ANIMAL HOUSE
THIS IS MY HOSPITAL?...............by Coralynn
on to next part of STORY
WandaSue is escorted, or rather, dragged into the large old builiding. She has on her straight jacket, but unfortunately, her mouth is still operative.
"This is not the hospital I'm supposed to go to!" she protests, "This place is a dump!"
The intake person talks to the guard who has brought WSue. Papers are exchanged and information shared while WandaSue stands there steaming.
"Well, damn, babydoll!" she thinks, "Maybe Carson was right: I overdid it! I mean, look at this place.....it looks like something out of a horror movie!"
The guard leaves as two very strong looking men in white uniforms take WandaSue by the arms and walk her down a hall, into an elevator, then, when they reach the fourth floor, take her down another hall to a room with a locked door. The small glass window on the door is fortified with mesh and there is evidence of housekeeping's futile attempts to remove graffiti from the outside of said door.
WandaSue wrinkles her nose. This is where I'm supposed to live?" she asks the hospital guys, who don't reply, but, after having unlocked the door, take her inside the room.
A rank smell hits WandaSue, plus the cold and humidity. GADS! This is worse than a horror movie!
She then notices another woman in the room, who is sitting on her bed, rocking back and forth. WandaSue thinks back to the time she was incarcerated in Salem during the witch trials, and the woman in the jail who did the same motion, back and forth, back and forth.
"Hmmm," she thinks, "You've come a long way, baby! Now, instead of my cushy apartment in Pleasantville, I get this hideous place. Where did I go wrong?"
The hospital worker points to the bed WandaSue is to use, and holds up the uniform she is to don. She sees what appears to be a jumpsuit, a purple jumpsuit. "Euuuuu," she frowns, "Not my color! Do you guys have one in teal?"
They don't respond, but, just as they reach the door to exit, push a button which brings an iron grate down from the ceiling, cutting the room in half so that the other mental patient is visible but with no way for her to appoach WandaSue.
This is the only good thing so far, WandaSue thinks as she puts on the ridiculous jumpsuit.
"They could have at least given us a mirror so we can see how terrible we look," she addresses the other woman, who stops rocking, but commences to bark.
"Oh wow!" WandaSue exclaims, "Do I have to put up with that? I hate barking dogs! I feel like killing the beasts when they bark, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep!"
This proclamation has no effect on the other woman, who continues to bark, whine, bark, whine, on and on.
WandaSue is just finishing zipping up the ridiculous jumpsuit when a man in a white lab coat or something similar, enters the room and heads for her half.
"Can you make that barking stop?" WandaSue asks him.
He sits on the straight chair, the only chair in her side of the room, and takes papers out of a file he's brought with him. He looks closely at WandaSue then asks, "Are you allergic to any medications?"
"YEAH, buster, I'm allergic to barking dogs, and that woman over there is barking. What are ya gonna do about it?"
He shuffles several papers around, respositions them in the file and answers, "We put you in this room because we always keep our animals in the same room. In the next room we have a gazelle and a mountain lion. Obviously we have to keep the grate down because if we didn't the mountain lion would have the gazelle for lunch."
"You actually buy into this crap?"
"It is not for me to say whether a person's delusions are real or not," he says thoughtfully, "but we can take no chances. Oh, let me introduce myself. I am Doctor Kidder, a psychiatrist on the staff of this hospital. It is my responsibility to help you get well."
"So if I get 'well,' as you put it, does that mean I get to go home?" WandaSue glances around the room which she's decided looks like something from a Charles Dickins novel, writtten on a day when he was in an especially foul mood.
Dr. Kidder answers, "That depends. If we decide you were totally insane when you committed your crime, you may then go to a half-way house till you are deemed fit to join society. If we consider that you were less than insane enough to be responsible for your crime, you are remanded back to the penal system to stand trial."
"#%$(&%@#!" Wandasue explodes.
"Now, now, my dear, wouldn't you rather be in touch with reality?"
"In a word: NO!"
"It will be much more difficult for me to help you attain sanity if you have that attitude. Now, how long have you considered youself a cat?"
"The last five years," she says, winging it.
"And what were you before that?"
This line of questioning is getting on her nerves, so she blurts out, "An elephant. You should have seen those old biddies at the supermarket scream and scatter when I walked in the store!"
He writes this down.
"Are you daft?!" she yells at him, not believing that anyone could take her line of bull seriously.
He smiles for the first time, "My dear, I am not the mental patient here. You are."
Dr. Kidder then stands and walks toward the exit, which he opens with a key. As the door closes behind him, WandaSue sticks out her tongue and waggles her hands in her ears.
The other woman begins to laugh. Startled, WandaSue loook at her and asks, "You think this is funny?!"
"Oh yeah, it's hysterical!" the other woman says back.
WandaSue notices that the other woman is now standing, not rocking, not barking, just standing there near her side of the grate.
"What's the story with you?" she asks.
"Actually, very similar to yours. I couldn't help but overhear that silly doctor questioning you. Look, our cases are almost identical. We just might be able to help each other."
"Well that's a relief! Now I won't be kept awake nights by a barking dog! Will I?"
"Not unless one of the hospital orderlies or Dr. Kidder come in. My story is that I had to use an insanity plea after I killed my husband."
"Wow, that's big!" WandaSue is impressed, "Why'd ya kill him?"
"He beat me up, he drank, he ran around, he went to whore houses, he gambled away the money he made plus mine. We were about to lose our house because there was no money to make the mortgage payments, so I figured I was better off without him. And I was. And I am, but now I'm stuck in this house of horrors pretending I think I'm a dog, and the clowns who run the place actually take it seriously. What crime did you commit?"
"I kidnapped a whole bunch of talk show hosts!" WandaSue says proudly.
"That was you?! I read about that. They said you took them to the Arabian desert! HA! Now who's insane?"
WandaSue extends her right hand through the bars and shakes hands with the other woman, "WandaSue Skaggs here!" she says.
The other woman eagerly shakes hands and replies, "Sophia Robertson here! Glad to make your acquiantance, Wanda! Welcome to the animal house!"
They both laugh uproariously.
GROUP WHAT?!..................by Coralynn
WandaSue and Sophia stop chatting when they hear a voice come over the P.A. system:
Group "F" will now assemble in the treatment room for group."
"Group?!" WandaSue asks, "What group? group grope? group hug? What?!"
Sophia sighs, "The 'animals,' as we're called have group therapy once a day. They call us group "F" for no reason that I can come up with except it was created after A,B,C, D & E."
"Uh-huh!" WandaSue reacts, "So does this group therapy nonsense help anyone?"
"Not really. But it's kinda fun to see those other 8 people acting like whatever animal they're pretending they think they are."
"All the animals are faking it?"
"Oh sure. But the people who run this place try to include all mental conditions, and if enough people show up pretending they think they're animals, hey, they get a group."
"And these clowns don't realize these people are just pretending?"
"Look, when you work in a mental institution you get to the point where the more bizarre the better. The line blurs between real insanity and bogus insanity. We are in the latter category, but......"
"They think we're serious, right?" Wandasue finishes the thought.
"Right!"
An orderly steps into the room and gestures for them to follow him to the treatment room. The two women follow him, WandaSue looking to Sophia for how to behave.
Sophia begins to bark so WandaSue emits a good loud "Yeooowl" as they approach the room. They're the last to arrive. WandaSue looks around at the other women who are now sitting on chairs making a varitety of animal noises. One has the sound of a wolf baying at the Moon down pat. WandaSue locks eyes with that woman and winks. The woman winks back. WandaSue has a hard time controlling her laughter. This is a zoo, she thinks, in every way imaginable!
The facilitator is a tall woman with brown hair pulled back so tightly she has an instant facelift. "For our newcomer," looking at WandaSue, "let me introduce myself. I'm Mabel Kramer, PHD, the leader of the animals group therapy. There is nothing you cannot tell us here in group. It's confidential and any information remains within these four walls. Do you have any questions?"
WandaSue shrugs and replies, "Not at this time......yeeeeeowl!"
Mabel Kramer, PHD, says, "Good."
WandaSue thinks, "Yeah, lady, good is right. I want to ask you how you got suckered into a job like this, but, hey, I'm a 'mental patient,' and incapable of thinking rationally, so I'm gonna keep my yap shut."
She notices that some of the others seem dazed and whispers to Sophia, "Why do some of these people look out of it?"
"Medication," Sophia whispers back.
"What? You had a question?" Mabel hears the whispering, "Now, you must ask me any questions you have, uhhh," she looks at the list of names, "WandaSue. The other patients can't answer them."
Yeah, right, WandaSue thinks, you deluded ninny.
"We will, as usual, go around the circle telling the group of any major breakthroughs since yesterday. Theresa, you may start."
The person named Theresa opens her mouth and an alarmingly accurate lion's roar belches forth.
"Very good. Now, can you tell us in words?"
Theresa is obviously on meds, as she looks at Mabel with that glazed, dazed expression and commences to lick her own arm as she figures a lion would, being in the cat family and all.
"Well. Next!" Mabel actually smiles at the next patient, "Wendy! Any progress?"
"I saw a mouse in my room and smashed it to bits!" Wendy announces proudly, "because elephants hate rodents. I'm getting good at killing the little suckers!"
"My, my, that is progress, congratulations!" Mabel Kramer, PHD, says enthusiastically.
By now WandaSue is shaking her head in disbelief.
"There are no men in this group!" she blurts out before she realizes she's spoken.
"The male animals have their own group," Mabel replies, "as they tend to be more aggressive, we isolate from them."
"Sophia?" Mabel Kramer, PHD, nods to WSue's new friend, "How have you been, any breakthroughs?"
Sophia barks three times, then says, "I have a new roomie, [bark, bark] who is a cat. I chase cats, but this one is OK."
"Wonderful! Now that's progress! I'm pleased!" Mabel turns all her charm, which is extremely limited, on Sophia. "Now, WandaSue, I know you've only been with us for a few hours, but we've had patients who have made great strides in that amount of time. Anything you wish to share?"
Oh yeah, sister, I wish to blow this whole charade out of the water, but........
WandaSue meows pitifully a few times, then says, "I think I'm well now. Time to go home."
Mabel smiles at her indulgently, "Let us not be premature. Your therapist, Dr. Kidder, is responsible for pronouncing you well. OK, then, Ruth, how has your day been?"
Ruth does an incredible imitation of a monkey, replete with chatter and scratching under her arms, but speaks no words.
"OK!" Mabel says, and WandaSue has the impression that Ruth does this little routine of hers every day they meet in this ridiculous group therapy. She wishes she had access to more of these people, to find out why they're in this hellhole.
Mabel then turns her attention to a woman who sits there comatose. "Janet, it looks like you're still on your medication. Can you tell us how much better you feel now that you are getting psychotropic drugs?"
Janet just gives her a glassy stare. WandaSue wonders why she's been so heavily medicated and looks at Mabel Kramer PHD with a puzzled expression.
Mabel notices this and explains, "Janet is our mountain lion. Without medication she could possibly maim or kill some of you."
The last few people in the group contribute nothing but a few very good animal noises, after which Mabel Kramer PHD says cheerily, "That's it for today, ladies. Your orderlies will be here in a minute to escort you back to your rooms. I'll see you all tomorrow!"
THE FIRST MORNING.................by Coralynn
The next morning WandaSue awakens early, as the lights in the rooms come on automatically at 5am. She holds her forearm over her eyes and yells, "Hey! Unfair!" to her room-mate, Sophia.
"That's what they do, you'll get used to it," Sophia comments dispassionately.
"I'm going to lodge a protest!" WandaSue declares as she throws back her scratchy black wool blanket and stands. "Where are the protest forms kept anyway?"
"You must be kidding. Who's going to pay any attention to a protest written by someone who thinks she's a cat?"
"Cats have rights too!" WandaSue insists, now pacing the room. The grate has been lifted as Sophia has promised that she won't try to bite WandaSue. This gives WSue more room to pace.
Sophia pulls on her day uniform; the same purple jumpsuit they all wear. WSue picks up her outfit and spats at it. "These get-ups are dehuminizing!" she declares.
"OK, then, since we're both pretending to be animals, I suppose you want to get over it, get 'well' as they call it, and be turned over to the police? That would get you out of here and away from these hideous jumpsuits."
"So animals aren't human, I get it. Look, Sophia, we've gotta get out of this place. It's a Catch-22, a no-win situation, a downer, a bummer...."
"I get the idea, but this hospital is maximum security, so drive that idea from your mind."
"There must be a way, there must!" WSue can't leave it alone, "I'll come up with a way, a plan, it'll just take me awhile, like the rest of the day maybe."
"Right now we're expected in the dining area," Sophia yawns, "they come for us at 5:30. Don't be shocked by what they feed you."
"Why would I be shocked?"
Sophia chuckles, "I get Alpo if I've been good, I get kibbles if I haven't."
"Oh no! I have to eat catfood?"
"The Meow Mix isn't too unpalatable, my friend. Just stay away from that canned catfood, the canned dogfood is OK if I eat fast, but that cat food has unspeakable things in it."
WandaSue is shocked. "I have to eat catfood? You're putting me on aren't you?"
"I only wish!" Sophia signs as she finishes putting on her servicable shoes, the ones with the doggie tassles on them.
FIRST AFTERNOON
"I can't stand it!" WandaSue explodes. "Gotta get out of here! Breakfast was bad enough, but lunch! More Meow Mix! I had to drink 5 glasses of water just to get it down!"
"I know, I know, I'm getting pretty tired of Alpo, too, but what can we do?" Sophia sympathizes.
Just as WandaSue is about to reel off the various methods she's thought of to get them out of there, someone new walks into the room, escorted by an orderly. He's carrying a briefcase and wearing a suit.
WSue looks at this new person supiciously and asks, "What do you want?"
"Is your name WandaSue Veronica Skaggs Montgomery?" the man asks.
"Yeah, what of it?"
"This is for you," he holds out some kind of document, which WSue snatches up eagerly, thinking it may be papers releasing her from this nuthouse. Shortly after she begins scanning them, however, she realizes they're divorce papers. She yells at the retreating man, "Come back here, you scum!" but it's too late; the door has closed behind him.
"What's the matter?" Sophia asks, walking over to take a look at the papers herself. When she sees the first part, she realizes why WSue is so upset.
"The jerk is divorcing you in your goddamned hour of need?" she paraphrases from the movie "Chicago," which she saw the day before she was committed to the mental hospital.
"Yeah!" WSue almost yells, then starts tearing the document into little bitty pieces and throwing them in the toilet.
"Should you be throwing that paper in the toilet?" Sophia has genuine concern.
"That's where they belong, sister!" WSue replies as she continues to rip and toss, rip and toss.
When the entire document as been ripped and thrown into the toilet, WSue pushes the flushing mechanism which pulls down the contents of the bowl. But soon stops and reguritates the water and the pages back up so that watery paper pieces are now flowing all over the room.
"Make it stop!" both women panic.
Feeling for all the world like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia, WandaSue knows that words are not going to fix this, so she goes to the door and pounds on it, hoping a passing orderly will come to their aid.
"HELP!" she yells over and over again.
Soon the toilet is not only relieving itself of the water in the tank, but seems to be drawing from some other supply, as the floor is drenched in an inch of water, then two inches....
WSue and Sophia clambor up onto their beds as the water rises ever higher.
As the water becomes high enough to start soaking into the edges of the ugly scratchy black wool blanets on the beds, an orderly enters the room on a routine chore. He sees the situation and yells into the walkie-talkie, "Emergency in room 406! Emergency in room 406!"
In no time several maintenance workers arrive and size up the situation. They run for mops and pails and a plunger.
By now WandaSue and Sophia have moved back on their beds away from the water which is making inroads on their ugly scratchy black wool blankets, and have their backs pressed against the walls.
A janitor arrives with the largest plunger either woman has ever set eyes on. He plunges furiously again and again. No good. He then tells one of the others to go turn off the main water supply to the building. The other man hurries away.
Soon the water has ceased gurgling out of the toilet, but there is still a foot of water all over the floor. The maintenance workers mop and wring, mop and wring for what seems an eternity, but eventually the water has been removed.
No sooner have they left than an angry nurse enters the room and looks daggers at both women. "What are you two trying to pull?"
"Not a thing, warden, I mean, Miss Ratched, I mean...." WandaSue is not enjoying this confrontation.
"You realize we had to turn off all the water to this entire institution?" the nurse is on a roll. "You realize we now have to take apart the plumbing to get whatever you threw in the toilet OUT?"
WandaSue and Sophia nod, but say nothing.
"You can't stay in this room, look at it! Even your blankets are wet! No, we're putting both of you in solitary!"
"Together?" WandaSue hopes aloud.
"Solitary, that means alone!" the nurse yells as she goes out of the room to round up several of those strong orderlies to help with her task.
WandaSue whispers to Sophia, "This is the break I've been waiting for! When they take us out of the room, I'll fall down like I've passed out. They'll call for a medical doctor, and we'll make a dash for it!"
Sophia looks skeptical but replies, "It's worth a try!"
When the angry nurse returns, she has but one other person with her, another nurse. WandaSue snarls, "What's the problem, chickie, you couldn't get an orderly or two?"
"They were all busy...." the nurse begins, then stops. Why am I explaining myself to her? she thinks as she and the other nurse each take one of the women by the arm and walk them out into the hall.
As soon as they've gone six feet down the hall, WandaSue falls down and begins to writhe. The nurses look at each other with puzzled expressions.
"She has fits," Sophia tells them, "cats do, ya know!"
The nurses try to lift WandaSue, but she's dead weight, and quite a considerabe weight to boot.
WandaSue opens one eye and connects with Sophia's gaze, then, rising swiftly, she takes Sophia's hand and the two women bolt down the passageway toward a door, the nurses in hot pursuit.
Locked.
They go into a stairwell and pound down two flights, burst through the door into the hall of the second floor, then start opening doors, any doors. Most are locked, but just as the two nurses also emerge on the second floor, find one and rush in. Closing the door, WandaSue and Sophia look to see where they are.
"Oooooops, this is a men's floor!" WandaSue exclaims as she sees an old man lying on one of the beds. He sees the women, sits up, salutes them and says in a crackling voice, "So you've finally returned, have you, Guenivere? Lancelot threw you over did he?"
"Ohhhh yeah, he ran out on me!" WandaSue answers as she and Sophia look around the room for a place to hide. The beds are too low to crawl under and the closets are only six inches deep, yet they keep searching.
The old man stands and approaches Sophia, "I see you've brought a lady in waiting with you. Excellent! We're late for our coronation, Guinevere, we must hurry!" he takes her hand and starts for the door.
She yanks her hand away and tells him, "But we had our coronation already Arthur!"
"We must have another now that you have returned to me!" he insists. At that moment they hear loud noises in the hallway and duck behind the door just as it is flung open and the two angry nurses enter.
"Do you have extra people in here?" they quickly ask the old man.
He gives them an enigmatic smile and answers, "I suppose you're looking for Guinevere....you want to stone her for adultery? I won't stand for it!"
The nurses shake their heads, give the room a cursory once over and leave. As they shut the door and loud noises indicate that they are now searching the next room, WandaSue and Sophia emerge from behind the door.
"Let us drink a toast!" the old man takes two plastic glasses and fills them with mouthwash, handing one to Sophia. She pours it down the sink.
"My dearest, you must'nt betray me again, as the next time I shant be able to prevent the guards from burning you at the stake."
"Oh shut your yap!" WandaSue yells at him, then whispers to Sophia, "We've gotta think of a way out of here. How will we know when those two nurses have gone to another floor? If we peek out into the hall, they may see us."
The old man then sits pitifully on his bed, tears dripping down his face, "Ah Guinevere! You are my Queen and yet you treat me thusly."
"Yeah, yeah!" Sophia responds, then says to WSue, "If we wait another 15 minutes they oughta be done by then. But can we put up with King Arthur that long?"
WandaSue glares at the old man, "Look Arthur old buddy, you have to keep quiet so that the guards don't know where Guinevere is. She's in a lot of danger, ya know!"
His eyes register fear and he whispers "Ohhhhh yes, shhhhhhhhh."
About 15 minutes later Sophia opens the door to the old man's room and quickly pokes her head out and sees nothing, nobody, all quiet.
"Wonder how we get down to the ground floor, WandaSue, you think we oughta take the stairs again?"
"The elevator's no good, so yeah, let's go!"
They quickly go down the hall and enter the stairwell. Two more flights down and they're in the basement area where several trucks are unloading provisions for the institution. They also see a plumber's truck parked nearby.
"Let's see if we can get into one of those trucks," WandaSue suggests as they see nobody near the bakery truck. They stealthfully open the truck doors and slide into the driver's seat and passenger seat. The keys are in the ignition.
"Here goes nothing!" WandaSue says excitedly as she turns the key and the engine comes to life. "Foward!" she commands the vehicle, and sees that if she wants this to happen, she has to shift manually. Cursing under her breath, she grinds the gears and finally get it into 1st. As she gets the truck out onto the street several men see it and yell loudly.
"How the #$#*&#$ do I get into a faster gear?" WandaSue growls as she again grinds the gears until she gets the truck to go faster. The men have almost reached the truck just as she presses on the accelerator and it leaps ahead at a speed that surprises even the two women.
They're slammed up against the back of the seat, then thrown left as WSue makes a rapid right turn.
"Where are we going?" Sophia yells over the sound of the engine.
"Away from this place!" WandaSue yells back, which is no real answer at all.
"We've gotta ditch this truck fast," WandaSue tells Sophia, "They'll call the Cops and they'll be on our tail in no time. Gotta get something that doesn't say "Ned's Bakery" on the side."
She drives out into the country and turns onto a dirt road. Getting out of the truck, the women start running. "What are we going to do now?" Sophia asks as she runs alongside WSue.
"Just wish I knew where we were!" WSue replies, "We could be just outside the town I live in or the town the Rich Snobs live in. Hard to tell!"
"The rich snobs?" Sophia asks.
"Oh yeah, the trouble-makers, the people who treat me like dirt, the people who got me into this pickle in the first place!"
"How did they do that?"
Since WSue has no reasonable answer she just looks at Sophia as they jog along and says, "Believe me, they're trouble!"
They reach another paved road and peer down to see if any cars are coming.
A green BMW comes toward them, sees them and drives past.
"Are we hitching?" Sophia wants to know.
"If something good comes along, yeah!"
It isn't hard to see the bright red Toyota SUV approach. It goes past, then stops, backs up, and when it is again beside the two women, WSue looks to see who the driver is.
"Oh no! my brother!" she laments.
Slim rolls down the windows and yells out, "What are you doing out here, WandaSue? Get in!"
The women enter the vehicle and close the doors. Slim looks at WandaSue, who is sitting in the passenger seat and reiterates, "What are you doing out here? Aren't you wanted by the Police or something?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" she protests.
"Look, I read the papers. I know what you did with those talk show hosts. I know you were arrested, too. How did you escape?"
Hmmm, WSue thinks, he doesn't know about the mental institution. "We were released, Sophia and me, pronounced innocent of the crimes for which we were so unfairly imprisoned, isn't that right, Sophia?"
"Oh yeah, yeah." Sophia plays along.
"That's bull!" Slim says, "What's with the purple get-ups anyway? The police department has gone fashion conscious?" he laughs.
WandaSue looks at her purple jumpsuit and Sophia's matching one and smiles at Slim, "Yes."
"I'd bet any amount of money that you two are on the run, and I don't want any part of aiding and abetting you, so when we get to town, you two scram."
The women say nothing as they barrel toward town, and when they reach the main street, Slim pulls over and announces, "Get out."
They do. As Slim's SUV pulls away, WSue asks Sophia, "Do you live in this town?"
"No. I was thinking you might."
"I live in Pleasantville, and we have no way to get there. But I know someone here who might help us." She thinks of Sally Jennings and realizes that, although the other woman lives within easy walking distance, getting her to 'help out' will be all but impossible.
Nonetheless, they walk toward the street where Sally lives, ducking behind hedges when they see anything remotely resembling a police car come down the street.
When they finally reach Sally Jennings' house, WandaSue motions for Sophia to follow her as she stealthfully creeps around the house looking in windows.
"If this person is a friend of yours, why are we creeping around out here?" Sophia asks impatiently.
"Because.........because......if there is anyone in the house with her, they may ask questions!" WandaSue thinks fast.
They see no one in the house, not Sally, not anyone. WSue goes to the back door and jimmies the lock.
"You're going to break in?!" Sophia asks nervously.
"Sure! Do it all the time! Sally said it was the next best thing to giving me a key."
WSue continues to work on the back door, which eventually yields. They enter the kitchen and, to make sure Sally isn't home, WandaSue yells out, "Sally?"
No answer.
This is my lucky day, she thinks, Sally is out, and unless she has her magic coin with her, it's here in the house.......somewhere.
"Follow me," she tells Sophia as they go room to room, WSue looking in drawers, under furniture, then, finding nothing downstairs, walks up to the second floor. She goes into the room she remembers as Sally's and rifles through it as well.
"You're sure this woman is a friend of yours?!" Sophia asks skeptically.
"Oh yeah, best buds!" WSue replies as she takes Sally's jewely box, which is locked, and smashes it against the dresser, breaking the lock and causing some of the little drawers to slide open, jewelry spilling out onto the floor.
WSue dumps out the entire contents and runs her hands through the various items, searching.
"I don't do stuff like this to my friends," Sophia protests, "Are you sure this is OK?"
"Absolutely!" WSue brightens as she spies the coin and snatches it up. "Now, let's get out of these duds into something more pedestrian!" she flings open Sally's closet door and pulls out one outfit after another, flinging them onto the bed on top of the mass of jewelry.
"This oughta fit you!" she holds up jeans and a sweater, then thrusts it toward Sophia, who takes the items and puts them on after discarding her jumpsuit.
"I don't steal my friends' clothes! Are you sure this is a friend of yours and she won't mind?"
WSue stops midway as she's jamming herself into a pair of too tight jeans and snaps, "Look, Sophia, just put on the duds and stop being so painful about it. Yes! This is fine, Sally won't mind, in fact she'll be very happy about it." she tugs the jeans over her outsized hips and tries to snap the jeans together around the waist. There's a four inch gap she can't close, so she grabs a huge sweater and drops that over her head, which covers all the way down to mid-thigh.
Jamming the coin into one of the pockets of the jeans, she bundles up the two purple jumpsuits and looks around for a place to hide them.
"Downstairs!" she says as she goes back to the first floor, Sophia following. She goes to the garbage container and rams in the jumpsuits, then starts for the back door, again, Sophia following.
As they close the door behind them they hear voices inside. Whew, made it out just in time, WSue thinks. "Your friend and sombody else just got home, WandaSue! Now we can go back in and you can thank her properly!" Sophia says enthusiastically.
"Nawwww, she hates gratitude!" WSue says as she crouches low and creeps around the back of the yard into the yard of the house behind.
"Why are we still skulking around?" Sophia asks, this time with an edge to her voice.
"You ask too many questions, Sophie! Now, just do as I say! Take my hand and we'll be out of here, waaaaay out of here!"
Sophia doesn't take her hand, so WSue grabs the other woman's hand and within less than a second they are standing in WSue's apartment in Pleasantville.
"How'd you do that?!" Sophia is incredulous.
"Never mind," WandaSue tells her as she goes to her own closet and brings out jeans that actually fit her and exchange them with the tight ones.
"Ahhh, that's better!"
"Are we stealing from another one of your friends?"
"This is my own place," WSue tells her as if it's self evident.
"Won't the authorities be on the lookout for you here?"
"We ain't gonna stay her more than a minute," WSue gathers up money and a few changes to clothes, ramming them into a patchwork bag.
"Where are we going?" Sophia is totally confused.
"We're going to get back at the rich snobs over on Winding Willow!" WSue says as she again grabs Sophia's hand and within less than a second they find themselves on an oddly shaped conveyence in the middle of what appears to be an ocean.
"How'd you do that!?" Sophia again asks, but gets no reply.
An old man with a long beard, leaning on a cane, comes from the inside cabin on the boat and walks toward the two women, a puzzled expression on his face.
"Noah? Is that you?" she asks.
"And who might you be?" Noah asks, "I don't remember stopping and picking up any extra passengers!"
"We're here to take you to dry land!" she tells him, smiling widely.
"But the water extends ever onward...." he points in one direction after another, "And we have yet to see a dove. We have to see a dove, you know."
"Forget the dove, pal, we're going to speed things up!" WandaSue says as she goes within her mind, holds the coin in her hand and requests that everyone and everything, ship and all, go to the back yard of the big house on Winding Willow.
Celeste senses a disturbance in the universe and rushes into her room where the meter is. Sure enough, the pointer is slammed clear over to the right hand side.
"Now who?!" she wonders.
She doesn't have to wonder very long, as she hears William call out, "What in blazes?! Come quick! See who's in our back yard now!"
She walks out into the kitchen and looks through the window to the back yard. There she sees the Ark, with animals coming down the ramp and people standing on the top deck waving happily at them.
William rushes out into the back yard, Celeste right on his heels. An old man with a very long beard, walking with a cane, approaches them, saying "We have been delivered! This is where we shall begin the world again!"
"How'd you get here?" William demands.
"Two strangely dressed women appeared and told us we were to reach dry land, though there was water as far as the eye could see in every direction. Lo and Behold, we have been delivered!"
"Where are these two women now?" Celeste asks.
Noah looks around for WandaSue and Sophia and answers, "I don't see them anymore."
"What do you want to bet....." William begins.
"I know, our worst nightmare.....WandaSue......has struck again!" Celeste finishes the thought.
WandaSue and Sophia are hiding behind a tree, WSue snickering, Sophia just looking confused. WandaSue then thinks of her next destination and they disappear altogether.
"Hey! We're back in your apartment!" Sophia says, surprised, "The cops'll find us here."
"Not if we keep the lights out!" Wandasue explains, "We can turn on the TV in the bedroom and maybe even use the microwave, and they won't be seen outside. We need time to regroup, and this is a good place to do it."
"OK," Sophia agrees warily, "but I want to know how you're doing all this stuff you've been doing, like putting Noah and the Ark in that back yard just now."
"All in good time, my friend," WSue assures her as she goes to the fridge to haul out a couple HungryMan dinners.
William and Noah stand face to face, toe to toe.
"I'm really sorry those women played a trick on you," William apologizes.
"Hey! No trick! I like it! Dry land! Begin the world again and all that!" Noah says with a yiddish accent.
"But, as you can see," William sweeps his arm around, "the world has been doing just fine.....see all the people? see all the houses? This is not where you want to begin from scratch all over again."
"Looks better than where we were!" Noah smiles, "Less work for me to have to do; looks like you and some of your fellas have been helping out! Thank you! Now I just have to find a place for my animals, two by two. I don't suppose your yard......"
"No, not my yard. A zoo might be interested, though. I'll phone one."
"How do you phone?"
"Come inside and I'll show you," William claps him on the back as the rest of the animals fill up the yard and the other humans are served coffee and donuts by Celeste.
Penelope hears Sally yelling from her upstairs bedroom and soon she's pounding down the stairs, "Somebody broke in and stole my coin!"
"We were only gone 20 minutes!" Penelope is shocked.
"That's all it takes! I know who did it, too!"
"But WandaSue is in jail or someplace, how could it be her?"
"It is, it just is. You know it is. Wait'll I get my hands around her miserable neck!"
WSue and Sophia are sitting with pillows behind them on the bed while the TV news comes on, paying little attention until they hear, "All charges have been dropped against WandaSue Skaggs Montgomery in the show host kidnapping case. The celebrities say they don't have the time or inclination to proceed with a case against her. To quote Oprah Winfrey, "It all turned out fine. We weren't harmed, and no good would be served by prosecuting."
WandaSue yelps, "YES! You tell 'em, Oprah! I'm free, Sophia, free I tell you, free!"
Sophia smiles, but then frowns, "I'm not, though. The cops and that nuthouse still want me back. If only I could go someplace where they would never find me."
"But you can!" WandaSue grabs her arm and laughs, "I can take you anywhere you wanna go! If I can get Noah and the Ark in the backyard of the rich snobs' house on Winding Willow, I can send you anyplace you want."
"You can?"
"Sure! Do you want to go back in time or just to another location in this time?"
"I'd sure love to go back to when I was 16, before I began to act wild and hang out with the hoddlums, before I was stupid enough to marry one. But.......I might end up doing it all over again, and I'd be back to where I am."
"Oh, no, no! You'd have all your memories with you. You would remember murdering that rat you were married to, and you'd remember the nuthouse, everything, so you sure wouldn't marry him again."
"Sort of like 'Peggy Sue Got Married' but I'D change things. Peggy Sue was a silly little goose marrying that Nicholas Cage guy again. Some women never learn!"
"Right! Tell me where and when and I can get you there in a snap!"
"I'll miss you, WandaSue, you've been a true pal, but yeah, I want to be in Buffalo, New York, June 1987."
"Take my hand," WandaSue tells her, and when she does, in less than a blink of an eye they're in the bedroom Sophia had as a 16-year old. They hug, then WSue disappears, never to be seen by Sophia again.
NO ANIMALS ALLOWED!
Bess returns from her daily dance lesson with Rhys and can't believe her eyes! All those animals grazing in the back yard! What's going on?
"William!" she exclaims, then stops when she sees the old bearded man in a white robe sitting at the kitchen table with him.
"Bess, let me present Noah, Noah this is Bess."
"Glad ta make your acquaintance, young lady. Would you like to join my group and begin the world again?" he winks at her.
Bess is flabberghasted. "William! What are you going to do with all those animals?"
"Yeah, William," Noah takes up the idea, "It's cold out, a lot colder than it was when we were out on the water. We'd better get those animals inside or the world will go missing several species."
"No animals in the house," William tells him firmly, "In fact, Noah, I think the best idea would be for you to return, ark, animals and all, to where you were before. This little glitch in your story upsets the entire old testament."
"Testament, sphmestamet!" Noah exclaims, "I'm not going anywhere! It was wet out there, and we were running low on food."
"If I give you new provisions, will you go?"
"Why? I can get them by staying here. Can't I?"
"No."
"You mean you refuse to feed us? House us? Take in our animals?"
"Yes," William is now feeling like a first class rat, but can't come up with any better plan to resolve the situation.
"Well I never!" Noah says pitifully, "After all those days at sea we are finally delivered, and then we're told 'sorry! no animals allowed!' What happened to your idea of the Zoo, whatever that is?"
"I've thought better of it. You have to do what it says in the old testament. Wait for a dove to appear....."
"Dove, shmove! Those women said they'd speed it up, and speed it up they did. Nope, even if you starve us, we are here to stay!" he thumps his cane on the floor several times to drive his position home.
William wonders how on earth he's going to rid them of Noah and all those animals and that enormous ark sitting out in the back yard.
"Well, until we come up with a compromise, we'll feed the people, but Noah, we don't have proper food for all those animals."
"Better get some or they'll start devouring each other!" Noah warns.
"Euuuuuu!" Bess remarks as she leaves the room.
Eleanor is reading a magazine as Bess walks through the living room. Bess tips her head toward the kitchen and asks, "Have you seen our new house guests Eleanor?"
Eleanor looks up and shakes her head no. "Should I?"
"Ohhhh yeah, and while you're at it, take Marilyn with you. Marilyn has a way of making men do what she wants whether they want to or not," Bess begins to laugh as she sits down and grabs the tv remote.
It takes Eleanor but a minute to see what's going on and she would have laughed had William not looked so unhappy.
"I'll get Marilyn," she whispers in his ear as she then goes into the computer room where Marilyn is composing her advice column for the newspaper.
"I have one for you! How would you advise someone who had Noah and the Ark and all the animals on it in their back yard?"
"I'd tell them.....hmmmm......El, do we have....."
"Oh yes! Someone played a joke on us and we have the full compliment on our property. William looks miserable. Noah looks radiant, so it's obvious the old boy has no intention of getting his ark back on the high seas."
Marilyn chews her pencil and then slaps her knee, "I have it! Where is he, Noah that is?"
"In the kitchen scarfing down donuts!" El laughs and follows Marilyn out into the kitchen.
When Noah sees Marilyn his face lights up. "Have I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar!"
"Ahhhh, I see pick-up lines never change," she says with a grin.
"Would you like to accompany us? Help us start the world anew?" Noah is now almost salivating.
"Sure!"
William and El are shocked. What is Marilyn up to?
"Then we stay here and I kick out the wife I have and take you, or, if you don't mind, I won't kick her out, I'll just add you. Hmmmmmmm."
"ONLY if we go back on the ark, though, and set sail again!" she says firmly.
"ONLY then?"
"ONLY then."
Noah sits and contemplates and then contemplates some more. He looks at Marilyn, he looks out the window at the ark and his wife who is overweight and has a huge nose. He shakes his head. What to do, what to do?
He finally stands and holds out his hand toward Marilyn, "Welcome aboard!" he announces.
Marilyn exchanges glances with Eleanor, and quickly flashes the coin she has in her pocket. El gets the message and turns away so that Noah won't see her laughing.
Marilyn cheerfully accompanies Noah out to the Ark. His wife gives her a strange look, then pulls Noah aside to ask him something. Marilyn can only imagine what she wants to know, poor woman!
As Noah gets some of the others to help round up the animals and redeposit them in the ark, a large truck pulls into the driveway and many big, husky men begin unloading animal feed, carrying it back into the yard, puzzled expressions on all their faces.
By now William is in charge and when asked "What is that you have, an Ark?!" simply smiles and answers, "Yes."
Everyone else is peering out the kitchen window. Bess is laughing so hard she can hardly speak, "Look!........there are the giraffes, just like in the pictures! And......look at the expression on Noah's wife! If looks could kill......."
"She's probably angry that she doesn't get to shop for a new frock before they shove off!" Eleanor comments, which causes Bess to laugh even harder.
"She could sure use one!" Rose joins in, "Think I oughta take an outfit out to her?"
"Do you have anything that would fit though?" Eleanor says between spasms of laughter, "She doesn't look like she'd fit into your size fours!"
"I know! I'll take her something of Williams'!" Rose brightens.
"Yeah, she wants to wear mens' clothes!"
"Would she know the difference?"
"Take a toga those guys wore back when they staged that toga invasion!" Eleanor suddenly remembers.
"William had one, even if he was too smart to take part in the invasion. It must be lying around in his closet somewhere!" Rose goes off to rifle through William's bedroom.
She returns with the toga and waves it in the air as she goes out the back door into the yard. The others watch her approach Noah's wife and hand it to her. After her initial confusion, they see her slide it on, letting the old outfit fall to the ground underneath as she lets Rose fasten the velcro around the top.
"YAY! We get polyester on the ark! Who would've thought?!" Marthy exclaims as Noah's wife proceeds up onto the ark, stroking the fabric of her new togs. It doesn't seem to be sweetening her disposition regarding Marilyn, however. She extends her foot as Marilyn walks by, sending the other woman sprawling on the ground.
Within another hour all are on the Ark again and when Marilyn activates her coin, disappear from view.
William comes back inside and announces, "Mission accomplished! I just hope Marilyn doesn't regret volunteering!"
"Don't worry, William, she's a tough cookie, she'll handle Noah just fine," El tells him.
"But that wife of his! She's defending her turf.......I even saw her throw a bowl at Marilyn....just missed her head," William is concerned.
"She'll zap herself out of there pretty quick though," Rose smiles at William, "all she has to do is get them out on the water, right?"
"That's the plan," William agrees.
UP TO NO GOOD
WandaSue walks around her apartment, at loose ends. "Now what?" she wonders aloud, "I had a friend but now she's back in 1987, which is good for her, but lousy for me. Penelope and Sally must be furious at me for stealing the magic coin, so I can scratch them off my short list of friends! The rich snobs over on Winding Willow have to know I put Noah and the Ark in their back yard, who else would do that? Everyone hates me.........even Billy Bob, who had a hell of a nerve serving me with divorce papers while I was in the nuthouse. I have to get back at him. I have to. Well, babydoll, you still have the coin!"
She sits on the couch and ponders what to do next.
"Hmmmmm, half of his earthly possessions will be mine, or will they? He's probably retained a slick lawyer who'll try to cheat me out of what is rightly mine. Better get over to the Ranch and check it out. Then tomorrow I'LL get an even slicker lawyer to make sure I don't get gipped. So what if BB and I haven't lived together as husband and wife for many years? I'm his legal wife, yeah, I am, so I have my rights! Should I drive over there or just zap myself there with this coin?"
She decides on the latter for shock value if nothing else, and in less than a second is sitting on the couch beside him in his living room.
He jumps up in alarm. "How'd you get here?"
"I have my ways," she answers, putting her feet up on the nearby coffee table, "So, BB olde boy, I hear you want a divorce! Hmmmm, what are you willing to give me to make sure I cooperate this time?"
"You get nothing!" he almost yells, "I have it written in that you can only take with you what we acquired since our marriage...."
"Exactly!" she jumps in, "And that's almost everything you own!"
"No that isn't it exactly. I keep what I got while we were living apart, which, I might add, was 95% of the time."
"Ahhhhh, but I'm here now, lover!" she snarls at him, "And here I intend to stay!"
"I'll get a restraining order!" he panics, "I'll have you arrested for trespassing! I'll......."
She ignores these threats and goes casually into the kitchen and opens the freezer compartment, "Hey! You got anything worth eating in this joint? Any HungryMan dinners?"
Then the idea hits her like a thunderbolt. Of course! This is perfect! Now if I can just get close enough to BB to touch him!
She walks back into the living room and marches right up to him, grabbing his arm, which he proceeds to yank away, but not fast enough to avoid......
He looks and sees a deck beneath his feet and water, endless water in all directions.
"You witch!" he yells at WandaSue, who's laughing hysterically.
They're both surprised when Marilyn comes into view.
"Hey, you guys!" she greets them, "Welcome to Noah's Ark!"
"What are you doing here?" BB asks, totally befuddled.
"It's a long story, and since I'm about to depart, hopefully before the old man's wife throws me overboard, it'll have to wait for another time and place."
"Take me with you!" BB begs.
Marilyn shakes her head, "You treated Rose pretty mean when you were married to her, BB. I don't forget stuff like that, so, bon voyage!" she says cheerily as she zaps herself away.
WandaSue adds, "Yeah, BB, have a nice trip!" and she disappears as well.
BB looks around and sees an old man, that must be Noah, he figures, and his ugly wife, who is now looking relieved that her competition has gone away, and several younger women who are huddled together laughing, chatting, and pointing at him.
One of them runs up to him and grabs him around the neck in a fierce hug, "Mine!" she announces, "I got to him first!"
The other three try to drag her off BB, but she's one strong girl, and the harder they try to pry them apart, the harder she grips him.
BB raises his eyes to the heavens and sends out a message: "HELP!"
Back to Table of Contents
[ Read / Sign my guestbook ] Get a free Guestbook