Depression

Do people some where deep down in the subconscience like to be depressed, think about it for a moment with me. Maybe I'm the only one that does this if so I guess I'm just a little off but whenever Iget depressed I start listening to depressing music, I start thinking about really negative things, now sure this is no way to get out of a depressed state but I still sit there and just push myself deeper into sadness. Why?? Maybe Agent Smith from the Matrix was right, maybe we as humans define our selves by suffering, and so when we're sad we feel somewhat more alive, more justified in being here. Maybe depression is such a powerful force that it convinces us that we want to be that way. I tell you last night I came back from this sorry ass club and for some reason, maybe because all the people that were enjoying themselves made me sad for the future, I was so sad and instead of coming back here and cheering myself up I looked through my collection of mp3's and found all the ones that would make me more upset, put them on a play list and hit the shuffle button. It made me feel worse, and I knew it would but I didn't do anything to change it. I've heard people say something like, "When I'm really sad I start to cry and when I'm done crying I feel alot better." I don't know about all that, to me crying helps very little, you sit there and cry, and cry, and when your finally done you still have the same problems but now you've just wasted time out of your day, time that could have been spent trying to fix the problem. Don't think I'm bent on self destruction or anything I don't in the normal spare time sence of the word ENJOY being unhappy, It's just once I'm there I seem to be stuck in it, with no hopes of getting out. It's horrible. Maybe I should take up some hobbies to increase my well being, meditation or yoga or something, maybe I should stop letting people talk me into going out to same kinda fucked up club where the first three songs i heard where Britney Spears, Ricky Martin, and that Eglaseuz guy, or whatever the fuck he is, the one with the fucked up mole. Maybe I should avoid depressing situations, of course then I would never leave my room, on the other hand I don't really do that very often anyway, but still the concept is there for further examination. Maybe depression is a way humans punish themselves and since I see my self as this terrible person I really feel this overwhelming need to punish myself, to serve penance for my sins. I don't know why but that's all the more reason to get depressed, because we don't even know why we do this to ourselves, because we understand so little about ourselves and the world around us. And maybe, just maybe it fits in with the whole balance thing, that in order to have the really good times we have to have the really bad times so we have a point of reference, maybe I'm reading way to much into this.