Disclaimer: Paramount owns Enterprise and all of its characters; I am only writing this silly piece of fiction for kicks.
Note: This is one of my series of parodies on Enterprise. Take it seriously at your own risk.
Setting: The weird time room/echo chamber on the Helix. Silik is standing on a platform, talking to Future Guy.
Silik: What is thy bidding, my master?
Future Guy: Build me an army worthy of Mordor.
Cut to a shot of the Enterprise drifting leizurely through space at impulse. Then cut to the bridge.
Archer: Okay, what have we got today?
No one answers.
Archer: Come on, I know one of you must have found a planet or a wrecked ship or something we can waste our time with!
Another long pause.
Archer: Look, we've been going for days now without seeing anything--there must be something out here!
Mayweather: We're not going to get anywhere just going at impulse.
Archer: Then why aren't we going faster?
Mayweather: You never ordered it!
Reed: (dryly) I can already tell this
is going to be an interesting episode.
Cut to the mess hall. Sato is sitting at a table minding her own business. Phlox comes to join her.
Phlox: May I sit here?
Sato: Of course.
Phlox: (sits) I must say I still find human rituals to be fascinating. Take mealtimes, for inst-
Sato: Is it too late to retract the offer?
Cut to Silik.
Silik: Now, let me get this straight: you want me to go to the Enterprise and steal Archer's dog?
Future Guy: That is correct.
Silik: May I ask what that would accomplish?
Future Guy: No, you may not. I have told you all that you need to know, so obey my orders like the true lackey you are!
Silik: Can I just ask one more question?
Future Guy: (sighing) What?
Silik: What's Mordor?
Cut back to the mess hall.
Sato: You know this is a bad episode when they keep coming back to us. I mean, it's not like you and I are doing anything!
Phlox: Be careful, Ensign--you're giving the Phlox/Hoshi shippers ammunition.
Sato: Phlox/Hoshi shippers? Is there such a thing?
Phlox: Are you kidding?
Cut to the bridge.
Archer: Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, then I'm ordering you to do it now.
Mayweather: You have to say the magic word.
Archer: Please!
Mayweather: No, the other magic word!
Archer: Uh, cheese?
Reed: Will someone please put me out of my misery?
Cut to the mess hall.
Sato: I mean, come on! It's bad enough when they run out of ideas halfway through the story, but this one didn't even have one to begin with!
Phlox: Don't worry, I'm sure it'll pick up once Silik shows
up.
Cut to Silik; he is now standing in a different room on the Helix, giving orders to a bunch of Suliban.
Silik: Okay, so you understand what to do? We go in there and kidnap Jon's Beagle. No killing redshirts, no stealing valuable equipment, and no blowing up the ship. Understand?
Suliban Guy: Yeah, just one question.
Silik: What?
Suliban Guy: What's this Mordor place you keep talking
about?
Cut to the bridge.
Archer: Okay, I give up. What is the magic word?
Mayweather: Engage! Don't you know anything about being a Starship captain?
Archer: I'll take that as a rhetorical question.
Mayweather: That's good, 'cause no one else will.
Cut to the mess hall.
Sato: We're on camera again.
Phlox: Mind you, I do enjoy watching people eat.
Reed: (sitting down opposite Phlox) Mind if I join you? (without waiting for a response) Good.
Sato: Aren't you supposed to be on the bridge?
Reed: (darkly) Don't even talk to me about
the bridge.
Cut to the bridge.
Archer: Okay, so what speed do you think we should go at?
Mayweather: Well, if we go at Warp 1, it'll take a long time to get there. If we go at Warp 5, the engines'll burn out and we'll probably die. Which do you prefer?
Archer: Um....
Mayweather: Take your time, sir.
Cut to the mess hall.
Reed: Oh to hell with this! (stands up and shouts off camera) We're ready for the bad guys to come in!
Shran and Tholos jump in from the side.
Shran: You called?
Reed: I didn't mean you.
Shran: Why not? You'd rather have Silik? Now that's a pathetic excuse for a villain if I ever saw one!
Reed: At least he is a villain.
Shran: (narrowly) Was that supposed to be an insult?
Reed: No, it's just that the last few times we've met you, you've been on our side.
Shran: Good villains always switch sides from time to time.
Reed: (frustrated) Look, you're not supposed to be in this episode! This is an episode about the Temporal Cold War, and the Andorians have nothing to do with it!
Shran: Who says?
Reed: (temporarily stumped) Well, um....
Shran: No one says! For all you know, Future Guy could be an Andorian!
Sato: Wouldn't we be able to see his antennae?
Shran: He might have them slicked down.
Reed: Don't be utterly ridiculous.
Shran: Since when are you an expert on Andorians?
Reed: Well I'm not, but it's perfectly clear to anyone that Future Guy is not an Andorian.
Shran: Well who do you think he is? (no one answers) None of you even has a guess?
Sato: He could be that Daniels guy.
Phlox: Or an evil version of Captain Archer from the future.
Reed: Nah, he's probably just a Romulan.
Sato: Shhhh! We're not supposed to know about them yet!
Reed: Oh...er...I meant a Vulcan.
Shran: If he's a Vulcan he's gonna see the wrong end of my grenade launcher!
Sato: Hey, speaking of Vulcans, has anyone noticed T'Pol isn't in this episode?
Phlox: Oh, didn't you hear? She's still in the decon chamber after that incident with the contaminated pecan pie.
Reed: Come to think of it, I haven't seen Trip in this episode either.
Phlox: Well naturally--he's in decon as well.
Shran: What?!
Phlox: Who do you think gave her the pie? They've been in there for several hours now.
Shran: I'll kill him!
Sato: Another jealous suitor....
Reed: (to Shran) When exactly was it that you started having a crush on T'Pol?
Tholos: (restraining Shran, who has a look of murderous rage about him) He's a copycat--I was the one who had a thing for her first.
Shran: (still struggling) Yeah, yeah, we all know about that.
Reed: So when did you first have a thing for her? Don't be afraid to own up--we're all in the same boat.
Shran: (calming down momentarily) Well, I admit, I sort of had a thing for her in "Shadows of P'Jem," but I don't think I was really hooked until "Acquisition."
Tholos: You weren't in "Acquisition."
Shran: That's what you think.
Cut to the bridge.
Archer: Okay, so let me get this straight: if we go at Warp 1, we-
Redshirt at Tactical Station: Sir! There's a bunch of Suliban ships following us!
Archer: Just wait a minute, will ya? I can't say anything without getting interrupted anymore. Now, where was I?
RaTS: One of them's approaching the launch bay! The launch bay doors are opening!
Archer: I said don't interrupt! Why is it that no one ever follows my orders anymore?
RaTS: Several Suliban are heading for your quarters, sir!
Archer: (ignoring him) Now you said Warp 1
was really slow, but Warp 5 was suicide, right?
Cut to an Enterprise corridor. Shran is running down it at full speed, pursued by Reed, Sato, Tholos, and finally Phlox.
Shran: I'll kill him!
Sato: (shouting) Hey, wait up, will ya?
Shran: If any one of you thinks you can stop me, you'd better think again!
Sato: Who said anything about stopping you? We want to watch!
They round a corner and come face to face with five Suliban, including Silik. Silik has Porthos under his arm.
Silik: Ah, glad you could all join the party.
Reed: What are you doing here? And what are you doing with Porthos?!
Silik: I am kidnapping him. So there!
Sato: You can't take Porthos--he's the cutest member of the crew!
Reed: I feel hurt.
Sato: Sorry, but the truth hurts sometimes.
Silik: So, Malcolm and Hoshi, how have you been keeping?
Shran: Just a minute! Don't talk to those two like the rest of us aren't here!
Silik: I can't address the rest of you.
Shran: Why not?
Silik: You don't have first names.
Reed: This script is getting so stupid....
Silik: Don't look at me--I just do what I'm told. I just didn't expect them to show up. (gestures at the Andorians)
Shran: Believe me, I'm beginning to wish we hadn't.
Silik: (squinting at Shran) What's that?
Shran: What?
Silik: That thing in your pants.
Shran: (narrowing his eyes) I hope for your sake that you have a very good followup to that line.
Silik: I mean that bulge.
Shran: (getting ready to punch him) That wasn't good enough.
Tholos: (to Shran) He means the device.
Shran: Oh. (pulls a small device out of his pocket) You mean this?
Silik: That's it. What is it?
Tholos: It's a device.
Silik: What kind of device?
Tholos: A plot device.
Reed: It's not working very well, is it?
Shran: Shut up!
Cut to the bridge.
Archer: Are we going anywhere yet?
Mayweather: You still haven't said the magic word.
Archer: I thought I did.
Mayweather: Nope.
Archer: Spose I'll get beat up in this episode?
Mayweather: Since you haven't left the bridge, unlikely.
Archer: What if someone on the bridge beats me up?
Mayweather: Like who?
Archer: Like that redshirt over there.
Mayweather: You're afraid of getting beat up by a redshirt? Sir, you officially need help.
RaTS: Can I do it? Can I do it?
Cut to the others.
Silik: Give me that plot device!
Shran: What if I don't want to?
Silik: We can always settle this the old-fashioned way: man to man!
Shran: Fine with me!
Shran hands the plot device off to Tholos while Silik hands Porthos off to another Suliban. Shran and Silik square off.
Silik: Ha! Now I get to show off my physical superiority with all my fancy genetic enhancements.
Shran: (punches Silik's lights out) Ha! Now that, my friends, is what makes a real villain! (gestures to Silik lying on the floor) Unlike this loser--is that pathetic or what?
Tholos immediately produces an 8X10 of Weyoun lying dead on the floor.
Shran: You are gonna pay for that, buster!
Cut to the bridge. Everyone has passed out except Archer and Mayweather.
Mayweather: (to the camera) Now is that a bleak situation or what?
Voice: Cut!
Cut to the corridor, where Shran is strangling Tholos. Phlox, Sato, and Reed are standing idly by, looking extremely bored. The other Suliban are kneeling over Silik, trying to revive him.
Reed: (looking at his watch and speaking in a sarcastic tone) I wonder if they had this much fun on the DS9 set.
Sato: Nope. I heard they were very serious.
Reed: (nodding in Shran's direction) I find that very difficult to believe.
Sato: I see what you mean.
Tholos: I didn't mean it! Gurgh! Honestly!
Shran: (loosening his grip on Tholos's neck) Do you swear never to mock me again?
Tholos: I swear!
Shran: And do you swear never to bring up any of my death scenes again?
Tholos: Yes!
Shran: (releasing him) All right, I'll let you off this time--but just you remember who's the boss!
Tholos: (mutters something under his breath)
Shran: I heard that! I do not have short antennae!
Reed: Look could we please just drop it and get back to the plot?
Shran: What? Oh. Yes, let's get on with it.
Reed: Right. (to the Suliban) All right, you lot--get off my ship!
Suliban Lieutenant: Get the dog! Let's get out of here!
Sato: No! They're taking Porthos!
Reed: Not so fast!
A scuffle ensues, in which Sato ends up holding Porthos and the Suliban end up with the plot device.
Shran: Hey! Give that back!
Silik: (recovering and beckoning to Shran) Shran, I have...something to tell you.
Shran: Oh you again. I thought you couldn't call me by name.
Silik: I've changed my mind.
Shran: Fine. What is it?
Silik: I...I am your father.
Shran: Don't you give me that crap!
Silik: (angrily) You may have just endangered your future, Shran!
Shran: Shut up!
Enter Archer.
Archer: Hey, how's it going down here? Just thought I'd come down here and see how you guys are handling the plot without me.
Reed: (dryly) I don't know how we've done it without you, sir.
Archer: So, anything I can do?
Silik: (stands up) Yes, as a matter of fact. (punches him in the stomach)
Archer: Umph!
Shran: Hey, don't leave me out! (punches him harder)
Archer: Umph!! Hey, I thought you were on our side!
Shran: I'm in a bad mood!
Archer: Well now I'm in a bad mood too! Malcolm, throw these creeps off my ship! (long pause) Uh, Malcolm?
They all look around, and realize that Reed is nowhere in sight.
Phlox: He must have decided the bridge was a better place afterall.
Sato: Either that or he blew himself out of the nearest airlock. Actually, I've been thinking along the same lines myself.
Archer: Oh come on, Hoshi--what's the matter with everyone today? You're all acting like you're not taking this seriously!
Sato: (rolling her eyes) How incredibly observant of you, captain.
Shran: Look, just tell those Suliban idiots to give me the friggin plot device and Tholos and I will be out of your hair.
Silik: I will give you the plot device in exchange for the dog.
Shran: (shrugs) Sounds fair to me. (tries to grab Porthos from Sato's arms)
Sato: Hey! What do you think you're doing, you creep?
Shran: Look, just give me the stupid dog and we can all go home.
Archer: What's this?
Sato: They came here to kidnap Porthos, sir.
Archer: (gesuring at Shran) What the hell are the Andorians going to do with Porthos?
Shran: Not us--them! (points at Silik)
Archer: Well what are them going to do with Porthos?
Shran: (to Sato) I see what you mean about the airlock.
Sato: You think you've got it bad? I have to put up with this every single day....
Archer: (glaring at Silik) Well, them?
Silik: I beg your pardon?
Archer: I'm talking to you, them! You came here to kidnap my dog, and I want an explanation!
Silik: My name's not them.
Archer: Then whose name is them?
Silik: How am I supposed to know?! Ask them!
Archer: How am I supposed to ask them if I don't know who them is?
Silik: Ask them who them is!
Archer: But I just told you, I can't ask them until them, whoever them is, tells me who them is!
Shran: Gah! I can't take it anymore!! (runs out of shot)
Archer: (pointing in the direction of Shran's escape) Wait a minute, was he them?
Sato: (faints)
Archer: Wait a minute, I think I just got it!
Phlox: Whatever it is, I certainly hope it isn't catching.
2003--Illani
