by Illani
Note: As the title suggests, this is a parody of both the first and fifth movies. If you’re a fan, I hope you’ll see the funny side of it; if you’re so obsessive about either of these movies that you can’t stand to see them made fun of, you might want to try somewhere else....
Disclaimer: As always, Paramount owns Enterprise and Star Trek in general; it’s their world--I’m only trying to inject some silliness into it.
We see the bridge of the Enterprise. A pulsing blue band of light suddenly appears and starts raking across the bridge officers.
Archer: What the hell is that thing?
Reed: It’s some sort of scanning device, sir!
Tucker: Yeah, and it’s scanning us, sir!
Reed: How surprising....
The thing stops in front of T’Pol.
Archer: Mr. Reed, shoot that thing.
Reed shoots it. The blue light grows stronger.
Archer: Shoot it again!
Reed: Sir, I really don’t think-
Archer: Don’t argue, just do it!
Reed sighs and shoots it again. It grows stronger.
Archer: Why do I get the feeling that wasn’t a good idea?
Tucker: Cap’n, that thing’s feedin' off the energy from the phase pistol!
Archer: Mr. Reed, you’re fired!
Reed: But sir, I was following y-
Archer: No excuses! This crew can’t afford to have any dimwits who think they can solve a problem just by firing a phase pistol at it.
Mayweather: Will you be leaving too, sir?
Sato: Captain, look!
The blue thing swirls around T’Pol, and suddenly they both disappear.
Tucker: Oh no--they’ve taken T’Pol! What’ll we do, Cap’n?
Archer: Break out the champagne on ice--this calls for a celebration!
Change of scene: Archer in his quarters, tossing a ball up in the air. He tosses it too high and it hits the ceiling, breaking a light fixture. The door chime sounds.
Archer: (collecting himself and his ball) Uh, come in.
Reed enters and stands just inside the threshold.
Archer: What do you want?
Reed: Sir, that derelict ship we found--well, I’ve been scanning it and I think I may have found-
Archer: What?! You’re not allowed to do that--you’re fired, remember?
Reed: Sir, I just thought you’d want to know-
Archer: Well I don’t! Now don’t touch any more Starfleet equipment--and that includes the female officers!
Reed: (sighing heavily) Aye, sir.
Reed leaves. A muffled conversation is heard outside. A few seconds later, the door chimes again.
Archer: Mr. Reed, I told you, I don’t want-
Sato: It’s me, sir--Ensign Sato.
Archer: Oh. Come in.
Sato enters.
Archer: What is it--Reed didn’t touch you, did he?
Sato: Sir?
Archer: Oh never mind. What is it?
Sato: Sir, one of the bridge officers, who will remain nameless, has been scanning the derelict ship and thinks he’s found out where they’ve taken T’Pol.
Archer: Ah, excellent news. Send Trip in here.
Sato: Uh, why sir?
Archer: Ostensibly so we can have a character building discussion, but actually it’s because the writers couldn’t think of another lead-in to the next scene.
Sato: Oh. (she leaves)
Another muffled conversation is heard outside. A few seconds later, Tucker enters.
Tucker: You wanted to see me, Cap’n?
Archer: You could have waited until I asked you to come in.
Tucker: Oh, sorry.
Archer: Has everyone just been waiting outside my quarters all this time?
Tucker: No sir! I don’t know where you got that
idea.
Brief cut to hallway: we see Reed, Sato, Mayweather, Phlox, and several unidentified crewmen , all with their ears to Archer’s door. Back to the interior of Archer’s room.
Tucker: So, what did you want to see me about?
Archer: Good question. Let’s go over here, by the shower.
Tucker: I’m not sure I like the sound of this...
Archer: You’ll see why in a minute...ah ha!
Tucker: What?
Archer: Look, Trip, there’s someone in my shower!
Tucker: Is it a babe?
Archer: I don’t know...it looks more like Captain Picard.
Tucker: Is there something I should know about you, Captain?
Archer: Shush! I wonder who it could be? What bald person would be in my shower at a time like this?
Tucker: The suspense is killing me....
Archer: Look, whoever it is is turning around!
Tucker: It is a babe...in fact, it looks like...T’Pol. She’s opening the door!
Archer: It is T’Pol! Man, what did she do, shave her head? That’s just weird!
Tucker: Taking a shower with her clothes on it what’s really weird...not to mention unfair....
T’Pol: (in a strange, computerized voice) Greetings, carbon units. I represent B’Jer, and I wish to speak to the creators.
Archer: The creators of what?
T’Pol: (dryly) The creators of this series--it’s about my acting contract.
Voice: Cut!
Change of scene: Tucker and T’Pol are in T’Pol’s quarters.
Tucker: Now, the captain asked me to try to stimulate you, so let’s get to it!
T’Pol: I believe he said to try to stimulate my memory--and nothing else.
Tucker: Are you sure?
T’Pol: Absolutely.
Tucker: I never get to have any fun. Okay...here, this is a game that T’Pol and I used to play, called strip poker. The rules are pretty simple-
T’Pol: I do not recall playing any games with you--certainly not one called “strip poker.”
Tucker: Oh. You wanna learn?
T’Pol: No thank you.
Tucker: (going over to stand in front of a large mirror) Maybe if you took a look at yourself, you’d get your memory back.
T’Pol: (looking at herself in the mirror) I see nothing to awaken any memories.
Tucker: Maybe not, but I feel something awakening when I look a-
T’Pol: (interrupting him in her normal voice) I believe we are straying from the point.
Tucker: Well then try this. (produces a dark colored band and puts it on T’Pol’s bald head) There, does that ring a bell?
T’Pol: I have seen this before.
Tucker: Probably on Captain Picard--it saved money to reuse the
prop.
Change of scene: the bridge. Archer and most of the bridge crew are present. Reed is sitting cross-legged on the floor playing with a yo-yo.
Archer: Is that the planet the trail leads to?
Mayweather: What trail?
Archer: The warp plasma-thingamijig trail that we’ve been following for the last three hours!
Mayweather: No one told me about it!
Archer: You’re the helmsman--if you didn’t steer us this way who did?
Mayweather: Oh, I’m not sure...I’ve been playing solitaire.
Archer: You’re fired! Uh, someone take the helm...you, the guy on the floor playing with the yo-yo!
Reed: Me, sir?
Archer: Yeah, take the helm.
Reed: I’m not allowed to sir--you sacked me too, remember?
Archer: Okay, you’re reinstated--take the helm.
Reed: Aye, sir.
Reed gets up and goes to the helm. On the way he passes the yo-yo over to Mayweather, who goes and sits on the floor and starts playing with it.
Archer: Now, is that the right planet?
Reed: According to the helm, we’ve been running around in circles for the past three hours.
Archer: You mean, it’s not the right planet?
Reed: Oh it is, sir--we’ve just passed it a few times before.
Archer: Okay, time to get down there--let’s go!
Sato: Sir, according to my scans the atmosph-
Archer: Who cares?! Reed, Sato--get down to the launch bay! I’ll go get Trip and T’Pol.
Reed: But sir, who’ll fly the ship?
Archer: I don’t know...there’s gotta be someone else--it doesn’t take much to steer a spaceship once it’s in orbit!
Reed: Well who’s going to take command while we’re all gone?
Archer: What about that guy we used to have on board--the boomer guy who never shut up?
Reed: That’s Mayweather, sir. You fired him, remember?
Archer: Oh yeah. Okay, Travis, you’re reinstated--take command while all the rest of the senior bridge crew is down on that dangerous-looking planet.
Mayweather: Aye, sir.
Sato: Uh, Captain...you don’t really need me on that planet, do you?
Archer: What a stupid question--need a translator on a barren planet without any signs of intelligent life whatsoever? Of course we need you--get your butt down to that launch bay!
Sato: (muttering to Reed as they board the turbolift)
Why can’t we have a captain with an IQ above the speed limit?
We see the surface of a barren, rocky planet, somewhat reminiscent of Sha Ka Ree. An Enterprise shuttlepod comes in to land, very roughly. It wings several boulders before hitting the ground and skidding for 50 meters or so before it comes to a stop. Cut to interior: Everyone is sprawled on the floor, moaning in pain.
Archer: That’s the worst shuttlepod landing I’ve ever been in! Who was flying this thing?
Reed: You were, sir.
Archer: Oh...well, actually it wasn’t that bad....
They all file out onto the barren landscape. They look around.
Tucker: So, which way do we go sir?
Archer: How the hell do I know? Ask her.
T’Pol: B’Jer lives on this planet.
Archer: We know that, but where?
T’Pol: On the planet surface.
Tucker: This is gonna be a long day....
Archer: Come on, we’ll walk toward the sunset--it looks pretty.
Sato: So much for rhyme and reason.
Reed: I thought that went way back in the pilot.
Mix to the five of them walking along the planet surface. Rousing music accompanies their journey. They come to a steep slope and start down it. The music continues to rise in intensity as Tucker trips over a boulder. In slow motion, he goes sliding down the slope on his stomach, getting a faceful of dust in the process. Finally, they come to a fairly open area, with a boulder here and there. Archer stops.
Tucker: Why have we stopped, Cap’n?
Archer: I’ve got a rock in my shoe.
Suddenly the ground starts shaking, and pillars of rock shoot up out of the ground to encircle and tower above the five crewmembers. A blue haze starts to form just above the ground, in the center of the circle of pillars.
Sato: I think it’s time to leave now....
The blue haze forms itself into the image of the head of an old man with a beard.
Archer: T’Pol, is this B’Jer?
T’Pol: No, B’Jer is over there behind that rock.
Archer: Oh. Then let’s go.
Blue guy: (booming voice) Greetings, I am God.
Sato: That explains a lot.
Archer: Uh...greetings, oh great energy blue god guy...um, what do you want with us?
Tucker: Yeah, don't tell us you made all those rocks shoot up just to impress us with your powers.
Blue guy: (looking critically at Tucker) Are you a god?
Tucker: Heh, well...some chicks have hinted at that...but I guess I'd have to say no.
Blue guy: Then....DIE!!! (shoots a bolt of energy at Tucker; everyone goes flying except T'Pol, who stands calmly, watching the others)
Archer: (struggling to get to his feet) Whoa! Is everyone okay?
Reed: Trip, when somebody asks you if you're a god, you say yes.
Tucker: Oh.
Archer: Well, this has been interesting Mr. Blue-bearded godly person...but T'Pol wants us to go meet B'Jer, so we'd better be going....
Blue Guy: Just a moment...bring your ship closer....
Archer: What does a blue energy guy need with a starship?
Blue guy: Bring the ship closer, and I will explain....
Archer: Oh. Okay...Archer to Enterprise.
Cut to the bridge: Mayweather is in command.
Mayweather: Hi, captain.
Archer: Travis, bring the ship in closer to the planet.
Mayweather: Do what?
Cut back to the planet: Reed, Sato, and Tucker look warily at the blue guy.
Archer: Just do it, Ensign--that’s an order. Follow it blindly.
Mayweather: (over the comm) Well, okay, but--AAAAHHHHH!! There’s a bad guy Klingon ship trying to kill us!
Archer: Is this some kind of feeble attempt to disobey orders?
Mayweather: No! Listen!
Klingon commander: (cheesy Russian villain accent) Heh heh heh! You puny Earth creatures cannot hope to oppose the mighty Klingon Empire! Ve are inwincible!!
Archer: Come on, Travis, he doesn’t sound so tough--shoot that ship down and then bring Enterprise closer to the planet!
Mayweather: I’ll do my best, sir, but this is gonna take some time....
Archer: How’d a Klingon ship sneak up on you anyway?
Mayweather: Someone wasn’t paying attention--probably the weapons officer.
Archer: Mr. Reed, you’re fired.
Reed: But sir, I’m down here!
Archer: And slacking off on your job! Now, Mr. energy guy....
Blue guy: You have failed to bring your ship closer! I shall destroy you!!
Archer: Mr. Reed, shoot that thing!
Reed: Sorry sir, but as I’m no longer in Starfleet I’m not allowed to use a phase pistol anymore.
Archer: You’re reinstated--now kill it!
Reed shoots the blue guy; sparks fly everywhere and the energy seems to dissipate.
Archer: Good job.
The blue guy reappears on the other side of the crewmembers. A high-pitched sound is heard, and a photon torpedo plummets out of the sky, nuking the blue guy and throwing Archer and the others to the ground. Archer’s communicator beeps.
Mayweather: (over the comm) Sorry, captain--we were trying to hit the Klingons. Blame the weapons officer.
Archer: Mr. Reed, you’re fired again.
Reed: (sighing) Fair enough, sir.
Tucker: Captain, look!
We see T’Pol standing in front of a large box. The crew gathers around.
Archer: Is this what we’ve come for? Could it be...B’Jer?
Tucker: Look, there’s some writin’ on it!
Archer: B...J..E..R.......B’Jer! (rubs at the letters) Wait a minute, that’s not the whole thing! B..E..E..F...J..E..R..K..Y.......Beef Jerky!!
Tucker: What’s “Beef Jerky” doing written on BJER’s box?
Archer: Hoshi, you’re supposed to know these things--what does it mean?
Sato: It means the writers have run out of original ideas again.
T’Pol: B’Jer wishes to find the creator.
Archer: Too late--we just blasted him.
T’Pol: B’Jer wishes to learn about humanity.
Archer: Well, you’ve got four fine examples right here.
T’Pol: B’Jer will join with one individual.
Archer: How can we join with a box of beef jerky?
Tucker: That’s easy--we eat it!
Archer: What? You think it’s still edible?
Tucker: As edible as it ever was.
Reed: (scanning with his tricorder) Er, Captain, I don’t she meant joining with the box--I’ve been scanning and-
Archer: Shut up--you’re fired, remember? You shouldn’t be looking
at that tricorder--it’s classified!
Reed sighs and hands the tricorder over to Sato.
Sato: Uh, Captain?
Archer: What?!
Sato: According to this tricorder, there’s a huge energy source emanating from T’Pol.
Archer: How strange....
Tucker: Aw, now wait a minute--she’s the way B’Jer communicates with us, right?
Archer: Right....
Tucker: And that means that if B’Jer wants someone to join with him, it would have to be through her.
Archer: Ahhh....
Tucker: Yeah. So the question is, which one of us gets to join with her? There’s gotta be a fair way to decide.
Archer: Well whatever it is, Reed doesn’t get to take part in it--just us Starfleet guys!
Reed: That’s quite all right, sir; I’m only interested in that sort of thing when it involves talented communications officers.
Sato: If you think that’s going to make up for what happened on the last planet...you’re absolutely right.
Archer: Trip, I’ve been thinking...it might look bad on my record if I’m the one who joins with her, so if you really want to do this, I’ll step aside.
Tucker: Oh boy--I get to join with T’Pol!
Archer: Easy, Trip--don’t get too carried away.
T’Pol: It is time to join with B’Jer.
Tucker: Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
Reed: Why do these shows always seem to degenerate into cheap sexual references?
Archer: You’re the one who’s usually responsible--you
tell me!
Tucker steps up to T’Pol and grins at her. She slaps him.
Archer: Well, that’s certainly normal.
Tucker and T’Pol are surrounded by a bright blue light.
Archer: Just think, us three are witnessing the birth of a brand new life form!
Sato: We three.
Archer: Pardon?
Sato: We!
Archer: Well, if you must Ensign, but don’t be too long--with Trip and T’Pol doing their thing and Reed stripped of his rank, you’re now my most seniorest officer.
Sato: Every day I get a better understanding of how the Bounty’s crew felt.
Reed: Captain, look!
Archer: How many times have we used that line in this episode?
Reed: (pointing) Look!
Archer: I don’t listen to non-Starfleet people.
Reed: (to Sato) You tell him.
Sato: Sir, that blue guy’s back, and he doesn’t look happy!
Archer: So what? I’m not afraid of some stupid blue guy who doesn’t even have a real body!
Sato: But sir, he’s probably powerful enough to destroy all of us!
Archer: Yeah right--hey, blue guy! (sticks his tongue out)
Sato: Captain, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
Blue guy: Yoooouuuu!
Archer: (panicking) Malcolm, shoot it!
Reed: But sir, I-
Archer: All right, you’re a damned lieutenant again--just do
it!
Reed shoots the blue guy.
Archer: Well, that seems to be taken care of....
Tucker: Hey, how come we’re not joining with each other?
T’Pol: Here, eat this. (hands him a stick of beef jerky)
Tucker: Man, this episode sucks!
Mayweather: (on the comm) Hey, Captain, we’ve made friends with the Klingons! They sent us some live worms!
Archer: Cool! Are they, like, pets or something?
Mayweather: I wish! I think we’re supposed to eat them.
Archer: Raw or cooked?
Mayweather: Live.
Archer: Well, we said we wanted to get to know other cultures....
Mayweather: Well we’d better think of something, because the worms are eating all our other food!
Archer: Any ideas, people?
Tucker: Well....
Archer: Wait a minute, it’s obvious! We’ll take B’Jer back to the ship!
Sato: I don’t think I could stand to eat beef jerky for a month or however long it takes to get to a supply stop.
Archer: You don’t have to--you can always eat the worms! Let’s go.
Tucker: What about me and T’Pol?
T’Pol: I don’t know what came over me.
Tucker: You mean, you’re back to normal?
T’Pol: Yes, I believe so.
Archer: Okay, let’s go!
Sato: This is a lame ending.
Reed: Not compared to some, believe me....
Archer: Well what would you like? Some sort of implausible scenario
with naked women dancing to distract the bad guys?
Cut to a new scene on the same planet: Sato is wearing practically nothing, and is holding two palm fronds.
Sato: I’m not sure about this....
Archer: You’re the one who complained about the ending.
Sato: Where did we get these palm fronds anyway?
Tucker: I don’t know, but they sure do suit you...whooh!
Archer: That’s enough, Trip. Now, Malcolm.....uh, Malcolm? Malcolm!
Reed: (tearing his eyes away from Sato) Er--what sir?
Archer: Oh never mind.
Sato: Captain, what exactly am I supposed to be doing?
Archer: Okay, so you’re going to be distracting the blue guy.
Sato: The one that we keep blasting into smitherines?
Archer: Yep. And while you’re doing that, the rest of us’ll get into the shuttlepod and fly away.
Sato: Now I know I don’t like this plan.
Archer: You’re right...we need someone else to stay behind and hide behind you, so he can pop up and shoot the blue guy when he appears.
Tucker: I’ll volunteer for that, sir!
Archer: No, we need someone more experienced...like the captain.
Reed: With all due respect, sir, I think it’s a job for the weapons officer.
Sato: Will you guys make up your minds? This outfit is very drafty.
Archer: So we’ve noticed.
Tucker: I still don’t know why T’Pol can’t distract the blue guy too--wouldn’t it help to have two distractions?
Archer: I told you, the United Vulcan Actors’ Guild won’t allow her to dress in scanty clothes.
Reed: (succumbs to a violent coughing fit)
Archer: You okay Malcolm? Well anyway, we’re getting off the point. The question is, who’s going to pop up behind Hoshi?
Reed: (manages to get ahold of himself) Before you make a decision, sir, I’d just like to point out that whoever gets the job will be in considerable danger of being blasted out of existence by the, er, blue guy.
Archer: You’re right, Lieutenant--you’ve got the job.
Tucker: (to Reed) I’ll have to remember that one next time.
Sato: There isn’t going to be a next time!
Archer: Okay, let’s get ready to put this plan into action--Hoshi, you go and stand on the top of that hill, so that you’re silhouetted against the moon.
Sato: Sir, this planet doesn’t have a moon.
Archer: Are you sure? Well gosh, that just blasts the whole plan to hell, doesn’t it?
T’Pol: Perhaps it would be simpler if we all returned to the ship and had a cocktail party with the Klingons.
Archer: Good idea! Let’s go, people...wait a minute, what’s wrong with Malcolm?
Tucker: (gesturing to Reed, who has broken down in tears) I think he’s overwhelmed by the good news that he doesn’t get to hide behind Ensign Sato while she’s doing her-
Archer: All right--I get the picture! Don’t worry, Malcolm, there’ll be plenty of opportunities for Ensign Sato to publicly embarrass herself in the future, and I’ll get you a front row seat.
T’Pol: Remind me to stow away on the next Vulcan ship we meet up with....
Sato: I'm right behind you....
Change of scene: the cafeteria of the Enterprise. Large Klingons are milling about, shoving humans aside as they go. Archer, Tucker, and T’Pol are standing next to the window, surveying the crowd.
Archer: This was a good idea, T’Pol. These Klingons aren’t so
bad, once you get to know them.
A Klingon throws Mayweather over a table.
Archer: See? Even Travis is making friends with them.
Tucker: (going over to help Mayweather up) You okay?
Mayweather: Yeah.
Tucker: You must’ve done something to provoke him.
Mayweather: No, honest sir! All I did was start telling him one of my ghost stories!
Tucker: That would explain it.
Across the room, Phlox is chatting with the Klingon commander.
Phlox: So you see, all sorts of things can be used for medical purposes--take those worms you sent us, for example.
Klingon commander: Gagh is not meant for medical purposes. It is meant to be eaten wery slowly, so that you can feel it sqvirming as it goes down your throat.
Phlox: Precisely! One dose of that and it’ll cure any crewmember
of all sorts of trivial things! Discomfort is always relative, don’t you
think?
The Klingon commander throws Phlox across the room.
Phlox: For instance, I won’t be complaining of any minor pains
for a week...Owwwww....
In another part of the room, Reed is leaning against the wall, watching a group of surely Klingons. Sato approaches.
Sato: Hi, enjoying the party?
Reed: I’d be enjoying it more if these Klingons weren’t here.
Sato: They are a bit rowdy, aren’t they?
Reed: The captain won’t let me shoot them, either. He says it would be bad for galactic peace.
Sato: Probably would. (another Klingon throws an Enterprise crewmember over a table) Then again, I see your point.
Reed: It’s frustrating being the security chief when your hands are tied.
Sato: It must be. (another Klingon throws Tucker into the window) Still, shouldn’t you do something?
Reed: That’s just it--my hands are tied. (turns around to reveal that his hands are bound by rope behind his back) I’ve been trying to get the knot undone, but apparently the captain used to be a scout.
Sato: The captain did this to you?
Reed: He said something about not trusting me not to shoot the Klingons.
Sato: I think that’s awful!
Reed: So do I. (the Klingon commander throws Archer into the food dispenser) But I suppose I should try to do something, even if that something isn’t particularly bright. (shouting to the Klingons) Hey, stop that!
Klingon: What did you say, human?!
Reed: Er, nothing...nothing at all--don’t mind me!
Sato: That was impressive.
Reed: Yes, well even though I’ve been trained in all sorts of hand-to-hand combat, I don’t fancy my chances against a Klingon warrior when my hands are tied behind my back.
Sato: Here, I’ll untie you.
Reed: No--that’s quite all right!
Back over to Archer: he is holding a blood-stained tissue to his nose.
Archer: So, Mr. Klingon Commander, I understand that this is the way you Klingons greet outsiders.
Klingon commander: You humans are puny and veak!
Archer: Where was your Universal Translator manufactured, Moscow?
Klingon commander: Yes, and they gave us a wery good deal--all we had to give them in return vere some nuclear wessels.
Archer: Nuclear what?
Klingon commander: Wessels, nuclear wessels. Didn’t Star Trek
IV show on your planet?
Back to Reed and Sato. They are joined by Mayweather.
Mayweather: Hi guys, how’re you doing?
Reed: As well as can be expected, Travis.
Mayweather: Why do you have your hands tied behind your back...? (glances at Sato) Whoa! Sorry, guys--I didn’t mean to intrude.
Reed: Er...no, you’ve got the wrong idea-
Mayweather: Hey, no offense, but, uh, maybe you guys should find somewhere private to do that kind of thing--like maybe a turbolift?
Reed: (to Sato) Would you mind slugging him for me?--I seem to be a bit tied up at the moment.
Sato: With pleasure. (slugs Mayweather, knocking him to the floor)
Reed: Ah, that felt so good.
Mayweather: (getting up and rubbing his jaw) I thought the three of us were supposed to be friends--you know, like the three musketeers or something!
Sato: Yeah, but they were always fighting too. (takes a sip of her drink)
Reed: Could I have a taste of that?
Sato: Sure. (holds the glass up for him)
Mayweather: Aw, isn’t that sweet?
Sato: You want another bruise to match, buddy?
Reed: Mmm...what is this stuff?
Sato: I’m not sure, but I think Dr. Phlox got it for us.
Reed: It has such an interesting blue color....
Sato: Yeah, and it’s starting to make me feel weird.
Mayweather: Hey, Dr. Phlox! What is this stuff?
Phlox: (shouting from across the room, where he is administering
first aid to Tucker) It’s called Romulan Ale--I got it really cheap
on the black market!
The Klingon commander overhears.
Klingon commander: Romulan? Ve are drinking Romulan svill?! (a commotion ensues, in which several Klingons start smashing tables)
Archer: Come now, I’m sure we can all be friends!
Klingon commander: Friends don’t let friends drink Romulan svill!
Back to Reed, Sato, and Mayweather.
Reed: I thought the Klingons and Romulans were allies at this point in history.
Sato: No, I think that’s later--and even then they don’t really like each other.
Mayweather: Have we even met the Romulans yet?
Sato: Don’t split hairs, Travis.
A bunch of shapely Klingon females enter; all are wearing revealing uniforms.
Mayweather: Ooohhh...look what just walked in....
Reed: I'm looking, I'm looking.... (Sato elbows him in the
ribs) Oww! I’m not looking....
Archer gets up on one of the few tables that’s still intact and starts making a drunken speech.
Archer: I’ve never trusted Klingons and I never will--I’ve never
been able to forgive them fo-
Several Klingons throw him across the room.
Sato: You know, I think we should have stuck with the lame ending we had before.
Reed: I can’t even remember what the plot was back then.
Sato: We found B’Jer, remember?
Reed: Oh yeah....
Sato: There’s got to be a better way to end this.
Mayweather: We could build a snowman out of jello.
Sato: I don’t think so, Travis.
Reed: I know! We could have Hoshi dancing almost-naked on one of the tables to distract the Kling- Oww!!
Sato: You really enjoy pain, don’t you?
Reed: I think this Romulan Ale is making me a little tipsy.
Mayweather: Me too...I’m starting to see visions of spirits floating around the room...which reminds me of a ghost story we used to tell on my ol- OWW!!
Sato: Sorry, but it had to be done.
Reed: Well, I guess it’s just going to have to be a sudden ending.
2001--Commander Illani
