Coming back to life...
Well, I just read my 'prose' from last year. It gave me a good many chuckles. Funniest was the last part which i quote:
"Well, its late in the night, and the relevance of all this in my life is henceforth void. Void, since I have managed to remove (filling is only if I've found a substitute) the void she left in my life. My heart I hope has healed. I wonder who will break it next^ . This should be the end of this diary. Im 20 now with the burden of the rest of my life on my head. I need to keep laying the road that will lead me to my destination more than another 3 score years away. Lets hope I never dally like this for a year again, wasting my time dwelling in the past (yes I quite like the word dwell I shall use it as often as I can.). The past is a great storehouse of memories a man should visit from time to time - not live there. Good night and God Bless. I promise my next prose shall be more deserving of your time."
Well with my 20th Birthday come and gone, I finally began to mature, mentally. Because i told myself it was time to and therefore actually did. I did some good road-laying for 4 months, and then disaster struck- I thought I was in love with my best friend (female of course). I actually spent those 4 months running out the frying pan, into the fire, coz this time, it'd be much more devastating.
*Her (throughout this story) is the ^'person who broke it next'
I should actually sit down with all the books & papers ive written to myself and her* over this past year, and make sense of it all, but i dont have the time for it, or the inclination to go thru so much junk.
So Im just gonna work with stuff thats in my head today, and deal with love, my definitions of it. the arguments for and against (with relevance to this time). Some day, maybe these compilations will become a bestseller. Ive got 59 years to go (some people want 29). Hope to God i dont spend it like the last 2. Happy - 4 months. Various stages of recovery - 8 months.
[Funny how I want 60 more years of life, she wants 30 and we've got a friendship charted for 50 years]
Sometime soon, ill begin narrating:) So, well, here it is! We've been friends for (feels like an eternity now, I wonder what it will feel like 10 years from now. Atleast by then we'll BOTH be sitting together and reminescing (laughing at the silly things I did (well silly yes, but I've learn a lot through it))) a long long time. We'll always be. We started spending a hell of a lot of time talkin to each other, last May.
[Wow did you check that last paragraph out. One thread (programmer talk) calling another, calling yet another. To paraphrase (explain) - triple nested thoughts.]
And the days went by in a blur - only the blur was a continuous smile - we each had someone to talk to, discuss our personal life. Wow i still cant believe half of the things we've told each other. And then my birthday came (as discussed in the previous chapter). With one less person in my heart, i began to latch on to her even more. And she clung back, just as tightly.
Some people you only let in 'so much' into your heart. Some, a little more. But in ones life, theres very, very few, that you give yourself to completely. With whom, the understanding is 100%. The compatibility incredible. God! Our relationship was so close and so tangible, i still feel like i can just reach out and touch it.
Your best friend is the one you'd feel comfortable sharing ANYTHING with. Who'd accept you for what you are, no matter what you do. Who'd forgive anything you do (to them or other). Who hurt when you hurt (or hurt to have to hurt you - i think i scored with that last one). Who care so much for you, they'd do anything for you. Who are simply content in knowing that the other is there when they need them.
Lord, I have never felt so close to another person in my life (I hope my mom won't take offence at that last remark, i'll always love her more). How much time we've spent together. Every single day, many times a day.
Somewhere we should introduce the concept of love. Im getting tired of seeing myself moan like some forlorn lovesick(thats me:) soul. Lovesick? Yea I love her. There is no purer (or greater - ma, dont take offence again) love than the one I have for her. Jese i should stop using (). But hey anything is better than that triple nesting i did a while ago, which, I'm pretty sure u still havent figured out. So why don't u go back and take another peep at it while I figure out what I want to say and how I'm gonna say it.
~~~~~~End of Intro
I wish my story could begin as romantically as "we met at a waterfall", like the beach story of mine. You should read it, its my first work of (for want of a better word) art. But since my story has already just begun, ill try to pick it up from here.
Well, you know the background - the blah blah about how close we were. Now, naturally as 20 year olds* do, at some point you start wondering as to the meaning of love. You've heard various definitions. You start trying different ones on. And what do you do when most of them seem to fit? You conclude that you're in love. Well some of the definitions i tried on were 'Love is caring', 'love is forgiveness' 'love is never having to say your sorry'. Well many many more have been tried on and found to fit. Some that didnt seem to fit were 'Love is longing' (longing yes, but not the physical kind). But anyways, on the whole, I concluded that I was in love. Or rather, that there was scope for love, for you need two hands to clap (and one-hand is no fun, trust me, ive been doing it for long enough).
*No, actually 20 year olds are supposed to fall in love at the drop of a hat and have already found the girl they wanna marry by then (thats how it is with all my friends). All I've done is found a friend I want to share the rest of my life with, loving and supporting.
"For love recalled
Is love reborn
We're determined to relive the pain
But then lovers are deranged."
Lets see, i thought of some nice songs to quote this morning:
"I used to think that i could not go on. That life was nothing but a mournful song. But now i know the meaning of true love. I mean the only everlasting love..."
"Im just the pieces of the man i used to be. Too many bitter tears are raining down on me. But far away from home and ive been facing this alone for much to long... Too much love will kill you..."
"Im taking time for quiet consolation, in passing by this love thats passed away..."
Funny, I have a best friend, and I dont even talk to her these days. But time spent apart takes not from our relationship one whit. I know that when the time is right, we'll pick up right where we left off, coz i know thats how it was those few days in between when we did meet. Im sure she longs to hear all the silly things that run through in my head.
In my life - "in my life i've loved them all but of all these friends and others there is no one compares with you and these memories lose their meaning when i think of love as something new. "
(((apres un an exactement))
listen i dont care how it turns out. if she wants love, shes got more than any woman can handle. if she wants friendship, shes got all a body can ask for. if she doesnt want me, then im just gonna curl up somewhere and die:)
"Please don't take what I'm saying amiss
Or misunderstand at a time such as this
'Cause if such close friends should ever fall out
What would there be left worth fighting about"
Jon keeps featuring every once in a while, stupid fellow. He's usually around when troubles brewing, or when things are coming to a head, or when Im 'falling in love', or when i need to talk. Smart fellow. Hes foolin himself but atleast today, he believes he's never gonna fall in love (again). Cursed word - again. You think of all the silly things u did the last time and u dont know whether to laugh or cry.
"i guess that fools never learn... to fall out ouf love" - 'out of love' by Toto
My saddest thought after all of this is my career as writer that had to lay by the wayside for the past year, just when i was showing promise with many articles in the pipeline - I had a whole array lined up. I guess 18/M really screwed my career for me. Oh for those of you who 'dont already know' 18/M is that story of mine thats been burnt and will never be seen again.
Oh and I'd like to say, like Bach, I dont care how many people dislike the way I ramble, on and on and on. I write for me, not for you. Writing is a reflection of MY thoughts, messy and convoluted though they may be. "The rides are 3$ CASH". For those of you who'd like to know where I got that line from, you should read 'Illusions' by Richard Bach. I really gotta stop ending tales (fiction or else) with that suggestion. I especially dont like it because it implies that my writing has some philosophic content, when in fact its just one BIG waste of time. Speaking of philosophy, i think I'll make that my next chapter (and there I'll mention my other favorite book:)