25. It's ok to bleed during play.

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time out.

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares?

17. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over.

16. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at!

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Everyone can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing!

12. Because of the facemask, nothing can get in your eyes!

11. You always know how big the stick is

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. When you're tired you're supposed to get off and let a buddy take your place.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...

1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

Quotes

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show. 

The Beer Prayer
 
  Our lager,
  Which art in barrels,
  Hallowed be thy drink,
  Thy will be drunk,
  (I will be drunk),
  At home as I am in the tavern.
  Give us this day our foamy head,
  And forgive us our spillages,
  As we forgive those who spill against us,
  and lead us not to incarceration,
  But deliver us from hangovers,
  For thine is the beer,
  The bitter and the lager,
  Forever and ever,
  Barmen.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Four hockey fans are mountain climbing. Each climber happens to be a rabid fan of a different NHL team. As they climb higher & higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular team.

Finally, as they reach the summit, the climber from Vancouver takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain yelling, "This is for the Vancouver Canucks!"

Not wanting to be outdone, the climber from Toronto throws himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs!"

Seeing this, the Edmonton climber walks to the edge of the cliff and yells, "This is for the Edmonton Oilers" and pushes the guy from Calgary off the cliff.

True remarks from Sports Commentators:

And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing! (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)  

Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him. (NZ rugby commentator)

This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.(Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. (Winston Bennett)

The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players to balance things up and give the team some brains and common sense. (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother. (Greg Norman)

Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious. (Alan Minter)

  Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

 Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.(Metro Radio)

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer. (David Acfield)

One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.........Oh my God! What have I just said?!?!? (US golf commentator)

A TRUE CANADIAN

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"

The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral.”  

50 COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN

  One for the men....

  1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

  2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

  3. Your last name stays put.

  4. The garage is all yours.

  5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

  6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

  7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

  8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

  9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

  10. Same work ... more pay.

  11. Wrinkles-add character.

  12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

  13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

  14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

  15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

  16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

  17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

  18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"

  19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

  20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

  21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

  22. You can open all your own jars.

  24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

  25. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

  26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

  27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.

  28. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

  29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

  30. Everything on your face stays its original color.

  31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

  32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

  33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

  34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking ''He must be mad at me.

  35. No maxi-pads.

  36. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

  37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

  38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

  39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

  40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

  41. You almost never have strap problems in public.

  42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

  43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

  44. You don't have to shave below your neck.

  45. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

  46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

  47. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

  48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

  49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

  50. The world is your urinal.

Hockey Jokes Page Two