Alarmingly Strange Stories
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An old man was sitting by the bar and he wanted his glass re-filling. "Hey duck! Fill us this up would you?!" If there was one thing that Fauna hated, it was a male chauvinist pig and she had just heard one talk. One that had been getting on her nerves now for weeks. "Don't call me duck." she said in a deathly quiet voice. "Why not? Your arse waggles like one!" Fauna gave him a sweet elven smile and spoke in the same quiet voice. "I'm going to give you an oooaarghyabassar for that." The old man suddenly frowned in confusion. "Whats one of those duck?" he asked. With the swiftness of the elven race, she suddenly gripped his face on most of the nerve pressure points, gently but firmly twisting as she did so. "Oooaarghyabassar!" he yelled before passing out on the floor. Binkle, who had just wondered in, regarded the still figure on the floor for a moment. "Is he dead?" he enquired politely to Fauna. "I don't know but I hope you aren't going to say anything to justify the title of this story." But it was too late, Binkle had seen an opening and he intended to make full use of it. "I might have tried to eat him if he was dead but......." Fauna cried out a warning to everyone in the pub and they all plugged their ears as Binkle continued: ".......dead people taste funny." The title of this piss poor attempt at humor now being justified, the cybernetically rebuilt bunny rabbit ordered a pint of coffee with a dash of salt and soda water, then wobbled off into a corner muttering "The chickens, the chickens." Meanwhile, a small child entered and asked Fauna for a bowl of curds and whey. "Pray child, what is your name?" The little child smiled sweetly and declared that her name was Muffet. "Well little miss Muffet, there just so happens to be a tuffet up the corner there, but watch out for the cobwebs." The little girl sauntered off sweetly and sat down on the tuffet, quietly setting about eating her curds and whey. Presently the light fitting above the pool table began to swing from side to side, the shorts bottles behind the bar began to clatter and small cracks appeared in the ceiling. Gradually the disturbance became louder with the cracks in the ceiling growing ever larger. Then the ceiling gave way above Muffets head, collapsing in a plume of dust, dirt and plaster to reveal what could only be described as a big "Fuck Off" spider. It landed in front of the sweet little girl with its fangs dripping. Without warning the sweet little girl pulled out a huge baseball bat and began to ferociously twat the spider with it. "Take that you bastard! I'm piss sick of you stealing my grub you overgrown hairy tart!" The terrified arachnid suddenly took off for the bathroom, hoping to somehow fit down the plug hole. Ned had a horrible shock as it threw the door open and clattered into the bath. "Fuck me!" he exclaimed and then turned the shower unit above the bath to full. Surely enough, no matter how big the bloody things are, they always get down the plughole.

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