thirtieth*puppi
Jenni's coming after you..roh oh oh oh oh...

Well, if I keep on writing a new entry every three weeks, it may be interesting. Even though I've noticed nothing exciting ever happens in the three weeks that pass by, but hey, life goes on. Let's see...I'm over the small infatuation I had on that guy, well for now I am. Phhfffooommm, skateboarding is cool, snowboarding is fun...but rollerblading is number ONE. That was a spontaneous rhyme. Hmm...life can change so much for you in such little time. I have friends I once knew, changing their nicknames to their full names because one might sound childish. Sure. I am Liz, I have always been, I always will be. Maybe not. Maybe in the future I'll be something different. An improved duplica of what my parents tried to accomplish all those years ago. But I doubt that. I probably will be someone else, everybody is always someone else, expect for those "special" people...but I doubt I'll ever be what I was expected too. Meh. What can you do? It's not like I did it on purpose, I guess I just inherited the rebellious part of my parents and thats most of my personality, and then when they try to tame me I get hostile. Grr. Feel my rath. Ha. Malice. I always loved that word. Perhaps I should name my kid that. Malice. Can be girl or boy, no questions asked.

Nail polish. All the colors are fun. But I like black, because black goes with everything. It goes with pink, and blue and green and white and orange and poopy colors. Poopty peupty pants. Hahahahaa. I got sent this link thing over MSN and its this stick figure dancing with his band and I suppose he's german or something rather. It's a jolly good laugh. Har Har.
I have French homework. Lots of it. I have science too. Do I understand science? No I do not. Could I understood it if I tried? Probably not. Do I need help? Yes. Do I have a test? Yes. Am I screwed? Yes. Humm... I guess it doesn't help that my teacher thinks she is all that and a bag of doritos with pickles on the side. So me asking a question that would be so obvious to her would be pride injuring. Phhfooomm. There we go.
It was my sisters birthday yesterday...or did I already mention that? I can't really remember. Oh well, she turned FIVE. She's so big for her age though, she looks seven. Seven Nation Army. The White Stripes. Deftones. Metallica. Marilyn Manson. Saliva. Stellastarr. Silverchair. Jane's Addiction. Nirvana. Blink 182. Jet. The Clash. The Andrews Sister's. Mr. Sandman. The Dope Show. I Miss You.
Where is my pencil case? Where has it gone? Ugh. It gets annoying because I have everything neat and tidy and then something comes and messes it up. I'm sort of happy that nobody really reads this. I suppose there's a logic to my madness, but I'm pretty content that nobody can see and get bored of my corrupt brain.
Secretary butt. I hope I don't get that. Excessive hours sitting, making you arse expand out and flatten. Eewww... that petrifies me. I need to go get out more, not that I'm a lazy couch potatoe because I swim enough, but still. I'm going to throw up and I don't know why. I haven't had sex lately so I know that can't be it. Overshare. Whatever. Life goes on. I should do my homework. I should have fun. A lot of I shoulds but never I will. Meh, maybe I'll be back in less than three weeks.

----------------------
March To-Do List:

*Get back my money
*Get piercings
*Get new shoes
*Get new rollerblades
*Get three pairs of black pants
*Get two pairs of blue
*Get one pair of other color
*Get leather jacket
*Get hat
*Get hairdye
*Get new portable CD player
*Get new rings

---------------------

Hel
So much has happened in this past month or so. Well, maybe not physically but perhaps more psychologically and emotonally. My situation at home became SOOO bad. I was literally going to leave...again. My father who hasn't been around for almost all the sixteen years of my life suddenly reappears and tries to take charge. He says that I cannot think for myself and that HE makes my desicions for me....that's really bothersome. I've been independent for all of my life, I had a lack of friends, a lack of family..the only thing out there for me was my pride & imagination. And me not being able to make my own choices pretty much cancels out BOTH. So this was happening for a few weeks, I began to sleep more, eat less. I wanted just to disappear. But then, oh no, independent me HAS to fall for this guy. I just had too didn't I? This is going to be a very whiny entry, if you couldn't tell already. My sarcasm is reaching new peeks and I'm actually finding it quite amusing.
So anyhoo, back to my story, I'm juggling my work, which I'm now getting a lot of, my "parents", and my sanity. Oh ya, and the boy. The boy wasn't much of a problem, he was just there, so whatever. I couldn't turn around without getting yelled at. It was disgusting. Then it happened. After all my days of cutting instead of crying...I broke. Strong, little me, the one out of my friends who didn't feel any emotion. Me. The Numb One. I finally broke. I had been run down to my last nerve, my last hold of control, my last piece of logical sanity. Once I started crying and screaming, I couldn't stop. Once the parental started seeing that I was actually hurting on the inside she stopped with her mocking, she stopped saying for me to get over myself...and she listened. It was a relief. I could actually talk and not be shunned or punished. And then I was diagnosed. Finally, out of all my years of trying too, I inherited the manic depression that runs in the family. *sigh*
I'm still riding this emotional rollercoaster, and I'm going to be for a long time..I can feel it in my gut. It sucks because I can act so well, I can act so happy but inside I would be slitting my throat and attempting suicide or murder. It's okay though. I'm alive, and it could be worse.

R.I.P. Kurt Cobain

Now, to figure out my sentimental feelings situation. I'm actually getting pretty bored with this four week game of I-like-you-but-I-won't-tell-you..forget that. I'm going to tell him, whether he likes me or not, if he doesn't at least I can move on. I'll be able to move on easier than others..I think I've already started subconciously..but everything will be better in the end. If not? Than I'll twist the world around so it is. I have to go. I'm reading about Hel, I'm drawing Hel, I'm writing about Hel. The Norse Goddess of the Underworld (or in Christianity Hell..ironic huh?) the half dead, half alive. The half depressingly beautiful and half ugly, rotten woman. Sucks. You can't kill what's already half dead...or can you?

paper flowers and purple skies
I am soo bored. I feel as if I need a change, but I don't necessarily know what that change could be. No matter, the new semester has started, and I'm already getting bored of school. Geeezzz, my parents are trying to transfer me schools as well, thats not happening. I tend to hate/like where I am and I refuse to move. I can never stay at a school for more than three years without my parents trying to move me, its disgusting. I should continue writing about the fantasy world I can never be part of, and the inspiration is from the depressed depths of my mind and the dark and lovely music of Evanescence. I'm so morbit, I'm such a weird child. That's alright, my life goes on, I think I shall move to France, or England, or Australia. This country has nothing to offer for me...I suppose I'm too eccentric...sure.

Falling Forever
I haven't updated this in such a long time...so much school and "drama". Although, most of the drama involved in my life is caused by self-inflicted problems and causes me mental stress. I still hate men. More than ever. Why is it that when you ask them if they have any sentimental feelings for a person they answer like you have just asked to date them. Could somebody please explain that to me?? Nothing to be done...pause, pause, wrinkles nose...nothing to be done

^^
One of my lines from the thick script I had to memorize for my drama exam. Luckily, I pulled through with an 80 (though I think I deserved a little more). MY EXAMS ENDED TODAY!!!! me sooo happie!!!

-----------------------------

Ashley: a camel dying, uurrrggghh uuunnnnn....I don't know what sound camels make!!

-----------------------------

I finally changed lockers today. I've been saying that I need to do it for the past month or so, but I figured today was the appropriate time since my locker door was hanging by ONE bolt. Well, I got to clear my locker out anyways, and I had lots of junk from the first semester which I don't need. After exams we go back on Monday to semester two. Yay? I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. I have Science, French, History & Gym. My Gym, French and Science teachers are rumored to be deadly strick and annoyingly mean. Which is perfect for me since I've been feeling a bit rebellious lately.
It's a wonder how different I am from my parents. My mom was shy and never talked to anybody, my dad was studious...basically a NERD, and then theres ME. I want piercings and hair dye and goodness gracious, I CAN'T EVEN GET MY EARS PIERCED!!!! That's so frustrating. It's like knowing you could go and eat something so easily but the fact that your bodily safety is on the line you'd rather not. I can't even pick who I would like to be when I grow up, nor what music I listen too...and I must be religious. All of my Dad's terms...joy...
On a happier note, I suppose my life is going well. Dark and lovely music with the heavenly deep voice of Evanescence is keeping me stable. I've resisted the "kilt pin" for now.
Most people say "Cutters" (as they call them) self-mutilate themselves to take their mind off pain and stress...I really don't have that much pain, and I'm not that stressed. I just do it when I'm feeling unsuitably depressed for no apparent reason. Usually after a lecture. The amazing thing is that nobody can tell or see it with me. I don't just slice my skin here and there...I have a different technique..but I'm not going to get into that. I'm already mentally morbit, gothic and demented as it is, no need to display more of my insanities.
I have so much more to write, but I don't really know how to put it. HA. Hmm....funny how most think this is nonsense, but I find it kind of like meditating. No bother.
Pleehhh...I'm bored and just taking up space. Something I do very well. I need to write again, I have a craving to let my imagination take hold and take me under...but I won't let it. Perhaps I'll go crazy, that would be fun. Freak the living hell out of my parents.

BLAME THE DOLPHINS

Randomism is the best part of my personality I think. I doubt I have much of a personality. My persona at home is grumpy, bitchy, sarcastic and dismissive (sp) and my persona at school is loud, hyper, crazy, and apparently cute...I don't get it. Maybe I shouldn't want to know...

Well toodles..I'm going to go snag something in the kitchen, grump at my Mom for trying to read this, write a short story and draw a couple of ugly pictures. My life is fun!

where are you now?
ugh...back at school, a crapload of projects...and many things upon my back. I HAVE to go back to swimteam, why?? because they keep on calling my house, they keep on calling and calling and CALLING!! I don't want to swim!! I hate it! I don't care if I have talent, why would I put 110% into something I despise with a passion?? It doesn't make sense. Another thing that doesn't make sense, is that there are no more swim teams, they have no use of us, just to make us swim back and forth and shout at us. They only call my house because they know that my parents will FORCE me to go. I hate that.
The first week of school has passed by, and I have all these projects on my back. I am supposed to be doing one right now but I am SOOO burned out that it's not even funny. I think I'll skip that class tomorrow and then I'll hand it in another day, it is totally stupid. The teachers make all their stupid shit due on the same day.
I need to work, at least I can get a mark for my little effort if not any effort at all.

metaphorsis
hahhahaha...i meant metamorphis (sp?)

i'm just a girl
I haven't updated for a total of something days, but its not like much happened in that time anyways. I slept over at Jenn's house for my birthday..we didn't even sleep and when we did it was morning so it didn't really count. We watched Finding Nemo and laughed our asses off. Apparently one of my friends is having "friend" problems...you know what I really don't care. If she claims to be acting like herself then really its not her friends who are secretly playing tricks on her, its herself. But hey, its okay.

-------------

why do we choose the boys who are naughty? I don't fit in, so why do u want me??

I styll love to wash in ur old bathwater, u make me feel like you couldn't love another...

-------------

I'm bored, school is coming, I think I went through a metaphorsis during the break...thats okay, I don't care, I have a project to do on Doctor Zhivago...nearly complete...

all i hear is raindrops
Ahh...today went by pretty fast. I went and saw The Lord of The Rings: the Return of the King today. Silly me indulged myself with Frutopia and had to go tinkle an hour and a half into the three hour long movie. It was pretty good though, I think it had kind of a "patchy" ending, and it was predictable...I know it follows the book but when I watched the other two they still weren't as predictable as the last one. I have one day left of faggism. One day to act young & immature before tomorrow and then suddenly I will have more responsibilities piled onto my age. YAY. I wonder if I'll have a crappy birthday this year. I never have any significant birthdays, the only one that I did have and that was enjoyed was when I turned five and I had it at McDonalds.
I had the weirdest dream...I can't remember it now, I just know that it was REALLY weird. Thats okay, I like to dream. But I don't let myself get caught up in dreams because then I'll have disappointment and emotional stages when nothing happens. The personal life is gone, its just yourself letting you suffer. It's twisted but true if you think about it hard enough. I haven't watched Finding Nemo today, but I don't think I will...I just came back from a [3] hour long movie and I'm getting ready to settle down for X-Men which is coming on in half an hour.
I'm bored so I think I'm going to go scribble down some drawings....not that they'll be any good but it's something to waste time. I have no unusual comments or demented thoughts today. Sorry. I think I shall mark this as Normal Day. If I have more of these I think my life would be rather boring...but then again, I don't think I would get anymore stares from people.

another one of my entry shits
Jenn says I say random shish. Jenn says that I'm a fuckin bitch for getting rope to hang her. I explained. I'm sorry Jenn...please forgive me for being odd. I'm not a psycho path...honestly. I'm a weird person and I have to learn to accept my oddism...This is dedicated to Jenn since she has inspired my titles. I'm doing this to spite Jenn...but I don't quite know what the point of all of it is. It's okay...it's fun to type anyways...you can tell through my minute between update sessions. Perhaps I shall resist until tomorrow. No, it's much to fun. I'm not morbid, and I doubt I have the strength to kill a person with my hands...anybody can kill with weapons. I am a loser. I need help.

things to get:

......................
- shoes
- more pants [preferably black]
- sweater
- cute shirt i saw in store
- more condoms
- a rope so i can hang jenn
- white eyeliner
- tongue-piercing
- tongue-ring
- money so i can do all of the above

........................