And He's Not French Either!

(The assorted broken bodies of the Science Club members lie about in the mess that was the Science Club Room at Ohtori Academy.  Sanji is on the dissection table - tied down - yet again.) 

[Can never tie down Sanji too many times after all.]

(He moans.)

Sanji (moaning): Stupid asthma attack…

(Sanji's one good eye flutters open and he sees a vision in rose.)

Sanji (gushing): I'm in paradise.  Oh beautiful angel - how might I serve you in the kingdom of heaven?

Anthy (standing next to the table): Did you do this? (she gestures to the random bodies in the room)

Sanji (turns his head from side to side and takes in the destruction): Yes.  (thinks for a moment before continuing)  But if that displeases you, then I most certainly did not.

(Anthy's eyeglasses flash ominously.)

Anthy: That most definitely does not displease me.

Sanji (heart in his one good eye): Would you like me to hit them some more?

Anthy: That won't be necessary.

(She turns away from the dissection table and casually pushes the body of a Science Club member off of the lab bench.  She picks up a mortar and pestle and begins grinding the contents of the bowl.)

Sanji: Er, miss?  Would you unstrap me from the table please?

Anthy: No.

Sanji: Um.  Alright then. (sniffs) Well, the old man was wrong.  Smoking doesn't ruin my sense of taste or my sense of smell.  That's curry powder, isn't it?

Anthy (not turning around): Yes it is.

Sanji: If you're hungry, you need only untie me, most beautiful lady, and I will prepare you a feast unlike anything you have -

Anthy: Cut the chatter, limey.

Sanji: Limey?  Excuse me, but I don't understand -

Anthy: The stench of smoke that clings to you like bad aftershave, the 'this is my first suit out of uni' suit and blue pinstripe ensemble that is requisite of your generation, and your overwhelming desire to cook food that doesn't suck; you're British.  I would be able to pick you out a mile away. (muttering to herself) I wouldn't be surprised if you were wearing Union Jack boxers.

(A thousand fan girls pray that it's so - but no one can hear their prayers - in the Smut Garden.)

Sanji: You don't think I'm French?

(Without turning around, Anthy gestures at the bodies in the room.)

Anthy: The French can't do that.

Sanji (tears forming in his one good eye): Thank you!  Thank you!  Finally!  Someone acknowledges that I'm not French!

===============

(Somewhere else.  The mentally sick bushido duo are confused.)

Saionji: How the heck did we get to Toys R' Us?

(Saionji and Zoro are standing in the middle of the Barbie aisle.  Parents very carefully herd their daughters away from the men with the swords.)

Zoro (takes sword out of his mouth): Well, the author might be here.

Saionji: I'm certain that Honou does not have a Toys R' Us!  In fact, I don't even remember how we got here.  One minute we were running out of the Mysterious Forest that No One is Supposed to Enter behind the School and then we were here.  How did we miss the entire campus?

Zoro (shrugs): Dunno. 

Saionji: You're impossible, you know that?  And you're making me TENSE!  I was doing so well before you and your friends showed up!

Zoro (soothingly): You haven't taken your medication today, have you?

Saionji: Stop lording that over me!

===============

(In the Mysterious Forest that No One is Supposed to Enter behind the School, Akio is following a wire.)

Akio: I have to get my paranoid communications center back on line or I won't know what is going on with my car! I have to know what's going on with my car!

(A few steps further along and the wire leaps suddenly upwards.  Akio is now at the foot of the stairs to the Castle of Illusions.  A wire has been spliced into the main cable.  It appears to go up to the dueling arena.)

Akio: That Dios!  I told him that if he wants cable, he can pay for it himself.  Oh! (stamps his foot in frustration)  He is going to get it from me!

(Akio's lightening quick reflexes saves him from getting hit by a spitball from above.  Tinny laughter echoes through the Mysterious Forest that No One is Supposed to Enter behind the Schoo1.)

Akio: What the!  (looks up) Hey you! Kid! Get down from there!

(Usopp, Luffy, and ChuChu are lying near the edge of the Duelling Arena, trying to hit passerbys with small objects, such as one berii coins and spitballs.)

Usopp: Good try.  Almost had him with that one.

ChuChu (disappointed): Chu.

Luffy (peers off the side of the arena): Uh-oh.  I think he's the owner.

Usopp: I'll deal with it. 

(Usopp whips out his slingshot. Akio's lightening fast reflexes fail him and he gets smacked in the head.  The pellet sticks in his forehead right at the caste mark. He raises his fist and shakes it at those up on the Dueling Arena.)

Akio: Damn kids!

ChuChu (thoughtfully): Chu.

Usopp: He doesn't usually sound as crotchety as that?

Luffy: Get used to it, Cousin ChuChu.  He's being spammed.  As will you, I'm sure.

ChuChu (shrugs): Chu. (points up) Chu.

Usopp (shades his eyes and looks at the Castle of Illusions): Up there?  I don't know.  I think the crotchety old man doesn't want us to go up there.

ChuChu: Chu.

Luffy: You don't give a flyin' flirp fwap what he thinks?  What the heck is flirp fwap?

ChuChu: Chu.  Chu chu chu.

Luffy: That's cool.  I want to make up swear words too.

===============

(On the Student Council balcony. Touga and Shanks are hanging out until Akio is done with whatever he does in the observatory. They have decided to kill time in the only way Touga knows how.)

Touga: I would hardly say this is the only way I kill time.  It's just one of the only ways I know that involves me being fully dressed.

Shanks (watching Touga shuffle): You don't mind being the dealer?

Touga: Nope.

Shanks: Every single time?

Touga (shuffling): 'Sokay by me.

Shanks: Good.  So what do we play? How about poker? 

Touga (leering): Everyday.

Shanks (leering back): I like you, kid.  You're sick.  Whaddaya wanna play?

Touga: I only know two games.

Shanks (hopefully): Is Blackjack one of them?

Touga: Go Fish and Old Maid.

Shanks (rolls his eyes): I should have figured.  Well then, to make this interesting, let's play for stakes.  What do you have to bet?  Any treasure?

Touga: How about my jacket?  Buttons fall off and it's always popping open, exposing my manly chest.  This makes it one of my most valued possessions.

Shanks (represses urge to snort at Touga referring to his chest as 'manly'): I have a perfectly good shirt that does the exact same thing.  How about that ring?

Touga: My dueling ring?  The ring that signifies my path to world domination? (shrugs) What the hey.

===============

Random Quote Analysis:
So that's the plan?  Nuke the psycho?  How original. - Haiyami, Blue Sub. No. 6

Sanji (wistfully): I wish we had nukes.
Zoro: It would make the fights go so much faster.
Sanji: Yes! Imagine all that time we would save!  We could have gotten to Alabasta so much quicker!  Usopp would load it into the cannon and BOOM! Bye, bye Little Garden, see you later Drum Rockies, don't mess with us!
Zoro: And the nuclear fall-out would only be a small inconvenience in comparison.
Sanji: That's right!  Nuclear fall-out isn't that ….hey, you're making fun of me, aren't you?
Zoro: No.  Why would you think that?
Sanji (suspicious): No reason, I guess.
(Zoro snickers when Sanji isn't looking.)

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Terms Explained
The author likes to tie things up, especially pirates.
Sanji isn't French.  He's about as English as an English person can be.  In my warped twisted world anyway.