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I'm Pissed! for 05/15/00 & 05/18/00

05/15/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

Pretty soon, we will hit 10,000 visitors unless we get shut down by Kathie Lee because she is a bitch, or we get shut down by Cody Gifford because, he too, is a bitch.

Anyway, I told Bob that we should reward the 10,000th visitor and give them a prize. Bob, because he is so damn cheap, said "no."

"You may be a Winner!"

"But not at Weirdcrap."

Are you an illegitimate child of Ed McMahon? Fill out this Form! It may be posted on "Under the BigTop"

So I offered Bob a beer. He drank it, of course. I offered him another, which he drank. After I gave him all the beer that I had, I again told him that we should do something special to the 10,000th visitor. Bleary eyed, he asked me what type of gift I was thinking of giving away.

I decided the best gift for anyone is money. So, I told Bob that we could give the lucky visitor a cash prize. Bob sat quietly for awhile and I thought this was good because it seemed like he was seriously thinking about it.

The next day, I realized he had passed out. I gently whacked him on the head with an empty bottle and asked him again about the monetary prize to the lucky visitor. Again Bob said no because we would have no idea who the 10,000th visitor would be.

God, what a prick he can be. I mean, it is like this guy has never heard of the honor system! We all know that if there was a monetary prize for the 10,000th visitor, they would gladly send us an email and tell us that they are the lucky one.

But no. Bob claims that we would get a lot of email from people claiming to be the 10,000th visitor and we would not know who the real person was. To me, that is just Bob being a real shit.

This just proves my point that Bob is a cheap bastard. Go ahead and email him and thank him for taking away the chance for you to possibly be that lucky winner.

I understand your pain. I asked him for a raise and he took away my microwave privileges at work. He claims it could affect my pacemaker. To me, it sounds like an excuse from a cheap prick.

I am very sorry about the way that Bob has treated you. I think he ranks up there with Darva Conger in the shit-of-the-year club. Actually, she has him beat because she is also a smelly whore (so I have been told) and Bob does smell quite pleasant (so I have been told).

Again I am sorry. And please remember that if Bob isn't here for you, you can be damn sure that I will be.

One last thing--I have always wanted to say this: YOUR CAT IS RETARDED.

Thank you!

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I'm Pissed! for 05/15/00 & 05/18/00

05/18/00
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I'm Pissed!

By "John Stevenson"

I would like everyone to thank me. Because of me, the cast of "Friends" are not getting a million dollars per edpisode. They all realized that I was correct and they have no careers outside of that show. They should thank me for correcting their asinine thinking and you, dear reader, should also thank me for allowing you the chance to go to your local theater without the fear of seeing them on the big screen.

You are all welcome.

Now on to the bad stuff. I have heard that someone is actually suing "Who Wants to Be a millionaire" because a question they had was too "ambiguous" and the contestant got the answer wrong.

You have got to be kidding!! I could have researched a bit further and got this person's name, but why should I bother? I can tell you who this person is/was.

This is the same person who had the shit kicked out of him every day at lunch, and on those special days, right after school.

Why did this happen? Well, it was because this was the dick that always raised their hand in class when they didn't think there was enough homework for the evening. This is the same person who did not have to get dressed for gym because they had a note from their doctor stating that they had a deviated septum and it would be too hard for them to participate in anything athletic..

This is the same person that works in the computer field and goes outside to the smoking section even though they do not smoke. To them, the cool people are the ones that smoke (and that is true) and they feel cool just by hanging out with them. However, the smokers treat them like shit because this person generally stands in a corner and picks their nose while talking to themself.

Now, they are trying to get back at the world for all the shit kicking they received. True, it is better than them going into a store and shooting people, but it is still wrong. Get over it!! You got it wrong!
So what?? It's not like you have any friends that are making fun of you.

Now kids, this column should be a learning lesson to you. For one, you can now sue the school when you get a low grade on a test because you thought the questions were to ambiguous!!! Ain't that neat! And now, you also know that smoking is cool!! You can learn more from me and "Rob"
just by reading our stuff!!

You're welcome again!!

I am sorry about calling Darva Conger a smelly whore last week. I meant to say skanky whore. Sorry about the confusion.

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COMING SUNDAY---THE DO'S AND DONT'S AT THE URINALS

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