Mood:  down

So you could say I've been running lately... both literally and figuratively. Not sure what it's about. I just can't seem to get rid of this unsettled energy.  I'm full of anxiety, fear and the unknown. Wanting a few answers and a little guidance. 

   I need you Trinity...To help me have vision when I can't see where the road is trying to lead me. To give me faith that I am exactly where I need to be; to assure me that I can handle all the stress that envelops me.

   I'm really frightened. I can't seem to stop exercising and am so focused on the weight right now. I went for a swim this evening and it just wasn't enough. I came home and had to go for a run just to keep the sanity and running commentary down to a minimum.

    I've been randomly on the verge of tears and there is no reason behind it. At the same time, I just can't seem to let myself break down and have a good cry. I feel like the walls are up and if I cry, I won't be able to hold it together.

   I'm wanting to isolate so badly. I feel like I am keeping my friends at arms reach.. Wanting to let them in but not sure how to share my feelings; probably because I don't understand them myself. Even with Carrie, I'm having a hard time expressing myself.

    I'm wound so tight right now the only thing I can think of is wanting to purge to release my feelings. Not really sure what to do. Part of me feels that I should pick up the phone and make a reach out call and a bigger part of me wants to keep it all in. To live in my secret world and have control over one thing in my life.

    This isnt a good sign. Gotta hang on 2 days and hopefully my new therapist can help me make sense of this thing. I miss CS. Have  I made this thing with him up in my mind? Why hasn't he called?? 

   Feeling really alone and scared...dont want to go back to that place, but feeling like nothing else is helping right now. One day at a time...I'm trying really hard Trinity. I need you to hold my hand right now, show me a glimmer of light at the end of this incredibly long tunnel. I'm barely treading water right now...my life is in your hands.

   Help me to do what is right for me and relieve me of my self-destructive tendencies. Help me to love myself and treat myself as I deserve to be treated!! I'm a caring, positive, vibrant woman who has a lot of love and happiness in her life. Help me to see that happiness, feel that love, and embrace what life has to offer me. Help me to continue being a person that I can be proud of.

   The right guy will come along in time. He will see me in my entirety and pursue me, not the other way around. He will be intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and willing to take risks. He will recognize my greatness and challenge me mind, body, and soul. All this energy that I am putting into one man...why am I so focused on him?? Yeah, he's a great guy- he's funny and sweet and has an amazing heart. And I know he would treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

   That's why I'm focused on him. Given the chance, if he felt the same way, he would treat me like a queen. Only problem is I'm just not sure if he could ever see me as more than a friend. Gotta be patient and give this one time to develop. We need to build a solid friendship and that takes time. The right guy is out there for me and if CS isn't smart enough to see what's in front of his face then it's his loss.