Disclaimer: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager, and Enterprise all belong to Paramount. I am not making money off of this story...just letting the characters out for a little fresh air.
Note: In this adventure, various characters from the other four Star Trek series audition for Mayweather's job.
Setting: Archer's office. Reed and Sato are standing in front of Archer, who is sitting at his desk.
Archer: So let me get this straight. You guys feel that your character growth as two legs of the triangle of junior officers has reached an impasse, and you want to replace the third, uh, the third leg of that triangle with someone more interesting?
Reed: Got it in one, sir.
Archer: And who was this third member?
Sato: The other junior officer, sir.
Archer: (thinks for a moment) Um...Cutler?
Reed: No, Ensign Mayweather, sir.
Archer: (furrows his brow) Ensign who?
Sato: Travis Mayweather--he's the helmsman.
Archer: Um....
Sato: You know, the guy who grew up on a cargo freighter?
Archer: (lightbulb goes on over his head) Oh! Are you talking about the guy who sits there and grins all the time and says stupid things about space anomalies?
Sato: Bingo.
Archer: You want to replace him? It'll mean less lines for the two of you, y'know.
Sato: If that's what has to happen to lose the goofy optimism
and the ghost stories, then so be it.
Cut to an interview room, showing Archer, Tucker, and T'Pol sorting
papers at a desk. A crewman enters the room and gives them a report.
As he leaves, the camera follows him through a waiting room and out into
a corridor. We notice that Reed and Sato have set up a little desk
and are sitting behind it, sorting through the applicants.
We immediately notice that most of the applicants seem to be regulars or
recurring characters from the other series.
Reed: Right, who's first?
EMH: Is this where I apply for the new post?
Reed: We're sending the applicants in to the captain.
EMH: Excellent! I'd like to apply.
Sato: What are your talents?
EMH: I'm a first rate surgeon and command officer, and I'm also an accomplished opera singer--let me give you a selection of-
Sato: No! That's okay--go on in!
EMH: Oh...why thank you. (goes on into the waiting room)
Reed: Next.
Sulu: Hi, I'm here for the post of helmsman.
Reed: Qualifications?
Sulu: (insulted) The idea that you even need to ask!
Reed: All right, all right, go on through.
Sulu goes into the waiting room. Shran steps forward.
Sato: What do you want?
Shran: To apply for the post, of course.
Reed: I don't think so--no Andorians.
Shran: Aha! Discrimination!
Reed: Not at all--it's a matter of continuity. We can't have you on the crew when three weeks ago you weren't even in Starfleet.
Shran: But Phlox and T'Pol aren't in Starfleet, and they're members of your crew, so why can't I be one too?
Reed: Phlox is our token weird alien and T'Pol is our token Vulcan babe.
Shran: (smiling to himself) Yes, she is, isn't she....
Reed: What did you say?
Shran: Nothing.
Reed: I thought it was the other Andorian who was attracted to her.
Shran: Maybe...but I've found a new appreciation for her--you see, I think she has a nice-
Reed: All right, that's it! Get out, or I'll call security.
Sato: (whispering) You are security!
Reed: Just get out!
Shran: The next episode I'm in, I'm going to bust your captain's @$$!
Sato: Fine by me.
Shran: (leaves) F***ing Pinkskins!!
Reed: Next!
LaForge: Hi, I'm here about the post.
Sato: Wait a minute, I'm not sure we can let you in--we're not advanced enough yet for those fancy telephoto zoom eyes of yours.
Reed: He could always wear contacts.
LaForge: No--I mean...aw forget it. (leaves)
Reed: Next.
Paris: Hi! I'm the best helmsman in the galaxy!
Sato: Oh please.
Paris: Well...the best in the Delta Quadrant.
Reed: We're not in the Delta Quadrant.
Paris: I'm also a nut about cartoons and 1950's cars.
Sato: (sarcastically) How fascinating.
Paris: Here, let me show you my Captain Proton card collection-
Reed: (hastily) Go on in--by all means! (to Sato) We'll let the captain deal with him. Next!
Kirk: Is this where I apply for captain?
Sato: That time could be closer than you think--try coming back in a few weeks. Next!
Weyoun: I'm here for the new position.
Reed: You're not fooling anyone, you know.
Weyoun: What?
Reed: Come on, we know bloody well who you are.
Weyoun: So?
Sato: You're already playing Shran--you can't be two major characters in one series.
Weyoun: Ahem, you should watch Deep Space Nine more often.
Reed: Look, there weren't any Vorta around here in this century.
Weyoun: How do you know that? For all you know we could be infiltrating every government, slowly and with weasel-like cunning.
Sato: Don't give us that--we can't show a Vorta on screen, because it would contradict what we knew about you before. You're supposed to be in the Gamma Quadrant in this century.
Weyoun: Like that would stop you....
Sato: Hey, we're quality control here--and that includes continuity! Next!
Weyoun goes off grumbling; Kira steps forward.
Sato: Qualifications?
Kira: Command and resistance fighting.
Sato: Uh, okay...can you fly a starship?
Kira: You better believe it.
Reed: All right, you can go in. But we might have to do something to your nose.
Kira: (threatening tone) I'd like to see you try, kiddo. (goes past as Kim steps up)
Sato: Name?
Kim: Kim, Harry Kim.
Reed: Qualifications?
Kim: Uh, yeah...can I just ask you something before we go any further?
Sato: What?
Kim: What's the rank that comes with this job?
Sato: Ensign.
Kim: (look of horror passes over his face) Oh...um I just remembered--there's something else I uh needed to do (starts backing away)...yeah....
Reed and Sato look at each other and shrug.
Reed: Next.
Torres: Have you seen a blond cartoon enthusiast come through here?
Reed: Yes--we sent him through to the waiting room.
Torres: If you guys are supposed to be quality control, how the hell did he get through?
Sato: We thought he might make the captain and Commander Tucker look smart.
Reed: Would you like to talk to him?
Torres: Hell no! As far as I'm concerned, you can
keep him!
Cut to interview room: the EMH is sitting across from Archer, Tucker, and T'Pol.
EMH: ...and so that was the start of my career as a command officer--but there were many more heroics to come....
Tucker: (snores)
Cut back to Quality Control.
Bashir: Are you sure you don't need a good doctor--I mean, I'm very good with primitive frontier medicine.
Reed: (annoyed) Thank you so much for insulting us by calling us primitive to our faces--and besides, I don't need the competition of your accent. Next!
Bashir reluctantly moves on; Seven swaggers forward. Reed's pupils dilate.
Sato: (glaring at Seven) Next!! (Seven leaves. Sato looks at Reed, who has his eyes glued to Seven's retreating bum; Sato jabs him in the ribs with her elbow)
Reed: Oww!!
Quark: Let me see if I can interest you in a business proposition...
Sato: Sorry, no Ferengi.
Quark: (spreading his hands to either side) Hey, take it easy...I'm sure we can work something out!
Sato: What did you have in mind?
Quark: (leans closer to them) Let's just say I can make it worth your while. You two can be the richest ones on the crew....
Sato: (to Reed) You know, if we were responsible Starfleet Officers, we'd ignore that obvious attempt at bribery.
Reed: Mmm...but we're undeveloped and unprincipled Starfleet Officers, aren't we?
Sato: Thanks for reminding me. (to Quark) Go on in.
Quark: (winking) Much obliged.
Reed: Right, who's next?
Penk steps forward.
Reed: Oh for God's sake....
Penk: Now look, you can't complain about me being in the wrong quadrant this time.
Sato: (incredulous) Excuse me? The Delta Quadrant's right around the corner, is it?
Reed: (muttering) Right around the bend, more likely....
Penk: Now, I want you two to consider this fairly--for all you know, my species is spread all over the galaxy!
Reed: (mutters something about wanting to spread Penk all over the galaxy)
Sato: (ignoring Reed) Then why exactly is it that we've only seen your species in one episode of Voyager?
Penk: We keep a low profile.
Sato: Good, then you won't want a position at the helm of the starship, where you're always in the foreground, will you? Next!
Penk glares at them before stomping off; Tuvok comes forward.
Reed: Wait a minute, you're a Vulcan, aren't you?
Tuvok: Yes.
Reed: I'm afraid we've already reached our quota for Vulcans.
Tuvok: I see (leaves)
Sato: Close one.
Reed: No kidding.
Sato: (eyeing Tuvok's retreating figure) He's got a nice bum, though.
Reed: (sighing) I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Sato: (wicked smile) Nope.
Cut to the interview room.
EMH: ...and so that's when I started to explore my cultural side, and what better way to do that than through the rich vocal fabric of opera....
Tucker: (to Archer) I'd try to insult him or something,
but I don't have the faintest clue what he's talkin' about....
Cut to waiting room: Sulu is reading an issue of Playboy while Paris chats with Kira and Quark inspects the walls for cracks.
Paris: ...and so I pulled this really cool trick on him by turning her into a cow right wh-
Kira: (exasperrated) Stop--no more! One more word and your face will become part of that painting! (points to a Van Gogh hanging on the wall)
Paris: (squinting at the painting) Which part?
Cut to Quality Control. Crashing sounds are heard from the waiting room; Reed and Sato ignore them.
Sato: And you are...?
Neelix: Neelix--I'm a Talaxian.
Reed: Wait a minute, aren't you another one of those Delta Quadrant species?
Neelix: Uh...would it help if I said no?
Cut back to waiting room. We see Kira reading a magazine; Quark is shaking his head at Paris, who has his head stuck in the Van Gogh...and consequently the wall as well.
Quark: Now that was an example of sheer stupidity, my friend.
Paris: Mmmph!
EMH: (coming through from the interview room) Ah, that was quite a successful interview.
Quark: Did you get it?
EMH: They said they'd let me know--obviously they were
very impressed with my strong record as a command officer and an operatic
virtuoso. (starts to sing a few bars; Kira looks up sharply)
Cut to Quality Control. More crashing sounds are heard from the waiting room. Quality Control ignores them.
Neelix: Well I could always dress up as some Alpha Quadrant alien.
Reed: (to Sato) Are we in the Alpha Quadrant or the Beta Quadrant?
Sato: How the hell am I supposed to know? Dammit, I'm a translator, not a navigator!
Reed: (to Neelix) What do you want to be helmsman for, anyway?
Neelix: (confused) Helmsman? I was applying for chef!
Reed: We've already got a chef.
Neelix: One that can cook hair folicle stew? I think not!
Reed and Sato: Next!!
Cut to waiting room: Paris is still trying to get his head out of the wall, the EMH is trying to get his head out of the coffee table, and Kira and Quark are making out on the couch........er, wrote that last part down wrong...Kira is reading her magazine while Quark goes on inspecting the cracks in the wall.
Quark: (to camera) Mind you, that making out idea sounded good to me!
Kira: (angrily) Watch it, buttock-head, I'm just in the mood!
A thumping sound is heard from the interview room; a few moments later Sulu emerges, looking controlled but peeved. He marches straight through and out the other door.
Quark: (to Kira) I wonder what that was all about....
Cut to Archer, who is lying on the floor, holding his head,and groaning.
Tucker: (shaking his head at Archer) I don't think
you should've called him "Tiny," Cap'n.
Back to Quality Control.
Reed: Oh no, not another nose job....
Ro: (narrowing her eyes) What did you say?
Sato: He said you're too well qualified for the job--go somewhere else.
Ro: Oh. Thanks. (leaves)
Sato: (to Reed) Now you owe me. (turns back to the line of applicants) Next.
Chekov: I understand you have a position open on this wessel.
Sato: This what?
Chekov: ...on this...wessel. (he gets blank looks from Reed and Sato) Wessel...you know...starsheep?
Sato: Do you always talk like that?
Uhura: Yep he does, sista, and you're too damn late, coz he's mine. (leads Chekov off)
Sato: (to Reed) That was weird.
Reed: I think the fabric of the universe is starting to disintegrate...
Brunt: I'm here about the post.
Reed: ...and there's the proof.
Sato: (to Brunt) Don't you ever give up?
Brunt: Hmm? Don't understand what you're talking about.
Reed: What I'd like to know is this: what's your real name and what do you really look like?
Brunt: Well, if you really want to know, "Weyoun" is my real persona, and all the others are just really elaborate makeup.
Reed: That doesn't make any sense--Weyoun has ears that shoot up half his skull--why doesn't someone like, say, Shran have those?
Brunt: (leaning close and speaking in a confidential
tone) That's the magic of Hollywood!
Cut to Archer, who is holding an ice pack to the back of his head.
Archer: So, what...um...what are your qualifications?
Reverse shot: we see Paris, who has the Van Gogh stuck around his neck.
Paris: Well, I'm the best helmsman in the Delta Quadrant....
Tucker: (to T'Pol) Substitute "only."
Back to Quality Control.
Sato: No, we really can't let you in--you're a Ferengi.
Brunt: I heard you let Quark in!
Reed: For a bribe--are you willing to match the offer?
Brunt: Darn! We Vorta don't carry around much pocket change....
Reed: You're giving me a headache--get out of here!
Back to the interview room.
Paris: ...and then there was the time when my shuttlecraft went at an impossible speed and the captain and I got turned into salamanders....
Archer: (to Tucker) I think I'm starting to see
how the painting got there....
Back to Quality Control.
E. Dax: I've got over 300 years of experience in all sorts of things.
Reed: (smiling eagerly) Indeed...sounds rather interesting....
Sato: (glaring at him) All we're interested in are her helm skills, Malcolm.
Reed: Are we? But we need someone who will add depth to our dynamic as junior officers. Don't we need an interesting character to add to our triangle?
Sato: Not that kind of triangle! Next! (Ezri stalks off)
Reed: (sighing) Woe is me....
Sato: Behave--or no more pineapple!
Krem: Hi there!
Reed: (glares)
Sato: (sighing) Look, I told you--no Ferengi.
Krem: But I'm a nice Ferengi.
Reed: (makes strangled noise)
Sato: That doesn't matter...you're still a Ferengi.
Krem: It's like I said before: pure discrimination.
Reed: (puts his head down on the desk and covers it with his arms)
Sato: Not really.
Krem: Then what? I'm qualified, I assure you.
Sato: Yeah, sure...you have your own ship now, don't you? So why are you trying to get a position here?
Krem: The short answer would be: this one's bigger and faster.
Sato: And the long answer?
Krem: I lost my ship in a bet to some Orions in a card game.
Sato: That wasn't too much longer....
Krem: Hmmm...you're right....
The door of the waiting room opens and Tucker appears, breathless.
Tucker: Whew! I swear, I can't take it anymore!
Reed: (raising his head from the desk) And what would that be, Trip?
Tucker: (gesturing in the direction of the interview room) That guy in there's tellin' the captain about how he cheated on his wife with a shuttlecraft!
Sato: Hmmm...that sounds...uh...bad.
Tucker: No kiddin'! I would've told him to go to hell, but then he started goin' on and on about some simulated crones and a bored ice cube...I honestly don't think he's all that smart.
Reed: (bangs his head against the wall)
Krem: Are you sure he didn't say in a shuttlecraft?
Tucker: What?
Krem: You know, when he cheated on his wife.
Tucker: Nope, it was definitely with a shuttlecraft.
Krem: I wonder how that would work....
Reed: (groans)
Tucker: What?
Krem: You know, with a shuttlecraft....
Tucker: Oh! Gee, I never thought of it that way....
Sato: All right, that's it--out! Both of you!
Krem: Temper, temper. (leaves)
Sato: (muttering) Believe me, you haven't even seen the tip of the iceburg, buster.
Tucker: (snickers) Are we gonna get to see the tip of it?
Sato: You have exactly five seconds to get out of my sight. Or...or...
Tucker: Or what?
Sato: Or... (looks over at Reed) ...or I'll brutally ravish Malcolm here right in front of your eyes!
Tucker: (backs off) Whoa...uh, no thanks--I'm outta here! (goes back through the door toward the interview room)
Sato: Well, it worked.
Reed: You like giving people shocks, don't you?
Sato: Oh...sorry I used you like that, Malcolm.
Reed: It's that you didn't use me that I'm complaining
about.
Cut to interview room. Tucker is just sitting down, shaking his head. T'Pol is staring blankly ahead as Paris rattles on. Archer is wearing his 'furrowed brow and listening intently but confusedly' expression. Tucker rolls his eyes, sitting on the edge of his chair and staring upwards.
Paris: ...but being a salamander wasn't that bad, really...
Tucker: Aw, we're back to the salamanders again? I guess it's better than holographic cows and having it off with a small spaceship....
Paris: ...but the weirdest thing was, when I touched her skin, it still felt like the captain--it didn't feel like I was making out with another salamander at all!
Tucker: (falls out of his chair)
Cut to Quality Control.
Sato: Next. (looks up) Ah.
Worf: I am here about the helm position.
Sato: Uh...you're a Klingon.
Worf: Very observant. I shall look forward to working with you, Ensign.
Sato: Um, that's not actually up to me, you see-
Worf: Of course not; show me to your captain.
Sato: But I'm not sure you'd be the best person for this role, you see-
Worf: No one is more experienced than I am.
Sato: So you've had a lot of experience piloting a starship?
Worf: No more than the next man.
Sato: But you said-
Worf: I meant I have had more experience at switching series. I do not believe any of the other applicants has done so.
Reed: Actually, it's beginning to feel like we've had half the DS9 cast on our series so far.
Sato: (to Reed) Would you rather have half the Voyager cast?
Reed: Depends on which half.
Worf: Since I was a member of the DS9 cast at one point, I would be the continuation of a trend, would I not?
Reed: Point taken. But we still can't let you in.
Sato: It's nothing personal, Mr. Worf...it's just that a Klingon on the bridge of a 22nd century starship might seem a little out of place.
Reed: Unless, of course, he's trying to kill everyone.
Worf: I would not attack you.
Sato: Yeah, well, we're not supposed to be friends for another 200 years at the very least. And besides, we're looking for an experienced helm officer...and from what you've told us, you're not any more experienced at that than any of the rest of these losers.
Worf: You are correct; my true expertise lies at the tactical station. Perhaps you need a new weapons officer?
Reed: (incensed) I'll have you know we do not need a new weapons officer!
Worf: I demand the chance to prove my worthiness.
Sato: Good idea. How about a contest to see who's better at aiming the phase cannons?
Worf: (sighs) Very well; you win. (leaves)
Reed: Thanks.
Sato: You owe me two now.
Reed: Hmmm...I'll remember you said that.
Sato: Do you have to draw an inuendo from everything I say?
Reed: For the record, it's not just me--I trust you remember that remark you made the other day, the one about my weapons array?
Sato: That doesn't count! I was under the influence of an alien virus at the time.
Reed: There's always an excuse, isn't there.
Sato: For you men there is.
Reed: Ah, so you women are so high and mighty that you can get away with what we can't? Is that it?
Sato: Am I getting you angry yet?
Reed: Wait a minute, you're enjoying this, aren't you?
Sato: Every minute.
Reed: God I love a woman with a sense of fun.
Sato: I'll remember you said that. Right, who's next?
Tiron: Greetings.
Reed: Oh bloody buggering hell....
Sato: (sighing) I recognize the voice, but not the face.
Tiron: What voice?
Reed: Oh God, I really can't take this....
Sato: Look, Weyoun, Shran, Brunt, whatever you want to call yourself--we know who you are, so just own up.
Tiron: (proudly) I once auditioned for the part of "Riker," you know.
Reed: Oh just shut up! Just tell me who the hell you're supposed to be this time!
Tiron: Oh gee, don't you remember? I was the guy in "Meridian" who was obsessed with Kira's body.
Reed: You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now,
aren't you?
Cut to waiting room: Quark is leaning his head on Kira's chest while she strokes his ear with her fingers.
Quark: Ooooooooh...... (to camera) Mind you, 'the man of a thousand faces' and I do have something in common.
Back to Quality Control.
Tiron: (shouting through the wall) Oh yeah, Quark? Well Tiron wasn't the only one--Weyoun had secret fantasies about her too! So that's two against one!
Reed: (to Sato) What the hell is going on?
Sato: (shrugging) They lost me completely.
Quark: (shouting from the other room) Yeah right--you're just saying that!
Tiron: It's true! All that Odo crap was just hype!
Reed: I really need an aspirin....
Quark: ( shouting from the other room) Even if it is true, look where it got you: nowhere!
Tiron reaches up and pulls his mask off. As Weyoun, he storms into the waiting room, leaving Reed and Sato confused, and with no more applicants left. Thumping and crashing sounds are heard from the waiting room.
Reed: Well, that was pretty pointless.
Sato: Is it just me, or is Travis looking more and more attractive?
Reed: Perish the thought....
Sato: (looking around at the now-empty corridor) So, what do we do now? (a long pause, then a sly look in Reed's direction) ...hmmm...maybe now would be a good time for you to pay me back those two you owe me.
Reed: (grinning slyly) That's the best idea I've
heard all day....
2002--Commander Illani
