You were so big, so strong, so mature for a newborm, so precious. You were my everything, my life. You still are Josh, you still are...and will forever be...I love you baby, love you so much...miss you sadly and terribly.....this is awful....
Love always my son, always
Mom
Mothers Day
Sunday
Hello my son....I dreaded today, but it ended up turning out very peaceful and I am sure it was because you were around me all day...:)
I sure missed you and thought of you all day though...Jake and I went to the cemetery today and cleaned off your marker and planted some flowers, yeah I know we aren't supposed to plant flowers, but even if we go next time and the flowers are gone that is okay because today it gave me and Jake some peace to do it. It turned out very pretty I thought...Jake gets such an enjoyment in helping me with all of that. He wanted to know your favorite flower, which I didn't know, then he wanted to know your birthday month flower, which again I didn't know...lol..but he ended up picking out some very pretty spring flowers...:)
This past week marked your 2 1/2 yr passing mark and I didn't do very well...I was very down and very upset. I decided to watch our family videos for the first time, because I was starting to think I had forgot your looks and walk and smile....but watching them helped somewhat. It hurt too, because I got to see visually what I really miss...you...I saw how big Jake and Britt are getting compared to what size they used to be, right before you died. They have grown so much and they are doing very well. They miss you very much. They got me a Angel Statue for Mothers Day. It is very pretty, we will put it in our house whenever we get to move....I got upset last week too because I started thinking about how you should be with us moving to our 1st home...our family home...you should be here, I should be watching you grow up. This was very upsetting for me Josh. It is still so unbearable to think that you won't be with me. That pain is so deep. I miss you terribly. Planting your flowers today, digging in that ground was very strange. I kept thinking how your body was just beneath me, yes I know your soul was with me in spirit, but I couldn't help but to think that your body was there in that ground, below where I was sitting. Very strange thought I know, but I couldn't help it. You felt close to me, yet SO far away...oh how I miss you...
Thank you Josh for making me become a Mom for the 1st time, you are very special to me and have always been. I enjoyed our 15 yrs and 6 days together....you are in my heart forever....
Jake, Britt and I enjoyed some quiet time today and it was very nice. I love those 2 kids, they are everything to me. I enjoyed being a Mom to you and I enjoy being a Mom to them too....it makes me very happy...:)
Well baby goodnight and thank you for being my son, I miss and love you very very much...
Love
Mom
Thursday
Hi Baby!
Sorry I haven't written in SO long....we have been so busy with the house. No, it isn't done...uuuggg...this sure has been hard on us, I miss you terrible, I wish you were here. I need your laugh and sense of humor now. I had a bad week 2 weeks ago Josh....for the first time I got angry with you...I was SO mad at you for leaving me and for not being here now. I think I was afraid to get mad at you before, like I would hurt you, sounds crazy to me now. I should be angry, you are not here...I know you were in so much pain, more than I ever imagined, but I was mad because you left me without giving me a chance to save you. I feel so stripped of a large part of my life now. I feel the kids are stripped too. When Jake marries when he is older you cannot be there to stand up with him and be his best-man. He lost his only full sibling and this bothers me terribly. Jake and Brittany and Laura's kids will not know their uncle. They will hear about you, but not know you. This hurts me terribly, and this will affect them later too. I am still angry, more hurt than anything. I know you felt you would not be missed but Josh you are SO missed by everyone! I miss everything about you! There are times that you and I shared jokes and laughs and I miss that so much now...you will be turning 18 soon and that is totally unbelievable to me right now, it hurts to even think about it. I wonder so much what you would be doing now. How many hearts would you be breaking....just mine is broken now....you have sent me some wonderful friends though, and that I thank you. You must know that I need some "teen" interaction....I have found me an "Earth Angel" now...her name is Gina and she is a doll. Funny thing is if you were here, you and her would be a match I just know it!! You too are so much alike....so now I can interact with her and it makes me feel good....:)
Jake is looking more and more like you. He is getting taller and taller this summer. He is at your Dads right now and Britt is at her Moms and boy do I miss them. They miss you too sweetie. They are still getting me Angels in honor of you...they adore you still....I must go for now, but please remember that I love you with each beat of my heart and I cannot wait to see and touch you again...I love you Josh, very very much...
Love
Mom
FROM: Josh
TO: Mommy
Oh mommy, where can I find the words to tell you how much I miss you? I wish you were here with me to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I wish you were here with me to see all the wonderful sights. The streets really are made of GOLD!!! The sea is so crystal clear, and the weather is always beautiful and sunny. We even get to play sports and other games! It never gets boring. I can promise you I am happy, but at the same time, I have so many feelings of regret. Mommy, I never meant to hurt you, I swear I didn't. I just could not take the pain either, but I was afraid to tell you how much I was hurting. I just did not think you would understand. I mean you have always understood before, but for some reason, I just didn't think you would understand this time. I know you really loved me mommy, but I had no other choice. I had to end this pain and suffering I was going through, and the easiest way out was death. As I took my final breath of air, I was not afraid. Jesus stood there and held my hand. It hurt so much at first knowing I would never see or get to tell you how much I loved you again. I also hurt knowing that you would all suffer for many years to come. Yet JESUS took my hand and lead me on home and ended my suffering. Oh Momma! How beautiful it is. It is also true we get a mansion. JESUS does his best to make sure all his children are happy up here. There is music constantly playing at all time, and the singing of the angels is glorious. We have so much time up here, and just like you, JESUS is always willing to listen when we have a problem. GOD, Mommy, you do not know how much I miss you. All I can say is please mommy, please forgive me, and love me always cause I will always love you.
Love Your Son,
JOSH
Softly I hear you whisper to me...
I turn to find you gone...
As I leave the room I smell your scent...
For it lingers on your clothes...
Your picture holds your image close...
With a smile that still shines out...
The laughter in your eyes pulls at my heart...
Its all of you that remains with me...
I ache with longing to touch your face...
To hold you close once more...
My eyes are red from crying...
Coldness seems to fill my soul...
The world is far away...
I don't know the day, the time, the hour...
Whether it is raining or sunny...
I hear no birds, though I'm sure they are there...
Do not really care about tomorrow...
It will only bring the pain anew...
Friends and family all draw near...
To comfort and console me...
I love them dearly and all they do...
But numbness fills my soul...
I do not want to know the how or why...
Or to even comprehend your gone...
I only want to turn back time...
To hold you once again...
To tell you that I love you...
Look in your eyes and see them shine...
With laughter, life and joy...
A LETTER TO MY FAMILY
some things I'd like to say.
But first of all to let you know,
that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven,
where I dwell with God above.
Where there are no tears or sadness,
there is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy,
just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you,
every morning, noon, and night.
That day I had to leave you,
when my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me,
and He said, "I welcome you."
"It's good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family,
they'll be here later on."
"I need you here so badly,
as part of My big plan.
There's so much that We have to do,
to help our mortal man".
Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do,
and foremost on that list of mine,
is to watch and care for you.
I will be beside you,
every day of the week and year.
And when you're sad, I'm standing there
to wipe away the tear.
And when you lie in bed at night,
the days chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you
in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on Earth,
and all those loving years,
because you're only human,
there's bound to be some tears.
Do not be afraid to cry,
it does relieve some pain.
Remember, there would be no flowers,
without a little rain.
I wish that I could tell you,
of all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you,
you would not understand.
One thing is for certain,
though my life on Earth is over,
I am closer to you now,
than I ever was before.
And to my many friends,
trust God knows what is best.
I am not far away from you,
I'm just beyond the crest.
There are rocky roads ahead for you,
and many hills that you must climb.
Together we can do it,
taking it one day at a time.
It was my philosophy,
and I'd like for you too,
that is, give unto the World,
so the World will give to you.
If you can help someone
who's in sorrow or in pain,
then you can say to God at night,
my day was not in vain.
And now I am contented
that my life, it was worthwhile.
Knowing, as I passed along the way,
I made somebody smile.
When you're walking down the street,
and you've got me on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps,
only half a step behind.
And when you feel a gentle breeze
of wind upon your face,
that's me giving you a great big hug,
or just a soft embrace.
When it's time for you to go
from that body to be free,
remember you are not going,
you are coming home to me.
I will always love you,
from that place way up above.
I will be in touch again soon,
P.S. God sends his Love.
Author Unknown
Friday
Hello baby...
Still busy, but you know I think of you everyday my son. Not one day will ever pass that I won't. I miss you more and more all the time. The pain comes closer and deeper at this time of the year. Fall time...the dreaded Season of the year for me. I used to see Fall as the time of the year that the leaves changed colors and were beautiful, now I see them as dead leaves. I used to be all excited to see pumpkins and Halloween decorations out, thinking to myself what would we do different for your birthday each year. Now I see them and it hurts, that awful pain inside that gnaws at me. You would be 18 this year and I am having such a hard time with this. I want to think positive and try to celebrate the 15 yrs we had with you, but I can't seem to do that yet. I am sorry. I am sure that pains you, but I honestly can't help it. I keep thinking back 18 yrs ago...an excited very pregnant Mom to be, wanting to hold her child and see what he looks like so bad...so happy, so excited....well sweetie you sent Cliff my way didn't you? I know you know what is going on, and I know you sent Cliff and his family my way. I will try to do what I can to help him because I know you and him were so close. I know you were so hurt when he moved away when you 2 were younger and the best of friends. I was so glad when you 2 linked back up before you left us. It broke his heart when you died, so many people were lost without you sweetie. I know you were in pain too, but I wish you could have realized how much you were loved and how much you are now missed. Life won't be the same you know. Another year of school started without you. Another year that passes that you won't get to experience. That list of things you won't be able to do gets longer and longer Josh. I love you baby and miss you so terribly much. Please know that I am trying so hard to deal with this all, it is a struggle each and everyday....lots of love to you my son...lots...
Love and miss you
Mom
My Love Is With You
Oh sweet Son, What can I say?
My heart is empty without you each day.
The Angel wings you wear must be so grand,
If only I could reach out and touch your hand.
Maybe then we could say Good-bye
Which could help dry the tears that I cry.
Now I know thats impossible for us to do,
So lets make a deal just me and you.
When I look to the stars at night,
You look for me with all your might.
When you see me just shine real bright,
And together we can send our Love and say Good night.
I miss you my Son more every day,
And the emptiness I feel will not go away.
You are my son and will always be,
My Angel in Heaven looking down on me.
You will live in my Heart and I will try to stay strong,
Because my son in my heart is where you belong.
I Love You Son, Sleep well my son.
October 31, 1999
Josh's 18th Birthday
A beautiful child was born to me on this day 18 years ago at 10:19 p.m. This is child is you my Angel. God gave me the most beautiful thing to loe and to nurture, and I did, but for only 15 short years. Today is your birthday and my heart is so heavy with pain from missing you so much. Today you would be an adult. Today we would have celebrated in a even more special way, but we can only do it in memorial of you, for you are not with me in body. I know you are with me in spirit, but today I am very selfish, for I wish I could kiss you and hug you and tell you face to face Happy Birthday. Today is a day that always brought me joy, for the memories of celebrating a brithday is so special. This is the 3rd year I will be celebrating without you. In my heart I can still see your smiling face on each of your other birthdays you were with me. Halloween was always so special to us. Now they are so different. I don't know how to celebrate them anymore. They bring me pain and longing for you. 18 years old....what would you be doing now? How would you look? How would you act? I am lost in the year at age 15, forever....forever 15 is what you are to me. I will sit here today and think back of all the previous birthdays and parties we had for you, think back of all the fun and laughter I would see from you. Did you enjoy life as a child? I sure hope so, I tried to do whatever it took to make you happy, I love you so much Josh. I will always love you. I wonder who will remember today as your birthday? My biggest fear is that you will be forgotten. I know some that are thinking of you today. I have many friends that share my pain of losing a child and I know they are with me in thoughts and prayers today. Jake and I are going to go spend some time today together, just us 2. He is having a difficult time for different reasons and he needs me today too Josh. Today we will go buy 18 green balloons in honor of you and release them at the house. The house that you should be here with us living. I miss you and your music here. I miss seeing you enjoy the scenery and making friends like Jake and Brittany are. I just plain miss you. So today as I go thru the motions of surviving another birthday without you, just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and heart all day. I love you my son, my now 18 year old son, and I can't tell you how much I miss you....we all do....your candle will be lit today, and catch the balloons we will send you later today...for they are for you....
I love you Josh
Miss you badly
Mom
Eighteen Today
You would be eighteen today my son,
Such a big mark for a young man,
I think of all the things you would have done,
But for you, there was another plan,
You're not here with us to clebrate this day,
Oh Josh, why did this happen to us, to you,
It wasn't supposed to be this way,
I think of all the things we still had left to do,
There should be 18 candles on your cake,
Special gifts and wonderful memories,
Friends and family to to help us celebrate,
But for us it was not mean to be,
God took you home to be with Him in Heaven,
Before we could celebrate this special day together,
So celebrate with the angels my dear son,
Happy birthday in Heaven Josh, I love you, now and forever...
Judi Walker
Written for Debbie and Josh
Oct,
Friday
Hello my sweet Angel...
Tomorrow will mark 3 years that you left me...why is it that it seems like 100 years that I saw your smiling face? But then again it feels like yesterday that you left...it is all very confusing at times. I wanted to tell you that I did very well on your 18th birthday. Jake and I started out the morning together and had a good day. He has been needing some extra attention and he got it that morning. We released your balloons did you get any of them? I sent you that special one that evening...It is hard to accept that you would be 18 because to me you are forever 15.
We are having company this weekend. You never got to know Dawn, Jim, Ashley or Allie-Cat, they came into our lives after you left us, but they are very special to us. They are coming here this weekend, and I know Dawn is doing it more because she knows I will need some extra attention this weekend...she is so sweet. Your Uncle Mark and Aunt Angie will be here too. This way I can stay busy, but don't think that you won't be in my thoughts and heart as you always are....I miss you dearly, and love you even more than that. I will be thinking of you my sweet Angel Josh....I love you baby....
Love
Mom
My Love Is With You
Oh sweet Son, What can I say?
My heart is empty without you each day.
The Angel wings you wear must be so grand,
If only I could reach out and touch your hand.
Maybe then we could say Good-bye
Which could help dry the tears that I cry.
Now I know thats impossible for us to do,
So lets make a deal just me and you.
When I look to the stars at night,
You look for me with all your might.
When you see me just shine real bright,
And together we can send our Love and say Good night.
I miss you my Son more every day,
And the emptiness I feel will not go away.
You are my son and will always be,
My Angel in Heaven looking down on me.
You will live in my Heart and I will try to stay strong,
Because my son in my heart is where you belong.
I Love You Son, Sleep well my son.
Friday
Hi sweetie....well it is that time of year again Josh that it seems that comes too soon. Many memories of past Christmases fill my head and heart. It is just a reminder of what I no longer have. You. Past memories of you at Christmas can put smiles on my face, but my heart hurts even more. I think of how hard I tried to get you what you really wanted each year, but you were so easy to buy for, you never asked for much, you appreciated what you got. I love you baby. I miss you so much. Each thing that I try to do for the Holidays brings me sadness and pain. We put up our tree, which as soon as the boxes get opened, the pain starts. This year I decorated the wooden tree that I purchased last year just for your ornaments. I really like it. There are so many memories on that tree. What hurts is the ones that I buy now, you can't see. My Angel collection grows and grows more each month. It seems that is all I am interested in, Boy Angels, just a link that I have with you.
The kids are doing good. Jake got his school picture taken in one of your shirts, I didn't say a word, but when they came back, and I saw it, and saw how familiar you 2 are, it was really bittersweet for me. He loves you so. You are talked about from both of them. Britt still is so mothering towards me when it comes to you. She feels my pain and I am sure they both do. One day baby we will be united and what a glorious day that will be. To feel your touch, and to see your smile is the day that my heart will melt again, just as the day you were born. The empty spot in my heart will forever be there, until I see you again.
I love you Josh
Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow
miss you more than that
Mom
Thursday
Hello baby...Oh how I miss you!!
I made it thru Christmas again without you....this was my 4th one...they are NOT the same, you are so missed. The kids enjoyed theirselves. A couple days before Christmas Jake had a very bad day. He didn't want to talk to me, but I have a funny feeling it was about you. He misses you too. I pray for guidance when he is a teen, Brittany too. I already have a difficult time just thinking about it. I went to your resting place and I was so happy to see that you had Poinsettas there, that meant someone else was thinking of you too....warms my heart to know that!
Josh tomorrow is the last day of 1999...seems so unreal. I have been having a difficult time with this new Millinium thing. The year 2000 was the year you were to graduate originally. I have a hard time thinking that the 1900s I had you and lost you. I know that may sound strange to others, but to me it is very hard to accept. I wish you were here baby. I miss you terribly. I have moments that I am so heartbroken, so sad. It is hard to explain. All I know is that I am sad. I try so hard to be positive in thinking, but at times that is not easy to do. I try to think of the things that I did have, but the things that I no longer have takes over. I will be so happy the day that I am reunited with you, just to see your face and touch you again is a dream come true. I have to go now sweetie, but please know that I think of you each and every day, and I miss and love you SO much my son....so much...
I love you Josh
Mom
Thursday
Hello sweetie...I miss you Josh! Today I am having one of those days. Today is a day that I am thinking of what I "used" to have. Today is a day that my heart and arms ache to have you. Today is a day that I just want you. I look around at my Angel collection and think back to when I didn't have one, I had you instead. Each Angel means something. The little one that has a baby in a pumpkin is in rememberance of your Halloween birthday. The one in the glass globe playing a guitar is in rememberance of you playing your guitar. What I wouldn't do to have you hear playing yours instead. What I wouldn't do to have you walk into the room saying "Hey Mom!"...I was watching a show about reunions and they make me angry and sad. These people have second chances, I do not. I will be reunited one day, but I want you now. Each day you are in my thoughts. Each day my heart beats a little different. Each day that void there stays. Each day I see Jake favor you more and more. I think of them growing up without you. I think of what you are not here to share with us. It is just one of those days Josh. I miss you baby and I love you so much. Do you know that? Do you feel my love? Do you see how I try to distract myself when I am feeling like I am today? Just know sweetie that I love you and miss you so much....
Love
Mom
Two shining eyes at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove
He only takes The Best.
God knows you had to leave us,
But you did not go alone ~
For part of us went with you,
The day He took you Home.
To some you are forgotten,
To others just the past.
But to us who loved and lost you,
Your memory will always last.
~ Anonymous ~
Monday
Hi my angel...:) Mom just wanted to say Happy Valentines day to you...:) You are in my thoughts each and everyday Josh, so of course I couldn't let today go by without telling you this! I miss you my son...Today I would be giving you a card and candy just like I am doing with Jake and Brittany, except of course your candy would be gone in about 2 minutes and you would be asking them for some of theirs...lol...jake and I talked about you this past weekend, I shared some of the humorous things you use to do...we had a good laugh. That is just one of the many things I miss so much, you and I had the same sense of humor, I miss the joking around so much...I miss your smile, your laugh. Well baby gotta go, just wanted to include you on Valentines Day you know...:) I love you baby and miss you terribly...
Love
Mom
Monday
Hello Josh...Mom is having one of those days, I thought maybe just writing to you might help me....I sure hope so. This past weekend my grandpa passed away, and everytime I have to go thru another funeral, it brings me back to yours...grandpa is better off, he was so ill, and I am thankful he is in a better place now, but I can't help but think of you now. I am off of work today, trying to regroup within myself, it is very difficult. I try to start a projuect here, but can't seem to stay concentrated enough to get thru one. I think my biggest problem is I am holding in the pain, and I can't keep that going today. Today my mask is peeling off layer by layer and the pain is deep. In my heart I am just hoping you realized how much I loved you while you were with me. I would have done anything for you Josh, anything. Now I find myself still wanting to do something and I can't. It is a very helplessness feeling. A mother loves a child from womb to tomb, but for me my love goes further than that. I still have the desires and wants to do things for you, and I can't find anything to do. It is like my hands are tied, it is an awful feeling...Did you know grandpa when he passed over>do you remember when you were a little boy and walked with him and grandma to the little creek so you could throw rocks in there? They loved you so much. Do you remember riding Bo-Bo's horse? Those are happy memories for me. Now you are with grandpa and my other grandma....you are well taken care of I know, but that doesn't take away from the pain I have of wanting to still mother you also. Did you see your tree we planted for you? Did you see how much work Jake put into collecting the rocks and engraving them? It brings him pleasure I think to do something for you still too, it is a comfort I think, that it what I was talking about earlier in this letter, we still want to do something for you Josh. You are still so much loved, and missed even more. In our home, you are here in many different ways. I look around the house and you are here, thuoght of in so many ways. Jake still sleeps with your comforter, my Angel collection grows all the time. Your favorite color green is very prominent here all over. So I guess I do what I can do to remember and to grieve, but I just hope and pray one day I will find peace, is that possible? I don't know....I keep trying...do know that I love you my sweet son, your face is in my thoughts all the time, your smile makes me still smile, your sense of humor shines thru me, when I see something you would appreciate that is funny, I remember you....and always will....always....
I love you Josh, my sweet Angel Son
Love
Mom....:)
