My New Bed
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Reader of the Week
Well this is a combined award. I was in Seattle munching on one of Dick's tasty burgers. Not the chicken Tasty just the descriptive term tasty. Anyway I was midbite when I reciefed a call from my mom. She was letting me know that she was heading up my way July 9th. I was glad to hear it since I really like having visitors. She let me know she would be accompanied by Auntie (AKA: Maryellen, her sister). They were going to drive a super single mattress to me and stay for a few days. So I have half of a bed now! Woohoo no more air mattresses. Now I just need to get a frame to get me off the ground and a box spring or something to add support!

I have no idea what we will do while they are here but I bet Multnomah Falls is one thing.

Anyway Becky, Mom and Auntie are my latest Readers of the Week!

You can still contribute to the bed fund by going to the main page and clicking on the 'Get Mike a Bed' button. Maybe one day I will get it up off the ground!

#1 Fan Email
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Reader of the Week
I have recently been getting a flood of emails on my site but I was very surprised and happy to hear from one group specifically and that group is the Milwaukie Seniors. Apparently they have seen my blog and in particular the articles on the Park's dedicational benches and their senior center. They had a few words of encouragement for me:

On 4/26/06, Judith Garland wrote:
To Mr. Crazed Lunatik,

We have recently been made aware of your 'website' through Edna's grandson little Billy. When little Billy mentioned we were featured on a 'website' we were naturally very excited and we raced to the computer to see it. We couldn't figure out how to turn the blasted thing on so we signed up for a 'Computers for Seniors' class. The instructer kept confusing us by saying the computer had a mouse and we tried putting out mouse traps but apparently computers need mice. We are still very confused by this whole computer information virus thingie so we have made the teacher show us the 'website'. What we found has shocked us! We are outraged. It made Harold so upset that he had a heart attack and had to be rushed to the hospital! We are sending his bill to you and we are expecting you to come over and listen to us talk about the 'good ol' days'!

We don't find your material funny. It is not ok to make fun of memorial benches or to show pictures of naked people on our billboard. It is definitely not ok to suggest that we lack libidos! In fact just last week Edna, Martha and I were planning a game of naked twister with Harold and George before your internet shenanigans sent Harold to the hospital! So we are very very very upset with you!

We have decided to dedicate a bench to you to show our displeasure. Since it is what you wanted so badly we are giving it to you before George kills you, he used to be a gangster in the 30's. We have had the bench inscribed with: "Milwaukie Seniors Think Mike is a Big Jerk!" They are harsh words we realize and although we might not normally resort to such verbage your antics have brought it out in us!

Expect a severe caning the next time we see you in our senior center or if we catch you near your bench. We would appreciate it if you don't move too quickly when we attack you. We are old and we can't chase down big jerks like you as easily anymore.

From,
Judith and the Milwaukie Senior Swingers


Ps. Little Billy typed up this email for us and is sending the pictures of your bench. This whole email thing is crazy!

Naturally when I read this I was ecstatic! I love getting fan emails. I feel sorry for little Billy having to type about his grandma's twister parties but I am glad they made that snot nosed punk type up the letter. I sent this email back:

On 4/26/05, Mike Williams wrote:
Dearest Milwaukie Senior Swingers,

I was very happy to recieve your email the other day. I hope all is well with Harold so that the Naked Twister parties can resume. I do enjoy hearing from my fans and I will keep dedicating my highest caliber of writing for you and yours. I do recommend getting little Billy into counseling immediately since no one should have to think about their grandmothers naked. I absolutely love the bench and can not wait to have a seat on it. I guess I will see you at the senior plant swap next month, I have a great tomato plant worthy of some trading!

Just as a side note Judith, please pass on to the rest of your group that you and the rest of the Milwaukie Seniors are this week's Reader of the Week! Congratulations and keep taking those computer training courses in about two years you might be ready for the on button!

Yours truly,
Mike Williams
Crazed Lunatik Designs

And here are the pictures little Billy sent!

The bench kind of gives you a warm fuzzy doesn't it?

Reader of the Week Correction
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Reader of the Week
It has come to the attention of myself that some of the facts previously reported about Maryann may not be correct. Here is the retraction:


'Height: 12’4” '
--- She is actually only 11'1" ---

'2. She recently married Glenn. Glenn is from the planet snog and likes to munch on paper. He is 10’2” and has blue fur on his belly. I have no word on what he does for a living but I believe it has something to do with evil plots and kicking small animals. I will get you a full report when his featured week happens!'
---- The fur on Glenn's belly is actually lavender in color, sorry. ----

'5. She has two dark red eyes and worships the devil!'

--- Her eyes are not dark red they are more candy apple red and she actually associates with lesser demons and worships none of them and doesn't even believe in the devil. ----

'2. She likes collecting snails, toads, spiders and puppies.'

---- She doesn't collect any of those things she actually steals wallabes. ----

'4. Maryann recently won the lottery and is investing all that money in a rocket to take her to the moon, where she plans to set up the first colony and the first fast food restaurant. The fast food joint will have no vegetables and be completely about meat. Instead of fries you can order up a nice side of lizard gizzards! Yeah it is making me hungry too! The value meal promises a special T-Rex Burger, a large side of lizard gizzards, a three piece chicken feet with ranch dressing and a nice butter milkshake! That’s how you spell down home cooking! '

---- This was actually the largest error, she is actually setting up the new restaurant on the rings of Saturn and the T-Rex burger was so last week! The menu is top secret and she has not released any of the information on it. I have heard rumors that she may be serving Soylent Green! Which some of you may know that "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" -----

This recent uncovering of poorly reported facts has pushed back the announcement of this weeks winner. I have to double check all the facts and I will post the winner as soon as possible! Thank you for your understanding and cooperation!

Maryann is the featured Reader of the Week!
Mood:  silly
Topic: Reader of the Week
I have a new feature on my blog. It’s where I stop talking about myself for a second and I start telling you about each other. I have gone through painstaking research to get all these details and I take pride in my investigative skills. Of course mistakes may happen, so if any of this is wrong please let me know and I will print a retraction. Of course, how could it be wrong with my vast informational sources and my limitless supply of monetary assets!

The first person to be featured is Maryann S.

Her Stats:
Height: 12’4”
Weight: 25 lbs
Hair color: Turquoise
Eye color: Red, Duh!


Things you may know about her:
1. She is my step-father and she eats lots and lots of chicken feet.
2. She recently married Glenn. Glenn is from the planet snog and likes to munch on paper. He is 10’2” and has blue fur on his belly. I have no word on what he does for a living but I believe it has something to do with evil plots and kicking small animals. I will get you a full report when his featured week happens!
3. Maryann has been known to have large nation-wide barbecues. She invites people to her ranch in Philadelphia where she has an overabundant and extremely rare supply of Tyrannosaurus Rex meat, which is why it’s a national event, 2 or 3 of those suckers feeds a lot of people! You have never had a burger until you have had a T-Rex Burger.
4. She also is a full time gym teacher at the local oceanography school based in Missouri.
5. She has two dark red eyes and worships the devil!
6. Her last name used to be Moppleflopper before she changed it to Slapalapa!


Things you may not know about her:
1. She is a master of the notfou karate, which is pronounced Not-fo-u.
2. She likes collecting snails, toads, spiders and puppies.
3. She has a collection of plates with half eaten food from celebrities’ kitchens that she hangs proudly on her kitchen wall.
4. Maryann recently won the lottery and is investing all that money in a rocket to take her to the moon, where she plans to set up the first colony and the first fast food restaurant. The fast food joint will have no vegetables and be completely about meat. Instead of fries you can order up a nice side of lizard gizzards! Yeah it is making me hungry too! The value meal promises a special T-Rex Burger, a large side of lizard gizzards, a three piece chicken feet with ranch dressing and a nice butter milkshake! That’s how you spell down home cooking!



That has been the first installment of Reader of the Week. If any of this is wrong please let me know, but as I said before anything actually being wrong is impossible. If you do find an incorrect fact it is probably your fault! You obviously do not know your fellow readers or your self very well, that being said; please congratulate Maryann on being the first featured reader! Wish her luck on her fast food endeavors.