Chapter 11
With about fifteen boxes stacked high Hannah could barely move around the miniscule dorm that she would thankfully be moving out of within the next three days. ‘Ahh, to be free,’ she sighed to herself with a slight grin as she closed up another box and marked it with the word ‘Bedding.’ Her mother had told her to have that box ready and marked with everything she would need for her first night in her new place, that way she wouldn’t have to go searching for hours just to find a tooth brush and set of sheets. Practicality was her mother’s favorite word. Stacking the box on top of three others she paused when there was a sudden knock at her door. ‘Who could that be?’ she wondered knowing that if it was anyone from her floor they would know not to knock, only visitors thought to knock…one definite plus of moving out of the dorm where she’d have much increased privacy. Squeezing between boxes she made her way to the door and opened it to see him before her. He was wearing a simple white t-shirt, the kind that only he could pull off well with ruffled hair and cargo pants. ‘How does he look so good?’ she thought to herself, more importantly, ‘Why does he have to look that good’
“Can I come in?” he finally asked and she noticed that she had just stood there staring at him for nearly two minutes without uttering a word.
Startled she closed her eyes and shook her head back into sense, “Uhh yea sure,” she stepped aside and allowed him to make his way into the room with barely any place to stand. He smelled good and it killed her. ‘What is he doing here’ she asked.
“What’s all this,” he motioned to the boxes. “Are you moving back to Florida?”
“No,” she answered starting to place some clothes into a box on the floor. “I’m moving across town into my own apartment. What’s it matter to you anyway?”
“Oh,” he said nodding his head understandingly. “No reason,” he ran his hands through his hair, “It’s logical to ask with all these boxes.”
“Yea like you’re a real pro when it comes to using logic,” she rolled her eyes and could tell that he was struggling to start a conversation. What she didn’t know was was it because he had nothing to say, didn’t know how to say it, or she just made him nervous. “What are you doing here?” she finally asked to help him out a little. God she hated helping him out.
“I…uh…I,” he stuttered and she looked at him encouragingly, “This,” he said pulling a magazine out of his back pocket, People magazine. “I read the article and I wanted to stop by and thank you for the kind review.”
“Yea, well…I was reviewing the Backstreet Boys not you. Your review would have been the complete opposite. It may surprise you but I do have a touch of professionalism within me and I’m not about to ruin my first break in the big time by letting my hateful feelings for you get in the way. Sorry but you’re just not that important.”
“O K,” he said holding his hands up in the air.
“So now you can go,” she folded a box up and placed it with the others shoving him away when he motioned to help. “You thanked me for the article, did your part, so by all means don’t waste anymore of your time here.”
“I wanted to talk,” he told her looking at her with lost eyes and she winced at the fact that she was actually interesting in what he had to say.
“No you didn’t. You woke up this morning and suddenly realized that you had a conscience and decided to try and do the right thing by coming here. But it’s not the right thing ok? The right thing for you to do would be walking out that door at this moment,” she said holding up her finger and pointing to the exit. “Believe me there’s nothing you could say that I care about or even want to hear…so go!”
“Why do you have to do this?” he asked moving towards her and she instinctively stepped backward, shocked when she realized her action.
“Do what? Ask you to stay out of my life the way you made me stay out of yours? I’m entitled,” she crossed her arms and looked the other way. ‘Why does he have to do this?’ she asked, ‘Why does he have to suddenly come into my life and shake things up when they were just starting to go back to normal.’ Sighing he shook his head in his hands and started to rub his temples. “Oh gee, I am so sorry for being such a headache to you,” she stammered.
“It’s not that,” he rubbed his eyes, “You’re not a headache to me.”
“Yea, more like the plague,” she countered.
“No, why would you say that?”
“Hmmm I don’t know, maybe it’s because of all those messages I left you that you never returned or all the times you came into town and somehow forgot that I lived here and never visited or just dodged me entirely. You know it’s really unfair for you to come to me now and patronize me for doing the same thing you did,” she shook her head, “Actually it’s not even the same because I’m telling you. I’m telling you Nick to go away so would be so kind as to follow my request?”
“Yea, I heard about you having lunch with my mother—"
“Yea and before you start praising yourself and thinking that I’m so goo goo eyed over you and wanted to coerce my way back to you through your family it was her idea not mine. And as a matter of fact I left because I realized just how much I did not want to be there and just how happy I was that you were out of my life. So thank you for doing me that favor of leaving, it helped me oh so much.”
“Do you know why I never called you back? Do you know why I never came to see you?” he asked taking a few more steps towards her.
“No and I really don’t care.”
“Because I knew if I called you or saw you everything would change, that I wouldn’t be able to walk away from you. But the funny thing is, no matter how hard I tried to keep myself from seeing you again I did. I couldn’t run from it, and at that release party as I predicted all those feelings I tried to forget came flooding back.”
“And you want to know what the funny thing is? When I saw you I realized that everything I thought would happen didn’t. I thought that I’d want to be with you all over again but you know what really happened? I realized that I just don’t want to have anything to do with you. So yet again we’re on completely different paths.”
“I don’t know why I did the things I did to you. I see how stupid it was and how wrong I was. You were right, we should have stayed together and now I know that. I never stopped loving you Hannah, I’m still in love with you.”
“And I’m supposed to hug and kiss you and everything will be alright? Yea well Nick…not going to happen. I’m not stupid and I’m not pathetic anymore. I can now proudly say that I’m immune to your sickening charm and meaningless words…the mere sight of you makes me want to vomit. So unless you want me to make a date with the toilet I suggest you just stay away.”
“Seriously, why do you have to regress to how you were when we first met? You don’t have to pretend with me Han, I know who you are.”
“Hate to burst your bubble but I’m not pretending. For the first time in my life I’m being completely honest with myself.”
“I know you are still in love with me, I can see it in your eyes. I saw how you reacted when Brittney treated you the way she did, it hurt you.”
“If you think me explaining our relationship to people hurts me you’re right. I hate facing the embarrassment of it all. But I’m really glad to see that you’ve found someone so worthy of you Nick, that’s really great.”
“I’m not dating her you know.”
“I don’t care if you are or not, I really don’t,” she laughed. “I actually had hoped that you were because she seems like the type of girl you need. You didn’t deserve me, you never did…and I’m just happy that I figured that out before I made anymore a fool out of myself.”
“You’re not a fool.”
“No but I was. I’ve lived for a while, and you want to know what tops my list of the dumbest things I’ve ever done? Dating you! That had to be the must stupid thing I ever allowed myself to get involved in but I can’t say it was at the time because you were wonderful, but now…after the fact…I see that you just played me like a hobby until your career picked up again but I guess you could say I sorta did the same…it just took me a while to figure it out.”
“Are you going to listen to me at all?” he asked. “So far this conversation has been nothing but you talking, I came here to explain some things. Things that I have wanted to say for so long but couldn’t.”
“Oh, did you have your mouth clamped shut? Funny, cause it certainly doesn’t seem that way. Seems to me like you were too cowardly or gee, I don’t know…let’s call it stupid.”
“Figures you’d start to insult my intelligence.”
“Hey, I can’t help that your IQ isn’t exactly off the scale…that you’d rather study comic books and play video games than actually learn something. Pardon me for having an education and using it.”
Biting his tongue he just stood there watching her spew off the things she had wanted to tell him for such a long time. He could only imagine how much she wanted to tell him off and set him straight but he didn’t think she would be so good at it or even mean the words coming from her mouth but he sensed that she was being honest. But did she truthfully hate him or was she truthfully hurt and convinced herself to believe what she was saying? The irony of the conversation as he wanted to confess all the love he had for her as she wanted to cut him out of her life. Maybe she was right, they were on different paths but how would they get on the same one again? Or could they ever?
“Geez Han, you killed me too you know. Gosh, that day I sat there waiting for you to step off that plane. Every face that walked out of that gate I anticipated to be yours but none of them were. You didn’t come and that absolutely tore me apart. It killed me so much to see how I wasn’t important enough.”
“So you didn’t get all my messages. You really thought that I cut you out of my life and didn’t try and try to tell you how much I loved you. All those messages I left vanished? You didn’t get a one of them?”
He looked down at the floor and studied the carpet beneath his feet as his eyes welded up with tears. He didn’t want her to see that he was crying because he didn’t want her to use that against him but he couldn’t hide it, he wanted things to be better no matter how difficult it would be. It was silly to think that things would work out right away but she wasn’t even given him a chance. Did he even deserve that chance?
“I got them,” he admitted as he wiped his nose. “I can’t explain it Han…I wish I could tell you what came over me and make everything make sense but it doesn’t. None of it makes sense. But I know one thing, that I love you with every bone in my body and that everyone I met…every girl, I compared to you.”
“Aww, and that’s how your ended up with Brittney? Gee, thanks. Of course there was a time when you told me I was bitter and cynical, she seems to be just as much of a bitch.”
“This album, Black and Blue means so much to me because every song I sang for you. You were the inspiration behind every word I sang. Don’t you get it? Even when you weren’t there you were still driving me along…you were still the thing that kept me going even though I tried so hard to forget you.”
“Well I’m glad I drove you to be such an ass, and as for the album it’s less then perfect. Really, I’m just not that touched by all these words of truth you supposedly sang for me.”
“How can you sink so low? How can you stand there and say that my work is that terrible? That’s not fair Han.”
“Oh, and next I suppose you’re going to say that I’m the reason behind the album’s title. You were so 'black and blue' from our break up…so torn apart. Well save the crap Nick. Go back to whatever land of teen pop you come from and think of a real apology if you want me to listen because this is just plain bull shit. Don’t make me part of your music career because I don’t want to be any part of it. Actually, don’t make me a part of your life at all!”
The words stung into him and his heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces. The anger behind her voice, the hatred…he didn’t know how he could ever make up to her all the pain he had inflicted. It wasn’t like they had been together for a long time, like she was his high school sweetheart but whatever time they did have was the only thing in his life that mattered to him, and getting it back. He couldn’t make up for all the lost time but he could do everything in his power to get her back.
“Every night I’d cling to our memories,” he confessed. “Every morning I’d wake up expecting to have you there with me but you weren’t there. I’d look over in my bed and find—"
“Someone else,” she cut in.
“And find nothing but empty space. You were that filled space in my life Hannah and when you left everything was gone. I did get your messages, every one of them and I listened to them repeatedly. Over and over I would sit there listening to you cry over the phone, sometimes I was even in the room when you called but I couldn’t pick up. I didn’t want you to know how much I was hurting too. I can’t explain, I told you I can’t. Have you ever come up with an idea and been so determined to complete it even though you knew it was completely stupid and you didn’t even believe it? I didn’t believe myself. I didn’t believe myself when I said I was over you and that I should just let you go but I listened anyway. I listened to myself because it was the only thing I knew to do and now I’m seeing that I made the biggest mistake in my life. I knew that I was wrong but now I see it, I see how much I hurt you and I’m feeling ripped apart. I would do anything, fucking anything to turn back time but I can’t…all I can do is apologize and swear to you that what I did wasn’t what I felt.”
“As much as I appreciate everything that you just said Nick, it was truly touching…much better than the crap about the CD…all it does is confirm what I already thought. You don’t love me. You said yourself that you sat there listening to me agonize over you and you knew that you were hurting me, that tells me that everything you say is a lie and that it always was. You don’t hurt the people you love intentionally, it’s just not possible…but you did it. You hurt me on purpose and that fact tells me all I needed to hear. So stop wasting my time and just admit it to yourself. You’re not here because you want to be but because you think you should be.”
She didn’t notice the way he was looking at her because she wouldn’t allow herself to. He could see a tear forming in her eye and heard it behind her voice but she wouldn’t permit it. She swallowed it down and rubbed her eye and his heart sunk knowing that it was him that taught her to do that. It was him that made her put aside her feelings and force herself to keep her head held high. He was the one that showed her that people can let you down and that crying won’t solve anything because she had cried for him. He had heard her cry time and time again on his machine and he ignored it, he just let her keep crying and it was then…watching her struggle to keep her eyes dry that he knew just how much of a jerk he was and she was right, he didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve anyone.
“Could you just go?” she pleaded still unable to look at him and he reached out to hug her. “Don’t touch me!” she screamed pulling him away. “Don’t try to weasel yourself back into my life Nick because it’s not going to work. I’m not going to let you do to again what you did before. I’m not going to let you make me feel worthless. I can’t afford to so please…just leave. If you love me like you say you do then walk away, don’t drag me down this road.”
“No!” he yelled back leaving a shocked expression on her face. “I am not leaving you again, I’m not going to make the same mistake I made before because I refuse to put you through that again. I’m not going to give up on us because I know that there is something so great to work for. I’m not going to run like I did when things get hard, things are hard now but I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not because I love you and damn it I’m gonna make you see that.”
“You can’t do this Nick because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you think you get to call all the shots! The relationship ends when you want it to the relationship starts up again when you want it to…it’s all according to your wants and your agenda. Well I’m not going to live my life by your agenda so you can just wipe the slate clean. This…you and me, is over! And if you don’t like it tough shit but you made your bed and you’re going to lie in it. You don’t know what you put me through, you think you do but you don’t. You think that I cried all the time for you, but I didn’t. Once I hung up that phone I dried my eyes and faced the music. I stopped thinking of you, I stopped wanting you…I stopped crying for you because I couldn’t do that to myself. I learned what being alone is all about and now I’m alone and I’m used to it. So do me a favor and just get out of my face. I don’t want to do this again and I’m not going to! You got what you wanted, you made me get over you and I’m sorry that you’ve made a mistake. I’m sorry that what you thought you wanted isn’t really what you wanted but I’m not going to go back and change the way I feel because you suddenly realized that everything you did was wrong. I won’t do that to myself, I won’t make myself love and forgive you because that’s what you think you want because tell me…why should I believe that that won’t change? How do I know that THIS is what’s real and that you’re not going to come to me five months down the road saying that you were mistaken?”
“Because I’m promising you!”
“Your promises are about as useful as an umbrella in a desert and I really don’t want to hear them. Get out of my room. Don’t come by anymore. Don’t go trying to find my new apartment because as far as I’m concerned your presence means less than that of a pesty fly.”
Before he could reply she grabbed hold of his shirt and dragged him out the door. “Hannah!” he yelled but he was silenced by it slamming in his face and there he was, alone in the hall with a gathering of observers looking at him like he was the scum of the earth…which he was.
Chapter 12
Lost in the Rain Main
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