*the curtain is down, and the audience, which contains all the CATS Character from the musical, talk among themselves as they wait. Just then, a queen walks on stage and requests everyone's complete silence. When she receives this, she continues*
Queen: Welcome, everyone, to Tomlette's Insane Feline Theater, where you'll see some of the most awesome cats on the Internet doing some of the stupidest and most insane things you'll ever see...That is, if your a normal cat. And you all aren't normal cats, you've done enough parodies yourselves to know what I'm talking about.
CATS: *nods and mumble in firm agreement*
Queen: I'm Minifire, and I'll be your host for the evening....or what ever time you readers out there are reading at...Tonight we will preform a parody of 'The Mummy', which, under normal circumstances, would be put on by the cast of CATS, which, for once, make up our audience.
Macavity: About time, too! For once I'm not in danger of getting a concussion...
Typist: Quiet, you. *wacks him with a frying pan*
Mistoffelees: So much for that idea, Mac.
Minifire: *blinks* Uh..As I was saying...Tonight, we'll give the old crew a break, and bring in some made-up characters from various Typists, including our Typist tonight, the Tomlette!
*the Typist takes a bow, and the crowd boos*
Typist: Well, love you too...
Minifire: And so, without further ado, here is 'The Kitty' preform by the characters of the CATS RPG Chatroom! Enjoy!
*the curtain rises, and we see a setting of ancient Egypt. The slaves are working, building a pyramid or something, I don't remember, when a voice...*
Goldenjaguar: Did you just say slaves?
Typist: Yeah, those were their workers back then.
Jag: But that's pretty hard work...They should get paid for that....
Typist: You mean the extras? Don't worry, they're being paid.
Tomasia: Yeah, about as much as we are...which is zilch.
Typist: Okay, okay...Well, their doing it of their own free will.
Jag: So then they wouldn't be slaves.
Typist: Yes they are, that's what the Egyptians used.
Jag: But you said...
Typist: Never mind what I said! They are actors playing slaves, okay?
Jag: Ohh...Okay, I understand.
*Anyway, the slaves are hard at work when a voice begins to speak off stage*
*long pause, crickets sound*
Typist: Uh, Jag?
Jag: Yes?
Typist: Your on...
Jag: Huh? Oh, right...Sorry, I'm used to saving the world, not movies turned theater.
Andreaste: If you call THIS theater.
Jag: *clears his voice* Thebes...City of the Living, and crown jewel of Pharaoh Ceti the First.
*the set changes to a room in the same time, and the lights dim, showing it's night, as Cassanova walks on stage in full costume....a.k.a. trying not to trip on the waytolong robes*
Jag: Home of Imhotep, Pharaoh's High Priest...
*Andreaste walks on stage, dressed as a very high class Egyptian queen, walking toward Nova*
Jag: And birthplace of Anck-Su-Namun, Pharaoh's Mistress. No other tom was allowed to touch her.
Nova: *out of context* Probably because I'd have to kill them if they did.
Andy: *elbows him before slipping into character*
*there's this real romantic scene between the two that I'm too lazy to type out and it's the Mummy anyway, who hasn't scene that movie? And while that goes on, the Pharaoh, played by Feryl, walks in to the room. Before they are caught, Imhotep is forced to hide*
Feryl: *looks over Andy, then points to a place on her arm where the body paint is smeared, then says in what's supposed to by Egyptian, but to teach these guys how to speak it would take way to much time on my behalf, so it's actually Pig Latin, but for your convenience, and the fact I'm also to lazy to think out what the words would be in Pig Latin, it's already been translated into English*
Chloe: Woah, you're a real slacker, aren't you?
Typist: Chloe, don't forget that your MY character....And I'd hate to have Chuck and Tyler mad at me for killing you.
Chloe: *gulps*
Feryl: Uh, excuse me, but whose on stage right now?
Typist: Sorry, Feryl, go ahead. *duct tape's Chloe's mouth shut for the time being*
Feryl: *sighs and shakes his head, then says his line*
*Nova walks up behind him and pulls his sword away, Feryl turns around and stares*
Feryl: Imhotep?? My Priest?!?
*Andy pulls a dagger out of somewhere and stabs Feryl in the back, then Nova stabs him in the stomach...they hack on him for a little while, but have to stop because they hear the Madji, Pharaoh's Bodyguards, coming*
Arzon: Oh my God, they killed Feryl!
Tommi: Those bast--*is hit on the head by the Typist*
Typist: Sorry, P.G. rating.
Tommi: Oh, right...Those Jabronis!
Feryl: *walks up to Tommi* What happened this time?
Tommi: *blinks* You're...alive!
Arzon: But you just died!
Typist: *groans, and takes some Aleve* I don't why I put myself through this.
*Meanwhile, on stage, Nova's 'priests' have pulled him away from Andy, with him swearing to resurrect her because, let's face it, she helped kill the Pharaoh...she's a dead cat!*
Andy: How delicately you put it. *to the guards in what's supposed to be Egyptian translated into Pig Latin* My body is no longer his temple! *stabs herself in the stomach*
*everyone backstage screams*
Grizzly: She's dead!!
Tommi: Those jabronis!
Typist: No, she's just fine...Just a little bit of stage magic.
Nightstalker: First Feryl, now Andy...What is this, a production or a graveyard?
Poge & Tito: We heard that.
NS: No offence to the local spectors, of course.
Typist: I said...oh, never mind. *takes some more Aleve*
Jag: To resurrect Anck-Su-Namun, Imhotep and his priests broke into her crypt and stole her body, then raced deep into the desert to Hamunaptra, City of The Dead.
*the scene has changed to Nova and his 'priests' (they're really just a bunch of Chuck's characters that had nothing better to do) trying to resurrect a seemingly lifeless Andy, whose pulling off the dead thing quiet well, probably because she's had a lot of practice. The 'priests' are circling Imhotep and the alter, bowing constantly while Nova reads from a black book*
Jag: They dared go deep into the city, and take the Book of the Dead from it's holy resting place...
Revelation: That's the black book Dad's reading out of, just so you'll know.
Jag: They placed Anck-Su-Namun's body parts, a.k.a. the organs and whatnot they took out of her to mummify her in the first place, which doesn't look like all that nice of a burial to begin with...
Typist: Jag, really, I didn't expect you to stoop to THEIR level. *points to all the other characters, esp. Her own Tomasia*
Jag: Hey, even I've got to relax every once and a while.
Typist: Relax. Not act like an idiot.
Jag: But I'm...
Typist: Just keep going!
Jag: Alright, alright...Shesh. *clears throat*
*same scene, but our Special Effects department manages to pull off Anck-Su-Namun's soul returning from the dead and to Andy's body, who gives a loud gasp and stares at the ceiling with a 'I think I drank to much last night' look on her face*
Scorpion: Dais, that didn't even look real...You know what it looks like for someone to come back to life!
Dais: I know that, but that's the way they did it in the movie.
Scorpion: Well, you should have tried to fix that instead of going along with it.
Dais: Hey, if you can do better, I'd like to see you try.
Wing: Stupid thing to ask the Keeper of the Gates, Dais.
Dais: Was I asking you?
Typist: Will you all just shut up?! The scene's come and gone...we've got a whole parody to do still!
Tommi: Well, not really the whole thing, just 8/10 of it...
Typist: Gah! *chases off the Russian blue and white cat, steel chair in hand*
Jag: And she was complaining about me talking.
*ANYWAY, to make a long story short...*
All, Cast and Audience: Too late.
*...The guards find out and stop the ritual, sending Anck-Su-Namun's soul back to the grave. They sentence the priests to be mummified alive...*
Nova: Tough break, guys.
*...And Imhotep to suffer the Homdi, the most awful of all Egyptian curses*
Nova: Tough brea--WAIT A MINUTE! This isn't in my contract!
Typist: Yes it was...Read the fine print next time.
*Everybody's seen 'The Mummy' anyway, as I mentioned earlier, so we'll just let you remember what they did to Imhotep while we just skip forward several hundreds of years to Hamunaptra--1923, where one army is lining up against the wall to start fighting another army over...*
Jag: *taps the Typist's shoulder*
Typist: Yes?
Jag: Don't I have a few lines before that?
Typist: Oh, right. Go ahead.
Jag: *nods* All I really wanted to say was that Imhotep was turned into a horrible creature that if he should ever rise he'd bring with him the Ten Pledges of Egypt and try to conqueror the world, so me and my group, the Madji, who are the decedents of Pharaoh's Sacred Bodyguards, are sworn to keep that from happening at all coasts. Thank you, and have a nice day.
*By the time Jag's done, both armies are asleep*
Jag: Oh, come on, it wasn't THAT long!
Nick: Actu'ly, guv'na, they was 'sleep long time a'go, de was. Somewhere in tha ritual part, I'ma thinkin'.
Jag: Well, we can't have that. Golden Bomb!
*Jag throws the attack in between the two armies, and not only does it wake them up, but it destroys the set and turns all the cats in the first two rows into Bar-B-Qued Jellicles*
Wing: Uh...Jag? Maybe that was a little too powerful for a simple wake up call...
Jag: *whistles* Yeah, I think you're right. Whoops.
Typist: *groans, looks at Dais* Can you fix it?
Dais: No, but I can cover it up. *fixes the set with his illusions*
Typist: Thank you...Anyway, the show must go on!
*back on stage, there is an army that is supposed to be on horses, but we couldn't fit that many of those in a theater. even a really big one like this one, so it's really just a bunch of Grey Hounds dressed up like horses charging a ancient Egyptian city, where at the walls, soldiers on foot await them. Suddenly, the commander of the foot soldiers, and the only guy mounted, chickens out and takes off running two of the soldiers watch him go, then look at each other*
Road Dogg: *looks at Anaconda* Looks like you just got promoted.
Anaconda: *sighs, looks ahead and aims his gun; yells to the men* Steady!
*the 'horses' continue to charge forward*
Conda: Steady! *to Roady* You're with me on this one, right?
Roady: *sarcastically* Oh, you're strength gives me strength...
Sub-Zero: That's a laugh.
Roady: Hey, what are you applying? That I don't have any guts?
SlyKat: Hey, he's not as dumb as he looks after all.
Roady: Oh, sure, everybody pick on Roady just because he works for Rouge...
Poge: From what I hear, it's more like Rouge's stooge.
Roady: *flatly* Ha-ha. Let me tell you guys something, I have as much guts as any other cat in this parody, and I expect... *sees the shadow of a maned creature on the wall* Gah! A lion! Big cats hate me! *hides*
Grizzly: *walks around the corner, his maned shadow following him; blinks at Roady, who he can see because of his shaking* What happened to him?
Typist: Self-denial problem. *drags the wrestling-based character out of his hiding place and throws him back on stage*
*Anyway, Roady, not quiet over the fright of the 'lion', drops his gun and goes running after the commander of the foot soldiers*
Roady: *running for all he's worth* Wait for me!!!
*Conda halfway glares at Roady as he leaves, but continues his attack until he finally give the command to fire...Several of the opposing army's men fall at once, but they eventually over take the foot soldiers and run all over Hamunaptra killing them (with many screams and outraged cries backstage, over half of the cast having to be held back by the theater's security, and Tommi regularly shouting 'Those jabronis!'). As two of the mounted soldiers charge our hero, he spots Roady and an open tomb*
Conda: Run, Benny! Quick, get inside! Get inside!
*Roady runs into the tomb, and starts to shut the door with Conda still running towards him*
Conda: Wait a minute, don't shut that door! Don't shut that door!!
*He arrives just in time to get the door slammed in his face, and, after a momentary cursing which our P.G. rating doesn't allow me to type out, he turns and shoots down both attackers, and continues to fight as he's pushed deeper into the city until, finally, he runs out of ammo and is cornered. It looks like the end of the road as he shuts his eyes and prepares to get shot (and with Chloe screaming hysterically backstage and being held back by security), but something spooks the mounted soldiers 'horses' so badly they flee, taking their riders with them, and leaving Conda alive*
Cloe: Whew...that was a close one.
Typist: *mutters incoherently* Sure it was, Chlo... *pays the guards extra for holding back the cast, then pays them a little more to make sure they continue to do so during the rest of the production*
*On stage, Anaconda blinks in amazement, then starts to hear soft voices and looks around, but there's no one. Then he starts to be attacked by the sand, and has to run to keep from being buried in it, and as he does, our Special Effects department gives us a face in the sand*
Tommi: Not like the face on Mars, more like it's made out of the sand.
Typist: Thank you for pointing out the obvious.
Tommi: Anytime...Hey, wait a minute!
*As Conda starts to leave the city, he stops and looks directly at the group of Madji that were watching the entire fight, as though just now noticing them, and starts to run again. The Madji watch him go*
Jag: *says in what's supposed to be Egyptian turned into Pig Latin* The creature remains undiscovered.
Antonio: What of this one? *gestures to Conda* Should we kill him?
Jag: No. Let the desert kill him. *mutters out of context* I'd never do that...
Typist: Yes, but Ardeet Bay would, so deal with it.
Chloe: *pounces up and down* Is it my turn yet, is it my turn yet?!
Typist: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's just give our readers an intro first...
Tugger: Hey, what about your audience? What are we, chopped beef?
Typist: At this point in space and time, pretty much.
Tugger: *grumbles* Just making sure.
*Our scene changes yet again to a library in Cairo, Egypt, 3 years later. We see a young, calico queen of respectable stature...*
Chloe: That's me.
*...on a very, very high shelf putting books away. However, she finds that in her stack there is a book that goes in the shelf across the way from her, so she leans out as far as she can to try to put it away, but gets over balanced and....To make a long story short, she falls on one of the shelves and it dominos, one falling on another until they've all fallen*
Chloe: *gulps and looks around worriedly* Oops...
Nova: Dang..Oops is right...
*the Curator comes out just then, and looks around the room with a shocked look*
WilyKat: Wha...But...How... *spots Chloe, realizes what happened and almost glares* Look at this mess! Sons of the Pharaoh! Give me frogs! Flies! Locusts! Anything but you! Compared to you, the other pledges were a joy!
*Backstage, Anaconda glares at Kat and starts to look for his sword, but is stopped by the Typist*
Typist: Easy, fella...He doesn't mean it. He's her uncle for crying out loud. He's just a good actor.
Conda: *glances at the stage, then at the Typist* Alright, but that doesn't mean I like it.
Chloe: *gulps* I'm...so sorry, sir...It was..an accident...
Kat: An accident? No, my dear, when Ramses destroyed Sirra, that was an accident...You are a catastrophe! Look at my library! Why do I put up with you?!
Chloe: Oh, well, you...you put up with me because I can read and write ancient Egyptian...And I can decipher Hyoglifics and Hieratic and..and...And I'm the only person within a hundred miles that can properly category this place, that's why you put up with me!
Kat: *crosses his arms* I put up with you because your father and mother were our finest patriots, that's why. And now rest their souls.
*Tomasia and SlyKat look at each other and blink*
Tommi: I didn't know we were dead, did you?
Sly: No, I didn't...I guess you learn something new everyday.
Tommi: Yeah, guess so...Dang, and I was just getting a kick out of life, too!
Typist: No, not you two, he meant Evelyn's...Oh, never mind! *takes what's left of the Aleve and pulls out some Excedrin for later*
Kat: Now, I don't care how you do it, and I don't care how long it takes, just clean this mess up! *marches off stage where he's greeted by several ticked off cats that are friends of Chloe's* Hey, don't look at me, I didn't write the script...I'm the one that change my entire body for her, remember?
*the cats look at each other and end up agreeing that they remember and disburse*
*Meanwhile, on stage, Chloe sighs, then turns her head towards a part of the library that contains artifacts when she hears a rattling. Curious and bewildered, she goes back to investigate and is greeted by a mummy that nearly leaps out at her, while her brother, Jonathan (played by Wing who managed to hide his metallic wings....I don't plan to ask how), laughs at his prank*
Chloe: Ohh...Have you no respect for the dead?!
Wing: Of course I do, but sometimes... *puts his arm around the shoulders of the mummy and props it's elbow on the edge of the case* I rather like to join them.
Chloe: Well, I wish you'd do it later rather than sooner before you ruin my career the way you've ruined yours. *places the mummy back and gently slaps him* Now get out.
Wing: My dear sister, I'll have you know *starts to clumsily get out* that at this very moment my career is on a high note.
Chloe: High note, ha! Look, Jonathan, I'm really not in the mood for you right now...I've made a bit of a mess in the library...
Lioness: 'Bit of a mess'? Try 'I wrecked it worse than the Typist would a car!'
Typist: Hey, I can drive! *long pause* Well...Sorta...But don't tell my Mom's truck that, it used to have the scars to disprove me...
Chloe: ...And the Bimbridge Scholars have rejected my application form again. They say I don't have enough experience in the field.
Caesar: Yes she does, she can grow anything you want grown in a matter of moments!
Typist: Wrong field.
Wing: *frowns a bit and walks over to her* You'll always have me, ol' Mum. *smirks* Besides, I have just the thing to cheer you up! *goes over to the coffin-dealy again*
Chloe: Oh, Jonathan, if you give me one more worthless trinket to try and sell for you I'll... *blinks when he hands a small box to her* Where...did you get this?
Wing: Oh, on a dig down in....uh...Thebes. My whole life I've never found anything, please, Evie, tell me I've found something.
*Chloe examines it closely and makes in pop open revealing a piece of paper inside*
Chloe: *stares as she picks it up* Jonathan...?
Wing: *also staring* Yes...?
Chloe: I think you've found something. *unfolds it and reveals...a free two day pass to the local water park?!?*
Typist: *yells in out rage* TOM-A-SIA!!!
Tommi: What?! What'd I do??
Typist: *marches on stage, retrieves the map, marches back and shoves it in Tommi's face* No where in the script does it mention a water park in Egypt!!!
Tommi: *smirks a bit* Well, It does now! Besides, Egypt's a really hot place and, while I'm not a big water fan myself, I thought...
Typist: Don't you ever, ever, ever, EVER think again!! You little... *reaches for her steel chair*
Tommi: EEP! *runs*
*As Tommi runs from her own Typist, which is now armed and dangerous, SlyKat steps in and trips the lunatic Texan, making sure she's a frog when she hits the ground*
Typist: *angrily ribbits*
Anaconda: Yikes...Looks like we're left without a Typist.
Andy: Does this mean the parody's over?!
Tito: No, just that we should wait while the Typist resituates herself.
*all agree and wait...*
*And wait...*
*And wait...*
*Still waiting...*
*The audience leaves to get some snacks...*
*Waiting...*
*Andy, Jag, Tommi, Poge, and Nova start to play Uno...*
*We're still on hold...*
*Audience comes back...*
*Nova wins, and gets cursed by Tommi...*
*Maybe you should get some coffee...*
Griz: Hmm...Perhaps we should go to the next part while we wait?
Jag: Good idea. Maybe by then we'll have a Typist to finish this with.
Does the Typist ever return to normal? Does the audience die of boredem in the meanwhile? Will the free water park pass ever be seen again? Find out in the next time on "The Kitty!"
