0200 hours dot dot dot, all is quiet, all is still.
0400 hours dot dot dot, this is really not brill.
"No, no no no!" The security guard yelled at the notepad. He was trying his hand at poetry and failing
miserably. He had made a choice several months ago to go to evening classes once a week. He had stupidly chosen
English; you see he had gotten a idea into his head after watching a cartoon version of a Shakespearean play. "I
could write something like that, no problem." He had told his wife. "Oh yes? I'd like to see you try."
His wife had replied. From that moment on the challenge had stayed fresh in his mind, he had enrolled in evening
classes with the idealistic notion that after a few lessons he would become a great writer. Now, three months on,
he was struggling to write a simple rhyme. He shouldn't have left his homework till the last day. Hadn't secondary
school taught him anything??? Well, obviously not, that's why he failed all his exams and was now a security guard
trying to make 'still' and 'brill' be a perfectly acceptable rhyme.
He looked up from his little guard box outside the frozen pizza factory and watched as four masked cats jumped
over the barbed wire fence and metamorphasised into gorillas. "Aw, isn't that cute." He thought and went
back to writing his poetry.
"Psst." Said one gorilla.
"What?" Said another.
"Is this it?"
"Yes it must be." Said one of the gorillas at the back. "The map says it's here."
"But there's a frozen pizza factory on top of it."
"Well?"
"What do you mean, "Well?" how do we get down there?"
"You never heard of a spade?"
"No." Said the remaining gorilla. "Do you wear it?"
"Why did he have to come along?"
"I've told you before, he's the only survivor. He's the only one who knows the code."
"So why couldn't we just bring his brain and access the code from there?"
"That would be inhumane."
"Don't speak to me about inhumane, you didn't have to sit next to him on the train journey up here."
"Oh quit complaining."
"Don't tell me to quit complaining. Do you know how many games of eye-spy we played?"
"Shhh. Be quiet, pipe down. There's a security guard over there."
"I'll tell you shall I? One."
"One?"
"Yes one, one that lasted three hours. I hadn't realised there were that many words that began with 'S'. I
mean ‘seat’; he couldn't even guess 'seat'. We had sausage, secret hideout, seven igloos, small bald man on the
table next to us, smashed coffee, which of course he had to demonstrate, severed head.....mmmhy hhff hjmmmm!!!!"
"Was it really necessary to gag him?"
"That security guard's giving us funny looks."
"You'd think he'd never seen four masked gorillas trying to break into a frozen pizza factory wouldn't you?"
The security guard may have been a bit slow but he had realised that something was wrong with the situation unfolding
before him. He wrote down on his notepad. 0220, four cats jump the fence, they then turn into gorillas and hence,
... he suddenly realised what he had just wrote rhymed. He immediately lost interest in the situation outside and
concentrated on going through the alphabet to find something that would rhyme with hence and fence. "Bents,
cents, dents, e-ents.." he murmured to himself.
The four gorillas, after sorting out their differences, broke into the frozen pizza factory, one of the gorillas
went up to the security alarm and disabled it. After closing the door and reprogramming the security camera with
a looping video, all four gorillas metamorphosised back into four ordinary aliens. They walked through the frozen
pizza factory lost and confused.
"What are we looking for?"
"I don't know. Keep looking."
"There's nothing here! No secret door! No alien headquarters! It's just a bloody frozen pizza factory."
"Oh ye of little faith."
"Yes I know that's because I'm realistic. You know what they've done don't you? They just wanted us out of
the way."
"Why? That would make no sense."
"I don't know, so they can invade the Archimedes Section, so they can blow up the mountains of Yapmandoo to
get the gold, so they can dress up as chickens and have a fancy dress party, I don't know!!"
"Don't be so paranoid, we have to find the secret relic of the fifth tribe of the Sunking so that the holy
ghosts can be realised and restore peace to the universe."
"That sounds so daft. I can't believe I was roped in. I mean I should have got suspicious when they gave us
that map that's drawn in red crayon. But no, I believed your endless faith. I am soooo stupid."
Hang on a second, thought the security guard, breaking into the frozen pizza factory, that rings a bell. He thought
back to his days of training, what was it exactly that the trainer said? "Blah blah blahblah blah blahblahblah,
right?" "Yes Sarge."
Damn. No, concentrate! "Blah, blah, important thing is, if someone is breaking in, you ring the police, right?"
"Yes Sarge"
That was it, breaking in. Ahhh, that's what he should do. He stared at the phone, now, what was the number again?