Gophat
THE GREEDY PENGUIN ©®™
By SDP
Once upon a time, there was a gopher. He was a happy little gopher, who lived with his family on the floating Antarctic ice packs. For you see, that gopher believed himself to be a Penguin. Not that the penguins minded, for he was a great fisherman (even though he ate most of the fish and got fat). Because of this, the penguins called him "OI! YE' GREEDY BASTARD! GISS' A KIPPER OR WE'LL KNOCK YE BLOCK OFF!" in a Scottish accent. Or more often, they called him Gophat.
One sunny morning, Gophat jumped into the water for fish, just like any other morning. But this morning, there were no fish! He quickly surfaced to ponder where the fish had gone.
"Maybe they went on a tropical holiday!" Gophat almost instantaneously exclaimed, producing a passport and airline ticket to Bermuda from under the snow.
Moments later he was boarding arctic airlines flight 276 to Bermuda, wearing a Technicolour Hawaiian shirt that he had mugged a seal for (which was all right, because everyone mugs seals, even penguins). On the flight he flew 1st class, drinking some very fine wines, eating some very bad airline food and watching an even worse movie.
Upon arrival at Bermuda international airport young, virile, Well-endowed and scantily clad native women, greeted him, laughed at him and then ran away. This confused Gophat, who shrugged his shoulders and set off in search of sun, surf and fish.
**THE NEXT DAY**
Gophat was bored. He had eaten all the fish in the locality, and hadn't recognised a single one. Sitting to think, he accidentally sat on millionaire's daughter, who fell in love with his enormous bottom, which she promptly married. Gophat was the best man. All the penguins were invited to the wedding, as they all had their tuxedos already.
It was a grand wedding; Gophat had to show is bottom how to put on a bowtie. They'd known each other for as long as they could both remember, and when Gophat finally got married to his penguin girlfriend Rita, his bottom wanted to be the best man.
The wedding bells chimed as the millionaire and the penguins walked and/or waddled to their prospective seats. The guests went silent, and the Organ player began playing. The guests turned, to see Gophat's bottom walking down the aisle, wearing the most tasteless wedding dress ever, with a bowtie.
The bottom made it to the altar amidst hushed whispers, and turned to watch its new bride enter. In she came, wearing a dress of pearls and a veil of silk (which had given the seamstress some difficulty, as it's so hard to get a needle through pearls. They also have to be threaded individually, leaving large gaps between different sized pearls).
Suddenly, the millionaire's daughter screamed, as she realised that her groom was in fact a professional drag queen.
"OH, DADDY!!!!" She exclaimed, running toward the open arms of her father, whom had recently divorced his wife.
His ex-wife, sitting nearby, realised her fetish for men in women's clothing, so she was the bride instead.
Afterwards, Gophat remembered his quest for fish. So after giving the newlyweds his most heartfelt best wishes, he ran away.
On his way from the church, some police stopped him and planted some drugs on him. He got to ride in a police car (which he enjoyed immensely). Upon arrival at the police station, they wanted to give him a full cavity search, but couldn't find his bottom, which was now on its honeymoon. So they searched his other cavities (Which he didn't enjoy at all), and locked him up for the night with an abundantly muscled quiet gent named Big Bubba, Which was strange, because when Gophat asked him his name he replied "Ben Dover".
In the morning he had a shower, but he felt awkward because penguins don't shower communally and they don't even have a word for soap. When Bubba accidentally dropped the soap and requested Gophat to pick it up, Gophat was puzzled. In penguin language, he asked what soap was, but Bubba didn't speak in penguin so they both stood staring at each other bemusedly until an officer took them both back to the cells.
That day, he was taken to see the local judge, who had been on holiday and was having to wear to court a large straw hat, as well as a deep tan and very tight pair of Speedo's, stretching across his vast behind, which caused Gophat a brief pang of homesickness for his own bottom.
"Come on, I've got ten glasses of chocolate liqueur and milk waiting in the hands of several abundantly endowed dusky young maidens, at the peak of their sexual prowess, awaiting to forfill my every desire..."
The court went silent, except for Gophat who was preening his feathers (or at least he would of if he had any).
"Er...TheCourtFindsTheDefendantNotGuiltyCaseDissmissed!" The Judge quickly yelled, heading for the nearest exit.
**Later that day**
Gophat stepped into the bright light of the outside and took a deep breath. He enjoyed it, because it smelt like freedom.
As he walked down the street, imaginary people darted past him, running in fear of the hardened criminal, just released from "The Joint".
After walking for several seconds, he became tired so he decided to sit down. As he sat on a gaping hole where his bottom used to be, he remembered the vow of honesty given to his Bottom, and gave up his life of crime on the spot, then ventured out to see how his newly-married bottom was going with the millionaire's ex-wife.
In a desperate attempt to locate his bottom, he joined the navy after hearing a rumour that it had been press-ganged.
At the naval base, he was issued with a pair of white pants. He had never worn pants before, and wasn't about to start. As he boarded the aircraft carrier "HMAS Stagboy", he noticed onboard were seven large sailors lounging nearby the anti-aircraft guns, each wearing a pair of figure-hugging tight white pants.
"Why aren't you wearing your panths, thailor?" a particularly ill shaven and strangely scarred sailor lisped, pouting provocatively. Gophat explained that he had more dress-sense than to wear anything that didn't feature fluorescent purple.
At this, the seven surly sailors sniggered, and told Gophat that their quickly organithed muthical number with accompanying danthe routine might change his mind. There was a brief shuffling among the sailors, and suddenly, music blared from the PA system, partially deafening the poor little gopher. It was The Village People's "In the Navy-Danthe Remicth".
As the thailorth danthed Gophat decided the navy wasn't for him, and jumped overboard and he landed on a Japanese fishing trawler, which was suddenly a whole lot lower in the water.
The next few weeks were spent with the crew talking to him in Japanese, while he replied in Penguin. Since neither side knew what the other was saying, they all got along well (except on several occasions when Gophat ate the entire days catch).
One day, Gophat awoke to the sound of hurrying feet. Crawling from his hammock, he noticed the fishermen were all excited at the sighting of a large whale. Gophat crawled back to bed, only to awaken later to the sight of a whale staring him in the face. This alarmed him briefly, but he then decided it was time for breakfast. As the whale was the nearest thing to a fish he could find, he ate it within a minute. The Japanese fishermen seemed upset at this, and dumped him at the nearest harbour, which just happened to be in Tokyo.
After sitting on an old barrel for several hours trying to figure out why his newfound friends had abandoned him, Gophat decided to find some food, because the whale wasn't quite filling enough for him.
In his search, he found a sushi stall. He was used to semi-raw fish, so he tried some. It was delicious! He promptly ordered some more. It was delicious! So, he ordered some more, and then some more, and more, and more! Soon he discovered that it didn't have the same kick it used to have, and he had run out of money to buy the rawer stuff. In desperation, he began to steal VCRs. He reverted to his previous criminal mastermind status, robbing from the rich and not from the poor (because the poor don't have anything to steal).
During this period of sushi-induced crime, he began to mingle with the more criminal element, and discovered the existence of a brussel sprout powered doomsday weapon in the possession of Dr. Jingo, Evil scientist mastermind and regular donor to the confused gopher fund. Gophat, in his own devious mind, began to calculate the value of such a doomsday weapon. It would sell for quite a bit at Cash Converters... He thought, And I could buy quite a lot of sushi with that much money.
The next day he was 'Checking out' the 'Target' for a way to enter, when two bulky gentlemen exited via the front door. Ah-ha! Gophat thought, THAT'S how I'll get in!
Sneaking through the front door, he tiptoed past the front desk where the guard on duty was watching MTV on all 500 surveillance monitors with a jumbo box of doughnuts on his lap. Gophat was nearly at the lift when all of a sudden..."HEY! YOU! The big fat gopher! Come over her!". Gophat ignored him, then the guard realised that Gophat was probably here as part of one of Dr. Jingo's fund-raisers. "You! The penguin! Get over here!" Gophat dragged his feet all the way back to the guard's station, where the guard said, "Do you want to share my donuts? I've got cinnamon, iced and plain."
Gophat said, "Yes please. I'll have a strawberry iced one, please." So he and the guard sat down together and watched MTV together until the doughnuts ran out, which with Gophat around was all of 5 seconds. Then, Gophat started to sneak away again, but this time he made it.
He dashed from alcove to alcove, humming the 'Mission Impossible Theme' under his breath. As he rounded another corner two guards began coming the other way, so he dashed through the nearest doorway.
On the other side, Gophat was surprised to find what appeared to be a restroom. He'd never been in a restroom before (because penguins do it wherever) so he had a good look around, and discovered a ladies handbag, containing $500, 000 in unmarked-bills, a driver's license, a dozen credit cards, various feminine hygiene products (the author would like to leave this unexplored territory alone), a makeup kit and a collection of keys, including at least three car keys and a house key.
Hmm...Gophat thought, perhaps I could...disguise myself as Mrs. Jingo!!!
Gophat wasted no time in locating a dress and applying the makeup, then he proceeded to Dr. Jingo's house.
*******
"Where's my handbag?!" Mrs. Jingo asked, her screech rattling the restroom mirrors, "I want to go home now, so get my...gosh-darned handbag!"
*******
Gophat stared in awe at the vast architectural wonder that was Dr. Jingo's abode. Gophat inserted the key into the lock of the mansion and turned it. It didn't work. After checking the driver's license again he realised that Dr. Jingo and his wife actually lived next door.
Gophat stared in awe at the vast architectural wonder that was Dr. Jingo's abode. Gophat inserted the key into the lock of the mansion and turned it. Inside, the house was even more glamorous than he had imagined.Marble featured largely in the design that made it awfully cold, but Gophat, having been raised among penguins, was more comfortable than he had been in over a fortnight.
At that moment, Dr. Jingo entered the room, puffing on a pipe. He noticed Gophat, and said "Hello dear! How are you this fine evening?"
Dr. Jingo was once a well-built man, but the inactivity of wealth had made him sag around the middle. He had also once had a fine head of hair, but the worries of someone building their own fortune had seen that it had all fallen or been pulled out in frustration. The Doctor also had a fine moustache, and was wearing a silk dressing gown.
Gophat told him that he/she/whatever was feeling fine, and that there was also a little scratch in the car. Dr. Jingo looked out into the driveway and saw a very flat piece of metal where the car normally was. Gophat politely asked how his doomsday weapon was coming along.
"Fine, Fine. Would you like to see it, my little buttercup of loveliness?" Gophat told him, yes, he/she/whatever would like to see it very much. He led Gophat into the elevator to his secret underground laboratory, occasionally stopping on various sub-floors where vast battalions of men trained in all manner of deadly stealth weapons.
When they finally got to the secret underground laboratory, it turned out to be about the size of a small garage, where a bright purple Volvo sat in the middle of the floor, tools strewn around it. Gophat was aghast, as his dream car was before him!
"Oops! Sorry dearest, wrong floor." Dr. Jingo exclaimed, frantically pressing buttons to get the lift to go down.
When they finally got to the secret underground laboratory, Gophat realised how huge it was. It was big. It was REALLY big. The Doomsday weapon itself occupied a large portion of the secret underground laboratory, and Gophat figured that he probably couldn't use his original plan of just palming it or slipping it into his purse.
"What do you think, honeybumpkins?" the doctor asked. Gophat told him that it looked lovely, except for it was looking a little peaky, so maybe it should be put out for a little fresh air. "Why, darling! It's made of metal! How can it look peaky?"
Gophat remained silent, and Dr. Jingo said "Wait here, I've got to tend to some business. As Gophat waited, he heard a high-pitched squealing noise from the end of the hall. When he looked up there was a man chained in a sprawled position on a table, with a laser slowly cutting upwards towards his...between the legs bits. You know what I mean. Anyway, as he watched, the man on the table said to Dr. Jingo "Sho, do you ecshpect me to talk?" which Dr. Jingo answered with "No, Mr. Bund, I expect you to die a slow painful death! Ciao! "
Bund looked around and caught sight of Gophat. "Who'sh the broad? She looksh like a vashtly fat gopher."
Jingo turned slowly, drawing his pistol. "Do you like it Mr. Bund? I think that the fact it's in crayon distracts from the overall effect, but it's a good likeness, don't you?" He said, getting his gun from out of his pocket
"Err..." Bund said, taking note of where the real gun was pointing.
"But anyway, I have to go."
As Jingo walked away, Bund used his watch magnet to draw the laser across to where one of his hands was chained to the table, and the laser cut that hand free. Then, using his free hand he redirected the laser to his other hand and feet, then made quick his escape, trying to find a payphone on his way out so that he could notify his superiors of his location for a sneak attack.
While Bund fumbled for correct change, Gophat was asking Jingo where he had managed to find THAT many brussel sprouts.
"Well," Dr. Jingo said, "small children helped enormously, I must admit, but the rest were either bought legally or created from fish." Gophat stared at him in incomprehension. "Come with me, shnukums, I'll show you what I mean."
At the back of the secret underground laboratory, was a huge tank, 1/3 full of water, 1/3 full of brussel sprouts and 1/3 full of...fish!
"You see, we've discovered this chemical that changes fish into brussel sprouts. Amazing, isn't it?!?!?"
Gunshots rang out across the lab, as Bunds superiors launched their offensive. "Quickly! Shoot them!" Jingo screamed in a rage as the soldiers from the upper floors charged into the laboratory in an offensive against the forces of the UN.
"Take cover, my sexy little..." Dr. Jingo went to pat his wife's bottom, only to discover there was nothing there. He wrenched Gophat's wig off, then tore the poor little gopher's dress off and left him standing in nothing but women's undergarments. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dr. Jingo launched himself at Gophat, but bounced off the penguin gopher's huge rolls of flab and fell to the floor. Gophat, seeing a chance to win some serious international respect, decided to lay down on top of the megalomaniac doctor, trapping him until the authorities came to deal with him.
Once the UN forces had won the battle, they inspected Gophat, who was quietly sleeping amongst the ruin of the laboratory.
"Wake up, little...er...big...um...young gopher," one of the soldiers said, "you're an international hero!"
THE NEXT WEEK
Gophat stood on the stage, as the leaders of the world lined up to thank him personally. Once they had given him the highest possible honours their countries could (but not giving him control of the country), the world demanded a speech from its newest hero. It was a brilliant speech, detailing how proud he was, how much he missed his bottom, and how sad and guilty he felt that Dr. Jingo had suffocated on his wobbly jelly-like belly. He also thanked the world leaders for reversing the affected fish, and returning them to their natural environment. With that, he boarded an aeroplane to the arctic, where his family and friends awaited.
At home, Rita gave him a big kiss and hug, and then they were swamped in miscellaneous relatives and penguins that had never even noticed Gophat except for when they had to yell at him for eating all the fish.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for Gophat's bottom who returned home after getting divorced, But that's another story...
THE END
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