The Downfall

Fall 2002 - September 2003

©

Touch the sand
Feel my hand
Will I remember this
tender bliss?

But all of the sudden
your rejection reached my ears
It echoes,
and echoes
and echoes through my ears

Should I just fade into the mist?
This black mist will never lift
Im right, so right, about this

---

I can see youre satisfied
as long as Im not by your side
Your universe excludes my time
Like red to green Ill pass on by
Your stoplight changes
My world’s phases

Thinking of me is your last step
but I guess that step will never come
Im sick of circling around your sun

My tank says empty
and Im exhausted
So with one hand thats steering
the other is waving
but not hello, its goodbye

Your green lights cry
when I pass by
No time to fly
Youre three days shy
Just say goodbye
and dont ask why

---

Need a new day

Why all this anger so?
Why all this anger so?
One minute im happy,
the next I could throw
this all away
this all away

Why do you care?
Why do you care
about just my faults?
Im living in doubt
by what you say
by what you say

Why did you leave?
Why did you leave
when I was so down?
this spiral, so down

Im done with today
I need a new day

---

Wake me up from your dreams, I dont belong there
theyre all my nightmares

Ive got to go
Youve got to know
that the next time you blink, ill be running
far away...far away from you

---

I dont understand me
Is that a problem?
Dont know what my years have made of me

Is living not enough for this world?
Do I need tattoos of my plans 'till im old?
Why?
My skin would never have freedom

The only thing that Ill brand
is an empty space where ill stand

Empty space

Empty space is freedom

---

What if I lose everything
only to realize that everything is nothing?

Would burying my face while expecting the nothing
give me something?

By creating something
I would drop back to the level of nothing

I wish I could go back to nothing
so I can experience something

because losing all hope
gives a freedom to everything

That freedom to everything gives my heart something
to get over the nothing

But my heart loses something, and my soul gets nothing

Downward Spiral

---

I wont be the last
to discover happiness

But its more than just a crash
into its space so vast
And even vaster the space
that crashed in my face

I discovered sadness
way too fast

---

I see your seas
staring into me, it makes me free
In this world
everythings green
and Im fine right here on this lily

I can hear your voice call to me
and everything else is a white noise
If we were frogs
and our problems were flies,
we'd just stick out our tongues
and eat them up

From snowball to lily pad we made this night
I cant help but free fall in your eyes tonight
Im falling for you just right

---

Im falling, Im speeding
Im bawling, and bleeding
Im stalling, Im stinging

Is there no end?

Breaking apart my body is too hard
My tension catches me off guard
These five minutes will end
Ill realize that I have friends

Why am I the one
who cannot see the sun?

Trapped in a teardrop
Why wont these eyes stop?

---

Do this
Dont do that
You never know until you
Do that
and Dont do this

Judgements when you dont know
Say that when you wont show
that youve never been there

Why should you hate me
when you havent seen
what Ive seen,
and you havent been
where Ive been?

We both have a problem:
Mine is that
Yours is judging me for that

Wait, I guess I have one more though....
I really dont care what you think anymore

---

Sweet,
sweet energy
Take a part of me
Again, and again

No,
no sympathy
ever made me free
Then again, wheres a friend?

---

If anyone understands this one
theyd know where im coming from

It is fun to be just one
but soon enough I want the sum
to become a third past four

I look at the clock

The neon letters tell me its time
to make another out-there rhyme
Nothing else except to run
I roll my thumb and click the sun

A third past four
Im at her door
Shes there,
always is
Three pinches, and one for time,
so that my time will not get fine

Shes here to make me think profound,
to make me sink into the ground

When do I realize
that what im doing
will eventually separate body from brain
Its not sane, Im not the same

A third past four
Im on the floor
My lungs are full
and theres no more

---

A maze is what Im lost in
Every path I begin
I soon lose the meaning
I turn to the one thing
that gives the same feeling

My only hope I abuse
Im forever lost to chose
my ending

Mind stuck
Im on the floor
I wait for more
lost and empty

But she
She doesnt accuse me
She lets me be who I want to be
and who I want to be is what she wants from me
because we battle the same intensity
and long the same eternity
to be free

What was so short of time between two meetings,
just one day without her greeting
gave a lifetime of breathing
and a desperate longing
for our next meeting

---

For the first time in my life Im empty
Exhausted
I need a vacation
for the rest my brain misses at night

Needing a freeing
and dreaming state of breathing
I take a rest unlike bleeding
Unlike the sleepless nights of thinking
something I shouldnt be thinking
Unlike the fake feeling
creative thinking
mind
on a sense enhancing
conscience stealing
medicine of addiction
Unlike the eros budding
mind splitting
longing
of someone who can make this all go away…

I wonder what will happen as my empty mind
tells my hand
to put down this pen...

---

Losing my time, friend
Its getting thicker
All of my days blend
my minds just a flicker
Im losing all my friends
Too much of the week blends

Those crystal eyes
tell me my life

Slice up the food
Snow whites the tube
then me into
Small world just flew
right by me

---

If I left right now,
would my first step out the door
not complete its cycle?
Would I fall through the floor
and repeat this downward spiral?

Or would I find my meaning on the otherside?
...maybe discover what this drug hides
and redefine the tears I cry

---

My head is aching
My dream is fading
Am I waking?

Im wading in water too deep
From this dream let me sleep

But who are you?
You stick like glue
to my mind so blue
Youre less in reality
too shy of what I can see

In dreams I see the real you
In dreams my life isnt blue

---

I want to be free
and sail the deep blue sea

And I will think of you
no matter what I do

---

Needs overpower intentions
at least when youre far from redemption.
So far down the spiral that you dont feel the spin.
So much in denial that you forgot what is sin.

Dark
You dont know the meaning of getting out
Light
Did you realize it?
That you need to quit
Your intentions have to overpower your needs.
Change the worn thoughts your brain feeds.

The hardest day
The worst situation
Its always the time
that either makes the spiral disappear
or reveals the neverending hole.

Choose the easy way
and youll feel good that day
Youll forget your mind's voice
Youll live a life thats free of choice
But youll never free your soul from the spiral's noise.

Choose the hard way
Youll hurt that day
But youll remember you picked the choice
that forever ends addiction's voice

---

So I guess today is not the day
that Im supposed to change

Maybe its just me
sliding, sliding
Ive reached top speed

And theres no way
that Ill escape
Its too fast,
this spiral today

Ive lost what I live for
and found what I die for

A New Hope: September 2003 - August 2004

everything written by Jason Beers