A Tunnels and Trolls® play-by-post adventure run by khara_khang
"What the @#!*$ do you think you're doin' in my bar?" Gibbous Wretchly pounded the table, sending pints flying to the floor and nervous patrons toward the door making excuses like, "Oh, isn't it getting late..." and "Where's the shitter?"
"De Cramps, if there's one thing that I can't stand, if there's one thing that makes my Troglodyte blood boil, it's Boy Bands and you."
Growl.
Jack shifted in his chair a little uneasily. "Wouldn't that make two things, G.W.?"
There was an audible creeking of rusty cogs as Wretchly went through feats of mental arithmetic not normally attempted by persons of his subterranean persuasion. His brow furrowed and he reached for the rusty scimitar dangling lewdly from his loincloth. "F*ck you."
For most of the evening, Jack had been high on life, signing etchings of him and his most recent pop incarnation, "The Skele-tones" which was indeed a Boy Band. There were five of them altogether, sexy, sleek and skinless, a huge hit with the under sixteen "tunnel bopper" set. Crap, their first sheet music transcription had sold almost 100 copies! Freakin' gold baby, all the way to the top! Unfortunately, the boys had prior engagements in a brothel on the east side (What exactly four skeletons were going to do in a brothel is a little unclear. Make up your own naughty innuendo on the theme of "bone" if you absolutely need to know), and he was left alone to the adoring fans at the Blue Frog, of which, as Gibbous Wretchly was making all too apparent, not everyone was a part. Yikes.
WoooWoooWheee.... Spacey metagaming noises. The voice of the GM thunders silently in Jack's skull: "Jack de Crampon... CH -24 vs. irate Troglodyte Warrior, surly always, agitated by shameless preening and posturing in his favorite mug-up. I declare... a L4SR against CH to avoid being reamed! Thus speaks the GM."
WoooWoooWheee...somewhere dice are clicking in the stratosphere. Boom. Boom. The dice fall to the great table of fate like lead slabs. Four. One. That makes five of a required eleven. Double yikes.
WoooWoooWheee...
Crossing his arms in front of him and grinning, Jack figured he could smooth this all over without a hitch. Heck, asshole is just another word for "fan waiting to be wow-ed" isn't it?
"Look G.W., I know that it's not easy for everyone to express how they feel. You're a shy guy, and well, Trog society can be a little macho can't it..."
Jack stood up and made his way around the table, splashing through the little lakes of spilled beer. He sidled up to Wretchly, one hand on his towering shoulder, one hand on his ass.
"You gotta know, man, the Skele-tones are 'all for one and one for all forever and for everybody,' just like we say in our tunes. Sure, we love the attention of the little ladies, but hey, welcome to the high middle ages. I just want you to hear it from the horses mouth, G.W., that I think it's OK that you're queer. Wave that freak flag high!"
Wretchly looked at Jack. Jack smiled at Wretchly. Wretchly grabbed Jack by the neck and lifted him two feet off the floor. Jack stopped smiling at Wretchly.
"Uh... hehehe... uh... We are family? I got all my sistas with me?"
Wretchly hoisted Jack over his head, shaking him like a lone maraca (have you ever seen a pair of maracas split up? Broken homes are so sad....), gave him an airplane spin and was about to dash him to bits on the edge of the bar when, somewhere in Wretchly's head, the creeking cogs started again. Four. One. Four. One. Four. One. Our. Fone. Neour. Eourn. Elouren. Elouvrian. Ellavalala? Elevelle? Eleven? Eleven???
Eleven.
He put Jack down and held his head, reeling from the torture of his own brain in action. "De Cramps... are we really family? Sistas an' all?"
Jack pinched himself. Crap! Alive! Alive! "Uh... sure are, big guy."
"Um... De Cramps... um... do you, uh, you know, uh... find me... attractive?"
"Uh... I suppose so."
"Damn. I got some thinkin' to do." Wretchly turned and walked slowly to the door.
"Hey GW."
"What?"
"All for one and one for all, forever and for everybody," Jack crooned.
"Thanks... Jack." Wretchly winked as sedutively as a troglodyte can.
L4SR, on CH: Needed 11, got 5. Succeeds by GM fiat. 44 AP awarded.
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