The NewsMoose Features: Relationship Advice

Why People Run from Relationships
Š 2003 By Rinatta Paries

Understanding a person's circumstances often makes accepting his or her behavior easier. Today's article will make it easier for you to accept and deal with the "running away", whether your partner's or yours - by gaining such understanding.

Please know I am by no means sanctioning or excusing the behaviors I am about to describe. Often, these are not the best relationship or life choices. Nevertheless, these are some of the ways people tend to behave in relationships.

There is an endless list of reasons why people run from relationships, either permanently or temporarily. It is impossible to cover all these here. I will address the eight most common reasons why a person may run from a relationship.
1. It's not the right relationship

Often people run because they simply got into the wrong relationship and could not get out gracefully. Their lack of communication is usually about not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings. Ironically, running away hurts far worse than saying goodbye.
2. Too much intimacy

Intimacy is like a salve; it pulls out all of the yucky, painful stuff from within. When we are loved and our heart is open, joy is not always the only reaction.

The slightest hurt from our beloved can bring on strong feeling or memories. We may once again experience the pain, hurt, anger, disappointment, etc., from past relationships.

And who wants to feel these feelings again? We all should, because part of the gift of being in a good relationship is healing the past. But if you are unaware of this gift/process, you will think the relationship itself is causing you to feel strong negative feelings and you will want to run.
3. A fall from grace

When we enter a new relationship, we tend to idealize our new partner to a certain extent. Unless you are in a new relationship devoid of passion and excitement, you can't help but think you are dating a wonderful person with no faults.

Eventually, about three to six months into the relationship, reality sinks in and each one inevitably falls from grace in the other's eyes. Whether it is personality traits, habits, lifestyle choices, or circumstances, there is always something or many things we grow to dislike about our partner.

Some people do not deal well with this fall from grace. They fully expect their partners to be that ideal person they thought they were dating. How fast and how far they run will reveal their level of disappointment.
4. Too many resentments/too much hurt

Many people feel it is not ok to express negative feelings in a relationship. Unfortunately, negative feelings arise whether we are willing to express them or not.

The ways in which we deal with negative feelings vary -- we might choose to express and deal with them, to suppress them and carry them around, or to run. Over time, if the negative feelings are not expressed, they become so overwhelming that running becomes the only option.

Alternatively, when one partner expresses negative feelings and yet nothing changes in the relationship to make things better, this partner may get so fed up with being unhappy that he or she will run.
5. Fear

Sometimes people run because they are afraid. This can be a fear of any number of things, such as a fear of getting closer and reveling one's true self; a fear of getting hurt; a fear of failing and being ashamed; a fear of getting trapped; a fear of being controlled; a fear of becoming dependent. This list can go on and on.

Fear is a very powerful emotion -- it triggers our fight-or- flight reflex. Often when someone becomes extremely fearful, he or she can't rationally think through these fears and will run.
6. Preoccupied/unavailable

If someone has too much stress or preoccupation with survival going on, he or she may run in order to deal with the stress.

Some people are social types who best deal with stress by getting support from others. Others are loners when it comes to stress. When life becomes stressful and overwhelming, they withdraw from other people, and especially intimate relationships. They often resent any support they are offered, and if pushed, run away even further.
7. Low self esteem

If a person does not feel good about himself or herself, the relationship will only go so far before it is stopped. Surprisingly this happens more often than you think.

Many people have low self-esteem and truly do not think they are good enough to be loved, to be known, and truly think they are not worthy. This type of person will never really incorporate a partner into his or her life and will never really allow any significant closeness.
8. Falling out of love

People fall out of love with each other for one of two main reasons:

1) A fall from grace, #3 above, or
2) Too many resentment/too much hurt, #4 above.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
WhatItTakes.com

Resources: Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"