The title comes from a T.S. Eliot quote.
The song Logan sings at the end is “Heaven Knows” by Rick Price. No copyright infringement is intended.
"Are you okay, Max?" Logan asked as he wrapped her in his arms.
"I'm fine," she replied, hating the lie.
"Are you sure?" Logan stroked dark locks off her face. "You haven't been yourself lately. Not since before Jack was born."
"It's just a case of baby blues, as Sam said. You'll see, I'll be myself again in no time."
Logan sighed. Their son, Jack Logan Cale, was going on eight months now, and Max's mood hadn't picked up. While it wasn't unheard of for post-natal depression lasting this long or even longer, they were usually serious cases, and her case never seemed as serious as all that. She was just a little blue. But this was a conversation they'd had before, and it made no sense to rehash it again—especially when it ended in an argument previously.
So this time he tried another tack. "Max, you know you can talk to me if there's something bothering you."
"I know," Max turned in her husband's arms to give him a reassuring kiss. "And if I need to talk, you'll be the first to know."
He somehow doubted that. Max was very good at playing her cards close to the chest. It was no good arguing with her, however; if she said she was fine he would get nothing else out of her. "I love you, Max Guevera Cale," he said instead, kissing her in return.
"I love you too." That wasn't the problem for Max; the problem was that she wasn't sure it was enough anymore.
She waited until Logan had fallen asleep before disentangling herself from his arms. Having a baby hadn't taken away her insomnia, and Logan was well used to her disappearing from their bed after he had fallen asleep. Sometimes she would slip back in before he awoke, but mostly she just pottered around until he got up to make breakfast. Lately, for the past five months or so since Jack had started sleeping through the night, she had taken to going to her old thinking spot on top of the Space Needle and sitting there until dawn. Which is where she went this night, after checking on Jack and Case, her nine-year-old nephew.
Going there night after night wasn't providing her with any answers, though. She loved Logan, that hadn't changed; but more and more Max had the uncomfortable feeling that it wasn't enough, not anymore. It was a feeling that had been growing for a while, since before Jack was born in fact; but as she was pregnant, she had just put it down to hormones. The passing months made her think this wasn't the case.
The major warning sign, or shake up, came two months before, when she and Alec had to go to Canada to save Bugler, the X8 they had saved from White three years before. Logan was reluctant to let Max go, not with a six-month-old baby, but there was little choice. The cover called for a young couple, it had to be Max and/or Alec because they were the ones who'd saved him before, and the undeniable fact was, the X6s who had been looking after Bugler would be more likely to trust Max than Alec. And she couldn't exactly leave the baby behind—she was still breastfeeding. So they went to Canada, posing as a young couple looking for an older brother for their baby boy.
The mission went without a hitch, at first. Max and Alec had saved the boy and had taken him back to Zero and the others, when somehow someone had gotten wind of the fact they were transgenics and tried to take them out. Max and Alec were able to defend themselves and foil the attack, but one had managed to get his hands on Jack, and while Alec had got the baby back, it shook Max up badly.
"Max, we gotta get out of here," Alec hissed as he pulled Bugler into the pick-up, while the transgenics were hastily packing to move to a safer location.
"They got Jack, Alec!" Max looked around frantically, but those whom they hadn't beaten up had fled, and it looked as though they had taken the baby with them.
"I've got the baby, Max. They didn't get him."
For a moment she didn't believe him, but then she saw the bundle in his arms. "Give him to me!" she demanded.
Alec complied without a word, knowing not to come between a mother and her child. But as touching as this reunion was, they risked exposure if they stayed there much longer. "Max, we gotta go," he said gently, placing a hand on her back.
She nodded and allowed him to help her into the pick-up where everyone was waiting. Although everything was all right now, the thought of anyone getting their hands on her baby chilled her to the core. Never again, she vowed. Never again would someone get their hands on my son.
"You okay, Max?" They had arrived at the safe house the X6s had set up, yet Max was still in the truck. "You comin' in?"
"Yeah," Max refused to hand Jack to Alec while she clambered out of the truck, nor would she put him in the carrycot to sleep when they got inside.
Naturally Alec noticed her reluctance to part with her son. "Max, you have to put him down sometime."
"I know."
"Come on; let him sleep in the carrycot. You don't have to leave him, but you can't hold him all night."
Reluctantly she let Alec put Jack to bed, and her arms felt empty without her baby. To fill them she wrapped them around her legs, drawing her knees up to her chest. "I failed," she whispered almost inaudibly.
"What?" Alec looked at her sharply.
"I failed Jack, I couldn't protect him. What if we didnt get him back? What would I tell Logan?"
"Don't go there, Max," Alec moved to sit beside her. "We got Jack; they didn't get their hands on him. Everything's gonna be all right now."
"Now. What about next time, Alec? What happens when I can't protect him the next time someone comes after us?"
"Shh, don't do this to yourself Maxie," the X5 drew her into his arms and rocked her back and forth, uncomfortable to be in the position of comforter. He didn't know what to say, and it surprised him to see Max become unglued like this. All he could do was rock her in his arms and reassure her that everything was okay now.
Neither of them knew what happened next. One minute Alec was rocking her back and forth, the next his lips were on hers and they were kissing like it was the end of the world. The kiss started out gentle, but Max opened her mouth under his and responded with a passion that neither thought possible. The fact that Max was married was the last thing on their minds as the kiss grew in intensity and Alec drew her closer. It was only when his hand trailed down her back that reason returned to Alec.
"We shouldn't be doin' this, Max," he said when he broke the kiss, breathing hard.
Max blinked, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. Guilt washed over her as she realised how close she had been to changing her relationship with Alec forever. To make matters worse, part of her wished that they had continued. Swallowing, her throat suddenly dry, she spoke. "I'm okay now, Alec. You can go."
Alec knew a dismissal when he heard one. Nodding, he stood up and slowly backed away, worried still.
"This never happened," she warned when he reached the door. "Just forget about it. Forget it ever happened."
But it had happened, and Max found that she couldn't forget it, and she suspected that Alec couldn't either, judging from the way he'd been acting the past couple of months. Their friendship had been irreparably altered, things were awkward between them, and she was afraid that Logan would realise that something was off and comment on it. Especially since Alec was noticeably avoiding the older man now.
It was just a kiss, Max tried to reason with herself, but it had been more than that and she knew it. It was the way she had responded to the kiss. If everything was all right with her and Logan, if there was nothing wrong with their relationship, she should not have responded like that to another man. But she did, to Alec no less; which somehow made it worse, as he was the last person she'd figured on ever having an affair with, were she to have one.
Max started. A kiss was one thing; the idea of carrying on an affair with anyone, much less Alec, had never previously occurred to her. She loved Logan and was happy with him... but that was the problem—she wasn't completely happy anymore. Something was missing, and the kiss with Alec just illustrated the point.
She wasn't so lost in her thoughts that she missed his approach. "What're you doin' here, Krit?" she asked without turning around.
"Looking for you," her brother replied, sitting beside her. "I was worried. You haven't been yourself lately."
She sighed. "Not you too. Logan keeps asking me if I'm all right."
"With reason. You've been coming up here every night for a while now."
Max shrugged. "I have a lot on my mind."
"You and Logan? Or you and Alec?"
She willed herself not to react. "What're you talkin' about?"
It was Krit's turn to shrug. "I know somethin's happened between you and Alec."
"I don't know what you're talkin' about."
"Alec told me he kissed you in Canada."
"I'll kill him," she was so irritated at that she forgot to deny it.
"Max, he needed someone to talk to. He feels bad about it."
"He's not the only one," Max closed her eyes. "I don't know what to do, Krit."
"About Alec? Or about Logan?"
"Both... either. I can't believe I kissed Alec like that!"
"Do you still love Logan?"
"Yes!" Max's reply was immediate.
"But it's not the same anymore," Krit guessed. Her reply was a shake of the head. " 'Cos of the kiss?"
"Not really," she answered, surprising him. "Things haven't been the same for a while now. It just took the kiss to make me realise it."
"How do you feel about Alec?"
"I don't know."
"Well you must feel something, or you wouldn't have kissed him like that."
"I almost lost Jack, I was emotional!" But even as she said those words Max was reminded of her first kiss with Logan and the highly emotional circumstances under which it happened. They had tried to dismiss the kiss as only a reaction then, when they were really falling in love. Surely that wasn't happening here.
Krit noticed her hesitation. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
She shook her head. "I keep wondering what would've happened if Alec hadn't stopped the kiss. Then I hate myself because I love Logan."
"But there's something missing there. Something you've found in Alec."
"No, Alec has nothin' to do with it."
"Don't kid yourself Maxie," Krit looked over at her. "There's obviously something between you and Alec, and sooner or later Logan will notice."
Max buried her face in her hands. "What am I gonna do, Krit? What am I gonna tell Logan? I don't want to hurt him. I still love him."
"I know you do, but you'll hurt Logan more if you stay in a relationship where you're not completely happy. You'll hurt Jack and Case too."
Tears spilled over onto her cheeks. "But I'll hurt Logan either way."
"Probably. You can't help that."
"How did everything go so wrong?"
"I don't know," Krit enfolded her in a hug. "Maybe all that waiting you two did changed things."
"Maybe it wasn't meant to be," she returned.
"Or maybe all you two need is some time apart," he suggested in turn. "It could be that simple."
"Maybe. But I suppose I can't put off talking to Logan about it."
"No you can't," Krit drew back and looked up. "Dawn's breaking. We'd better get moving."
It was one thing to make the decision to talk to Logan. It was another thing entirely to actually do it. Logan was cheerful when he got up that morning, making Max's job harder. She couldn't avoid hurting him, no matter how she wished to; but his cheerfulness made it hard to even find an opening. She also didn't want to start anything in front of Case. The boy was so sensitive that a fight between her and Logan could close him off completely.
"Is everything all right, Max?" Logan asked. "You're rather quiet this morning."
Leave it to Logan to notice something was off. She shook her head. "I need to talk to you."
Logan stilled. "About what?"
"Later," she inclined her head slightly toward Case. "I don't want to get into it now."
"Okay," he let the matter rest with a sinking feeling in the bottom of his stomach. But Max was right; they shouldn't get into it in front of the children. "I have to meet an informant in Sector 5. I thought I'd drop Case off at school on the way."
Before Max could respond there came a knock at the door, and she got up to answer it, grateful for the distraction. The person on the other side was an unexpected surprise: Original Cindy. "What are you doin' here, girl?"
"Well, it's been a while since I hung out with my boo, so I thought we could have coffee together before work, just like old times."
A genuine smile broke out on Max's face. "Come on in. I gotta get Jack cleaned up, then I'll be ready."
Logan cleared his throat. "Uh Case, you'd better get your things, we don't want to be late."
"Yes, Uncle Logan," the boy raced into his bedroom to grab his school bag, then raced back out again. He gave "Auntie" Cindy a quick hug and kiss, but slowed when he got to Max. When she bent down to give him a kiss he held her tightly. "Everything's gonna be okay, Auntie Max," he whispered.
"Thank you," she whispered back. Straightening up, she spoke in a normal voice, "Now get going before you're really late."
"Max..." Logan started.
She leaned up, silencing him with a kiss. "I'll ask Syl to pick Case up after school when she picks Serena up. We can talk later."
"All right," he gave her another quick kiss, strangely reluctant to leave. "I love you."
"I know. I love you too."
"What's goin' on here, Max?" Original Cindy demanded when they were alone with the baby.
"Let's go for the coffee. We'll talk then."
"Okay spill," OC ordered when they were settled in a booth of the first floor Terminal City Artworks restaurant and had ordered coffees from Gem.
"What?" Max asked, trying to stave off the inevitable.
"What's goin' on with you and Logan? And don't tell me nothin' 'cos Original Cindy's got eyes."
Max didn't answer the question. Instead she posed a question of her own, one that had been rattling around in her head since Canada. "Do you think it's possible for someone in a loving marriage, a perfectly happy marriage, to be completely turned around by a kiss, just one kiss, from another guy?"
Original Cindy just stared at her best friend like she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What do you mean by 'turned around'? Turned around as in tempted to do the dirty with another man?"
Max looked away. "Maybe. I don't know."
"Sugar, is that's what's goin' on with you and Logan? You tempted by someone else?"
"No! ... I don't know."
"Well, who is this new honey that's got you so turned around? Is it someone I know?"
Almost involuntarily Max's eyes were drawn to the front counter where a handsome X5 was paying for some take-away coffee. Original Cindy followed the direction her eyes took, and smirked. The X5 in question turned to look at them, raising his Styrofoam cup in salute, and Max's head snapped back and her eyes dropped down to the table, desperate to look anywhere but at him.
Cindy's smirk turned into a knowing smile. "Alec. So Pretty Boy moves your furniture after all."
"OC! It's nothin' like that! I still love Logan."
"I know you do, boo. That don't mean you don't feel somethin' for Alec too." Max had no response for that, except to look chagrined, and Original Cindy's expression softened. "Did somethin' happen in Canada, boo?"
"How'd you know?"
"You just told me. And like I said, I got eyes. I could see there was somethin' different with you ever since you got back," she paused. "Did you sleep with him?"
"Hell no! We just... kissed. One kiss." Max glanced back at the counter to see that Alec was still there, seemingly chatting with Gem. But when he felt her eyes on him he turned to look. This time she couldn't look away until he left the restaurant.
"It must've been some kiss, if it's got you tied up in knots like this."
"It was," Max looked down again. "It would've been more if he hadn't stopped it."
"And now you don't know what to do," her best friend concluded.
"Well, I know I need to talk to Logan. I don't know what I'll tell him, but nothin's been the same between us for a while now, since before Jack was born; and I know he can tell."
Original Cindy squeezed Max's arm. "You'll work it out, boo. And you know my door's always open. But Original Cindy's gotta jet or Normal will fire her ass. You gonna be okay?"
Max nodded. "I'll be fine. You get goin'; I gotta get my little man here down for a nap."
But with Jack already asleep against her chest, Max found that she was reluctant to go back to the empty apartment. If Logan was meeting an informant it could be hours before he returned. To just sit in here alone, waiting for him so they could talk, would drive her nuts. So she decided to go for a walk through Terminal City, to see what was happening. She spoke to Dix, Luke and Kade in the media centre, poked her head round the door to say 'hey' to Joshua (but couldn't stick around as he was painting and the fumes would affect Jack), and even had a chat with Mole. She couldn't stay away forever, though, and eventually she turned and headed down the tunnel that connected Terminal City and the Medtronics building where their apartment was.
... And found Alec waiting for her there. "When I saw you come here, I figured you'd head this way sooner or later."
She sighed. "What do you want, Alec?"
"Couldn't help hearin' what you and Original Cindy were talkin' about."
"Didn't anyone tell you it's not nice to eavesdrop?"
"Not when you're talkin' about me."
"Alec..."
"Not so easy to forget about it, is it Max?"
"What's your point, Alec?"
"What're you gonna tell Logan?"
"That's none of your business!"
"It is if it involves me." Alec took a step closer to her. "Are you gonna tell him about our little kiss?"
Max looked away. "Maybe." She was affected by Alec's closeness, affected in a way that a supposedly happily married woman shouldn't be.
Alec could tell, too. He leaned in close, gently cupping her cheek, and without another word captured her lips in a kiss that was equal parts gentle and passionate.
Max moaned as she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, something primitive stirring deep within her. She wanted nothing more than to pull Alec closer, but the presence of her baby made her pause. Her son was a tangible reminder of what could be lost. Logan's son... Logan. Keeping her husband firmly in mind, she pulled back from the kiss, breaking it with difficulty. "No, Alec," she said, trying to still her racing heart.
Alec was similarly affected. "Well, what do you know? I guess Logan Cale's not the one who rocks your world after all."
She closed her eyes, in despair, in pain—she didn't need Alec's mocking, not now. "Go away, Alec," she said without her usual rancour.
"Are you gonna tell him about this kiss?"
"As I said, it's none of your business what I tell my husband."
"Max, I told you before; I'm not one to steal another guy's girl. I will not be the one who breaks up your marriage."
"Don't flatter yourself, Alec," she sneered. "If me and Logan do split up, it won't be 'cos of you. There's a lot more goin' on than you know." Max pushed past him and practically ran down the tunnel—whether to get away from the temptation or just Alec she didn't know.
Logan was waiting for her when she let herself into the apartment, surprising her when he suddenly appeared out of the shadows. "I thought you were meeting an informant."
"He never showed," he walked over to her. "We need to talk."
"I know. Let me put Jack down first." Something about Logan's manner put Max on alert, and she took her time with the baby to collect herself. She had the feeling that Logan was about to drop something on her.
She wasn't wrong. "How long has it been going on?"
"What?"
"I saw you in the tunnel, Max. With Alec."
"Oh," she sank onto the couch, burying her face in her hands. This was not how she wanted to handle this. "Nothing's been going on, Logan," she spoke finally. "It was just a kiss."
"Just a kiss," Logan shook his head. "Some kiss. The first one you two shared?"
"No," she had to admit. "When we were in Canada..." she broke off, unable to say anymore.
It was enough for Logan. "Max, how'd it happen?"
"I don't know, it just happened!" He looked like he didn't believe her, and Max supposed she couldn't blame him. It was easy to place blame on an external party when a relationship ended. And she knew now that's what had happened—despite the love they shared for each other, their relationship had stagnated and died.
And Logan suddenly knew it too. "It's over, isn't it?" he stated rather than asked, his voice cracking.
Tears spilled over onto her cheeks at the bleakness of this tone. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"So am I. I should have seen it coming, though—you and Alec."
"Alec had nothing to do with it. This has been going on for a while now. Alec just made me see that it was more than just the baby blues."
"I don't understand, Max. I love you. I thought you loved me."
"I do! Logan, that hasn't changed. It's just..."
"What?" Logan knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his. "Help me to understand what's happened here, Max."
"How can I when I don't understand myself?" Max went to wipe the tears from her cheeks, but Logan stilled her hand to do it himself. The tender act broke her heart. "It's not you, you haven't done anything wrong," she whispered. "I love you, but it's... it's not enough."
Logan frowned. "What do you mean?"
She cupped his cheek. "I feel like there's something missing. Maybe it was the waiting, the damn virus. We were so happy to finally be able to be together that we didn't notice that something wasn't right. As much as I love you, it's not the same anymore. Surely you've felt that."
Reluctantly he nodded. "I know you haven't been yourself lately, and I have thought that it wasn't just the baby blues, as you call it. I just... I never thought it was this. I never thought it would end like this."
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to ignore it, to carry on like there was nothing wrong."
"Max, you never would have been able to do that, not for long. You're too direct for that—that's one of the things I've always loved about you. If you hadn't said anything, we would've ended up hating each other.
Max let out a quivering sigh. "So that's it then." It occurred to her that this moment, the ending of a marriage, should hurt more. But while she felt some pain, she mainly felt a strange sense of relief.
Logan abruptly stood and backed away, as if her presence burned him. "I guess so."
Now what? "I'll... uh... I'll pack a few things, for me and Jack. When he wakes up, we'll go."
Logan wanted to protest her taking his son, but as she was still breastfeeding, there was little choice. "What about Case?"
"He's old enough to decide who he wants to live with. He'll have to stay here for a while anyway, until I find a place to live."
"Where are you gonna go?"
Max shrugged. "Not sure. I need to stay near here, so maybe with Zane or Sasha. Hell, if worse comes to worst, OC'll put me up."
"I'll go. You can stay here."
"No, Logan. This is your place. I'll be all right." The baby's cry interrupted them. "I'd better see to him." With that, she was gone.
Logan stood alone in the living room, listening to her sooth the baby and pack. A T.S. Eliot quote flashed into his mind: 'This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.' It seemed rather appropriate. It felt like the world was ending.
Lost in thought, he jumped when Max returned to the living room and spoke. "I guess this is it."
"Max..." Logan gathered his thoughts. "What about Alec?"
"I don't know. I never really thought about it. I don't need any more complications right now," she paused. "I still love you. I probably always will. Take care." Placing her back pack on top of the pram, she quickly left, not wanting to see his blue eyes shining with tears. If she saw him cry, if she heard him choke up, she would lose the resolve to leave.
Logan waited until the door shut behind her before totally breaking down. Despite what he told Max, he really didn't understand what had happened, and had not seen it coming. He would have fought tooth and nail if he thought it would do any good. But he learned long ago that you couldn't cage Max. " 'If you really love her, you gotta set her free'," he sang softly, slightly off key, the song suddenly popping into his head. " 'And if she returns in time, I'll know she's mine'."
Maybe Rick Price had it right.
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