Sure, people look at me and say ‘She’s so lucky to be dating one of the hottest men in the world’ but that’s not how I look at it. I look at it more like I’m a normal girl dating a normal guy who is doing something he loves. I hate all of the crap the press says about me. The stuff they say is not even true. I knew that would happen getting into this from the very beginning though.
I was so stupid. All I had to do is say it back. But no, I had to be afraid and not sure what would happen. So now, I’m sitting here on our couch in tears. I knew I loved him. We had been together for a year and a half. All of it went out the window. Well not ALL of it, but the stuff that mattered most to me. The trust and communication. All because I wouldn’t- no couldn’t, say it back.
I remember exactly what happened. Yeah, it only happened just a few hours ago but from all of my thoughts colliding in my brain and all of the tears that have run down my face, I was hoping that I would forget.
***Flashback***
I was sitting at the kitchen table, the one that I had set so perfectly with all of the food that now couldn’t be eaten. I was waiting for him to come home from the first leg of his tour. His plane was delayed. I waited and waited. Finally I gave up. I covered the food that took all day to prepare and stuck it in the refrigerator. I didn’t bother putting the plates away but I did blow out the candles. It was going on 10:30pm so I went upstairs, unable to bare the hole in my heart from not seeing him for so long. I changed into my pajamas, the ones he got me for my birthday. My most favorite and the most comfortable.
I came downstairs and decided I would wait for him. I turned the TV on to some movie channel. I wasn’t really paying attention to what was on, I just wanted so badly for the love of my life to walk in the door and hold me in his arms. It was now 11:30pm. I had fallen asleep. I didn’t even notice the door open. He obviously saw that the TV was on so he sat next to me on the couch.
“Riley,” he whispered in my ear. “Honey, I’m home.” He then kissed my forehead
I stirred and my eyes fluttered open to show the most beautiful site I had ever seen. I was thankful to see that when I woke up. “Hi.” I whispered back. All of the sadness and anger towards him disappeared. “Jace, I’m so happy your home.” I let out a weak and tired smile. I knew he could tell that it wasn’t forced.
“I’m sorry I’m so late,” he began, “My flight got delayed.” I was sitting up now so he moved closer to me and I turned the TV off. “I missed you so much.” He wrapped his arms around me just like I had wanted him to, then he kissed my lips. At first softly but then it grew more passionate.
Once we parted, I knew I would have to tell him sometime. “I missed you too.” This wasn’t the time though.
“I’m really tired.” He looked at me with his bright blue eyes. Of course, I couldn’t see how bright they were because it was dark. But he continued. “Do you want to go to bed?”
“Sure,” I said softly. We walked up the spiral staircase up to out bedroom hand in hand. “Jace, “ I began loudly since he was in the bathroom getting changed into his pajamas. He had yet to unpack so he wore an old pair to bed. “...” No words came out.
He walked up behind me and put his arms around my waist. “Riley?”
“Yes?” I said turning around to look at him. He leaned down and placed soft kisses on my neck. I knew what was coming next.
“I love you.” I had always wondered how he was so sure of himself always. How did he know he loved me? Now it was my turn.
‘Come on Riles, say it! You know you can! You have been ready for this all night!’ She thought. “Me too.” Yeah, it meant the same thing, but it wasn’t the same. I knew but the disappointment in his eyes that it wasn’t the same. I had seen the look every single time he said it.
“Riley?” He said after letting go of me. “Why don’t you say it back?” He walked to the bed. I knew he was upset. I watched him closely. “Riley? I love you. You love me. I know you do! I can tell why can’t you just tell me? Why can’t you say the words?”
That was when it hurt. Not just me but him too. I know you’re thinking: how could it have hurt you? Well it hurt because seeing him hurt me even more and as if it wasn’t bad enough I couldn’t even tell the one person that meant the most me to that I loved him, he had to be mad at the situation too. “I don’t know!” I broke down into tears and ran downstairs. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if he was going to follow or not.
But, as you can tell, he didn’t. He let me go. I’m not quite sure if he expected me to walk out the door in my silk summer pajamas or not. I hope he knows that I’m still down here. I hear him talking. To me, it sounds more like mumbling because I’m far away from him but I’m guessing he’s talking on the phone.
(JC’s point of view)
I’m sitting here on the bed with my head against the headboard, repeatedly banging my head against it. I’m talking to a close friend on the phone.
I sigh, “Meg, I can’t take it anymore. It hurts. I love her so much and I tell her but she doesn’t even say the words.”
“Josh,” she calls me Josh because ever since we were little we had been friends. I will always be Josh to her. “You know she loves you. I know you know. You don’t need me to tell you that. She is just afraid. That’s all.”
“Afraid of what?” I start. “That I won’t say it back?” I’m upset and it’s probably a good thing that I am not down there with her because I might say something I would regret. If I lost her, I think I would die. “I’m the one who says it first! All she has to do is say ‘I love you too’”
“Josh, you need to calm down. If you know her as well as you think you do, maybe she is afraid for a reason. Could that be it?”
“Maybe.” I knew I had to talk to her. Hopefully she didn’t leave. I wouldn’t know where to find her except for where we had our first official date. She took me to a park and when we got there, it was already set up. I found her there after our first fight. After all of the memories of us together floated through my head I knew I had to make sure she didn’t leave. I had to talk to her. “Listen, Meg, I gotta go talk to her. If she left me I would die. I love her too much to let her walk out that easily. I’ll call you tomorrow or when it gets all sorted out.”
“Ok. Bye Josh. Please get some sleep. You two will work it out, I know it.” She told me confidently. “Night, buddy. I’m serious, get some sleep.”
“I will.” I told her seriously. “Night Meg.”
I walked half way down the stairs and stopped when I hear her talking to herself.
(Riley’s Point of view)
“Why can’t I say it?” I said out loud. “Josh, I love you. I love you. That sounds stupid.” I can say it when he’s not here. I can pretend he’s here but he’s really not. I can see us together forever. “Josh, I love you. I love you so much it scares me.” That was when I heard him.
“Riley, why are you afraid?” He asked me. I had no idea he had been sitting there listening to me talk to myself. He must think I’m a complete idiot.
I wasn’t sure he was mad at me for not saying it to him or if he felt bad because I was afraid. “Because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I mean, in my dreams, I see us getting married. I see us having three kids and living in this house forever. I see the guys over here throwing us a wedding anniversary party. I see it all.” He was next to me now. Listening intently. I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about. He kept nodding. “Jace, I love you. I do, I really love you. And I know it hurt when I never told you, but do you know how much it hurt me? I felt all the right things but was too afraid to let it out.”
I was crying into his chest now. He pulled me to him after I finished everything I had to finally let out. “Riley, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you were afraid. I’m so sorry.” It was really late but we made up. We were happy now. We walked back upstairs again and finally it went right. “Riley?”
“Yes.” I said softly again.
“I love you.” He said with his arms around me.
“I love you too.” I let out a sigh and a bright smile danced across my face. His too. He kissed me on the lips gently and then he let go.
“Let’s go to bed.” He said, yawning.
“Ok,” I said while crawling to my side. Now our bed wouldn’t feel so lonely. It had both of us in it. I kissed his cheek before I rolled to my side and fell asleep. That was probably the most rewarding night of my life.
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