June 8 The weekend passed uneventfully, and i answered no questions. I did nothing to call any more attention to myself; it was pretty plain that I was going to be the center of more than enough for weeks to come. She made no move to look for Jay, whether by using her own means or the telephone. Speaking of which , it rang this morning for the first time since school ended and summer fell open. Summer here comes like rain in the desert and the friends i thought i had vanish into the sands..school ends and so does my existance, for those who even know i am there at all. but i digress..the phone rang and i leaped for it, almost too quick; her hissing breath by my ear blotted out the caller’s voice and i surrendered the phone into her hand -hello? yes. (she is never daunted by anyone; how much magic does *that* take?) I pretended not to be frantic and nosed around in our freezer, looking for the leftover ice cream. She insists on making everything herself..sometimes it’s not so bad. I read what i just wrote and it is hard to believe i can be so nonchalant - i sound like a kid. If all this hasn’t grown me up, what will? Well, maybe the next three days will..Jay’s coming on Wednesday. I don’t know who found him or just how they knew she was looking for him, but he is on his way..I don’t even know where he’s been. One day not long ago, I might have been wondering, I might have cared, I might have cried to hear news like this.. and I might have smiled to think what it might mean..what we might have together...ironic how much I used to love him and now it is my love for someone else that has brought him home again. I dread to think what will happen when he arrives. Surely, she doesn’t think we are old enough to get married..or that I have to marry the first man I sleep with..an archaic thought for an archaic woman, I suppose. How do I take the name of a man whose name i don’t even know -- Suddenly, I’m shivering..why didn’t I think of this before? Why didn’t I ever notice he didn’t tell me his name? Shouldn’t I have known that long before I let him know me?? I can feel my heart scratching at my ribs. Am I going insane? If he would just talk to me, just tell me where he’s been the last few days..I always thought making love was part during and part after. He has not even so much as called my name, much less held me and let me know that he isn’t lost. I hope I can say as much for myself. I’m going down to the shore before sleep. Goodnight, love, whoever you are. Turn the page.. Turn back a page.. close the journal