Alarmingly Strange Stories
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Suddenly, just as Ned thought his plight was over, he was confronted by an eight year old girl, eyes blood red and staring in a crazed fashion, wielding a baseball bat that was bigger than she was. Now Ned had just finished bandaging himself up after a shower and he was, to put no finer point on it, starkers. The little girl, still in a state of perplexed anger and arachnaphobia, noticed that Ned had one of those very same offending creatures attacking his groin. "Yaaaaargh ya bassar!!" she yelled and began swinging the bat into Neds wedding tackle. When Binkle, (for he was the only one strong enough to hold the girl) pulled her away from him, Ned gasped: (this passage has been language edited) "Golly! The way she pummelled my gonads with that very heavy piece of sports equipment, was quite painful chaps! Gosh, I do believe I'm going to pass out old bean! What a wonderful day I've had!" With that Ned did pass out and didn't wake up again until the next story. With the remains of the ceiling swept up, the pub became relatively quiet once again. The ambulance had been and picked Ned up and the little girl was safely being bustled away by some men in green overalls, bound as she was in a jacket whose sleeves fastened at the back. "Spiders dead!....Spiders all dead!" she could be heard to shout. "I don't know, what do you think makes people go funny like that?" Binkle asked Fauna. The elf just shrugged. "Its to be the downfall of the human race I'm afraid." she replied cryptically. Fauna had been rescued by "Doctor What" in his time travelling fridge freezer and had decided to live in the relative normality of The Cummy Todge public house. "What do you mean my race? I'm a bloody bunny rabbit for fucks sake!" Fauna glared at Binkle for she didn't like any males, no matter what species, talking to her like that. "I'm going to give you a neeeyahhhgerrough for that." Binkle furrowed his brow and foolishly asked, "Whats one of them duck?" With the swiftness of a politician putting his clothes back on, Fauna lept from behind the bar and grabbed the poor rabbit straight in his happy sacks, twisting them as if she were opening a tin of salmon. "Neeeyahhgerrough!!!" he yelped, spots dancing before his eyes. When she did finally let go, the poor semi-robotic rodent grabbed a soda fountain and blasted his todger with it. "Well, whatever you call it, it was on the house and on the rocks." snorted Fauna and went back to serving customers. Presently a loud crash disturbed the low murmuring of conversation. A distraught woman shaped rather like an egg wobbled into the lounge shouting: "Come quickly! Send for the police! He's going to jump!" Fauna ran outside with about half a dozen people and following the womans pointing finger, looked up to the roof where an egg like person stood precariously close to the ledge. "Humpty, come down or you're going to have a nasty fall!" But it was too late, the egg man jumped off the roof, a bunjee cord trailing behind him. Now the thing to remember about Bunjee jumping is to make absolutely sure that at full stretch, you cannot possibly touch the ground. Unfortunately, Humpty was just an amateur and this was to be his first and last attempt. At least he had survived his hang glider. There was a loud crash and the sound of an elastic recoil. The rope sprang back taking the legs and feet of the unfortunate egg man with it. The rest rolled around the floor like a bad horror movie. Suddenly, a battalion of the Kings horsemen turned up on the scene just to make the story more plausible (gulp) and taking in the situation, they sent their medical officer over to check the body. "I don't think we can help him sir, I was not very good at jigsaws." Fauna asked if anyone else had been trained up in such matters, but it turned out that all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, didn't have the technology to perform delicate micro surgery by the roadside. Now if it was something blowing up that was required, it would have been a different story. Fauna shook her head and left the soldiers to clean up the mess. Even later when the body had been removed, a sad victim guest star in anyones story, the Cummy Todge returned to the business of intoxicating people beyond belief. Fauna sat down at the front, allowing Binkle to take over for a while so she could put her feet up. Presently a young girl with a hooked piece of cane and her hair in braids approached the elf. "Excuse me, but have you seen any sheep knocking about?" Fauna thought carefully before she made her reply. "AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!" she yelled.

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