A Tunnels and Trolls® play-by-post adventure run by shindorim7
"A different place in a different time where a Hobbit is only a fig newton in someone's imagination and Oblique Streams is but a shindorim dream...." -- hobbit_king
The barkeep is hanging decorations in the main room, giving the Tavern a festive look. He takes a string of candles a hangs them around the room. With a spark from his fingers, he casts Michael Landon's Sure-Fire Fire Starter and the candles glow softly in many colours.
The barkeep steps back and admires his handiwork. Suddenly, one candle snuffs out and the entire string goes dark.
"Blast! One goes out and they all go out!"
Cursing to himself, the barkeep rumages in the box. But something is amiss. "Hmm... where's the Hobbit toe? It's just not winter solstice without Hobbit toe."
At that moment, Shipy, the Hobbit King, bursts into the room, marches past the barkeep, saunters behind the bar, wraps his lips around the beer tap and pulls the handle, slurping noisily.
The barkeep shrugs and leans over the bar, looking at the Hobbit.
"Happy Greenling Day, Shipy. Tell you what. I'll give you that beer, but you have to give me something...."
"Eroo?" I say, unwrapping my Hobbit lips, my eyes searching for an escape route. "You're not hanging me upside down above the doorway again Jack! I refuse! Greenling Day or not! Besides, last time no one kissed beneath me except Mr. Beezer and Mr. BigjackBrass, and they haven't been back since."
"Come on Jack, I'm your bestest buddy and I never disagree with you...." With escape impossible, I whimper as only a Hobbit can.
What did you expect, it's Holiday time at the Blue Frog Tavern!
The barkeep sighs. "Yes. I remember last time. I probably should have let you down for a break every once in a while. It took three weeks to get the smell out."
The barkeep continues to decorate, hanging a faery wing garland around the bar. It would be beautiful, were it not so tattered.
"I think it is in our best interest to remove the toes from the Hobbit in question."
Shipy sputters and begins to make his high-pitched protestation.
"Don't worry. I don't feel like chasing you around. Besides, you're in here too often to have to listen to you whine about a few missing toes all the time."
"So, do any of your relations owe you money?" inquires the barkeep with an evil grin.
I shake my head "no" as only a Hobbit can, thinking this should be a joyous post of naked table dancing and merriment, and not one of painful toe extraction.
Withdrawing by Hobbit Union bylaws, I hand them to the barkeep who still has that stupid I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom grin on his face. "Read Act #3364-4358, revision five of Luvian charter 480. It's the act preventing holiday Hobbit desecration for festive public enjoyment. Seeing as I am the only Token Hobbit you are forthwith forbidden to harm me. Had there been two of us demi-humans, it would have been within your right to desecrate one of us, but seeing as I am the only one, it is not permissible. Failing to abide by Hobbit Union bylaws, as you know, could be most disastrous my most esteemed mug wiper!"
I smile widely, my point well made.
The barkeep reads the notice from the Hobbit and scowls.
It seems to be on the up-and-ap, although it wouldn't have gone through had the last election had gone correctly.
Gore ("That's Ogre spelled backwards! Wanna fight about it?") lost by three whole votes and demanded a recount. George Wimp Jr. held the majority vote, and his brother was on the recounting committee. It was held up in parliamentary law proceeding for nine years, amid rumors and proven facts of wrongdoing.
It seems an entire bag of ballots was left at the beach and they were all badly sunburned. It took 13 months to get it passed that sunburned ballots could not be counted.
When the dust settled, there was so much political backstabbing and dirty double dealing that the populace demanded that both candidates be thrown out and the third party candidate, who was actually a distant third in the vote, be instated.
Gore and Wimp were both mighty cross about this turn of events, but most thought this was a good idea and had them both crucified.
As for George Wimp's brother, Chad, they wound up hanging him.
In any case, the barkeep doesn't follow politics whatsoever. Besides, a stiff fine is a small price to pay for a decent holiday festivity.
The barkeep crumples the paper and tosses it over his shoulder, "Bah!" he intones hefting his clever.
Suddenly the roof crashes in and a large instect lands amid a clud of dust and timbers. Its twisted black carapace shines in spite of the dust in the air. The creature beats its wings, emitting a droning sound.
"Hum bug!" shouts the barkeep and he prepares for battle.
I yawn Jack's 'Supreme' rendition, but my eyes widen when he crumples the paper and hefts his clever with an overly meaty fist.
Seeing an opening for my 10-toed freedom, I scream like a school girl when the Hum Bug arrives, fleeing in random directions like two unguided Orcish brothers, as only a true Hobbit can.
Bam! opens the door. Jack walks in shivering, drunk, and wearing a Santa suit (whatever that is) with a big wriggling bag over his shoulder.
"hick! Hey short stuff! Gottcha a present! Wanna see?"
Fleeing the Hum Bug, I run into the bony and overly wordy Jack de Crampon. Since he is blocking the exit, I have little choice but to nod "yes."
"Ok, I bite Jack... what gives?" Looking nervously over my shoulder at Jack-the-bartender and the bug.
With an unceremonious POOMP on the floor, Jack overturns his Santa sack and produces a quivering reindeer dressed up in black panties and a bra.
"Merry Xmas Ship-o! Gotcha a date! Best get a few drinks in 'im first, though. A real lady he is."
I look at the over-dressed quivering reindeer with surprise. Blinking, I look up at Jack. "Ah Jack, you really shouldn't have. No, I mean you really shouldn't have!"
Pausing for a moment, I burst into laughter. "Ha, ha, ha.... And to think I said Jack de Crampon was a humorless bone head! I certainly take most of it back. Go ahead, put Rudolph back with your herd, Jack." <wink, wink, nudge, nudge> "Your secret lifestyle is safe with me, Jack. Har, har, har! This is way better than that lump of coal Jax and Taran gave me."
While Jack de Crampon and Shipy are yukking it up, Jack the Barkeep is battling the hum bug. He tries to cleave the thing with his axe, but it just flies above his reach, humbugging louder and chasing more guests away. Switching tactics, Jack piles up all the hate he can muster and spits a nasty spell at the huge bug. "Take That, You dung-diving Fiend!" he shouts, as a burst of psychic hate pours into the bug. And it just gets bigger and louder. The now huge bug settles onto the floor (too big to fly), and Jack faces off with it, wondering if he would be better off just signing the deed off to it and then going fishing, when a new sound comes through the door.
<Thump thumpthump, thump thumpthump> it goes, sounding like a three-legged pirate. At the sound, Jack cries, "No! Can't you read the sign? We don't serve.... Oh. Never mind." And then, through the door comes a jolly three-legged pirate, in a bright red suit with red three-pointed cap, a shiny black beard, and a sack over his shoulder.
"Yo ho ho. Yo ho ho!" he says, "I've come to spread some Greenling Day jeer!" Now, what for the dour faces?" At the sound of laughter, the hum bug turns a deep crimson and buzzes angrily, turning to threaten the pirate. "Well, we can't allow this thing to spoil the fun." The pirate reaches into his sack and pulls out a brown brick with colored spots on it, chanting, "William Blake, Veronica Lake, Open wide and let ye eat cake." Then he throws the brick of fruitcake at the bug, which opens wide and swallows it whole, and no sooner than it does so, it collapses, born down by the weight. Jack takes the opportunity and cleaves it with his axe. The cloven monster starts glowing red, then orange, then blue, then white, and then just before it explodes, the pirate chants once more, "When anger grows, go play in the snow." Then, it bursts, showering the Blue Frog with snow, rather than ichor.
As the snow continues to fall indoors, the holiday pirate clops over to Jack the Barkeep. "Now, let's see what's in my little sack for ye," he says, and then pulls out three Hobbit hoes. "That otter do the trick," he says, and with a rustling of paper, he jumps up through the hole in the roof and disappears, leaving behind a piece of paper.
Jack picks it up and reads it. It's a check for the roof repair, from Bela's account, signed by Bela. Jack considers what the elf would do if he cashed it.
After the pirate leaves, the barkeep examines the smoking remains of the hum bug. "Good thing I smoked him before he used his special attack. It's a real hum-dinger."
The barkeep reaches behind the bar and pulls out an oversized battle axe. The blade has green smoke rising from it.
"The is Molly's Especially Nasty Hatchet. I got this when I slew the Ogre bandit king over a card game dispute---full house my eye! I'm going to go on a Greenling Day Tree hunt. Hunting trees is fun, and easy since even the Orc brothers can sneak up on them."
The barkeep heads off for the nearby forest, with those accompanying him in tow.
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This page updated: Mon Jan 09 14:22:31 2006
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