Anne
Xander: Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having... 'Come and get it, Big Boy'?
Xander: I've always been amazed with how Buffy fought, but... in a way, I feel like we took her punning for granted.
Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia. I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia.
Willow: Are they books for me?
Oz: I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down.
Lily: We gave blood lots of times 'cause you get a few bucks. And they have cookies!
Buffy: This'll probably go faster if we split up.
Nurse: What are you doing?
Cordelia: Why do I have to be bait? I'm always bait. Why can't Willow be bait?
Xander: Go away. This is my hiding spot.
Cordelia: What's the plan?
Buffy: Hey, Ken, wanna see my impression of Gandhi?
Joyce: I, um, thought I'd hang a few pieces in here. It cheers up the room.
Buffy: Didn't anyone ever warn you about playing with pointy sticks? It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.
Xander: So where were you? Did you go to Belgium?
Willow: We were getting good. We dusted nine out of ten.
Joyce: Do me a favor? Run down and get the company plates.
Joyce: Do you wanna say something?
Giles: Oh, my God, what a stench!
Oz: It looks dead. It smells dead. Yet it's movin' around. That's interesting.
Giles: It's not as if I'm going to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk.
Cordelia: I'm the dip.
Willow: No, let them go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence... (a zombie crashes through the window)... I was being sarcastic!
Joyce: What do we do if they get in?
Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me!
Oz: Well, what happens if they get the mask?
Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good.
Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Willow: Have you ever noticed, though, when he *is* mad, but he's too English to say anything, he makes that weird cluck-cluck sound with his tongue?
Buffy: Giles, contain yourself. Yes, I'm back in school, but you know how it embarrasses me when you gush so. Let's just skip all that and get straight to work.
Buffy: Okay, Acathla, huh? What are you doing, making him some demon pizza?
Buffy: Oh, no, I have to go take an English makeup exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?
Willow: Are you mad at me?
Willow: Come on, Buffy. I mean, the guy is charm, a-and normal, which is what you wanted to get back to.
Willow: That's not what making out sounds like, unless I'm doing it wrong.
Faith: God, I could eat a horse. Isn't it crazy how slayin' just always makes you hungry and horny?
Cordelia: I get it... Not the horny thing. Yuck! But the two Slayer thing.
Xander: So was this, um, ahem, also naked?
Faith: Oh, it's boring. Way too stuffy for a guy like you.
Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.
Cordelia: What is it with you and Slayers? Maybe I should dress up as one and put a stake to your throat.
Cordelia: Does anyone believe that is her actual hair color?
Giles: What you must realize, Buffy, is that you and Faith have very different temperaments.
Buffy: Oh, the one that nearly bit me mentioned something about kissing toast. He lived for kissing toast.
Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in: coincidence and leprechauns.
Buffy: Okay, you get England on the phone. I'm gonna talk to Faith, see if 'khaki trousers' rings...
Willow: I put those towels up for privacy.
Buffy: But my most favorite thing so far is that he doesn't seem to be any kind of Hell Beast.
Giles: It's good to see you. Um, no need to panic.
Buffy: I'm afraid to ask.
Xander: We're doing crime here. You don't sneak up during crime.
Buffy: What if... I told you that... I had a dream about Angel... and, um... it brought up some questions?
Scott: Hey. Uh... I can't, I can't back you on that lunch. Nutritional demerits.
Oz: Debbie... Well, victim number one, Jeff. He was in jazz band with us. They used to horse around.
Oz: And I'll... go lock myself in the cage.
Oz: Time's up. Rules change.
Buffy: That's better than the estrogen theory. I heard he took all of his mother's birth control pills.
Cordelia: Great. Now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.
Xander: You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people... Back me up here, Oz.
Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all *sweaty*.
Cordelia: Buffy, you look so cute in that outfit.
Willow: Remember the eighth-grade cotillion? You had that clip-on?
Buffy: I've done this before. The only difference being this time, I'm not actually popular. Although, I'm not exactly unpopular. A lot of people came to my welcome home party.
Buffy: Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not gonna hold it against you.
Buffy: You really love Xander?
Cordelia: Why is it every time I go somewhere with you, it always ends in violence and terror?
Oz: I'm gonna go with mud wrestling.
Cordelia: After all that we've been through tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be-queen capade seems pretty...
Buffy: 'B'. I'm going with 'B'. We haven't had 'B' in forever.
Buffy: I just know that us and the undead are the only people in Sunnydale working this late.
Buffy: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming, 'none of the above!'
Cordelia: Oh, God. Are we killing something again?
Cordelia: What? I can't have layers?
Xander: Principal Snyder, thank you! You weren't visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, by any chance?
Xander: Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?
Buffy: That was a year ago. And I don't test well... she said, two days before the SATs.
Buffy: Okay, you're just doing this to take funny pictures of me.
Angel: It's late. How'd you get away?
Joyce: Were you at the Bronze? What was happening there that was so important?
Giles: Uh, alright, come on. Let's, let's not, uh, freak out.
Cordelia: Where is Giles already? I'm bored, and he's not here to give me credit for it.
Snyder: Everybody expects me to do everything around here because I'm the principal. It's not fair.
Willow: Do you know that you have the parking brake on?
Snyder: (to Oz) You've got great hair.
Buffy: No vampire has ever been *that* scary.
Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!
Buffy: Soup's on, but no one's grabbing a spoon.
Willow: God, using candy for evil!
Buffy: Giles, think about this. You wanna fight me, or you wanna let me talk to my mother?
Buffy: Look. A box full of farm-fresh chicken.
Buffy: They never just leave. Always gotta say something.
Cordelia: Busy like a bee, actually. Bee-like!
Willow: A boyfriend? Why wouldn't she tell us?
Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?
Giles: Just find out all you can about the demon, its-its-its strengths, its-its weaknesses, its places of origin, and most importantly, what it plans to do with this blasted glove.
Xander: (to himself) Hey, Giles, here's a nifty idea: why don't I alleviate my guilt by goin' out and gettin' myself really, really killed?
Willow: This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, 'I' statements only. 'I feel angry.' 'I feel worried.'
Buffy: Look, you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. H-he's keeping it safe for us in the mansion.
Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.
Gwendolyn: A word of advice? Vampires rarely knock. Especially in daylight.
Cordelia: So there's no more glove thingy?
Willow: Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.
Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Buffy: Are we cool?
Cordelia: I don't know. I just thought we were gonna do something... you know, classy?
Giles: Buffy, this is, this is remarkable.
Buffy: Okay, but you're just going for a few days, right? I mean, you're not gonna settle there and grow crops or anything.
Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores, and her head spun around and exploded.
Xander: Whoa! It smells like church in here. No, wait... Evil church.
Willow: But you said you wished that these feelings could just go away.
Cordelia: Was Willow messing with her magic tricks again? Maybe they disappeared. Maybe she turned Xander into something ishy.
Buffy: Yeah, either they were taken, or they ran, or maybe...
Spike: You do me now, you'll never find the little witch.
Cordelia: What if they were kidnapped by Colombian drug lords? They could be cutting off Xander's ear right now! Or other parts.
Oz: It's Willow. She's nearby.
Spike: It's your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me. I'm nothing without her.
Spike: Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... blood screaming inside you to work its will. *I* may be love's bitch, but at least *I'm* man enough to admit it.
Spike: I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again.
Willow: Isn't he gonna go poof?
Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really *all* their fault.
Cordelia: But Harmony...
Xander: What's done is done. Let's be in the moment. Behold the beauty that is now. Who's with me?
Xander: Buffy? The Slayer?
Willow: Bored now. This is the part that's less fun. When there isn't any screaming.
Cordelia: No. No! No way! I wish us into Bizarro Land, and you guys are still together?! I cannot win!
Cordelia: No! You have to get Buffy. Buffy changes it. It wasn't like this. It was better. I mean, the clothes alone... But people were happy. Mostly.
Willow: That's right, Puppy... Willow's gonna make you bark.
Buffy: Why don't I just put a stake through her heart?
Buffy: So, are you shopping? You're probably not shopping.
Xander: So, you doing anything special?
Xander: Yeah, I like to look at the stars, you know? Feel the whole nature vibe.
Willow: Mm, after what happened, we gotta cut her some slack.
Oz: This is what I do know: I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso.
Xander: Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and, um, I don't know, maybe I finally got the Chanukah spirit.
Willy: Doesn't ring a bell.
Willy: Hey. You did great, by the way. I was very intimidated by you.
Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering heat.
Jenny/The First: I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
Jenny/The First: You have no idea what you're dealing with.
Buffy: A group of... human beings? Someone with a soul did this?
Xander: Why was your mom there?
Joyce: Are you embarrassed to be hanging out with your mother? I didn't hug you.
Cordelia: You'll be one busy little Slayer, baby-sitting them.
Buffy: Hey. Is Willow around?
Xander: Aw, man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker!
Cordelia: Hey! Get your grubby custodial hands off that.
Giles: They're confiscating my books.
Snyder: Just remember, lift a finger against me, and you'll have to answer to MOO.
Willow: No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion!
Angel: I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to *me*.
Buffy: Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back and getting stronger. Like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Giles: (to the computer) Session interrupted? Who said you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad! No, I said fad. And I'll say it again.
Buffy: We need to get some information.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: So what do we do?
Cordelia: Took you long enough to wake up. My hand hurts.
Cordelia: How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
Willow: You've seen what we can do! Another step and you will all feel my power!
Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math!
Cordelia: God, you really were the little youthful offender, weren't you? You must just look back on that and cringe.
Cordelia: Okay, I think I liked the two little ones more than the one big one.
Buffy: (After Amy the rat doesn't change back) Maybe we should get her one of those wheel thingies.
Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca.
Xander: We're still talking party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff.
Buffy: So, how's it going with Amy the rat?
Buffy: Okay, I just got swatted down by some no-neck and rescued by Cordelia. What the hell is happening?
Xander: Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, Slayer kryptonite.
Angel: You really like it?
Cordelia: Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.
Buffy: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.
Willow: Now, now when you say 'fired', do you mean 'fired'?
Buffy: (Tries to open a peanut butter jar) I'll Just feel better when I get my strength back.
Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Buffy: Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?
Jack: You wanna be startin' somethin'?
Cordelia: Ooo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
Xander: What is the essence of cool?
Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Xander: What do you mean, what is it? It's my *thing*.
Xander: I'll take two glazed, two cinnamon, couple cream-filled, and a jelly. No, no, let's round that out to four jellies.
Giles: Did you eat all the jellies?
Xander: I am really sorry about that. But your car came out of nowhere.
Xander: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, uh, it may technically be a, a sword.
Xander: Uh, this time of night, I'm pretty sure nothing's open... But they're always open for *crime*.... Okay. Now I'm involved in crime. I'm the criminal element. Having a car sure is cool!
Willow: Xander, what are you doing here?
Faith: Just relax... And take your pants off.
Xander: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think... I can't believe I had sex... Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs. Oh, man, I'm outta my league! Buffy'll know what to do.
Xander: Note to self: less talk.
Xander: Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
Faith: Nicely diverted, B!
Xander: Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Buffy: Is he evil?
Giles: You seem to know a lot about them.
Wesley: I don't want to bore you with the details.
Wesley: Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
Buffy: (to Wesley) Don't say anything terribly interesting while I'm gone.
Buffy: I hate it when they drown me.
Giles: Are you alright?
Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: preparation... preparation... preparation.
Xander: Hey! Whoa! Can we resume Buffy's 'Ode to Faith' later, like when I'm not actively multiple-choicing?
Wesley: Ah. There you are.
Wesley: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Giles: If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request you kill me now.
Faith: New Watcher.
Willow: I'm late. I-I'm meeting Michael. The warlock guy? We're still trying to de-rat Amy.
Buffy: I need to talk to you.
Wesley: (On the phone) Yes, hello. Mr. Travers, please. Quentin Travers. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce calling. The code word? Monkey... M-o-n-k... Just put him on, will you? This is an emergency.
Faith: *I* know what this is all about. You just came by here 'cause you want another taste, don't you?
Faith: Finally decided to tie me up, huh? I always knew you weren't really a one-Slayer guy.
Faith: You gonna shrink me now? Is that it?
Buffy: How's she doing?
Angel: But you're not a god. You're not much more than a child. Going down this path will ruin you. You can't imagine the price for true evil.
Giles: You let her get away?
Faith: You sent your boy to kill me.
Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.
Buffy: He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or you ever wanted to be a florist.
Willow: Match? You want us to breed?
Oz: Didn't figure you for missing school.
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
Anya: I'm sort of new here. Um, I know Cordelia?
Buffy: Oh. There you are.
Giles: She was truly the finest of all of us.
Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
Willow: I'm not a *vampire*.
Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Evil Willow: No. This is a dumb world. In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... As far as we know.
Evil Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
Willow: It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay.
Evil Willow: Hey, you.
Xander: So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me?.... Oh, yeah. I'm bad.
Xander: What's this Ascenscion mean?
Xander: Got the address. I beat it out of Willy the snitch personally.
Faith: Look, I'm not so good at apologies. Mostly because I think the world's out to screw me so I'm generally more owed than owing.
Cordelia: You have the greatest voice. Have you ever thought about doing books on tape?
Cordelia: I'm in Wesley's group.
Cordelia: Hey! I know a way to make investigating the Mayor even more boring. On second thought, no, I don't.
Buffy: Faith, listen to me very closely. Angel's a killer. When he's done with me, he'll turn on you.
Wesley: Well, I for one protest. You pitted Slayer against Slayer in a dangerous charade that could've gotten them both killed, without informing me! I'm telling the Council!
Willow: Graduation day. There's a big scary un-fun. At least Angel's not bad, though. That's good, right?
Note: Everything contained within asterisks (**) and italics are people's thoughts which Buffy hears.
Xander: Hogan Martin thinks he's soooo hot. Like we should all be awed by him just 'cause he can put a ball in the net.
Buffy: What?
Willow: What are you doing, Buffy?
Buffy: What if he is right? I'm suddenly gonna grow this demon part and we don't even know what it is. It could be claws, or scales... What?
Xander: You know Oz, I look at all this beauty; all these healthy young women and I wonder why I ever wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her ... she's no better looking then the rest of them.
Angel: An aspect of the demon?
Angel: Hey, I won't let anything happen to you if I can help it. No matter what, I'll always be with you. Hey, I'll love you even if you're covered in slime.
Oz: It was intense.
Willow: **Buffy did the reading? Buffy understood the reading?**
Angel: A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Xander: She can read our minds? Our every impulse and fantasy?
Oz: **I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me and I cease to exist.** Hmm.
Oz: **No one else exists either. Buffy is all of us. We think therefore she is.**
Cordelia: **Whatever. I wonder when I can go.** Whatever. Can I go?
Joyce: Uh, I've uh, I've got laundry.
Xander: You're okay! Can you hear thoughts? (Buffy shakes her head no) Just when I wasn't thinking about sex...
Willow: So you feeling better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, it's nice to be able help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to prom.
Buffy: Sure. We can work out after school... you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my MOTHER! (At which point Giles walks right into a tree.)
Buffy: Well, there's something you don't see every day. Unless, of course, you're me.
Buffy: Do you get the feeling that we're kind of in a rut?
Buffy: You! I mean I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Buffy: I gotta have a plan? Really? I can't just be proactive with pep?
Buffy: So, what's in the box?
Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger.
Oz: Well, we better be sure. Destroying this box is supposed to be a pretty delicate operation.
Xander: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley.
Willow: (to the vampire guard) Oh, uh, I'm looking for a sucking candy, cause my mouth gets dry when I'm nervous, or held prisoner against my will... And suddenly I'm thinking sucking isn't a good word to use around vampires. Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so.
Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient.
Mayor: Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. Guess you kind of just have strange taste in women.
Snyder: You. All of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?
Willow: So Faith was like I'm going to beat you up and I'm all "I'm not afraid of you" and then she had the knife which was less fun...
Angel: Where you going?
Xander: Well, hey, it's demon Anya, punisher of evil males. Still haven't got your powers back?... You haven't right?
Xander: Then why you talking to me?
Anya: When I lost my powers I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
Buffy: So it was blue and sorta short.
Buffy: We'll get you a dress. You know, we should check April Fools.
Buffy: I always say patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinky sewers.
Cordelia: Look! Right there, zoom in on that.
Oz: What's that? Pause it.
Giles: So, we have a threat against the students on their big night, a hellhound trained to attack people in formal wear...
Buffy: No! You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.
Angel: What are you doing here?
Oz: Everything cool?
Welsey: Mr. Giles. I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I want to do is muddle bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance would...
Willow: Well... W-well, the Slayer always says a pun or-or a witty play on words, and I think it throws the vampires off, and, and it makes them *frightened* because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but *you* try it every time.
Willow: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be... Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.
Oz: Well, actually, they're kind of for me.
Willow: I don't get it.
Oz: Well, it's sort of a funny story. You remember when I didn't graduate?
Willow: Well, I know you had a lot of incompletes, but that's what summer school was for.
Oz: Yeah. Well, you remember when I didn't go?
Xander: We're losing half the vamps.
Oz: Yeah, but... rhythmically.
Buffy: You're a fan of the sugar rush?
Lily: It's nice.
Lily: (nods in agreement) Can I come with you?
Buffy: Okay, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files.
Xander: He's already seen Willow. And could you complain louder so that all the vampires leave?
Cordelia: Where do I hide?
Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: And then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.
Lily: Gandhi?
Buffy: Well, you know, if he was really pissed off.
Dead Man's Party
Buffy: It's angry at the room, Mom. It wants the room to suffer.
Buffy: Why would I go to Belgium?
Xander: I think the relevant question is why wouldn't you? Bel-gium!
Oz: Six out of ten.
Willow: Six out of ten.
Xander: Whatever, we were kicking a little undead booty.
Buffy: Mom, Willow and everybody aren't company-plate people. They're normal-plate people.
Joyce: We never have guests for dinner. Indulge your mother?
Buffy: Like what? Thanks for stopping by and dying?
Joyce: How about, um... Good-bye, stray cat, who lost its way. We hope you find it.
Buffy: You know, I wanted Forest Pine or April Fresh, but Mom wanted Dead Cat.
Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?
Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.
Xander: Uh, you gotta admire the purity of it.
Cordelia: What? Onion dip. Stirring, *not* cooking. It's what I bring.
Xander: I kind of think we die.
Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?
Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
Cordelia: It's him.
Giles: If one of them puts it on, they become the demon incarnate.
Cordelia: Worse than a zombie.
Giles: Yes, worse.
Faith, Hope & Trick
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.
Buffy: Hi, Giles!
Willow: Oh, hi! Been there long?
Giles: Oh, ahhhh... Well, I, um... Well-w... O-o-of course, it's wonderful to have you back, i-i-it goes without saying. But... You enjoy making me say it, don't you?
Giles: No, of course not, no. If I were, I would be making a strange clucking sound with my tongue.
Oz: Plus bonus points for use of the word 'mosey'.
Buffy: Well... Sometimes I-I crave a nonfat yogurt afterwards.
Faith: Well, the alligator was.
Cordelia: Xander? Find a new theme.
Buffy: Um, maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is *Giles*.
Faith: I see him. If I'd've known they came *that* young and cute, I would've requested a transfer.
Buffy: Yeah, and mine's the sane one. The girl's not playing with a full deck, Giles. She has almost no deck. She has a three.
Giles: You mean 'Kakistos'?
Buffy: Maybe it was taquitos. Maybe he lived for taquitos.
Giles: Well, Buffy, it's entirely possible that they both arrived here by chance simultaneously.
Buffy: Okay, but I was right about the leprechauns, right?
Giles: Kakistos.
Buffy: Kakistos rings a bell.
Beauty and the Beasts
Xander: Uh, no worries. I can handle the Oz Full Monty. I mean, not 'handle' handle, like 'hands to flesh' handle.
Willow: Mm, okay. Well, it's not for you. It's for me, 'cause I'm still getting used to half a Monty.
Xander: Oh. Good. Half? You and Oz? Which half?
Willow: Wouldn't *you* like to know?
Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.
Buffy: Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical till I was at least forty.
Oz: Just a thought: poker: not your game.
Cordelia: Oz ate someone last night.
Willow: He did not!
Xander: Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun.
Giles: I'd say it was to be expected. Must have been some dream. I didn't think you knew what a card index was for.
Buffy: Oh. My stomach doesn't want hard food today. But there's fruit in it.
Scott: Those are marshmallows.
Buffy: Oh.
Faith: They were screwing?
Oz: I don't think so, but he hid her music comp book once.
Cordelia: He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?
Xander: In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.
Homecoming
Oz: Well, if it's a dollar issue, we could all take my van.
Cordelia: Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn't go to the dance in a van. Use your head.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.
Buffy: I'm not voting for you.
Cordelia: Then make it snappy.
Xander: Hey, I was pretty stylin' with a clip-on.
Willow: And now here we are, and it's... Homecoming.
Xander: Yeah, we should face it, Will. You and I are gonna be in neighboring rest homes while I come over so you can adjust my, um... My, uh... Well, I can't think of anything that's not really gross.
Willow: But they were killed by zombies.
Buffy: Good point.
Willow: No, I'm not a friend. I'm a rabid dog who should be shot!
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.
Buffy: Welcome to my life.
Cordelia: I don't wanna be in your life. I wanna be in my life.
Xander: Oh, God! What did you two do to each other?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.
Buffy: Damn important.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah.
Band Candy
Giles: (exasperated) This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect-the-dots.
Willow: Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams. (gets a look from Buffy) Probably not.
Oz: But they go with everything.
Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
Buffy: Bronze things. Things of Bronze.
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Oz: Something's happening... someplace that's else.
Revelations
Cordelia: Excuse me? When your last steady killed half the class, and then your rebound guy sends you a dump-o-gram? It makes a girl shy.
Xander: But we're the best of Buffy's bestest buds. She'd tell us.
Buffy: Tell you what?
Willow: About your new boyfriend, who we made up. Unless we didn't?
Giles: I think the council might frown upon that.
Xander: Hey, you're not the Watcher of me.
Giles: Then go home. But if you choose to stay, then work.
Cordelia: Fine. Here's one: I feel worried... about me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was *way* more interested in killing her friends.
Xander: Right! Great plan. Leave tons of firepower with the Scary Guy, and leave us to clean up the mess.
Buffy: Right. This is all nobility. This has nothing to do with jealousy.
Cordelia: Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?
Buffy: Don't you start with me.
Willow: Giles, no one's doing the 'I' statements!
Faith: Oh, right.
Xander: No. Little Living Flame, little mesquite, gone for good.
Oz: Sounds like we missed a lot of fun.
Xander: Then we're telling it wrong.
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Xander: Yeah! Just seeing the two of you kissing after everything that happened, I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.
Lovers Walk
Xander: What's classier than bowling?
Cordelia: Apart from everything ever?
Buffy: (holding some camping thing) So is this. Where is this retreat thingy, the Yukon?
Giles: What? Oh, my gear. No, no, this is, this is basic necessities.
Buffy: Giles, you pack like me.
Giles: I-I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?
Buffy: Yes. She was happy.
Xander: Yeah, I wish for a *lot* of things! I told you I wished I was a fireman when we were in sixth grade, but you didn't follow through on that!
Cordelia: You're having too many ors! Pick one!
Joyce: Willow's a witch?
Buffy: And Xander?
Spike: Him, too.
Joyce: What, Xander's a witch?
Cordelia: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume.
Oz: She's afraid.
Cordelia: Oh, my God. Is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
Buffy: That I'll have to agree with. You're pathetic, you know that? You're not even a loser anymore, you're a shell of a loser.
The Wish
Buffy: Mm, I guess these guys don't. We'll have to bury him or something.
Buffy: Your logic does *not* resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
Anya: Oh, she follows me around. If that girl had an original thought, her head would explode.
Buffy: He's actually making sense. We're young and free in America. How dare we be spun by love or the lack of same?
Willow: Absolutely. I-it's self-indulgent. I-I'm in. I'm on the joy train...
Buffy: That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?
Cordelia: No! Buffy the dog-faced girl! Duh! Who do you think I'm talking about?
Cordelia: What's up with you two and the leather?
Giles: She's not a vampire.
Buffy: Mm, well, you'd be surprised how many things that'll kill.
Amends
Angel: I couldn't sleep.
Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.
Angel: Not as a rule.
Buffy: Tree. Nog. Roast beast. Just me and Mom and hopefully an excess of gifts. What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow: Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everybody worships Santa.
Buffy: I just meant for vacation.
Cordelia: I thought you slept outside to avoid your family's drunken Christmas fights.
Xander: Yes. And that was a confidence I was hoping you would share with everyone.
Xander: That's the Christmas spirit.
Willow: Hello, still Jewish. Chanukah spirit, I believe that was?
Xander: How about I ring that bell for you? (to Buffy) Does the threatening come now?
Buffy: Maybe you shouldn't help.
Xander: Really?
Joyce: Oh, come on. It's lovely. Maybe I should turn the air conditioning on.
Buffy: Alright, I get it. You're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?
Buffy: Lemme guess. Is it... evil?
Gingerbread
Giles: Yes, I'm afraid so.
Buffy: Okay. Then while you're looking for the meaning of that symbol thingy, could you also find a loophole in that 'Slayers don't kill people' rule?
Buffy: More bad. She picked last night, of all nights, for a surprise bonding visit.
Willow: God, your mom would actually take the time to do that with you? That really wasn't the point of the story, was it?
Buffy: No. It's just... This hall is about school, and you're about home. Mix them, my world dissolves.
Buffy: I doubt they'll have any more trouble.
Cordelia: I doubt your doubt. Everyone knows that witches killed those kids, and Amy is a witch. And Michael is whatever the boy of witch is, plus being the poster child for yuck.
Xander: How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here, that I somehow mysteriously know where she is.
Buffy: Those her books?
Xander: Yeah. She's in the bathroom.
Police Officer: Miss, you have to stay back. Miss, stay back.
Cordelia: That hair spray costs $45, and it's imported!
Buffy: Giles, we need those books.
Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.
Buffy: Answer to MOO? Did that sentence just make some sense that I'm not in on?
Snyder: 'Mothers Opposed to the Occult.' A powerful new group.
Buffy: And who came up with that lame name?
Snyder: That would be the founder. I believe you call her 'Mom'.
Sheila: Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness.
Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out. I'm a witch! I-I can make pencils float. And I can summon the four elements. Okay, two, but four soon. A-and I'm dating a musician.
Sheila: Oh, Willow!
Angel: Dike. (Buffy gives him a confused look.) It's another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
Xander: At that point, I will become frightened.
Giles: Yeah, well, somebody else do it. This thing's locked me out.
Xander: Well, if you wouldn't yell at it.
Oz: Fairy tales are real?
Buffy: Hans and Gre... (realizes) Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans... No one else is seeing the funny here.
Giles: Pity. Oh... Why are you here?
Cordelia: Things are way out of control, Giles. First the thing at school, and then my mom confiscates all of my black clothes and scented candles. I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again.
Giles: Wake up in a... Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened *before* I hit you.
Buffy: What are you gonna do, float a pencil at 'em?
Willow: It's a really big power!
Buffy: Yes! You will all be turned into vermin. And some of you will be fish! Yeah, you in the back will be fish!
Giles: Shh!
Helpless
Buffy: I dunno. I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash. People die.
Willow: But eighteen is a *big* one, Buffy. I mean, you can vote now. You can be drafted. You can vote not to be drafted.
Willow: Good! She loves her new exercise wheel. She runs around, her nose wiggles...
Buffy: I-I meant, how's it going changing her back into a human being?
Willow: Oh. Still working on it. But I just got her the cutest little bell...
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...
Buffy: Guys? Reality?
Buffy: Of course I do. It's sweet and thoughtful and... full of neat words to learn and say like 'wilt' and 'henceforth'.
Angel: Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?
Buffy: I'm sorry. Uh, it's just suddenly there's this chance that my calling's a wrong number, and... it's just freaking me out a little.
Giles: You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe.
Buffy: I don't know you.
Cordelia: Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Giiillles. He hangs out here a lot.
Xander: You're not cruising past that concept any time soon, are you?
Willow: Well, it's just... I mean, he's been *fired*! He's, he's unemployed! He's... between jobs.
Buffy: Giles isn't going anywhere, Will. He's still librarian.
Willow: Okay, but I'm writing an angry letter.
Xander: Give you a hand with that, little lady?
Buffy: You're loving this far too much.
Xander: Admit it. Sometimes you just need a big strong man. (He struggles with the jar and can't open it) Uh, Will, gimme a hand with that?
The Zeppo
Faith: Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all.
Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
Willow: I brought marshmallows... (everyone gives her a look) Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.
Xander: What? Starting something? Like that Michael Jackson song, right? That was a lot of fun. 'Too high to get over, yeah, yeah...' Remember that fun song?
Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a *lot* to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do!
Cordelia: 'Integral part' of the group? Xander, you're the, the *useless* part of the group. You're the Zeppo.
Oz: Not sure.
Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Oz: Am I?
Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
Oz: Could be.
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Willow: Your thing?
Xander: My *thing*!
Buffy: Is this a penis metaphor?
Xander: It's my thing that makes me cool. You know, that makes me unique. I'm Car Guy. Guy with the car.
Cordelia: Ooo, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
Xander: Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds.
Cordelia: Ooo, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.
Buffy: Did you want a jelly?
Giles: I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says 'let's have a jelly in the mix.'
Willow: We're sorry. Buffy had three.
Jack: I was parked.
Xander: Exactly.
Jack: She's called 'Katie'.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.
Xander: Nothing. Certainly not crime. Wh-what about you?
Xander: Those two concepts are antithetical.
Faith: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?
Bad Girls
Buffy: Diverted? That was me fighting for my life, Miss Attention Span.
Faith: This isn't a Tupperware Party. It's a little hard to plan.
Buffy: The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street.
Oz: They're typing those now.
Xander: Hmm.
Wesley: Evil?
Buffy: The last one was evil.
Wesley: Oh, yes. Gwendolyn Post. We all heard. No. Mr. Giles has checked my credentials rather thoroughly.
Giles: Not in the strictest sense.
Wesley: Well, I'm glad that's cleared up.
Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
Buffy: I really, really believe that.
Buffy: A little bit late.
Buffy: I will?
Wesley: Are you not used to being given orders?
Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says 'please'. And afterwards I get a cookie!
Buffy: I had to lather, rinse, and repeat about five million times to get the sewer out of my hair, but otherwise, I'm of the good.
Buffy: That's one word three times.
Buffy: How come your eye twitches every time I say Faith's name?
Xander: What? No, it doesn't.
Buffy: (looks right at him) Faith.
Xander: (His eye twitches, and he slaps his hand over it) Cut it out! We got a test to take, okay? And I'm highly caffeinated, and I'm trying to concentrate.
Buffy: Ah. Speak of the really annoying person.
Giles: It doesn't seem too promising, does it?
Wesley: Stay calm, Mr. Giles. We have to stay calm.
Giles: (sarcasticly) Well, thank God you're here. I was planning to panic.
Wesley: Are you out of your mind? This is hardly the time for games!
Consequences
Cordelia: Oh.
Wesley: Does everybody know about you?
Buffy: She's a friend.
Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate.
Willow: Good. 'Cause I've been letting things fester. And I don't like it. I wanna be fester-free.
Xander: No! I mean, it was nice. It was great. It was kind of a blur.
Angel: I'm sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you... Actually, it *is* that I don't trust you.
Angel: No, I just wanna talk to you.
Faith: That's what they all say. And then it's just, 'Lemme stay the night. Won't try anything.'
Angel: You wanna go the long way around, hey, I can do that. I'm not getting any older.
Angel: It's like talking to a wall. Only you get more from a wall.
Faith: Yeah? I hope evil takes MasterCard.
Wesley: 'Let' wouldn't be the way I'd phrase it, but... Yes, she escaped.
Angel: That's good work. First, you terrorize her, then you put her back in the streets.
Mayor Wilkins: That's right, I did.
Faith: He's dust.
Mayor Wilkins: I thought he might be. What with you standing here and all.
Dopplegangland
Willow: Ooo, I used to want... Wait. Florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.
Snyder: I want you to tutor him. Percy is flunking history. Nothing seems to be able to motivate him.
Percy: Hey, I'm *challenged*.
Snyder: You're lazy, self-involved and spoiled. That's quite the challenge.
Willow: You think I'm boring.
Oz: I'd call that a radical interpretation of the text.
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm 'Old Reliable'.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that, that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
Willow: Oh, fun.
Anya: Yeah. Um, listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if...
Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable-Dog-Geyser Person.
Xander: Hey, Buff.
Buffy: Aren't you gonna introduce me to your... Holy *God*, you're Willow.
Xander: Way better than me.
Giles: Much, much better.
Buffy: You are. I-I mean, you, you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
Bartender: I.D... I.D.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a friggin' beer!
Bartender: I.D.
Anya: (sighs) Gimme a Coke.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play 'Mistress of Pain' every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually... (gets a look from Buffy) That's a good point.
Cordelia: 'Hey me'? 'Hey me' what? I have a name, you know.
Evil Willow: Uh, Cordelia.
Cordelia: What did you do? Lock yourself in the book cage?
Enemies
Giles: I'm not sure.
Wesley: No, not really a common term in demonology.
Willow: Ooh ooh! The Marenschadt Text. I think in the section on genocide, they mention Ascenscion.
Buffy: Well, we have a winner.
Xander: And, more importantly, two losers.
Buffy: You beat up Willy?
Xander: Sure! Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure. Or more accurately, that I asked politely, and then, uh, okay, I bribed him.
Buffy: How much?
Xander: Twenty-eight bucks. Does the Council reimburse for that kind of stuff?
Giles: Did you get a receipt?
Xander: Damn.
Xander: Way to focus CC.
Wesley: Yes, let's, uh, let's try to stay on track. We need everyone working together here.
Giles: There is just the one group.
Cordelia: Yes! And I am in it.
Angel: She's right. I probably will.
Xander: Yes, I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise.
Earshot
Hogan: Hey Xander.
Xander: He said my name! He knows my name!
Giles: It says it can infect the host.
Buffy: Infect? Infect?... GILES!
Giles: Hmmm.
Buffy: INFECT!?!
Giles: Oh. Umm, "Infects the host with an aspect of the demon." That's all it says.
Buffy: Nothing... Checking for horns!
Willow: Was it a boy demon???
Oz: None of them are really my...
Xander: (sees Wesley looking at Cordelia) Oh my God! He's looking at her! He's got his filthy, adult, Pierce-Brosnany eyes all over my Cordy!
Oz: You're a very complex man, aren't you?
Buffy: You know the drill?
Angel: By rumor. That doesn't mean anything. I mean, sometimes demons just exaggerate their power.
Buffy: Demon hype. But maybe not. I spend all my time in the dark here anyway. It's not like I'd be at a game with my friends where someone could see me and my new monster part.
Buffy: I liked everything until that part.
Xander: Yeah, for a minute I thought you were gonna make an expression.
Oz: I felt one coming on, I won't lie.
Xander: **When did she study? Was I supposed to study? Ms. Murray's kinda hot!**
Buffy: Like, say, immortality?
Angel: Yeah, I'm dying to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: I'm a funny guy.
Buffy: Every one.
Xander: **Oh God.**
Cordelia: **I don't see what this has to do with me.** I don't see what this has to do with me.
Xander: **What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex! Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls! Naked women! Naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!**
Buffy: God Xander! Is that all you think about?!
Buffy: Why are you... You had sex with Giles!?!?! YOU HAD SEX WITH GILES?!
Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: I'll be downstairs, you feel better.
Buffy: TWICE?!
Buffy: Well, we talked, he cut out the heart of a demon and fed it to me, and then we talked some more.
Willow: See, that's how it should work!
Giles: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you umm...
Buffy: Oh, come on! What am I, St. Buffy?!
Choices
Angel: That was bracing. Want to do another sweep?
Buffy: It's what I live for. Sad to say.
Angel: A rut?
Buffy: You never take me any place new.
Angel: What about that fire demon nest in the cave by the beach? I felt that was a nice change of pace.
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses.
Willow: I know! I could learn and, and have scones.
Giles: No. You want to take the fight to them? I suggest the first step would be to find out exactly what they're up to.
Buffy: Oh. I actually knew that. I thought you meant a more specific plan, you know, like with maps and stuff. Great. We'll find out what they're up to.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
Xander: Well, then, they shouldn't leave it in the hands of the lay people.
Willow: Aw, here I just thought you didn't have a come-back.
Angel: Well, what can I say? I like them sane.
The Prom
Buffy: To go kill a cat on my head.
Angel: No mirrors.
Buffy: You know, this place really isn't girl-friendly. No mirrors, no natural light.
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Xander: Be still my heart. Oh wait, it is. How come I got the short straw?
Anya: You're not quite as obnoxious as most of the alpha males around here. Plus I know you don't have a date.
Willow: Not too short, medium. And it had this weird, sorta fringey stuff on its arms.
Giles: What's that, a demon?
Buffy: A prom dress that Will was thinking of getting. Can't you ever get your mind out of the hellmouth?
Cordelia: Don't go there! I shop there.
Xander: I myself am dipping into my road trip fund to procure a shiny new tux, so look for me to dazzle.
Giles: And I myself will be wearing pink taffeta as chenille would not go with my complection. Can we *please* talk about the Ascension?
Xander: It's a videotape.
Cordelia: So? They do it on television all the time.
Xander: Not with a regular VCR they don't.
Xander: Guys! It's just a normal VCR. It doesn't... Oh wait, uh, it can do pause.
Cordelia: Oh, are we all catching up now?
Giles: Tucker is planning to attack the prom tonight.
Oz: Once again, the Hellmouth puts the special in special occasion.
Xander: Yay?
Buffy: Hello to you too.
Angel: Sorry. I'm just surprised.
Buffy: Me too. I don't know why though. Where did I think you get your blood, McPlasma's?
Buffy: Coolest. Devil dogs are history. How's the prom?
Oz: Strangely affecting. I got all teared up when they played 'We Are Family'.
Giles: For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about.
Wesley: Right, then. Thanks for that.
