Alarmingly Strange Stories
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A giraffe landed suddenly on the bare plains of an Eccles council estate. The giraffe, who was startled for a brief moment, sneezed then carried on eating somebody’s rhododendron. The somebody came outside and shouted obscenities at the giraffe, who returned it with a look of total contempt before walking away towards the high street. Chapter 1 - Attack of the blue scraggy thing from outer space The blue scraggy thing ate his cereal and looked up. Outside against the silver metallic landscape lay a team of archaeologist greenfly. Unknown to the blue scraggy thing they were singing ring-a-ring-a-roses in remembrance of the great dragonfly of 202021 Ano Dominoes, who were believed to be the deadliest of dominoes around at that time. The blue scraggy thing was the emperor of this lonely platinum planet and was extremely surprised and shocked to see the holy ceremony, which had been outlawed since 305967, when everybody on the planet had died. Since that time the greenfly had carried on running the all-important industries such as car tyres and carpets. The blue scraggy thing was neither a greenfly nor an insectoid, rumours had it that he had evolved from a particularly clever bit of mould that had managed to survive inside a coffee cup during the nuclear holocaust, but nobody mentioned this in fear of their lives. The blue scraggy thing prided himself on having no discrimination whatsoever. He despised everything and everyone regardless of who they were. But today he had even managed a slight muscle twitch that may have resembled a smile if you squinted. Today was the day that he was going to put his plan into action. Today he was going to rid the planet of all greenfly, with his newest invention. So clutching a plank of wood he sat down in his time machine and said "Whoop" as he sat in his lunch. "Eurgh" replied the lunch. He pressed a button and the time machine went "hee, hee, hee" as it disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke. In it's place stood a very confused car salesman. "Hello" said the door to the car salesman, "I am a door. I open and I close." "Yes." Said the car salesman, "I suppose you do." "I can also creak if you'd prefer." "No that's all right. I'm just a lowly penguin." Said the car salesman as he shot himself in the head. The door groaned. "Not again." It said. The time machine landed in Trafalgar Square on top of a metal lion. The door flew open. "Ahha!" Said the blue scraggy thing. The time machine overbalanced and fell onto the floor. "Ow." said the blue scraggy thing. A man in a top hat and a moustache looked at the evolved piece of mould lying flat on the floor. "Ow." said the blue scraggy thing again for dramatic emphasis. The man in the top hat and moustache sneezed. "Oh. You have a cold." Said the blue scraggy thing. "Show me the greenfly parliament and I will cure your cold." "Right." said the man in the top hat and moustache and ate the blue scraggy thing. Later that day the man in the top hat and moustache was recaptured by a London asylum. In later years he went on to invent penicillin. Chapter 2 - The greenfly parliament Emperor Greenfly 10 000 000th was a very lenient emperor on the Platinum planet. She made legal everything that Emperor Blue Scraggy Thing had outlawed. Now the greenfly people had freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of press, and freedom of facial expressions. But hell, if anyone even suggested that maybe capitalism was the cause of extreme poverty in other parts of the globe then they would have their tongues cut off before being hung drawn and quartered. Footnote: This last chapter has absolutely no relevance to the rest of this story; it is just there to parallel the stupidity of American society.

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