I flicked the switch on the wall and the large hotel room was filled
with soft light. I walked to the bed where my bag already lay and set my
purse down next to it. A.J. followed closely behind me and sat down on the
other bed. I dug through my bag and pulled out a change of clothes.
"Don't go anywhere," I told A.J. softly. He winked, and we both
smiled. I walked into the bathroom and shut the door.
I quickly changed out of my nice clothes into blue boxers and a soft,
white cotton tank top. I splashed my face with cold water and then toweled
it off. I took my hair out of its bun and let it cascade down my back in
soft waves. I stared at my reflection in the mirror for a brief moment and
willed it not to let me make a complete fool out of myself.
I swung the door open and saw A.J. sprawled out on one of the beds
with his eyes closed. I walked over to the bed and leaned over until my nose
was only about three inches from his.
"Boo," I said, and he jumped. I shook my head, and my hair fell from
behind my shoulders to land on his face.
"That tickles!" he shouted. He then suddenly grew very silent and
stared at me. His brown eyes - pools of liquid chocolate - grew very wide.
"What?" I asked, backing away, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.
"Your hair," he breathed. "I've never seen anything like it."
"Of course you have," I said shortly. "Don't try to flatter me, pal,
'cause it isn't gonna work." I turned around and put my things back in the
bag on the other bed. I turned around to face him again.
"No, seriously," he said earnestly, sitting up. "It's beautiful."
"Well, it's usually straight. It's only wavy now because I had it
up."
"No, no! Don't apologize!" He slid backwards on the bed so his
knees were bent, feet up on the bed, and his elbows leaning on his knees.
"I thought you were falling asleep on me there," I said, approaching
him.
He grinned. "Well, I was trying to re-energize myself before you got
back. I somehow got the feeling this would be a pretty long night."
I smirked. "Oh yeah?" I took a step toward him. "Don't get any
ideas, lover boy." With that, I punched him softly in the stomach and hopped
onto the bed next to him. I sat cross-legged facing him and studied his face.
It was the first time I had a good look at him in decent lighting.
His hair was brown, but still had reddish tints to it, probably from his last
dye job. It was relatively long, maybe an inch or two, and it was sticking
up, spiky, from his head. He had a thin moustache that connected to his
small goatee. His eyes were beautiful without sunglasses covering them, for
once; and his lips were turned upward in a small smile. He looked almost
exactly like I had seen him in that concert that got shown on pay per view,
except that he was wearing different clothes, of course.
He wore a sleeveless black shirt with a silver design down the front
and very dark, baggy blue jeans. He had on tennis shoes before getting up on
the bed - now his feet were covered by socks. His sunglasses were perched on
top of his head, making his hair stick up in many interesting directions.
I giggled and ruffled his hair around the glasses.
"Hey!" he growled. He covered his head with his hands, trying in
vain to protect himself from my onslaught of his hair. He stuck out his
lower lip and pouted.
"Aww," I laughed. "Poor baby." I sat back again and watched him try
to make himself presentable again.
"Don't worry, babe. You look cute," I declared.
"Just cute?" He placed his hand on his chest and pretended to be
offended.
I raised an eyebrow. "What do you want me to say?" He grinned. "On
second thought, don't answer that question!" I laughed, then sighed. "How
can you still be single when you're rich and famous, and...well...look at
you!"
He gave me a wide smile, but it quickly faded. "That's just the
thing, Becky. It's the money. People see me not as AJ, but as a Backstreet
Boy with a new album coming out and a new source of cash. It's hard."
I felt a small tug at the back of my conscience. It said to me,
whatever he's been through, I've been though worse. But I put it behind me
and placed my hand on his arm in sympathy.
He continued. "I've been through pain, heartbreak even." His deep
voice rasped more than usual, and he wouldn't look directly at me. "But I
know that love will find me when it's ready."
"Of course it will," I murmured. I removed my hand from his arm and
stood up. I looked around uneasily, searching for something to do that would
give me an excuse to get away from AJ. It's not that he was making me
uncomfortable; in fact, I had never felt so happy or at ease with someone.
But I was afraid I was letting myself get too attached.
"What's wrong?" AJ asked concernedly.
"Nothing," I quickly muttered. "Well," I corrected myself, "that's
not true. AJ, I've been though hard times too, and it's really affected me."
I paced slowly around the room, but stopped suddenly. "I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have brought it up. It's nothing compared to what you've been
through."
"No," he said. "Tell me. Talk to me."
"Are you sure? Because we can just change the subject right now-"
"Yes, I'm sure. I want to hear what you have to say."
I resumed my pacing and crossed my arms tightly across my chest. I
started slowly, "It's really nothing in specific, I guess. I've just had a
history of choosing the wrong person to be with. I've been lied to, cheated
on, beaten. I used to be easily fooled, easily deceived. I would open up my
heart to someone and they'd take advantage of my emotions. I learned that
showing your feelings only makes you weak and vulnerable. Finally I'd just
had enough. Love certainly wasn't doing me any good. I was tired of
spending my nights sobbing to myself, alone, because of what some guy did to
me. This way I could just concentrate on protecting myself from getting hurt
again." I glared at him. "And I'm no different from anyone else who's been
hurt, so I don't need your sympathy. It was a personal decision. I guess if
I ever find the right person, it could change, but I don't think that's gonna
happen for a LONG time. Until then it's no big deal. I can just shut people
out and poof, no pain."
He jumped to his feet and grabbed my shoulders. "No big deal?! Are
you crazy? Please don't say that." His eyes searched mine. "I have trouble
trusting people too, but you have to let people in sometimes."
I wrenched myself free from his grip and walked to the window. I
looked out at the lights of the city spread out below me, a reflection of the
stars that were barely visible through the clouds.
"You don't always have to run, Becky," AJ said quietly from somewhere
behind me.
I whipped around and pinned him with a sharp glare. "Yes, AJ, I do!"
I shouted angrily, though my anger wasn't directed at him. "I always have to
run! The last time I didn't, I opened up my heart and I had it stepped on,
sliced, diced, and eaten for someone's fucking breakfast! Anyone can take
advantage of my feelings. The only way I can protect myself is not to show
any. Especially to someone who could be the wrong person."
AJ looked at me sadly. "If you close yourself up, afraid of being
hurt by the wrong person, then you're going to end up by yourself. Lonely."
My voice was as hard as steel as I spat, "There is nothing lonelier
than being with the wrong person."
I walked past him and sat down on the bed. I curled up so that my
knees were pulled tight to my chin and my arms were wrapped around my legs.
I was trying to make myself as small a target as possible.
AJ's face softened as he stood by the window watching me. He slowly
walked toward me and sat down next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and
pressed me close to him. I sighed but didn't move - until he leaned close
and whispered in my ear:
"Someone once told me something that I've taken to heart. They said,
'You've got to dance like no one's watching, and love like it's never going
to hurt.' If you don't do that, Becky, what's your life for, anyway? Don't
be afraid to open up. It's the only way for you to find yourself." He paused
for a few moments, and his arms gripped me a bit tighter as he said, "When
I'm ready, when we're both ready...all I know is I want you to be the one."
His breath tickled my earlobe and I gave an involuntary shudder. I unfolded
myself from my position and moved closer into his arms without a word.
We sat like that in silence for an eternity. My eyes drifted shut,
and the next time I opened them, morning light was shining through the hotel
room curtains.
