Chapter 13
Standing in the large arena Hannah could feel the pounding of the music against her chest upon her first step in the door. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have come,’ she bit the side of her cheek remembering how AJ had convinced her to stop by their rehearsal. He told her that it was what she needed but now being there she felt like it was the last thing she needed, to see him and hear his voice as he sang out loud. Forcing her fear down within her she walked into the venue to see them practicing a dance number. For a moment she stood there staring at them all covered in sweat and obviously agitated from a long day at work. Maybe their lives weren’t so glamorous after all. Turning her head to check out the huge room she heard him yelling at the band, “Stop!” he screamed using his hand to make a cutting motion by his neck. “We’re taking a break.” AJ looked out and saw Hannah standing there and nodded in recognition. He proceeded towards her hopping down the steps and came closer and closer. Sensing she had made a mistake Hannah plunged her hands deep into her pockets forgetting that she didn’t have any. ‘Great,’ she sighed, ‘How am I supposed to distract myself now?’
“Hannah,” Nick panted catching up with her and she wondered why it was that she hadn’t turned to leave if she really did want to go. “What are you doing here?” he smiled and she could see how happy he truly was to see her.
Unsure what to say she fumbled over herself, “I…uh…AJ said to come by, if now’s a bad time I can go,” she held her thumb above her shoulder and pointed it towards the sign screaming ‘EXIT.’ “I thought maybe we should…” she looked down at the ground and suddenly lost herself in the appearance of her shoes.
“Here,” he took her hand and led her, “Come with me. We can go into the dressing room.” Nodding her head she obeyed and glared at AJ and the others who were standing on the stage watching their every move. ‘They must think I’m crazy,’ she figured as Nick still found their way down a filthy corridor. “In here,” he said pushing open a door which she assumed led to his dressing room. Where else would it go?
Finally finding the courage to look at him she suddenly felt like a complete fool. “You’re covered in sweat. I shouldn’t have interrupted, you must be exhausted. It’s not important—"
“Hannah, don’t worry about it. The guys were ready for a break anyway. You came at the perfect time.”
“Yes but I shouldn’t just show up like this. I should have turned around first time your security started to give me trouble about being here. Let you at least take a shower. Look at you,” she motioned and picked up a towel and habitually started wiping his face. “You’re a mess. I think I’ll get going—“ she stopped talking when he took hold of both her hands and just gave her that I-know-what-you’re-doing-and-it’s-not-going-to-work look that he had mastered. Scratching her forehead she dropped the towel and licked her lips. “This is just really hard for me,” she admitted and took a seat on the couch.
Nick’s eyebrows floated upward in surprise as he watched her sit and place her head in her hand, stunned that she hadn’t just fled from the room. “I’m glad you came,” he told her and put his hands on hers noticing how it flinched at his touch. “But you don’t have to be nervous around me. I see that you are and you don’t have to be because we can do this together, just like we always did.” Maybe not the best choice of words he thought biting his lips as he saw her slightly scrunch up her face. “So,” he tried to lighten the air a little, “AJ said you’ve got yourself a really fabulous apartment.” Still unsure what to say she wondered just how much more AJ had told them about their conversation. Had he told Nick that she was seeing someone else, sort of? Had he told Nick that most of the conversation revolved around him? Gosh she hoped the only thing he had mentioned was the apartment and that he neglected to give an exact address. “Are you going to just sit there?” he finally asked when she still refused to respond to anything he said.
“What do you want me to say?” she finally spoke. “Look, I’m here aren’t I? What more do you want? I’m just…argh,” she shut up and went back to staring at the carpet. It was then that all hope of a civil conversation went out the window for Nick; he knew this wasn’t the conversation he had dreamt of. He knew it wouldn’t be that easy. Turns out she didn’t wake up that morning with amnesia.
“Well you could start by telling me what you’re doing here. I assume you didn’t come to study the carpet. Yes, I agree it is beautiful but by no means captivating,” he tried to joke with her but she still sat there. She was trying to say something, he knew she was trying and that meant a lot, but he really wished that trying was the only thing she could do.
“I came because of my conversation with AJ and I felt that I owed it to you to at least try and hear you out. But now that I’m here,” she shrugged her shoulders, “I just don’t know.”
“Why don’t you be honest? Thoughts are running through your head right now, why not just speak them?” he pleaded. “I tried to tell you what I was thinking and you threw me out. So tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Is there a rush? Cause I wouldn’t want to hold you up or anything,” she snapped and immediately regretted her harsh tone and help up her hand in apology. “Ok,” she sighed and looked at him, “You want to know what I’m thinking. If you think that will help then I’ll tell you. I’m sitting here thinking to myself that I’m in a situation I never thought I’d be in. It never really crossed my mind that things would ever be awkward between us back when we dated and now everything has turned out to be my biggest nightmare.”
“I know…I know,” he sighed and rubbed his hand through his hair. “But you’ve got to know that I’m not giving up on us Han. I look at you and it’s still that same magic. Don’t you see how that hasn’t died? It’s still here, as strong as ever.” He motioned his hand back and forth between him and her. “Don’t ignore it.”
“You mean don’t ignore it the way you ignored me?” she rolled her eyes and knew that this was it…she didn’t want their conversation to turn into an argument but same as it always was she could never hide her feelings from him for long. No matter how hard she tried she could never put on a front for him, he would see through it anyway. “Gosh Nick, funny how you tell me not to ignore it but you sure as hell did. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t love you because I did. I loved you more than I ever knew possible but look where that got me. Just look! It got me absolutely no where--unless you count broken hearted. If for one second you think you can sit there and tell ME that things won’t ever be bad between us and that you’ll never hurt me just stop before you open your mouth because I know just how well they can go wrong.”
“Then you should also know that things between us when we’re together are like nothing else. I know you know what I’m talking about because I see that you feel it too. So please, stop denying the whole thing and just give into it. I admit to making the biggest mistake in my life but what’s the point if you’re not going to forgive me? If you’re trying to teach me a lesson fine…but how are you going to see that I’ve actually learned from it? You won’t even let me prove to you just how much I know I was wrong!”
“Because why do you deserve even that much? Why should I test you out like that huh? I don’t know…maybe you’re right, maybe a trial period is in order. Would that satisfy you? If I put myself last like you always intended for me to do would that make everything ok? I suppose I would just feel all so much better if I ignored this deep pain inside my chest and let you crawl back into my heart. I suppose it would be better for me to just satisfy your wants.”
“Your wants!” he reminded her, “Don’t lie to me and tell me that you don’t want to get back together. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be here. You must know that I’m sorry. I can’t see how you don’t when everyone else does. Everybody here, the guys…the crew, they see that I’m sorry and paying for what I did everyday so why can’t you? I’m sure you, the one person that loves and knows me through and through can see that I’m sitting here before you with my heart open wide.”
“That day…that day when I went to tell you about my internship I honestly expected for you to be thrilled. On the car ride to your house I was even planning in my head how we would celebrate. I didn’t know if it would be a private dinner at your house, if we’d go out dancing, walk along the beach…I didn’t know but the whole ride to your house I thought about it with this huge smile on my face. I couldn’t even bear the anticipation of seeing your face light up when I told you the news. I remember sitting at the red light in front of your neighborhood and wanting to drive straight thru it I was that excited to tell you. But then I learned that everything I thought I knew was wrong. I thought I knew you so well that I could predict your reaction down to the small wrinkles that always form around your eyes when you smile. Yet you didn’t have any wrinkles. Heck, you didn’t even give a slight smile. You said that things were over, that we had to break up. If you want I can even recite every single word you said verbatim because I remember it just that well. I keep running that conversation in my head to this day. I’ve remembered ever spray of spit, every shade of red your face turned as you yelled at me...” she trailed off and swallowed the building tears in her throat. “I remember just how much truth was behind everything you said. You’ve never lied to me Nick, you never have…and you meant it when you said you wanted to break up. You meant it because if you didn’t that makes you a liar…you’re not a liar.”
He knew how much he had put her through but he didn’t realize how much it would hurt to hear her say it aloud and for that he couldn’t speak. He knew that there was nothing he could say to take away that moment because it was done. And it was that one defining moment that replayed in her head every time she thought about him and probably would every time she sees him.
“Look, Han…you’re right. When I said I didn’t want a long distance relationship I was right. I had had them in the past and every one of them failed, badly…but what I was forgetting was that none of them had been with you. I neglected to realize just how different one would be with you because the way I felt about you was so much more. I love you with every bone of my body and I did then too, and I didn’t understand that that meant things wouldn’t be the same and that things wouldn’t have to end. I didn’t get it,” he let out a cry. “I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get that things wouldn’t fade. I didn’t get that breaking up would never change the way either of us felt about each other because those feelings just don’t go away, no matter what either of us did to stop them. And I am so sorry, I am so sorry for being so stupid,” he shook his head. “And if I have to spend every minute of the rest of my life assuring you that I do love you I will. I will spend every second showing you just how much I agonize about the pain I caused you. Because I love you so much, and watching you go through this is like a thousand knives to my heart. I’m in love you with and I will do anything--”
“Stop!” she stood up and walked towards the door. “Stop saying that you love me!” she shook her head and shielded her wet eyes.
“Why,” he stood up and followed her, “Because it hurts you too much to admit that you love me back?!” he yelled. “Don’t run from it Hannah, it’s not going to make it any better. Go ahead and tell me to stop and shut up but that’s not going to change anything. I’m still going to love you and you’re still going to love me because that’s what we do and there’s not a damn thing that can come in the way of that!”
“This was a mistake,” she wiped her eyes. “I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry. This was a mistake.”
“Stop repeating to yourself that this is a mistake Hannah, it’s not going to change the fact that it’s not no matter how many times you try to convince yourself. You and me being here together is the first right thing that’s happened since we left each other months ago. This is what’s right,” he said walking up to her and breathing on her neck. Trailing his fingers across her skin he paused when he noticed a mark. “What’s this?” he asked pointing out a scar branded into her precious skin.
“A scar!” she told him brushing his hand away.
“How did that get there?” he asked looking at her with terrified eyes.
“I was jumped on my way home one night!” his mouth gasped open, “Some creep slit my neck with his filthy knife. And where were you? Probably off god knows where ignoring the fact that I was alive and shoving your penis into some stupid girl,” she snarled.
“Wh…” he paused realizing he couldn’t ask why she didn’t tell him. “That isn’t true,” he told her leaning back in towards her. “I never slept with anyone after you. Since that night on the beach there’s been no one. And I’m not just trying to feed you some line,” he assured her. “It’s the honest to god truth. No one could replace you so I didn’t even bother to try.”
“Oh yea, and who’s Brittney then?”
“She’s a stripper. I couldn’t show up without a date so I asked a professional. That doesn’t mean that she was going to get anything out of it. I swear to you, there’s been no one since you. Even after we broke up I remained completely faithful. Not even a kiss.” Biting her lip she closed her eyes knowing that he was being honest and that she couldn’t tell him the same thing. Closing her eyes she pushed him away, this time it was her that had done the wrong and she couldn’t do anything but run. “Where are you going?!” he called after her.
“Anywhere away from here!” she yelled hoping that he wouldn’t follow. He started after her but once they reached the arena he directed himself back to the stage as she still sprinted towards the exit. Nothing could stop her, she had to get out of there. She couldn’t go back to him because it hurt too much. She had to reach that exit. Out of no where she was stopped and the band began to play.
“It still feels like our first night together,” she heard Nick whisper into the microphone. “Feels like the first kiss and it’s getting better baby…no one can better this. I’m still holdin on and you’re still the one. The first time our eyes met-it’s the same feeling I get. Only feels much stronger—I wanna love ya longer. You still turn the fire on.”
She turned around to look at him singer to her, “So if you’re feeling lonely…don’t. You’re the only one I’d ever want. I only wanna make it good. So if you I love ya a little more than I should…” he trailed off and looked at her with pleading eyes.
“Please forgive me—I know not what I do. Please forgive me—I can’t stop loving you. Don’t deny me—this pain I’m going through. Please forgive me—if I need ya like I do. Please believe me—every word I say is true. Please forgive me—I can’t stop loving you.” Taking two steps towards the stage she listened to the words coming from his mouth with a forgiving heart.
“Still feels like our best times are together. Feels like the first touch. We’re sill getting closer baby. Can’t get close enough. I’m still holding on—you’re still number one,” he held up his finger. “I remember the smell of your skin. I remember everything. I remember all your moves. I remember you. I remember the nights—you know I still do.”
A tear dropped from his eyes. “So if you’re feeling lonely…don’t. You’re the only one I’d ever want. I only wanna make it good. So if I love ya a little more than I should. Please forgive me—I know not what I do. Please forgive me—I can’t stop loving you. Don’t deny me—this pain I’m going through. Please forgive me—if I need you like I do. Please believe me—every word I say is true. Please forgive me—I can’t stop loving you.”
Lost in the song and her presence she saw that he was then crying and she could feel her heart open up. “One thing I’m sure of—is the way we make love,” he belted into the microphone gripping it tightly. “And the one thing I depend on…is for us to stay strong. With every word and every breath I’m praying…that’s what I’m saying…”
“Please forgive me—I know now what I do. Please forgive me—I can’t stop loving you. Don’t deny me—this pain I’m going through. Please forgive me—if I need you like I do.” Closing his eyes he whispered the final lines. “Never leave me—I don’t know what I’d do. Please forgive me—I can’t stop loving you.”
Finishing the song he gasped at the power behind the words and music. Opening his eyes he looked out at the arena. Opening his eyes he saw that she was gone.
Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams
Chapter 14
Lost in the Rain Main
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