*the curtain is down, and Minifire walks back on stage to address the audience*
Minifire: Well, it took the entire break, but thanks to our local pranksters *the heads of WilyKit, SlyKat, and SlyKit pop out from the orchestra booth and wave ecstatically, while WilyKat pokes his head out from behind the curtain and waves* managed to, more or less, fix her.
Bombalurina: More or less?
Mini: Uh, yeah...She still ribbits every once and a while.
WilyKit: *whispers* We could've fixed that, too, but she just keeps complaining about everything we thought it might keep her quiet.
Typist: I...*ribbit*...heard that.
Mini: *sighs* And now, we return to 'The Kitty'.
*The curtain rises and we see the curator's office, WilyKat sitting at the desk, which has on top the map that was supposed to be in the box originally, Jonathan leaning over his shoulder looking at the map, and Evelyn explaining her findings in the map*
Chloe: You see the cartouche there? It's the official seal of pharaoh Seti the First, I'm sure of it!
Kat: *examining the map* Perhaps...
Wing: Two questions, who's Seti the First and was he rich?
Chloe: He was the second Pharaoh of 19th dynasty, said to be the wealthiest Pharaoh of them all.
Wing: Good, good. I like that... *mutters* Why do I have to play the self-centered good guy?
Typist: Because I said so.
Wing: Yeah, but you aren't my Typist!
Typist: True, but right now, your dignity lies in my hands so you better *ribbit* do what I say.
Wing: *sighs* I'm under the control of a Typist with a frog in her throat. I'm not sure this can get much worse.
Tommi: Never say never.
Chloe: I've already dated the map and it's over 3,000 years old and if you look at the Heretic just here you'll see...well...
*audience on the edge of their seats*
Chloe: ...It's Hamunaptra.
*Pouncival leans over a seat to pay Munkustrap 3 cat treats*
Kat: Good grief, we're scholars, not treasure hunters! Hamunaptra's a myth told by Arabic storytellers to amuse Greek and Roman tourists.
Chloe: Oh, I know the story that the city's protected by the curse of a mummy nonsense...
Andy: *looking over Nova's costume* Pretty realistic nonsense...
Chloe: But my own research has lead me to believe that the city itself may have actually existed.
Wing: Are we talking about THE Hamunaptra?
Chloe: Yes. The City of the Dead, where the earliest Pharaoh's were said to have hidden the wealth of Egypt.
Wing: Yes...yes, in a big under ground treasure chamber...
FireBolt: Oh...So THAT'S what that other set's supposed to be...
Typist: Of course, what did you *ribbit* think it was?
FB: Honestly? A really expensive cat box...
Typist: A..really...expensive...*eyes widen* NOO!!! *runs to where ever that set is*
Kat: Ha.
Wing: Oh, everyone knows the story about how it was built so that the whole thing would be buried under the sands at Pharaoh's command...a flick of the switch and the whole thing would disappear beneath the sand dunes, taking the treasure with it.
Kat: Well, as the Americans would say it's just a bunch of fairy tales and...Oh, my goodness!
*the whole time he was talking, Kat had picked up the map and was examining it but as he did so, the candle caught it on fire. He throws it to the floor and Wing and Chloe run around to put it out, only to find the part with Hamunaptra has been burned off*
Wing: You burnt it! You burnt off the part with the lost city!
Kat: It's for the best, I'm sure.
Grizzly: You know, I think I speak for everyone when I say we're liking Kat's character less and less...
*all nod and murmur in agreement*
Kat: *looks at the Typist* I'm the only one that read the script, aren't I?
Typist: No...I bet Andy and Jag did too. Maybe. Possibly.
*Typist looks over and sees Poge trying to use some new gadget he's come up with, but can't because it's missing a piece,
so walks over to his copy of the script, takes the paper of the cheap plastic binder, then put the binder somewhere inside the
gadget; he tries it again, and it works*
Typist: Well...at least it's not collecting dust somewhere.
Kat: *shakes his head and continues* Many cats have wasted their lives looking for Hamunaptra. Most have never returned.
*the scene changes again and we see the inside of a prison, where Evelyn and Jonathan (aren't they speedy?) are greeted by the warden (played by Sandman)*
*Sweap and Sandman glare at each other*
Nova: Can't you just feel the love between those two...
Sandman: *turns to his role* Come, come! Step over the thresh hold and welcome to Cairo Prison, my humble home.
Chloe: *to Wing* You told me you got that box in a dig in Thebes!
Wing: Well, I was mistaken...
Chloe: You lied to me!
Wing: I lie to everyone, what makes you so special?
Chloe: I am your sister!
Wing: That just makes you that much more gullible.
Sweap: Here, here! Ow! *rubs his head after Tommi wacks it for him*
Chloe: Jonathan, you stole it from a drunk at the local bar!
Wing: Picked his pocket, actually, so I don't think it's a very good idea...
Chloe: Jonathan, quit acting so ridiculous, now, what exactly is this man in prison for?
Sandman: I do not know, but when I asked he just said he was looking for a good time.
*the guards then bring out a rather grizzled tom...*
Grizzly: You called?
Typist: Grizzled not *ribbit* Grizzly.
*...and press him up against the bars and hold him there...His name? Rick O'Connell, who should've died in the desert 3 years ago. Evelyn stares*
Chloe: THIS is the drunk you got it from?
Wing: Yes, so I think we better just...
Anaconda: So, who are you? *looks at Chloe* And whose the broad?
Chloe: Broad!?!
Wing: Oh, uh, no one just some good sarmaritians and what not we were just on our way...
Chloe: We came to ask you about you're puzzle box.
Cheeta: Well, she sure doesn't beat around the bush much, does she?
*Conda watches for a minute, then shakes his head*
Conda: No..You want to known about Hamunaptra.
Chloe: *blinks* How did you know the box pretains to Hamunaptra?
Conda: Because that's where I was when I found it.
Chloe: You mean you were actually AT Hamunaptra?
Lioness: No, he just said that to get your hopes up.
Typist: You know, if you were any other character I'd wack you...But I make it a rule not to hit cats that are bigger than I am,
lions included.
Lioness: Sounds like good advance.
Conda: Yeah, I was there.
Wing: *gets down by the bars* And how do we know that's not all just a bunch of pig swallow, eh?
Conda: *looks at him hard* Don't I know you?
Wing: Who, uh, me? Er, no, no, I just have one of those faces...
*Conda suddenly seems to remember him and punches him right in the face, knocking Wing down*
Wing: Holy cripes, Conda, I thought we were just acting! *holds his now pounding head* What do you do to work out, wrestle oxen?
*Chloe looks at Wing sympathetically, but ends up just stepping over him and looking O'Connell straight in the eye*
Chloe: You've been to Hamunaptra?
Anaconda: Yep.
Chloe: You swear?
Conda Every da--*gets a dirty look from the Typist*--ng day.
Chloe: That's not what I meant..
Conda: I know what you meant, and yeah, I was there.
Chloe: *looks around and whispers* Can you...tell me how to get there? *whispers even quieter* As in, the exact location?
Conda: You want to know the location to Hamunaptra?
*Evelyn nods, and O'Connell singles her to come closer, until he reaches through the bars and kisses her*
Conda: Then get me the *recieves another dirty look* heck out of here!!
*the guards suddenly hit him for that and start to drag him away, so he implies Chloe to do it as he is. Just then, the warden returns*
Chloe: Where are they taking him?
Sandman: To be hanged. *looks to Chloe* Apparently, he had a VERY good time.
Andy: Dang, what'd he do and why didn't he invite others?
Tommi: No kidding! Hasn't he ever heard of sharing?
Jag: Leave it to you two to be jealous of a cat that's about to be hanged...
Dais: Hey, Tommi? The Typist is making me do the disgusting work of fixing the Hamunaptra Treasure Chamber set, would
you mind doing this one for me?
Tommi: Sure, why not?
*Tommi changes the scene, and now we see a um...thingamajigger. Can't think of the name...But it's the thing you hang people with.*
Nova: Our Typist, The Genius.
Typist: Our *ribbit* Ihmotep, the Smart Ass.
*Anyway, Conda has the rope around his neck and is awaiting to be hanged*
Ectar: *playing the hangman* Any last requests?
Anaconda: Yeah...loosen the rope and let me go.
Ectar: *blinks, looks to the Warden and repeats the request*
Sandman: No don't let him go!
Ectar: *nods, turns around and hits Conda's head*
*Okay, I'm kinda impatient to get to the part with Hamunaptra, so Evelyn and the Warden manage to make a deal: they'll split 25 percent of their findings in Hamunaptra if the warden will let Rick go. They agree, and Conda's cut loose*
Typist: Need another scene change, Dais.
Dais: Then you clean up this mess...I'd be much happier changing scenes.
Typist: Uh, no, thanks. Tommi, would you...
*Typist looks over and sees Tommi chasing her tail, catching it, bad-mouthing it, then knawing on it until it flicks away and start
the whole thing over again*
Typist: Er, never mind. Say, Andy, would you mind?
Andy: Sure, man.
*the set were supposed to see now is one of the river at Cairo, with the Gaza Pyramids across from it, and people filing on to a boat...What we end up seeing looks like something out of the '60s, with Tye Dye pyramids, purple water, and the boat tended to complain about the luggage and where the passengers steped*
Typist: Uh...Andy?
Andy: Yeah, man?
Typist: What are you on?
Andy: Um...I dunno. Forgot what I took.
Typist: *groans* Can ANYONE fix the set for me?
Jag: *holding back a laugh* Yep.
*So, finally, we get the REAL set fixed up where we see Evelyn and Jonathan discussing about their newly released guide.*
Wing: You don't like him, do you?
Chloe: Absolutly not! He's fithly, rude, and a low down dirty scoundrel!
Conda: *right behind her* I hope that's no one I know.
*Evelyn turns around to see that not only is he not so filthy, and not so rude, and not so much a scoundrel, she can't help but be embarrasst, 'cause he's actually kinda cute*
Chloe: KINDA cute?! Try heartthrobbingly handsome! *purrs*
WilyKit: Oh, please, Brenden Fraiser is much better, at least he would be if he was a cat.
Tommi: You wanna talk about men making good toms, the Scorpion King from the second one is on my list! Me-ow!
Andy: Yeah, The Rock's a good choice, but Jeff Hardy's better.
Tommi: Yeah, your right, I like Chris Jericho more for wrestlers.
Andy: Jeff would be a better cat, though.
Tommi: No, Jericho would.
Andy: No, Jeff.
Tommi: No, Jericho.
Andy: Jeff!
Tommi: Jericho!
Andy: Jeff!
Tommi: Jericho!
Typist: Mick Foley!
*all the cats just give the Typist a blank look*
Typist: Well, I got your attention, didn't I? Now, back to the show.
Wing: Ah, smashing day for an adventure, eh, O'Connell?
Conda: Yeah...*checks for his wallet* Smashing.
Wing: Oh, I'd never steel from a partner, partner!
Jag: You know, I bet Mick would make a good cat.
Andy: Yeah, just not an attractive one.
Typist: Will you guys just drop it already?
Tommi: Your welcome.
*To make this thing go a bit faster before they figure out some other way to slip wrestling into this thing, everybody loads onto the boat, including the Warden, who claims to have come to 'protect his investments'. Later on that night, while the boat is being followed by a row boat full of Madji, one of which holds his hooked paw...*
Ryo: Why do I have to be the one with the hook?
Typist: Because that's the guy that gets burnt up and your the only 'Madji' who can mess with fire without getting hurt.
Ryo: well...Can we take the hook off?
Typist: No.
Ryo: Darn.
*One of which holds his hooked paw out in front of him like a beaken...Or a flashlight or a really gross dead snake or something like that. On board the ship, Conda watch Wing engage in a game of poker with three Americans--Daniels (FireBolt), Henderson (Tito), & Burns (Ryan), along with an Egyptologist (Grizzly)*
Wing: Sit down, O'Connell, we could use another player.
Conda: No thanks, I only gamble with my life, not my money.
Poge: But cats don't use money...
Typist: You don't like it? You write the script!
FireBolt: Never? And what if we were to wager $500 dollars we get to Hamunaptra before you?
Grizzly: You know, I think I have to agree with Poge, cats don't actually have a use for money.
Typist: Tell it to Stephen *ribbit* Sommers.
Grizz: Stephen Ribbit Sommers? Got it. *writes down the name to protest*
Anaconda: *raises a brow* And who says we're going to Hamunaptra?
FB, Tito, & Ryan: *point to Wing* He does. *return to their game*
Conda: *glares a Wing, then looks back* Alright, your on.
Grizzly: *sits up* What makes you so confident, sir?
Conda: What makes you?
Tito: Well, we've got a man who's actually been there!
Wing: Well, it just so happens that..
*Jonathan is 'accidentally' elbowed in the side by O'Connell*
Wing: Uh, who's deal is it? Is it my deal? I thought I just dealt.. *mutters* Great, not only is he greedy, he's a coward. I think
I need to become a member of CATA after this show.
Nova: CATA?
Lioness: Yeah, Tommi founded it. 'Characters Against Typist Abuse'.
Nova: Oh..Hey, I could use a membership like that!
Typist: Can you guys please plot my downfall later?
Lioness: Sure, go ahead.
*Conda nods, picks up his bag and walks down the deck...where he's met with Chloe, reading a book. He drops his bag on the table and it startls her so much she jumps and yells out 'The sky is falling!' which wasn't in the script last time I checked*
Conda: *smirks a tad* Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.
Chloe: The only thing that scares me, Mister O'Connell, are your manners.
Andy: You go girl!
Conda: Still angry about that kiss, huh?
Chloe: Well, if you call THAT a kiss.
*Conda gives an irritated look, then opens the bag ad pulls out out various cats sized weapons, provided kindly by Blazord*
Blazord: Your welcome.
*Chloe gives the weapons an odd look*
Chloe: Excuse me, but did I miss something? Are we going to war?
Conda: *looks at her* Lady, there's something out there. Something under the sand...
Chloe: Well, I myself am looking for a certain artifact. A book, actually. My brother thinks there's treasure...What are you talking about?
Conda: In one word? Evil. People say that city is cursed...
Chloe: Oh, I don't believe in such fairy tales and hokum, Mr. O'Connell, but I do believe one of the greatest books in history is
buried out there. The Book of Am...Amun...Amun...*looks at the Typist* Can I just say the English version?
Typist: *sighs* Fine.
Chloe: Good.
Conda: And the fact that it's made out of pure gold make no difference to you?
Chloe: You know your history!
Conda: I know my treasure.
*Evelyn shakes her head and sighs, then she starts to close her book, pauses, then says curiously*
Chloe: Just, why did you kiss me?
*O'Connell shrugs as he cleans his guns*
Conda: I was about to be hanged at the time. Seemed like a good idea.
Munkustrap: We appreciate your honesty.
*Evelyn gets a very offended look on her face, slams her book shut, grabs it and storms off. O'Connell blinks in confussion*
Conda: Was it something I said?
*snickering is heard behind some cargo. O'Connell looks at it a moment, stands up, then reaches behind it and pulls out...*
Conda: Well, if it isn't my little buddy Benny! I think I'll kill you now. *puts a gun to his head*
Grizzly: Isn't that a fine how-do-you do.
Road Dogg: Wait! Think of my kittens!
Conda: You don't have any kittens.
Roady: I might someday.
Tommi: More of THOSE running around? Everlasting Cat, help us all!
Jag: I'll find a human to pay for the bill if you can find a vet to fix that problem.
Tommi: Deal.
Conda: I should've figured you were the one leading the Americans. So, what's the scam? You get them out in the middle of the desert then leave them to rot?
Roady: No, not this time. These Americans are smart...They only pay me half now, and half when I get them back to Cairo, so I must go all the way.
*After some consideration, Conda pulls the gun away and uncocks it. Roady relaxs*
Roady: You never believed in Hamunaptra, O'Connell. Why are you going back?
*Conda gestures down the dock, where Chloe is seen petting one of the 'camels' (aka Great Danes with humps strapped to their backs). Chloe sees she's being watched, and walks off*
Conda: You see that queen? She saved my neck. I figured it was the least I could do.
Roady: You always did have more ba--*gets a look from the Typist* Well, what else am I going to say?
Typist: *sighs* Alright, alright....Fine. I just better not get any hate mail about how some person's child was corrupted by
reading that word in one of my parodies.
Roady: Thank you.
*Conda forces a smile*
Conda: Good-bye, Benny.
*Roady is then thrown over board*
Dais: Uh, Typist?
Typist: Yes?
Dais; You do realize that that's REAL water, right? Not an illusion?
Typist: Yes, why?
Dais: Well, mainly because cats and water mix about as well as rats and a five star hotel.
Typist: *eyes widen* Oh...that's right. *gulps*
*Roady clings to the side of the ship set*
Roady: Help! Somebody help me!!! I don't want to get wet!!
Typist: *looks at Dais* I'm going to have lots of trouble with this one, aren't I?
Dais: I'm afraid so.
Typist: Well....I bet they all needed to learn how to swim, anyway...
*Roady looses his grip and plummets in the water, screaming and kicking and yelling for help. Conda just walks off looking smug, then stops, seeing that there is wet paw prints on the deck, and a look a bewilderment fills his eyes....Scene changes. We are now in Chloe/Evelyn's room, where she is reading a book and truing to remember important dates in American history. She sighs and throws the book on to her bed, insisting it wasn't THAT good a kiss. She walks over the the mirror, looks at herself, then shakes her fur and looks at herself again...to see the Madji with the hook directly behind her*
Ryo: Wait! Wait! Not yet!
Typist: Oh, come on Ryo...You're on!
Ryo: I know, but my armor was showing under the costume. Go ahead.
Typist: Great...Now the Ronins are making Fashion Statements.
*Anyway, he slams her against the wall and holds up the hook*
Ryo: Where is the map? *mutters* I hate looking like a bad guy...
*Eveylen's eyes glance down. Hook-Guy-Played-By-Ryo looks over at the table, see the map next to a cadle*
Ryo: And the key? Where's the key?
Chloe: Key? What key?
*Just then, O'Connell burst in with a gun in each hand and distracts the Hook-Guy. Evelyn then uses that by grabbing the candle and shoving it in his eye, which would hurt if Ryo wasn't wearing the armor underneath, but he acts as though in agony anyway. O'Connell looks at Evelyn*
Conda: Friend of yours?
Chloe: Yeah, actually, but the Typist is making him be mean, so..
*This ends with Conda pulling Chloe into the hall*
Chloe: The map! We forgot the map!
Conda: Relax, I'm the map. *taps his temple* It's all up here.
Chloe: Oh, THAT'S comforting!
*Anyway, to make a long story short...*
Audience: Too late.
*The ship gets caught on fire and there's also a really big, really cool gun fight between O'Connell with the Americans and the Madji. Finally, it's abandon ship time*
Conda: Can you swim?
Chloe; If the occasion calls for it, yes.
Conda: Trust me. *picks her up* It calls for it.
*With a yelp, Evelyn is tossed overboard. The Warden comes running up to O'Connell*
Sandman: O'Connell! O'Connell! What are we going to do? What are we going to do?!
Conda: *puts his bag on his shoulder* You wait here, I'll go get help.
*Sandman nods, Conda jumps overboard. He sits there a minute before realizing he was tricked, then jumps in after him. Slowly, one by one, all the other abondon ship...Yet the adience is laughing their tails off. After close examination by the Typist, we realize why...everyone who jumped off, is not clinging to the side of the ship.*
Typist: Guys, let go! Let go, or the whole set will....
*the whole set collapses, dumping the cats in the water anyway*
Typist: ...Collapse. Ah, great. Now we have to take a break to try and clean this mess up.
Cast: YAY!
Typist: Oh, no...You all have to help too.
Cast: BOO!
Typist: Okay, come on, get to work...We want to have this done by the time we get back.
Will the poor ship set ever recover? Has a mayjority of the cast soiled themselves beneath it? Will Humpty Dumpty ever get put back together again (which has absolutly nothing to do with this parody, but if you would like to voice your comments in the lastest CNN Gallup Poll, call 1-800-USELESSPOLLS)? Find out on the next instalment of "The Kitty"!
