Death To Osama

Deep Inside The Al-Qaida Network

by Al Kahallik, staff reporter

We all know what these scumbags have done over the last several years to bring terror to innocent people around the globe. Attacks on the USS Cole. Bombing two US embassies in Africa. The devastating attacks on America on September 11.

But what makes these douchbags tick? How can a clan of scrawny Islamic Fundamentalists led by a gangly shithead named Osama bin Laden be led down a path of destruction. Right before we showed these lowly dirt devils the awesome power of America, I snuck into Afghanistan and posed as an Islamic student eager to learn the ways of Al-Qaida. And now I understand why these people want to die.

I began my initiation into Al-Qaida by spending two hours locked in a closet with 68 children from various Arab nations. We would all recite the Koran over and over. And trust me, you have never smelled something so foul as a closet full of Arabs. After two hours had passed we were let out and given a meal of dirt and goat piss.

After lunch, we recited the Koran over and over again but this time in front of a Mullah. Anytime one of the kids would fuck up a line, the Mullah would walk over and kick the kid in the balls. At first I felt bad for these kids, but after getting to know them, I was glad when they got kicked. These little punks would talk about how they couldn't wait until they were old enough to blow themselves up. I would intentionally make them mess up so they would get one right in the nuts.

After a few more hours of reciting the Koran, my class had graduated to the next level. We were now learning combat training. Combat training consisted of blind folding all of us and throwing us in the middle of a field. As we stumbled around out there, the Mullahs would take pot shots at us with stolen Russian assault rifles. We lost nine students the first five minutes, but in a way I was kind of glad. This went on for about a half hour until they ran out of bullets. When combat training was complete there was only 12 students left, including myself.

We were now ready for the next level of the Al-Qaida . . . goat humping. After reading the Koran for an hour, we would all have to run into the hallway and line up. The Head Mullah would walk past us leading a goat. He would suddenly stop in front of one of the students and pull his pants down and yell out "Goat Humpy! Goat Humpy!" over and over again. The other Mullahs would join in, shouting themselves hoarse. Finally they would force the kid to get down and hump the goat. If one resisted doing this, the Mullahs would get very aggitated and hold the kid down and let the goat hump him.

When it came to my turn I figured a way out. I told them it was obvious that the goat was Jewish, therefor I could not place my Islamic Fundamentalist tool inside of it for fear of offending Allah. The Mullahs all looked puzzled then started to converse among themselves. They studied the goat for a while nodding in agreement, then suddenly lashed out screaming "Allah Akbar" as they beat the goat to death with their fists. The first 3 kids who either had humped or been humped by the goat were declared to be infidels for having sex with a Jewish goat and were sentenced to death by hanging.

We then spent another hour locked in the closet reading the Koran to purifiy ourselves. I tell you, even though it was now only eight students plus myself, the smell could still strip the paint off of a dump truck. Then the Mullah's let us out and led us to a beat up pick-up truck. That's the last thing I remember before being clunked over the head. I awoke later on in the back of the truck as it zoomed along a narrow mountain road. The other eight students were all in there too, either still knocked out or dazed from the blow to the coconut. My head was killing me.

The truck then came to a screeching halt in front of the mouth of a huge cave. The three Mullah's who were driving got out and motioned for us to gather around them. The head Mullah spoke, "Today, you will face your final test before you become soldiers for Al-Qaida. But first, you shall meet the supreme leader. Yes, put your hands together people, it's Mr. Wonderful himself . . . the one . . . the only . . . Osama bin Laden!" A lanky shadow emerged through a haze of smoke and colored lights from the cave. "Hello, my friends! Is everybody ready to die?" he shouted out. The boneheads I schooled with all cheered with delight. "All righty then! Here is a dynamite belt for each of you." the evil Osama said to us handing out the explosives. "Okeydokey! Now I want everyone to put one on and run over to that field out there and blow themselves up." The Mullah's started doing the dogpound chant as every single one of the lunatics I was in class with ran out into the field and blasted themselves into oblivion. I stood there watching in disbelief as Osama and the Mullah's hooted and hollered at each exploding student.

When there was no classmates left Osama looked down at me and asked, "I have just given you your instructions, and you failed to follow them. That is an act that desecrates all that is held sacred by me." He pulled a rusty Russian AK-47 from under his robe. I figured this was it. But thankfully he turned the gun on the Mullah's and opened fire. I hit the deck as the bullets ripped through the smelly old Mullahs. Osama blew the smoke from the barrel of the gun and looked down at me. "I hold them responsible for your insubordination", he said, "They should have learned you better." He then walked towards the cave and motioned for me to follow. "Come with me." he called out, "Before I kill you for crimes against Allah, I would like you to join me for lunch. I hardly ever get any company up here in the mountains."

We entered the cave. Yes, the sercet mountain hide out. My imagination reeled with what lay inside. Osama pulled back a curtain and said, "Welcome to my palace." Some palace. There was two old, yellow vinyl beanbag chairs, a flickering black and white TV hooked up to a generator, and stacks and stacks of old Hustler magazines. The rest of the cave was crammed full of explosives and rifles. Osama motioned for me to sit on one of the chairs. He then pulled out a bag of Cheez Doodles from his robe and began eating them like a pig. He grabbed a handful and tossed them over to me. When he had finished the bag, he stood up and looked down on me. I was gigling because he had that orange Cheez Doodle crud all over his beard. "You laugh at death? How dare you, you infidel!" he shouted. He pulled the rifle from under his robe. "Before I kill you, do you have any last words?"

I tried to stop laughing but it was now uncontrolable. Osama was getting pissed. "I command you to tell me what in the name of Mohamed is so funny?" he demanded. "Go look in the mirror!" I blurted out between guffaws. He then scrounged around the floor until he picked up a piece of a broken mirror. At first he scowled, then he smiled and let out a little chuckle. He looked over at me and pointed to his beard saying, "Boy, I really look silly now!" Then he looked back into the mirror and started laughing out loud. Soon both of us were rolling around on the floor laughing like idiots.

I knew this was my only chance to get away. As Osama bent over laughing I grabbed the towel on his head and pulled it over his eyes. I quickly swung my foot back and blasted him in the yambag. He looked like something from a 3 Stooges movie, jumping up and down howling in Arabic and trying to pull the diaper off his head.

I then kicked him square in the nuts again and said "That's for Towers, you scumbag!" I then proceeded to kick him in the balls one time for every innocent life he destroyed on September 11th. When I was finally finished, Osama lay on the floor motionless and groaning in agony. I noticed that his nuts had swollen up so large, it looked like he was hiding two basketballs under his robe.

I lit up a cigarette and headed for the exit, but as I got to the front of the cave, I heard Osama groan, "I should have known you were an American. You people never do what you're told!" I stopped and spun around and stomped back over to the scumbag, "That's right!" I screamed in his face, "Americans don't do what they're told. Americans do what they want! God bless America!" I then grabbed a stick of dynamite from one of the many crates of explosives lying around, and shoved it right up Osama's ass. I touched the head of my Marlboro to the fuse and ran like a motherfucker!

As I ran off to the Uzbekistan border, I heard a loud, thunderous explosion off in the distance behind me. And you know, it might have been the blast echoing off the mountains, but I swear I heard the sound of 3,014 people clapping.

........................................Detonate the bomb to return to homepage.