Communication Helpers

Our language skills tell others and ourselves so much about each of us. They not only reflect our level of education, perhaps the least important of what clues to us are given, our choice of words and language are our main means of connecting with others. The words we choose in expressing ourselves convey our attitudes not only toward ourselves, the choices convey our attitudes toward the listener. As an example, by changing just the four basic words discussed below when you communicate, you will improve your interpersonal relationships and your self image dramatically. It might take a little extra effort and time at first. However, it has proven to many who have given it a try to be worth the extra you put into it. This daily change is only a small but major step to accomplish the goal of improved relationships. The subtle impact of these words incorrectly used can have on another is striking and you can readily see the effect on "clearing up your language" and being considerate of the listener upon making the following suggestions as basic to your new way of speaking. Also, when your mind is in overdrive and you are having a challenge stilling the internal voice during the time you are making a decision about something, use the following changes. By these conscious choices, you will find that your self image and your decision making are both improved. With these simple, obvious slight correction in your course, you also reduce your stress level and make the decision making process that much more productive.

The following basic communication helpers to improve your relationships with others and even within yourself comes to you also as a gift from Richard Zarro.

The first change is perhaps the most obvious on how others react to what you are saying.

Change the word "but" to the use of "and" as a conjunction.

We have been conditioned that the first part of the sentence is complimentary and although the two parts are of equal importance in sentence construction the part after the conjunction "but" tends to be less so.
Try this:
I love you but you are sometimes hurtful and disregard my feelings.
Now try this:
I love you and I need to share you are sometimes hurtful and disregard my feelings.

You can also substitute the word "except" or the word "however" for the use of "and" where appropriate. When you tried a simple sentence such as above, did you notice the listener tended to pull back from you upon hearing the word "but". In reality, the actual physical distance between the speaker and the listener is not just imaginary, unperceivable or not unconsciously done on the listener's part. It can actually be a physical drawing back.

I think you have a real talent for communication skills but you are too busy thinking about what you are saying or are going to say next to pay attention to the listener's reaction.
Now try this:
I think you have a real talent for communication skills except you are too busy thinking about what you are saying or are going to say next to pay attention to the listener's reaction.

Also, are you aware that the tone of your voice changes with the use of "but" to less open, friendly and loving than is true with the other sentence conjunctions? Think about it. If you intent is to push the person away from you, that's fine. Otherwise, consider the reaction of the listener to your use of "but".

The other three examples of language helpers are really about empowerment both of the speaker and the one receiving the message.

Change the word "can't" to "won't".
By making this simple change, you convey that you choose not to say, do or whatever you convey not doing.

I can't write this article today.
Instead and most honestly
I won't write this article today as I would rather be outside on this beautiful day.

This change gives you the power of choice. Remember, "can" has an equal equivalent in the verb "able" in choosing your word. You really have the ability (obviously this does not include being a brain surgeon if you are not one). In appropriate instances what we "can't" do on a daily basis is really a choice of not wishing to do so. Own your actions and observe for yourself how much clearer your message is and how the level of respect for you as the speaker and the recipient as the receiver increases.

Similarly, consider changing the word "should" to "could".
In this instance, "should" is a command to accomplish something whereas "could" gives you the self-empowerment tool of choice.

I should finish the scanning part of this project today rather than watching a favorite video.
Changed to:
I could finish the scanning part of this project today and start the editing of several hundred photos tomorrow and there's still time to watch the video between dinner and watching "West Wing" on TV.

Just the simple change in one word gives me a plan of action, moves me toward completion and helps motivate me to do the least preferable action when I would rather be "goofing" off than researching and producing an article for publication. I was several days late getting this article to my web master for posting because of lack of motivation. Once I corrected that one word, I sat down and it all sort of came together. Here is the end result! The same will work for you.

Lastly and not the least, in these examples, is to

Eliminate the word "try" from your vocabulary.

The use of "try" in your communications is an excuse to continue in your present behavior rather than change as you say you wish. Either do or don't do as you indicate. This author has found the use of this verb "trying" perhaps foils more intentions than any other word in the language. It is an excuse for failure and one that is unnecessary. So, rather than "try" to improve your communication skills, give the material a chance and watch it improve your life!

I hope you have enjoyed this introductory series learned first hand in private training ten years ago with Richard Zarro on communication skills and will use the information to yours and others' benefit.

And thank you for your time and attention to the material presented in this series and elsewhere on the site.

Now back to working on Richard's memorial site on which I will have made substantial posting progress by month's end.

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