Malo i neizbeznih - o plavusama (vezbajte engleski)

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum
wrapper.

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.



Why don't blondies breastfeed their babies?
It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.

What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
"What's a lightbulb?"
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
her nametag)?
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Why do blondes have more fun?
 Because they don't know any better.
They are easier to keep amused.

What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
"Space. The final frontier......"

 Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
 She didn't know what ONE came first...

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces themself.
Walks home.

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
So she could keep the refriderator cold.

Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What's the Blonde's cheer?
" I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

 Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
 In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray

What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So brunettes can remember them.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!

What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Evo nekih koji su se meni dopali:
 
 

Pita žena muža:
•E, jel' se secaš kad sil bio na ribarenju pre 8 meseci?
• Kako da ne, bio je odlican ulov!
•E pa zvala te riba kojuk si ulovio - ocekuje ribice!

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Kako se zove novorodence Cigana?
Gancnov.

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Stoje na balkonup dva hleba a spod njih prolazi pereca kad ce jedan hleb drugom:
• A jest' ova današnja omladina komplikovana...

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Kako taliban ide nad posao?
Avionom.
A kako se vraca kuci?
Ner vraca se.

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Znatel li kako se puž ubio strujom?
Bacioh pogled u šteker.

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Dolazi Crnogorac na beogradsku autobusku stanicu. I ljubazno pita ženu na šalteru:
• Izvinite, kada ima sledecim autobus za Podgoricu?
A ona mu vrlo ljubazno odgovara:
• Gospodine, imate "Lastu" u devet, imate "Strelu" u jedanaest i imate "Raketu" u trinaest casova.
Ovaj se ceška po glavi i pita:
• Možetej li ponoviti, nije mi iz prve ušlo u glavu?
•Pa gospodine, lepo vam kažem. Imate tri mogucnosti: "Lastu", "Strelu" i "Raketu".
Ovaj se ponovo npoceša po glavi i kaže:
• Imaš li ti što da ide po putu, jadna ne bila!?

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Dolazi otac kuci i zatice svoju cerku sa vibratorom. Sa suzama u ocima pita je šta radi, a ona odvrati:
• Da se suocimo sa cinjenicama: imamd 46 godina, ružna sam, debela i nezanimljiva. Bolje od ovoga ne mogu.
Sutradan cerka dolazi s posla i zaticb svog oca kako sedi i gleda televiziju, u jednoj ruci pivo, u drugoj vibrator.
• Šta to radiš, tata?
•Evo, pijem pivo sa zetom.

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Oženio se Lala. Prošao jedan mesec a Sosa pocela da se pakuje. Pita nju svekrva:
• Gde ceš ti, Soso?
• Ja idem odavde, pa ovaj vaš me nije ni jednom opalio.
• Pa je li, sine, je l' to istina? - pita majka Lalu.
• Jeste, ne znam ti ja šta tu treba raditi.
• 'Ajte vi lepo kod doktora - veli im majka.
Poslušaju oni i odu do lekara. Primio on njih, te se ubi da objasni Lali šta se tu radi. Ali Lala ništa ne sluša vec zvera okolo. Dosadi lekaru da objašnjava te uhvati Sosu, skine gace i opali je tu na stolu. Kada je završio kaže Lali:
• Vidiš, Lalo, ovako ceš morati svaki dan.
• Ta, jel'te doktore 'oce l' moci sama ili i ja da dolazim sa njom?

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Voze se žena i muž kolima na autoputu. I pandur ih zaustavi. Pandur pita muža:
• Zaštor si vozio 65 km, kad je dozvoljeno 55 km?
Muž:
•Nisam, keve mi, voziog tako brzo.
Žena:
• Što lažeš, kad si vozio 70 km?
Muž:
• Zaveži, kucko!
Pandur:
•Nisi stavio ni pojas.
Muž:
•Sadaj sam ga upravop skinuo.
Žena:
• Što opet lažeš, kad ga nisi ni imao?
Muž
•Zacuti, kozo jedna!
Pandur pita ženu:
•Da li on uvek tako prica sa tobom?
A žena ce:
• Ne, samo kad je pijan.

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Ko se poslednji smeje...najsporije misli.

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Predlaže mladic devojci:
• Hajdemo se igrati proleca.
• Dobro, a kako se to igra?
• Lepo, ja te jebem, a ti cvetaš!

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U zoološkom vrtu mecka urlice, traži mužjaka ida se pari. Uprava, pošto nema mužjaka, doseti se, pa ponudi Muji da "sredi" mecku za pristojnu nadoknadu. Pozovu Muju i pitaju ga:
• Je li Mujo, da li bi ti jeb'o mecku za 200 maraka?
• Pa ne znam, da razmislim, pa sutra da vam kažem.
•Dobro, 'ajde razmisli.
Sutradan:
• Mujo, jesi li razmislio o našoj ponudi? - pita upravnik.
• Jesam i pristajem, ali imam tri uslova! - odgovara Mujo skrušeno.
• Dobro, da cujemo uslove.
• Prvo: da ne placam alimentaciju ako zatrudni!
• Dobro, slažemo se.
• Drugo: da se ne ljubimo u usta!
•Dobro, ne morate, to je sredeno - zadovoljno odgovara upravnik.
• I trece: ja imam samo e100 maraka!!!

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Doneo meda burek da vecera, stavio ga na sto, otišao po jogurt u kuhinju, medutim kad se vratio ima šta da vidi, na stolu samo masan papir... I posle kratkotrajnog šoka, kaže on sebi: 'Idem da pitam sovu, ona sve vidi, sigurno je videla ko mi je uzeo burek!'. I ode on do sove i pita je odmah:
• Koga si videla sa mojim burekom???
Naravno, ona se pravila luda neko vreme, medutim, kako je meda bio mnogo gladan i samim tim vrlo ljut, uhvati on sovu zar vrat, pa kad je videla da nema šale, sova njemu kaže:
• Pa bio je tu neki sa dugackimi ušima...
Za to vreme, zeka, koji je ukrao i pojeo burek, ležao je skriven u žbunju i sve je cuo, pa šta ce sad, ode kuci i krene da budi ženu:
• 'Ajde, probudi se, imolim te!!!
• Jaoj, zeko, ne mogu veceras, stvarno nisam raspoložena i spava mi se!
• Ma necu da kte jebem, nego mi treba gel!
• Kakav gel, šta ce ti gel?!
• Ma ne pitaj me ništa, samo daj!
I da ona njemu gel... (E sad ide deo što mora da set pokaže. Zeka utrlja gel u ruke, i pocinje da zalizuje uši nazad).
• E, al' ce magarac da najebe!!!

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Otišle dve muve u restoran.  Dode kelner i pita šta ce da uzmu za jelo. Jedna muva naruci govno s lukom, a druga samo govno. Pita sad ova što je uzelam govno s lukom drugu muvu:
• Jeli bre, što nisi uzela i luk uz govno?
• Jes' pa da mi smrdi iz usta...

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Koliko narodnjaka treba da zamened sijalicu?
Dva. Jedan da je zameni, a drugis da napiše pesmu o tome kako je stara bila dobra.

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U sred orgije Mujo upali svetlo. Svi dreknuj na njega da gasi i da nastavi gde je stao a on:
• Necemo, vala, da nastavljamo! Moramo da se organizujemo.
• Kakva bre organizacija, gasi bre, i privati se necega...
• E pa ovako više nem ide! Pušim vec treci krug!

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Došaos Muja kodq Tarzana u goste. Tarzan ga lepo doceka i povede po džungli kao svaki kulturan domacin. Dok su tako išli Tarzan sve vreme mumla nešto sa životinjama. Muja oduševljen pita Tarzana:
• Je li, Tarzane, kako si ti naucio da pricaš sa životinjama?
• Ja sam se ovde rodio, tu sam odrastao, životinje su me odgajile, itd. - odgovori Tarzan.
Muja se lepo proveo i sada je došao red na Tarzana da uzvrati posetu. Došao Tarzan i normalno, sadas povede Muja njega po mahali. Idu oni tako i naidjun na psa:
• AV AV AV! - zaurla pas.
• Je li, Tarzane, šta kaže, boga ti? - upita Muja.
• Kaže da si ga gadao kamenom pre neki dan - odgovori on.
Idu oni qdalje i naidu na macku:
• Mjauu!
• Tarzane, šta kaže?l - pita Muja.
• Vukao si je za rep prošle nedelje - odgovorir Tarzan.
Naidu na ovcu:
• Meeeee meeeeeee!
• LAŽE, TARZANE, LAŽE, MAJKE MI - preduhitri Muja Tarzana.

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Upoznaje se tpandur sa ribom:
• Drago mi je, ja se zovem Milutin. A ti?
• Izabela.
• Iza cega?

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Kako pandur sere?
"Izadi, necu ti ništa!".

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