Reflection

by Umi

October 2001

Disclaimer: Hisoka, Tsuzuki, and all Yami no Matsuei characters belong to Yoko Matsushita, not me! I'm not making any money off of this! ;)

WARNING: This fic contains shounen-ai, which is male/male love! So, if ya can't stand the stuff, please just don't read this fic!

Note: This fic has spoilers for the Yami no Matsuei anime, specifically episodes #1-6, the "Nagasaki Arc" and the "Devil's Trill Arc." Please read with caution!


"Don't look at me with such kindness,
My heart starts to stir...

I wanted to see you, so I found my way,
But a person who is next to you is...
You give off smiles innocently without harm.
You don't know my painful heart...

I couldn't have said 'I love you' since I met you,
I have grieved over my heart.
You aren't conscious of it forever,
And you have other dreams..."
-Touma Yumi, "Alone"

Minase Hijiri.

Guilt, horror, sorrow, pain, fear... Hijiri is drowning in all of these emotions. I know, because I can feel them... I can feel what's in his heart...

That's my gift-- and my curse-- after all...

I know how guilty he feels about not being able to protect such an innocent girl like Kazusa. I know that sometimes he wishes that it was him whose life was lost instead of her... I know how horrified he is about how an evil demon like Sargatanas can exist in a world which he used to believe to be pure... I know the sorrow he felt when he believed that he was worthless, that he didn't deserve to live. I felt the pain when he first touched that knife and slit his own throat with it... I felt his fear of what monster he was becoming when Sargatanas was a part of him...

I shiver.

But... in spite of all these emotions-- or maybe because of them-- Hijiri feels one emotion so strongly that it gives him the strength to carry on, the strength to live...

He feels love.

Despite all the pain he's gone through, he still allowed himself to trust someone... to fall in love with someone...

He loves Tsuzuki.

He loves him so much...

When he looks at Tsuzuki, his eyes shine with warmth, with compassion, with gentleness, with happiness.

Sometimes I could swear that his green eyes full of love for Tsuzuki...

Were reflections of my own.

I sigh softly.

It's just uncanny how similar Hijiri and I look. He's like my twin, in so many ways... When I see him, it's like I'm watching another me. He loves Tsuzuki... maybe as much as I... as I...

I shake my head.

Sometimes, I envy Hijiri. I guess I wish that I was more like him. He's so open and honest with Tsuzuki, with his own feelings. He's true to his own heart...

After all, he told Tsuzuki that he loves him...

I don't think I could do the same.

I can't tell Tsuzuki how I feel because I... I guess I'm afraid... of getting hurt. 

I'm not strong like Hijiri is.

I keep replaying that moment in my head when Hijiri confessed his feelings to Tsuzuki. It seemed so surreal then, like it was a dream, like I was watching myself tell Tsuzuki that I love him...

But it wasn't a dream.

It was all too real.

Hijiri's words of love were what saved Tsuzuki that night. I'm sure of it. Somehow, Hijiri was able to pierce through the darkness enveloping Tsuzuki when he was being controlled by Sargatanas. Somehow he got through to Tsuzuki, to his heart. Hijiri's love was so strong that it made Tsuzuki realize that people care about him, no matter what sins from his past still haunt him. Hijiri's love gave Tsuzuki the strength to fight Sargatanas and finally destroy him.

I've never believed that love could be so powerful...

But, I guess I was wrong.

True love conquered all.

Hijiri's love, that is...

I close my eyes softly.

I know I should be glad that Hijiri saved Tsuzuki. I am. But, even so, I... I guess I'm just sad... that is was Hijiri instead of me.

I wish it was me who saved him. I wish it was my voice that got through to Tsuzuki. I wish it was my words of love that made him realize that he's not alone. 

I wish it was my love that Tsuzuki returned...

I know Tsuzuki loves Hijiri back. I can feel it in his heart... I can feel how much Tsuzuki wants-- no, needs-- to protect Hijiri, to keep him safe... I can feel how much Tsuzuki wants to help Hijiri with his guilt, his sorrow, his pain... I can feel how much Tsuzuki admires Hijiri for trying to be so strong in spite all that has happened to him... I can feel how much Tsuzuki wants to cradle Hijiri in his arms and comfort him in a warm, gentle embrace....

I can feel how strong Tsuzuki's feelings are for Hijiri...

I can feel it so much...

So much that it hurts.

Before we met Hijiri, I was actually starting to believe that maybe... just maybe... Tsuzuki was falling in love with me.

After all, he was so kind to me when we first met, even though I was so cold to him...

He took care of me when I was sick. I remember that time so vividly. He thought I was sleeping, but I was merely resting my eyes. I could feel how his hand softly brushed my face, making me more warm than the fever I was suffering from. He was so gentle, caring so much about me, even though he barely knew me...

And there was that time when Muraki used me as bait to lure Tsuzuki to him... I felt so helpless, unable to break free of the magic that chained me to my deathbed, unable to break free of the dark images of the past that Muraki drowned me in... All I felt was pain... slow, agonizing pain... The pain of death, the pain of remembrance, the pain of being left alone...

But then, an angel saved me.

Tsuzuki... 

A single cherry blossom falls into the palm of my hand. I look up at the beautiful trees majestically hovering above me. A slight wind caresses the branches of the trees, spilling pink petals to the ground. I wrap my fingers around the blossom, careful not to crush it, but longing to touch its softness...

Tsuzuki risked his own life to save mine.

Before Tsuzuki, I never believed that my life was worth anything... I never believed that my life was worth saving... I never believed that my life was worth living...

Before Tsuzuki... my life wasn't worth anything. 

Before I met Tsuzuki, I never knew what love was... 

All I knew was hate, fear, cruelty, and darkness... 

People had never been kind to me...

Never.

But now that I'm a Shinigami, I have met all of these kind people...

People who don't hate me because of my powers, because I am different... People who aren't scared of me, believing that I am some kind of demon or monster... People who can find it in their hearts to love me for who I am...

People who understand me...

Maybe that's another thing that Hijiri and I have in common...

We were both hated because of some dark power inside of us, but we managed to find people who truly care about us despite that.

We managed to find love...

Even if mine is unrequited.

Just as I open my palm, a strong wind suddenly blows, taking with it the cherry blossom. 

Even though I may have once thought that Tsuzuki is so caring to me because he loves me... I know now that's not true. Tsuzuki is kind to everyone, caring about everyone he meets. He's so trusting, believing in everyone, never one to make judgments about someone before getting to truly know who they are inside.

Tsuzuki is the kindest, most gentle person I have ever met. His heart is so beautiful, so innocent, so pure... despite the pain he's been through, despite the darkness that constantly plagues him, despite the sins of his past...

Or maybe even because of them.

He truly is an angel.

An angel who has suffered so much, but is able to transcend pain... An angel who never lets his own heart heavy with sin, with pain, hurt others... An angel who takes other lost, hurt souls under his wings... An angel who would do anything to protect the ones he loves... An angel whose light always shines in the midst of darkness... 

A beautiful angel who can fly with broken wings.

A soft whisper escapes my lips. My words are carried by the wind to the sky above.

"Aishiteru, Tsuzuki."

"Even though you may not feel the same."

"Even though it hurts."

A single tear falls onto the palm of my hand.

A soft pressure on my shoulder. What? I hesitantly look up and see the most handsome face I've ever seen.

"Tsuzuki..."

"Hisoka... Are you all right?" He reaches out and softly brushes away the tears from my eyes.

"Um..." I manage to mutter. Did he hear what I said earlier? Please no... "Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm just fine."

Tsuzuki smiles softly. "Ah... Hisoka... Do you miss Hijiri?"

I blink. "Hijiri?" Oh, he probably thinks that is why I'm crying... "Ha... hai..." That's not a lie. I do miss Hijiri. Of course, that isn't what I was thinking about... So, that's not exactly the truth either...

"Me too." Tsuzuki removes his hand from my shoulder, and I instantly miss the warmth of that simple, innocent touch... He crosses his arms behind his back, sighing. "Hijiri has been gone for so long!" He pouts adorably.

I resist the urge to giggle. "I know."

"I just... I just wish that we didn't have to say goodbye to him..." Tsuzuki stared up at the sky, a distant, wistful look in his eyes.

I tear my gaze away from him. I can't bear to see him so torn by pain... for Hijiri... "Tsuzuki... You know that he can't stay with us. He has his own life to live. You can't be so selfish..."

Amethyst eyes narrowed slightly. "Hisoka... You can be so cold sometimes."

An arrow struck through my heart. Tsuzuki... "I... I'm..." I force myself to scowl. "I'm just saying the truth. If you want to live in your fantasy world and deny reality, you can, but I can't. I know that Hijiri won't be back and I'm going to do my best to move on."

Tsuzuki's eyes flashed with anger. "So, are you saying that we should just forget about him? Just forget that we ever met him so that we can go on with our meaningless lives?!"

I can feel his anger, and that feeling, along with his accusations, makes my temper rise. "What I'm saying is that your life isn't meaningless! What I'm saying is that there is still so much for you here, that there are still so many people who love you here! You can't just forget about them all!"

Tsuzuki froze. 

I turn away from him. It hurts too much. It hurts too much to be arguing with him over Hijiri... It hurts too much to know that he's thinking about Hijiri... It hurts too much to think that he can't move on... without Hijiri...

Strong arms wrap around me. 

What...

"I will never forget you, Hisoka."

My eyes widen. "Tsuzuki..."

"I haven't forgotten you, or what you mean to me... I care about you too much to do that."

I hold my breath, trying to make sense of what he's saying, of what I'm feeling with his arms around me... Trying to make sense of anything...

"I miss Hijiri... a lot... But, it doesn't mean that I don't love what I have now. I'm sorry if I made you think that..."

"I... I'm sorry too, Tsuzuki. I didn't mean to be so insensitive about the subject. I know you have to grieve because you had to say goodbye to someone you... love... very much."

Maybe I shouldn't have said that... Maybe I don't want to know if Tsuzuki really does love Hijiri... Maybe I do know, but I don't want to hear him say it...

A chuckle.

His arms release their hold on me. I shrug off my disappointment in losing that warm touch and turn to face him. "What's so funny?" I scowl.

He grins. "Ne, Hisoka, are you... jealous?" Amethyst eyes glittered with amusement.

"Wh... what? No! I'm not!" I desperately hope that my cheeks aren't as flushed as I think they are right now...

Tsuzuki places a hand on his hip. "You are, aren't you? You're jealous of Hijiri and me!"

"Ah... No..." 

"Hisoka... Are you jealous because you think that I love him?"

My eyes become glued to the earth below us. I just can't look at him right now... I just can't.

"Maybe... Maybe I am..."

"Hisoka..."

"I am jealous, because I... I..."

Wide jade eyes meet soft amethyst.

"I love you, Tsuzuki."

His eyes widen. He seems surprised by the sincerity of my words. 

A soft silence fills the air. The wind slows and finally stills as the last cherry blossom falls to the ground. 

Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Maybe I should just take back what I said. Maybe I can't be honest and open like Hijiri. Maybe I just can't say how I feel like Hijiri... Maybe I don't deserve to love Tsuzuki like Hijiri does... 

Maybe I don't deserve to love anyone...

I lower my face, hoping he can't see the tears beginning to form in my eyes. 

A soft pressure on my chin lifts my face up to meet his. Tsuzuki rests his forehead on mine. I melt in his amethyst gaze. Soft lips meet mine in a gentle, tender kiss. I shut my eyes, drowning in the sweet sensation. 

I don't want this moment to end, because it may be all I will ever have of heaven... 

He pulls away, and smiles sweetly at me. I can feel my cheeks burning, and I just stare at him, questioning.

"Hisoka... I do love Hijiri."

It hurts to fall down from heaven. 

"Ah... I understand..."

"I love him because... I see you in him."

"Tsuzuki..." 

"When I see him... it's like I'm staring into a reflection of you."

"But..."

"I know that he's different than you. I know that he's his own person. But, when I see him, I can't help but be reminded of you. It's more than just the physical. At first, Hijiri wasn't willing to let me help him with his pain... He wanted to shut me out with the rest of the world that he despised so much. But, he slowly learned that there is still kindness in this world. He was able to trust someone again, to love someone again..."

The wind begins to blow again, softly.

"Hisoka... Hijiri is just like you. You were cold and cynical at first, not wanting any help, not wanting anyone in your life... But, in the time that I've known you... You've changed. You've grown. In fact, you are still changing even now... You're becoming more and more beautiful each day."

"Tsuzuki."

"You're learning how to trust someone, how to love someone... Hisoka..." I stare into beautiful orbs of amethyst. "I think I fell in love with Hijiri... because I love you."

"Wh..."

A soft smile. "It's funny how things work out. I fell in love with Hijiri, and it made me realize the truth-- that my heart belongs to you."

"Tsuzuki..."

"I've always loved you, Hisoka. The first time we met... I felt something. I knew then that you were special, that you were someone who I wanted to learn more about, someone who I wanted to open my heart to... Hisoka..."

He takes my hand in his and holds it gently.

"I will always love you... I want to protect you and be with you for the rest of eternity... You are my light in a world filled with darkness... You are my angel in a world where no one dares to fly..."

Tears began welling up in my eyes once again.

"You are my dream come true."

"Tsuzuki!" I wrap my arms around him in a tight embrace. "I love you so much..."

A grin. "So, you don't have to be jealous anymore, ne, Hisoka?"

A blush. "Baka!"

"Well, I wouldn't want you to keep pining from jealousy every time someone falls in love with me. It's not my fault that I'm such an attractive, caring, perfect guy..."

I frown. "You wish, Tsuzuki."

We smile at each other.

The wind carries a single cherry blossom over our heads. I reach out my hand and catch it. This time...

I'm not going to let it go.

~Owari~