Chapter 15
Creasing her eyes open Hannah suffered a case of déjà vu with Nick’s chest rising and falling as her pillow. They had fallen asleep separately yet ironically found each other in the night. As not to disturb him she snuck out of bed to stop and watch him sleeping. There was something about him lying there that invited him back to her heart. The way his eyes quivered while he dreamed and the soft whisper of his breath warmed her. He was lost to her for a while but seeing him there, so vulnerably laid out for her love, she understood what was happening. She was remembering that this wasn’t someone she hated. He wasn’t an evil man trying to ruin her life. He was Nick, and in spite of everything, he was the same.
Yawning she started the coffee pot and rubbed her eyes with a spare hand. There, laid out on the counter, was Kevin’s number and she remembered her promise from the night before. Shuffling her feet she picked up the phone and smiled as her eyes caught sight of the cracked bedroom door which had Nick sleeping slightly beyond.
“Hello?” Kevin answered the phone after two short rings.
“Good morning,” Hannah cheered as she covered another yawn. “I said I’d call.”
“Yea,” he said, “So how is he?” Leave it to Kevin to get right down to business.
“Hold on one second,” she set the phone down spotting that the coffee had stopped dripping. Grabbing a mug she poured herself a cup and let the first sip permeate through her as it livened all her senses. Picking up the phone again she continued her conversation. “There, better…Nick’s fine. He’s still sleeping in the other room.”
“Well go and wake him,” Kevin ordered not bothering to conceal the agitation in his voice.
“No way, it’s not even that late yet. Clock reads 9 here, he needs to sleep it off. Trust me, you’re talking to a college student. I know how to handle a hangover.”
“He’s not some college kid! He’s got to keep up with a schedule during tour rehearsal time.”
“Today’s Saturday, we’ll see that he’s all back in order by Monday. Seriously, Kev, I know what’s best for him…if he’s not up by 6 then I’ll wake him. Stop worrying!” she assured him.
“I’m not worrying,” he protested.
“It’s written all over your face,” she imagined.
“You can’t see me,” he replied factually.
“Fine, then it’s all over your voice. The point is stop. Nick is perfectly safe here with me; I’ll take great care of him.”
“That means you can’t go running out on him when he starts getting sentimental,” he lectured and she rolled her eyes. Gosh he knew how to be way too mature and adult for his own good. This was a man who was born to be a father he bosses people around so much.
“You know you really need to quit doing that,” she chuckled.
“Doing what?” he asked completely oblivious. That however was a male trait not unique to only Kevin.
“That annoying thing you always do! It’s not attractive.” Walking and talking she opened the door to her apartment and grabbed the morning newspaper and began checking the big headlines.
“I really wish you would just wake Nick,” he sighed.
“Why? So he can feel like crap from his hangover and then feel even more like crap when he remembers last night? You know he’s going to beat himself up over it so forgive me for prolonging that a little bit so I can get loaded up on some caffeine first!”
“Ok,” he agreed. “I suppose you’re right. How’s your face anyway?” he finally showed some interest in her.
“Well being too much of a chicken I haven’t checked in a mirror but I can feel that it’s bad. No one can say that boy doesn’t have a strong punch,” she said gently touching the bruise.
“I’m never going to underestimate the importance of security again,” Kevin promised. “If we didn’t give them the night off none of that would have ever happened. I am so sorry.”
“Would you guys stop saying that already?! I’m really starting to hate those four words. Gosh, only thing people seem to be doing anymore is apologizing over and over. But gee! I get it…you can drop it now” she stated starting to get defensive.
“Alright, I won’t apologize anymore. I just wanted you to know--”
“That you are sorry,” she finished and they both laughed which eased the tension of the call. “I will admit, it’s good to hear from you guys again. I had so much fun with everyone those few weeks we met in the Bahamas and it’s just weird how we went from being that close to me thinking I’d never talk to any of you again. Glad that I was wrong,” she admitted sitting in a chair.
“Aww, aren’t you too sweet?” he teased. “No, yea, but honestly I know what you mean. You’re a great gal Hannah, so great that I’m glad you’re kicking Nick’s booty to the curb. You deserve better than how he treated you.”
“Glad to see that you really stick up for your friends when their not around,” she laughed and starting playing with her toes. “It’s gonna be rough, but I’m not going to give up on him quite yet.” Shrugging her shoulders she looked up at the ceiling, “Who knows, maybe there’s still hope for us.”
“Yea, maybe. Kristen and I broke up once, did you know that?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Well we did. We were together for years and then we broke up and a couple years later got back together and then a few years down the line got married. So just because two people are meant to be together, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t going to go through hard times. Maybe that’s all it was, just a really bad time in your relationship. But that could be it, it could be over now.” Hearing someone point out things that she was too scared to notice was helpful and she appreciated the fact that Kevin was showing some interest in their relationship. He may be a real stiff but he does know what he’s talking about and maybe he was right.
“Wow, I had no idea you and Kris were ever broken up. I guess that brings a new perspective to things, thanks.”
“Anytime, I’m here to help you or Nick or you and Nick if you choose,” he told her. “I may be a nag a lot of times but I really just want the people I love and care about to be happy.”
“You love and care about me?” she asked a little astonished that she was that important to him.
“Yea,” he stated surprised that she didn’t know that already. “Anyone that Nick loves is important to me. But even more than that, I like you a lot and I don’t want you to be anything but happy. Don’t you know how thrilled I was to see you at that party? I was so excited cause I’d actually get to talk with you again. You’re smart, really smart, and I really dig that.”
“Thanks…uhh I guess,” she giggled. “You’re not so bad yourself Kev. But look, before we get any more mushy gushy I think I’m gonna go take a shower before Nick wakes up. And I’m going to try to cover up this bruise somehow, I don’t think he needs to see this first thing.”
“You’re really concerned with his feelings aren’t you?” he commented noticing that she was so worried that Nick would find out he had hit her when most girls would be furious that it happened in the first place, with good reason.
“Yea,” she sighed. “But even more because I know it was an accident. He would never hit me, he might treat me like shit and blow me off but he would never physical hurt me like that. I know Nick enough to know that he’s going to feel like the scum of the earth when he sees my face. I just want to prevent him having to go through that cause I don’t want him to feel bad for something he didn’t mean to have happen.”
“He’s lucky to have someone like you in his life,” he confessed. “But I’ll let you go now. Call to check in later so I know that Nick is conscious.”
“No problem worry wart,” she rolled her eyes. “I’ll call you after he wakes up. Talk to you later,” she hung up the phone and stood up on her feet examining her apartment. She still had a lot of unpacking to do and it suddenly struck her how unattractive stacked boxes really were. Shrugging her shoulders she decided to spend some time clearing them out so when Nick woke up he would at least be able to walk around the place freely.
Creeping into the room she checked to see if he was still sleeping. His body was still laying in bed but she could see that he was started to shuffle in the sheets, a sure sign that he was about to come to. Glad to be in his presence she crawled beside him in bed and laid there until his blue eyes finally fluttered opened. Taken back by his surroundings he flinched but relaxed when he looked over and saw her staring at him with curious eyes. “Hey sleepy head,” she smiled. “Are you ready for some aspirin?” she asked reaching behind her head for the bottle and rattled it in her hands.
Squinting his eyes he shook his head, “Am I sick?” he asked.
“No,” she said taking out three white pills and handing them to him with a glass of water. “You probably feel like you’ve been hit by a mack truck though…you got pretty hammered last night.”
Looking at her he gasped, “Your face! Oh my god, what happened to you?”
Biting her lip she wasn’t exactly sure what the best way to explain the purple bruise was. How do you tell someone that they got so out of control that they started flinging their fists around and striking the person they love unintentionally? How did she tell him that he was the one who hit her? “You know what?” she asked looking at him, “It doesn’t matter now because it’s over.”
“Wait wait a minute,” he paused looking down at the sheets trying to piece things together and then he laid back down covering his face with his hands. “I remember, I was drunk last night but not totally out of it,” he groaned. “What an idiot,” he peered at her apologetically.
“Don’t even apologize,” she punched him gently, “I am so tired of everyone apologizing and trust me,” she patted his chest. “You did that repeatedly last night so I got the message loud and clear.”
“But I hit you, you’re not mad? How can you not be mad that I punched you?”
“Because it was my fault when you think about it really…I was stupid enough to actually stay in the bar with Zach and I let the situation escalate.”
“Zach,” he sighed, “Is he…”
“Yes, he was the guy I was with.” Nick nodded his head in contemplation and she pitied him for the way he was feeling just then. He must feel like crap but he wouldn’t let it show because he was so darn worried about her. “We don’t have to do this now,” she told him. “How about you let me make you some breakfast?”
Groaning he grasped his stomach, “Don’t even mention food right now.” Chuckling she tried to think of something else to say that would be an easier topic to discuss. “Can’t we just talk about us?” he asked. “That’s the only thing on my mind.”
“I don’t know,” she said glaring at him. “I mean, right now I don’t think…”
“Stop thinking about it ok, why did you run out while I was singing to you?” he demanded and she was startled by the seriousness behind his voice. She wasn’t going to successfully change the subject.
“It was something you said,” she admitted lying down beside him.
“Something I said?” he did that thing where he repeated what she said and turned it into a question. He was good at that. “What did I say?”
“Yea,” she bit the lining of her lip trying to keep herself occupied with something. “Right when you were telling me that you hadn’t gotten with anyone while you were away I got scared because I knew that I had been. I mean,” she paused and shook her head. “I haven’t slept with Zach or anyone, but I did stop waiting around for you. And I guess I just felt like I’d betrayed you or something and there you were, up there on that stage asking me to forgive you for something but I wasn’t sure if I could even forgive myself.”
“Do you think you can forgive yourself now?” he questioned hoping that she was going to be more responsive this time than she was in previous conversations.
Tossing and turning a bit she wasn’t comfortable laying there in her bed about to discuss their future right then. It was just too awkward with him being hung over, her with a bruise on her face, and the fact that every move he made was trying to get closer to her and hers just the opposite. “Sure I can forgive myself,” she smiled and flipped back her hair. “That won’t be a problem for me, besides it’s not like I’m really serious with Zach so I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Why should I feel bad about starting to see someone else?” she asked and before he could answer she continued talking. Nick stopped figuring she was about to go off on one of her rants which meant any questions she had weren’t actually meant to be answered. “It was when I went home for the first time and saw that you’d moved that my mother told me I needed to start seeing other people. So I flew back here and Zach was the first guy that asked and I took my mom up on her advice and we went on a date with him. It wasn’t anything too big, hardly meant anything to me, but I thought to myself ‘Here’s this gorgeous guy whose really into you, why even consider walking away when there’s nothing to walk to?’ So I kept seeing him, and he told me he loves me, and I continued to see him. But that doesn’t mean that I love him back because I don’t…” she stopped talking and took a short breath. “I don’t love him which only made me think that something was wrong with me because everything about us said that I should be in love with him and all my friends automatically assumed that I was but wasn’t.”
“Why don’t you love him?” Nick asked getting exhausted from her rambling.
“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I guess the only answer would because I’m not ready to fall in love with someone else.”
“That or you can’t,” he rolled over and looked at the ceiling knowing that she was going to get annoyed.
“Look, I’m not trying to make this about you,” she said. “But you got so upset last night when you saw me with him that you drowned yourself in alcohol, sang some vicious song, and started a fight with just about anyone you could. What was it that really made you so angry?”
“I can’t believe you even have to ask me that, it’s not like I haven’t made it abundantly clear already. I’m still in love with you! Of course it’s going to be hard to see you with someone else, especially when I thought that you sill love me.”
“I do--” she stopped herself before going any further. The words were too powerful to say and would give him the wrong idea. Just because she still loved him it didn’t mean she was willing to be with him again. “I do not want to hurt you Nick, that’s the last thing I'll ever want. But I don’t think it’s fair for you to act the way you did.”
“As if you’re some sort of saint right? Look at you lying to yourself over and over and biting your tongue so you won’t say too much of how you feel. Am I supposed to just skip over the fact that you were going to say you love me just now? I may be blond but I’m not stupid.”
“And I’m not stupid either, which means I’m not going to automatically put myself back into a situation I was in before that only ended badly. I’m not going to repeat my same mistake again, my biggest mistake.”
“If you would stop looking at what happened as a mistake maybe you could see that right now you’re shutting out something that will last forever.”
“Because it did before right?” she rolled her eyes and bit tightly onto her lip.
“When I went to Kevin’s wedding without you I learned that I wanted to marry you and all I could do from that moment on was picture you in a white dress walking towards me. It was all I ever thought of when I saw your face because I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. But then I went away and so did you, everything changed between us but nothing changed in my mind. That image of you in white was still there everyday and even now,” he pointed at her, “I look at your face which has this disgusting bruise that I put there and I still see myself unveiling it before all the people I love and God to vow to you forever and eternity. Ask me, ask me who I see walking down that isle and the answer will always be you. Every time I close my eyes and picture a wedding I see you as the bride and me as the groom because that’s how I want it and that’s how I need it. Forever won’t even be enough with you, but it’s my only option.”
“This isn’t fair,” she said wrapping her arms around herself and tugging on her shirt.
“What isn’t fair?”
“You sitting there telling me that you want to marry me,” she couldn’t even allow herself to be touched by him, or at least she shouldn’t. “If only you knew how much I wanted to hear those words from you when you wouldn’t say them. And poof, you’re saying them now so I got what I wanted but in turn it’s not what I wanted because before you opened your mouth to speak them to me you didn’t open your mouth at all and managed to strip me of everything I had built my life around. I had built my life around you so quickly and it’s like you purposely used that against me.”
Shaking his head and hands Nick tried to start over. “Ok, let’s just step back here. I don’t see what more I can do to prove myself so you’re going to have to name it. Whatever you want or need I’m all over it.”
Closing her eyes she rolled over putting her back to him. This wasn’t going well, she thought it would be easier for her some how. Waking up next to him she thought he was what she wanted but here she was faced with the opportunity and she wouldn’t take it.
“Well then can we talk about something else?” he asked nudging her side and she nodded her head turning back to face him. “I didn’t get the chance to tell you this in your dorm that day because you pushed me into the hall but part of why I was there, beyond trying to get you back, was to talk to you about your writing.”
“Yea,” she sighed. “You told me you liked the article.”
“No, it’s not just the article but more of what it represents. You know why I enjoyed reading it so much?” he asked and she shook her said no. “Because you wrote it. I knew you had this dream to be a writer and that it was so important to you but I didn’t really understand it because I had never witnessed it before. I don’t know how this happened but that article was the first piece of your work that I’d ever seen and it’s like my eyes were finally forced open to see what you were talking about. You were right, you’re a talented writer, and I can finally understand what all of this means to you.”
“Yep,” she agreed with him. “It is very important to me which is why I was willing to create a long distance relationship for us over it. Granted I didn’t think I would be losing you entirely for it but you know, I guess you can never really know what’s going to happen.”
“Well it was what inspired me to go see you, your writing that is, because it was the missing piece in the puzzle I guess you could say. Till I read it I never really knew why you were willing to leave me which is why it hurt so much, but I was able to see that you weren’t leaving me because you wanted to do. It just made me understand everything that you did.”
She didn’t know whether or not he meant what he was saying. He could be playing her again, but then again he had never really played her to start. She knew that all of their time together was genuine because he was not the type of guy who held back from what he wanted, or else he would never have made it so far in his career. So the only thing to think was the he got it, that he had managed to realize just what it was she talked about to him so many times.
“Our break up actually worked in my favor,” she stated. “I was able to write a lot from it. I don’t mean that in a negative way…but it really inspired a lot of things that I wrote which was a small miracle in itself. Before you left me I had been suffering an extreme case of writer’s block, probably from all that went on with my dad, but I was able to get past that and really focus on my favorite thing in the world once more.”
“Would you mind showing me some of the stuff you wrote?” he cautiously asked hoping she would agree to his request. He assumed that she was most honest in her writing because he knew that when he sat down to scribble out song lyrics everything he wrote was truth.
Not answering she leapt out of the bed and disappeared out the door for a few minutes. In the living room she opened box after box looking for a certain notebook and when she found it she snatched it in her hands. It was the notebook which held everything she wrote about him. She refused to put anything that didn’t have to do with him in there because the idea was never to look at it again, but she wanted to show someone then and the only person she would ever show was Nick.
Returning to her room she crawled back in bed. “This,” she said, “Is where a lot of the things I wrote about you are,” she laid it down on the bed and he glanced at it but didn’t make a move. Smiling she took up the notebook and flipped through the pages for something worth reading. “Alright, here’s a poem I wrote probably three weeks after you left. Actually, I think this was when I decided to stop calling you which was a pretty big movement for me,” she chuckled a little before clearing her throat and trying to remain serious. He didn’t want her to turn this moment into a joke; she could see that in his eyes. He was more serious now than she had ever thought he could be.
“Well, are you going to read it?” he ushered her and she nodded straightening her posture and holding the notebook out before her.
“It’s called ‘Last Flight,’” she told him and started to read.
I look beyond the picture frames
All those times together
Fallen into the shade
I’ve come so far on my own
But want you by my side
Can you sacrifice for me?
Are you willing to put up a fight?
Promises don’t mean a thing
Unless the words you speak are true
Something hidden in your eyes
Tells me your words are nothing but deceit
I can’t read your mind so speak it
What’s this really mean?
Will there be another time for us to be together?
Or is this the final day?
I don’t care what excuse you’ve got up your sleeve
Make me believe
This isn’t the last flight
I want this thing we’ve got
For the first time life actually makes sense
You rapture me with kisses
But when you shower me with gifts
Everything goes tense
Are you showing me your love
Or just bidding me good-bye?
Sick of second guessing motives
Reading far into everything
I can’t analyze a relationship
I’ve got to lay trust on you
So, my life’s meaning
What’s it going to be?
Those tears trickling down your face
Are they sympathy?
Will there be another time for us to be together
Or is this the final day
I don’t care what excuse you’ve got up your sleeve
Make me believe
This isn’t the last flight
There is no new time for us
This was the final day
I don’t need to hear that excuse up your sleeve
Cause I already more than believe
This is the last flight
All the while she read aloud he stared at her with admiration. She read with such grace even though he could feel how it pained her to speak the words she had written. “That was amazing,” he told her trying to catch his breath and bring his heart back to a healthy beat.
“Yea?” she started turning through the notebook more.
“Oh yes,” he complimented her work but knew that she didn’t want to hear what he thought about it. “I guess this is something pretty unfair too huh?” he asked and she looked at him confused. “This, you reading me your private thoughts from while I was gone…I’m getting to hear how you felt and what you were going through but there’s nothing I’m showing you.”
“That’s ok,” she shrugged her shoulders still looking at the book of poems and prose entries she had written from her heartache. She didn’t want to show how much these words meant to her so played it off like she was only sharing something that was worthless to her when inside the poems she had written were he heart’s deepest secrets.
“How’s it feel though…to be wrong I mean?”
“How am I wrong?” she kept looking through the pages.
“That poem, you said it was the last flight and it wasn’t because I’m right here. So I guess I proved you wrong huh?” he pinched her side and she swatted him away. “Hey! You said in the last line that it was the last flight…yet I’m laying here right next to you so everything you thought was incorrect because it turns out that I did love you all along and was only gone temporarily.”
“Yea yea, whatever,” she rolled her eyes. “Hey, here’s another one,” she pointed to the page. “Want to hear one more before I put this thing into the trash?”
“Why are you going to through it away?”
“Because it’s absolute pathetic nonsense! No one should keep something this sappy lying around for just anyone to read, it’s really embarrassing.”
“Whatever,” he rolled his eyes pulling the covers up around him. “Read me the next poem.”
“Ok,” she cleared her throat again, “I didn’t come up with a title for this one,” she admitted. “I wrote it about how everything that I have in my life now I would have given up in a second for you if you would have just asked me to. I think I even said that in one of my many messages,” he nodded at her signifying that he remembered. “Anyway, this is the poem.”
It's much harder then I realized
To leave the place I loved
To leave it all behind
You're the one I wanted to love
And you told me, I'm the one you always dreamed of
But it's all too little, too late
After I made a choice
Testing fate was a mistake
So I leave, gripping the wheel
Surfacing tears I fought so hard to kill
Maybe I just blew it all
Threw it all away
Maybe it was my last chance
And now I'm stuck with this change
I've been bottomed out
And left to die
I turned to leave with no good-bye
And you told me love
And you held me close
I felt my worth when it was done
I'm leaving, when my hopes have begun
With an open road ahead
I look back, with so much regret
She finished the last line and looked down at him who was lying peacefully with his eyes closed. She suspected that he had fallen asleep but noticed a single tear slip from his lashes and dwindle down to the pillow. “That’s it,” she said trying to get him to say something.
“It’s remarkable,” he whispered, “How we were thousands of miles apart and still thinking the very same thing.” Closing the notebook she tossed it aside unsure what to say or do. He was making it very hard to do anything at that moment, and then she remembered where she was. She was in her apartment, in her bed, with Nick after he woke up hung over from a disastrous night before…but none of that seemed to matter. She had completely forgotten that she was supposed to be taking care of him and calling Kevin the second he woke up, but maybe she really was taking care of him despite what she thought. He still had that power over her, he could still swipe away everything else from her mind but the two of them there in that moment. It used to be the two of them and it still was the just the two of them.
“I’m glad you liked them,” she smiled proudly. “They’re silly really, but I’m still happy that you liked them.”
“It’s you,” he said touching her hand after opening his eyes and looking at her longingly.
“What’s me?” she spat completely baffled.
“This,” he pointed at the notebook, “Your writing. Your writing is you, and you do it so well. You really are a great writer; I can only imagine what other things you’ve written beyond poetry. Now that I’ve seen your work I feel like I’ve really seen you,” he wanted to kiss her just then but held off. The last thing he needed was to startle her into running away. Right then he needed her there beside him, like he always had.
“You really get it don’t you?” she scrunched her face which was turning red with tears. “You’re not just saying that…you really do understand how much this means to me now. You finally get me,” she trailed off and looked down at his hand touching hers.
“Do you think that you can give us another chance?” he looked deeply into her eyes, reading right through her.
Bracing herself she smiled, “I don’t know,” she ran her hands through her hair. “I was so determined that you and I would just end up where we were before because nothing had changed but now that’s not the case. I feel like you understand me now more than you ever did before and that changes everything.”
He inched towards her and cupped her battered face in his hands gently pressing his lips to the bruise that marked the side of her cheek. Kissing her he trailed down her face to her rose colored lips and paused to look in her eyes. “I really need this,” he begged. “I need you Hannah, I'm so lost without you.”
She reached up and touched his hair slightly, running it through her fingers to feel its softness. “I need you too Nick,” she confessed staring right back into his eyes. “But it’s going to take time.”
“I have time,” he assured her. “And I will give you all the time in the world. However long you need, I’m there for you all the way because I’m not turning away from you again.”
“I…” she stuttered as his lips hovered over his. “I love you.” The three words poured from her mouth and a huge weight was lifted from her shoulder because she had done it. She had trusted him enough to know how she really felt; she trusted herself enough to allow the feelings she had.
Speechless he hugged her tightly, refusing to let go until he looked up into her eyes which had only him in them. Bravely he touched his lips to hers as she softened into his kiss. They were together again and nothing else mattered.
***BOTH POEMS IN THIS CHAPTER ARE MY PERSONAL PIECES, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THEM***
Chapter 16
Lost in the Rain Main
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