Mood:
irritatedYeah, real fucking hilarious.
It?s clear now that my mother and I are back to square one again.
What the fuck is wrong with her?!
I?M JUST TRYING TO FUCKING LIVE OUT MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU EDITING EVERY FUCKING MOVE I MAKE!! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!
She fucking has taken my internet, she fucking took my cell phone today - the only momentous joy I had left in my existence.
What the FUCK.
The ?problem?: she was *boo-hoo* so sick today, which isn?t anything new, and she decided to take the day off from her job. Well, I had a paper to print out that was due today *which wouldn?t have been a fucking problem if I had the router repaired and would have been able to print my documents from my room and not disturbing her gracious fucking sleep.* This then provoked her to roll over in her bed to the sound of my clicking on the keyboard, trying to fucking fix like 5 typos. After I explained the reason of my presence, she opened her mouth to let out a threat I didn?t think she was even capable of: ?..yeah, well when you get home, john, you, and I are gonna have a talk and you?re GONNA GET IT!!? she said it so fiercely and so barbarically, I was shocked. I then went to my room where I expressed a resentful breakdown through tears and an angry poem *which is written below* b/c my mom can?t just let go of the fucking little things in life that don?t even fucking matter.
and it kept me on my toes all day. I couldn?t let go of it and I made sure all of my friends heard about one more horror that has escaped out of her face. Just another great thing to set against her - my friends loved hearing about her bipolarism My mom is just riDICulous *notice my strong emphasis on the word.*
So, no looking forward to something before I rest my eyes and fall asleep.
I have to shut them cold and lonely tonight and for the rest of the week.
No wishing me sweet dreams. I?m sure there won?t be any.
I have no choice other than to hold my breath and wait for long conversations with dan at the end of the week.
She?s such a bitch.
Oh, and happy birthday allen.
~Applying mascara to saline-slick lashes isn?t the easiest thing while trying to look pretty.
Tears blind the eyes and influence the judgement to hold harsh decisions.
The truth isn?t so pleasant now, is it? Or was it ever?.. Since when was the truth an easy thing to say?
You can?t have a testimony without a test, but the tests never stop because you never stop.
When can I leave..? You?re still holding my hand and I?m not pulling you behind me now, I?m pulling away from you, but you can?t tell the difference. You?ll tell yourself what you want to hear and you don?t need logic for your reasoning because you have the power that assumed to you by nature?s cause, but that doesn?t make it right for you to penalize me according to my first chance that hasn?t even been spoiled yet. The second chance hasn?t been touched and the third and following rest in the shadowing corners and you notice them all, big and small. You spray your tainted words across them and crush all hopes for anything with a happy life.
Disoriented and displaced - missing those two most important realtionships.
So I try to reach out for second best, which seem to be barely what I can grasp onto for long. My grip tightens but I slip easier and fall harder than I would have.
It hasn?t changed me - it hasn?t made me different... or has it? Tell me I?m not being niave... tell me I?m ok... when I know I?m not ok, just lie to my face and show me the way...~