Yuki-chan's Ramblings - 10/27/02

Sunday, October 27

 
I'm in another one of my crappy moods. Why? Because I don't know. I blame it on being female. But I really don't like being in a crappy mood because then it makes me think about stuff that really shouldn't be dwelled on. And then I bust out my crappy mood music with it's crappy lyrics, then I start believing the lyrics like they somehow pertain to me (even though they don't), and then it makes things even worse and it's just all downhill from there! And then I can't complain to Ryu-kun because it's all my fault because I've got messed up personal issues that I don't think anyone cares to hear about and I'm sounding like some horribly pessimistic, depressed person. And I don't want to come off as one of those. That's why I try to avoid it with other people, but sometimes I end up complaining anyway and then those people complain because they don't want to hear me complain, which I understand. So at least I'm not some completely selfish person who thinks everything is "me me me." Of course I still do that occassionally, like when Ryu-kun wants to go to bed but I make him stay up. Then he's all super-tired and his parents get mad at him because I wanted him to stay up later. I should really learn some selflessness.

And like tonight, in my crappy mood, I didn't want to complain because Ryu-kun was all busy and he had company over and I didn't want to make it seem like some sort of lame excuse for attention, like most people perceive it to be. And now who knows how long I'll be up, listening to Trace Adkins. Lyrics are posted in my AIM profile! Lovely song, it is. But I'm afraid I convinced myself of the lyrics too much, and then I did some of my thinking. I come up with these insane questions that are best left unthought of, but I think them up anyway. Tonight's question was, what if Ryu-kun just decided he didn't love me any more? That'd be very sad. Because in all truth talking to him is the one thing I actually have to look forward to, even over the fact that I get two days off of school at the end of the week. But if he didn't love me anymore then I wouldn't have anything to look forward to! I mean literally. Then when he said he was leaving to go to bed tonight I got unusually more sad than normal. Cripes, judging by the fact that I had the waterworks going you'd think he was leaving forever. Of course the music didn't help any, but meh. And while he may like this, but I don't even have a "back-up" person to like in case he just...stopped. Not even in the remotest corners of my mind. Watch, he reads this and thinks "Damn, now I'm stuck with this woman forever," lol. And I mean I know things are all fine and dandy now, but I wondered if he would actually still love me in like...a year or so, or if this'll just blow over like all the other girls he's liked. If we can't even keep a conversation going now. Scary thought. Or I'm just waiting for the day Ryu-kun says he's found some other chick from school who's all super nice and better than me (which isn't that hard, honestly). All I can say is that he won't have to worry about that vice versa. It's crazy how much of a difference one person can make to another person. That's what I get for listening to this song over and over and being in one of my "moods."

And as, I dunno, pathetic as this might be, I'll stay up all hours of the night to wait to go to bed after he does, because it'd seem a shame to leave any earlier. And if I'm tired, I just take naps at my desk in between posts, heh. Yeah, I know, that's crazy. But it made me sad because I stayed up all night tonight and me and Ryu-kun hardly talked, mainly because there was nothing to discuss. And then I got in my crappy mood because I only get to talk to Ryu-kun three times a week and I just completely wasted my "free day," and I'm probably going to screw over my homework tomorrow to talk to him. And even though he was right there I was feeling all withdrawn and lonely, which was probably selfish because Ashley was over and I can't just expect him to ignore her while she's actually there and I'm sorta...not. Our conversations seem to kinda be going downhill...running out of things to talk about, which I know is impossible, but I'd rather not get into some argument over some stupid topic then end up mad for the entire week. I don't know, I just need to sort things out. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out to be one of those relationships where you marry the person you loved through high school and you stay together forever! That'd be nice. Of course, I feel bad for the guy who's going to marry me, lol. But by then I'll have learned lots of selflessness and he won't have to worry about dealing with all this sort of stuff! That's a plus. So, sorry for putting you in a bad mood if I did, but this was the only way I could talk this out without worrying that someone thinks I'm stupid, or that I'm some sort of pessimistic baby that just complains for attention. At least this way you could've stopped reading whenever you wanted and don't have to worry about ignoring me in a conversation! But yeah, that helped me feel a bit better. And since it's 3:30 AM I should probably get some sleep...

~Yuki-chan
Yuki 10/27/2002 03:30:21 AM