I No Longer Want My MTV
Good work to the programming directors at MTV who seem to be obsessed with shit that sucks. I'm not even going to make a joke about that channel's love of never playing videos, that complaint is as old as the moon, but if they're going to replace their music videos with shows they could at least pick a couple that aren't the most loathsome trash ever to trot out of a dying dog's asshole. If you can sit in front of the TV and fondly recall "The Grind" then something is cosmically wrong in the world. Yet there it is; inane scavenger hunt with annoying good-looking spoiled 20 year olds, and fabricated drama that is about as real as the confessionals they give on their hair care products. It's not even Hollywood-style reality TV on MTV, it's some sort of bizarre dreamlike world where twenty year olds repeatedly get oversized checks for competitive bungee jumping in the desert. Then we get to see the inside of Ja Rule?s house and wonder how the world has gone so wrong that a no-talent rapper with a Band-Aid on his face has enough money to build a fusion reactor out of diamonds to power the subwoofer in his swimming pool. I'm sure some steel mill worker is thanking his lucky charms that he gets to get up at 4 AM and go to work to make payment on his 2 bedroom duplex while Sugar Ray explains why he has a pair of slippers made out of human skin.

The intellectual shows "Dude, This Sucks" and "Harassment" hardly seem like the next wave in the evolution of hilarity. As a result, I have come up with a few great new ideas for MTV shows which I hope they adopt as soon as possible and give me all the money. I feel these shows are the true "next generation" and can only spell out financial success for MTV's quality network.

SHOW #1: "Woah, I'm a Hostage, Dude!" (Fridays at 8:00 PM) - Popular music artists such as that one band that made that one song kidnap teenagers from the mall and drive them to an undisclosed location. Using an untraceable cellular phone, the kidnapper phones the parents and leads them on a wild goose chase to find their captive child who is having human shit thrown on them the entire time. At the end of each episode, the parent is given the address of the warehouse where their child is being held, and has ten minutes to get there before the kid is shot in the face with an assault rifle. However, the jokes on them; their kid has been dead since the first phone call! The look on the parent's face is then recorded, printed out, and sent along with their home address to the jail cells of sex offenders throughout America.

SHOW #2: "Let's Give Brian AIDS" (Mondays at 9:30 PM) - Each episode features a crew of wacky pranksters equipped with AIDS-infested needles, searching through malls and homes for people named Brian so they can force them down upon the ground and inject the deadly (and hilarious!) tainted needle into their veins. These zany guys will stop at nothing to give Brians across the globe AIDS in the most humorous and clever ways possible, ranging from "breaking and entering" to "assault with a deadly weapon," both of which have proved to be popular in such shows as "COPS" and "COPS in New York."