**Hints**
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: The sound of a lap tops hard drive spinning.
Today we did quite the little awesome trick. MAN, that snow fort friggin exploded into some weird cantelopes. What were those damn elves thinking? They might have neurosis. Why eat big bites of metal when one could simply lick an elf's soul? We will definitely not get reperations for this one.

( Co written by Kate Wilder, and me, Ben Smith. Bitches)

It is with sore feet...
That I take my steps today. It turns out that night shift work sucks... I can hardly type right now, my mind is numb, and my body hurts. Oh, and McDonalds coffee sucks the nut. I miss her, but its to be expected. I just hope she knows I love her. These things aside, I'm glad with the change of scenery. And its nice to get to hang out with a different crew. Not that there was anything wrong with the old one. But repetition makes the heart grow weary. So does night shift. Peace.

Big City Lights in my Eyes (haha)
Now Playing: Leper Messiah - Metal-lica
Today I set my sights on the big city lights, and my feet on the soil that I have called home for over 3/4 of my life. In times of such quick change everything seems surreal. Regardless, I move forward.

A hard day.
Now Playing: She's like a rainbow
Today she left, I am just getting back from the air port. There were almost too many tears to even think about. Last night while we were laying in her bed for the last time a feeling of weight took over my heart. It was possibly the oddest sensation I've ever experienced. For a time I felt hollow, despite her not even having left yet. As a tear came to my eye we embraced, and I realized I really had to let her go. Her soft skin and beautiful eyes would no longer be mine to enjoy, to look forward to. I knew I would have to let her go someday, but no one can prepare for letting go of that kind of love. Alas, we did make sure the other knew how we felt, and I am thankful for that. In fact, I am thankful for the opportunity to love her, to let her know I love her, and to be loved by her in return.
And now I must look to the future, albeit with a heavy heart. I fear I am not able to handle what lays before me with out her at my side, but she would not want me to be weak because of her. So I shall not be. As her love made me more then I was, stronger then I was, that I will remain the same.
The closest to my heart you will always be, my love, and always in my thoughts. With open arms you will be greeted when you return, my beautiful Zoë.

Blabber
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Trivium - Pull Harder on the Strings of Your Martyr
Haha, everyone says that will be their last entry. I'm just in a weird mood and feel like putting it to the proverbial paper.

This feeling of not belonging and distance has been a part of me for far too long. I guess it is the side effect of a persons world turning quite upside down. As more and more major influences leave my life, I don't feel as stimulated or inspired by life anymore. Take Matty Levick for example. Though he can be a nasty bastard at times, he's a person I've admired a good portion of my life. His views on life are far different from my own, and it was a wonderful thing, as it made me see things from different angles. That and in my opinion he was just a fun guy. I must admit I miss him terribly. I don't think I ever realized how good that fucked up boy was for everyone.

Or take Alex Hill Stosky. The most approchable, gentle, kind hearted person I'd say I ever met. And talk about a conversationalist. The discussions him and I had changed me forever. I find myself trying to model myself after him in certain ways, as I think he had a lot of the right ideas on life. He to is being missed terribly. Alex was good for people's hearts and souls. Ya can't argue it!

And now with the imminent departure of Zoë, a girl I was ready to give my life to, I feel a lack of direction and purpose in life. Although leaving for only a year, a year is a long time to suddenly have a love just gone. These holes in my soul that people are leaving arn't unfillable, but it will be a long time comming. If I had a backup plan of some sort things would likely be easier, but alas I don't. So respectivly, these holes in my mind, soul, and heart are compounded by a lack of a goal.

Don't get me wrong, fucked though they may be, I still have great friends here, to help me out, though they may not know it. But still, there are times I feel I am in a strange place, surrounded by strangers. It is unsettling to say the least.

No fear. No doubt. Nothing to stop you.
Mood:  happy
The only thing stopping you from doing what you want to do, being what you want to be, and achieving your dreams is yourself. Your doubt in yourself is the greatest enemy you will ever face.

I know its been said, its over done, and most people don't honestly want to hear it. I think it scares alot of people. The idea that they and only they are in control of their life. That you, and you alone, are the only person that can make the things you want to happen happen. But face it. Its true.

One thing that pisses me right off is people who say they can't do something, but have never tried. Its not a lack of ability, its a lack of any real confidence. Its doubt. The greatest killer since the invention of death.

Last night I had a revelation. A friend of mine basically slapped me in the face, and told me to get my head on straight. So I did. And it was honestly just that simple. You never really realize how much you doubt yourself, or how much you fear, untill you let go of those fears and doubts. At least I didn't. But I'm starting to. And it is incredible. What is stopping me from doing what I want to do? Really? Not one fucking thing.

This is going to be my last entry in this wretched excuse for a journal. I'm not good at writing, and, stuff. I just don't like this thing. But yeah. Believe in yourself.. You have more power then you can imagine.

JUMP THE FUCK UP!!!!
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Soulfly - Seek and Strike
AUGH!!!! AUGH!!!! AAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!

I've been on the most rediculous metal binge I could imagine for the last couple of weeks. I don't listen to anything else. Its fucked but I like it. I jump around and thrash like a kitten on the wrong end of 100 volts of electricity every morning. It works better then coffee and cigarettes most days now. The point? No point. I like talking about myself. Why am I explaining myself to you in my own blog? If you got a problem with this shit, go cry about it in your blog!!!!

HERE WE GO!!!! ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER STRIKE!!!!
HERE WE GO!!!! JUMP THE FUCK UP AND FIGHT!!!!

BATTERY!!!!
Now Playing: Guess
Lashing out the action
Returning the reaction
We're gonna rip the door away
Undecided power
Pressing all the cowards
Battery is here to stay

Smashing through the boundrys
Lunacy has found me
Cannot stop the battery

Pounding out aggresion
Turns into obsession
Cannot Kill the Battery

Cannot kill the family
Battery is found in me!

BATTERY!!!

NO TITLES!!!
Now Playing: Powerman 5000 - Super Nova
How does a person make peace with a friend whom has had less luck then yourself, and blames you for it. Like... Think about the kind of corner that puts a person in. Its not like my good fortune was something I had planned on. Its not like I would be willing to turn my back on my good fortune either. No one would, that wouldn't make sense. A true friend should want the best for his friends. But from past events, it doesn't seem like that is the case. I don't know what else to do. And I guess if my misfortune is the only avenue which will alliviate the situation, what am I worth to my friend.

A fear like no other
Now Playing: Metallica - Fight Fire With Fire
Do you know what the problem with being in love is? It could be gone the next day. Just like that. And that scares me more than anything in this world.

I've been thinking alot lately about what it is that draws people to me. I've been, in my opinion, blessed with some sort of charisma that has surrounded me with good people all my life. But how far can charisma take a person? I find myself asking, "what do I really have to give? And I can't come up with anything. What scares me about love is someday the people I love are going to figure that out. What will I be left with? What ever a person with nothing to offer but himself deserves I guess. What that is I don't know, but it scares me to.

Pictures
Now Playing: RJD2
Yeah, I forgot last entry, check this out if yer bored. Pictures?

EasterNerdPokerDrunk
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Some techno or something.
Holy snap. I tied a crazy one on last night. Can't remember the last time I drank so much Corona. I think drinking gives me super online poker powers. I bad mouthed people for hours, and took their money. I had a blast. Certainly a nice change from sitting in a smoky room with rediculously burnt out people. Not that I don't enjoy said sitting, because I love it. But it was nice just to do something different, ya hear?

Word, props go out Carol Forsey for giving me beer and a place to chill last night. Hope everyone had fun doing whatever it was they were doing last night.

Posting!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Rammstein
Suckers! Some one comment and give me an idea for a post.. I sock ut writeing.

Oh yeah, and I might have a job this spring/summer/fall. Right here in town to. That'd be fucking sweet.

Also I want to apologize to Renee for not seeing her this week. Sorry babe, I'll be seeing you soon with a little luck.... again. I suppose that doesn't mean much as its what I said about this week, but I did try. Damn distance.

Also I don't want to apologize to Lewis for giving his OLJ address to Baz. Sucker. No I'm just kidding. I did delete those pictures though buddy.

The Renee entry.
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Metric (Who saw that one comming?)
Again with the lists. But... I'd don't really feel like trying to write an actually entry, as I can't seem to do it anymore. But worry not! Its time to swoon a very special Mrs.Williams with those cool words I had to say.

Why do I love, respect, and will miss Renee when she's a 30 minute drive away?

5. Honesty. Who will say what they think more often then Renee? Not me, thats for fucking sure.

4. Intrigue. Who will say something and then NEVER EVER let you in on it if you missed it or forgot it. There's always something a little more you can take away from Renee, hence, you need to keep comming back.

3. Sarcasm. Funniest girl around. Renee's insights into todays world never fail to make me laugh.

2. Her parts. Enough said. No wait. Actually, yeah.

1. She makes people happy. What else could people want.

Saturday Night Deluxe
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Buckethead
Got good and high last night, havn't posted in a while. I can sum up how I feel and how I've been quite easily.

Fell in love with a girl
Fell in love once and almost completely
Shes in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
She turns and says "Are you alright?"
I said "I must be fine cause my hearts still beating"
She says "Come and kiss me by the riverside yeah bobby says its fine he dont consider it cheating now"

Red hair with a curl
Mellow roll for the flavor and the eyes for peeping
Cant keep away from the girl
These two sides of my brain need to have a meeting
Cant think of anything to do yeah
My left brain knows that all love is fleeting
Shes just looking for something new yeah
I said it once before but it bears repeating now!

Fell in love with a girl
Fell in love once and almost completely
Shes in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
She turns and says "Are you alright?"
I said "I must be fine cause my hearts still beating"
She says "Come and kiss me by the riverside yeah bobby says its fine he dont consider it cheating now"