ARE WE OR AREN'T WE DEAD?......by Coralynn

Sally Jennings asks WandaSue, "So, how do we figure it out? How do we know if we're dead or not?"
"Let's see what we know so far: people don't seem to see or hear us, but.....we hear and see each other. I have no idea if that's what being dead is like, but maybe it is. We have to do more experiments, like scream right in someone's face and see if they react to it."
"Yeah! That oughta do it!"
"Let's go into that diner and see what happens," WandaSue suggests as she parks her car in the diner parking lot. They get out and walk toward the entrance.
As they reach the door, two men barge in front of them and go in.
WandaSue says, "Either those guys are terribly rude or.....they couldn't see us. OK, here we go inside."
They sit in an empty booth and look over the menu. "I'm having the fish and chips!" Sally announces happily, then gets pensive, "Can ghosts eat, WandaSue?"
"It doesn't quite sound right, does it? A ghost is just a spirit thing....kind of like smoke in the air. I least I think so.....they look like that in books. Eat? Hmmmm, I dunno."
They signal for the waitress, who waits on the booth full of men and kids around with them, and even after WandaSue whistles through her teeth, does not look up.
"Not good, Sally. That whistle of mine is loud enough to peel the paint off a barn, and the waitress didn't even flinch."
Sally's eyes fill with tears, "I don't want to be dead. I just bought a house!"
Another waitress escorts three women to the booth in which SJ and WS are sitting, gesturing for them to sit down.
Before they know it, Sally and WandaSue are being sat upon, and immediately the three women jump up, screaming.
The waitress hears that scream and comes over to find out what the problem might be.
"There are solid things.......in....that booth...." one woman says as she points toward WandaSue and Sally. "Can we please have another?"
The women are taken to another booth, leaving Sally and WandaSue to ponder.
"They felt us, WandaSue! They said they felt something solid. Are ghosts solid?"
"Never heard of a solid ghost, Sally. Obviously we aren't going to be waited on, so let's go over and lift a few danish out of that display case and maybe draw off a cup of Joe to have in the car."
They go up to the place where the danish are kept and open the door. Reaching in, WandaSue takes two of them, then another two, then closes the door. So far so good.
They go to where the syrofoam cups are kept by the coffee maker and pull the lever. Coffee begins to splash into the containers.
"LOOK!" someone yells as they see coffee containers and danish float through the diner, and out the door.

Back inside the Lincoln again, WandaSue quickly consumes her danish and coffee and remarks, "Ya know, Sally, I'm getting tired. This has been a long day. What say we drive this baby back to your house and catch a few winks."
"Do ghosts sleep, WandaSue?"
"I don't think so. Ya know, the more we think this out, the more it looks like we aren't dead. We seem solid, we eat, we sleep. But why are we invisible to people?"
Sally shakes her head, "I have no idea. Maybe if we get some sleep we can figure it out in the morning."
"Ya got a good head on ya, Sally," WandaSue tells her as she drives the Lincoln out of the parking lot and heads for the other woman's apartment.


YESSIR, THAT'S MY BABY....by Terri

"Mmm....hello?" Rose answered the phone sleepily.
"Rosamond, it's 8:00 AM and a beautiful day! Why are you still in bed?"
Rose rolled over and looked at her alarm clock with one eye open. "So it is. I was up late last night talking to John."
"Well, get up! I want you and El to come to the hospital with me!"
"WHAT?" Rose shot up in bed. John stirred. "Things OK, Rose?" he mumbled. She covered the phone with her hand. "Go back to sleep, darling."
"Mmmfphf! OK".
Bethia said, "I'm scheduled for a sonogram today. After all, I AM that far along. Rose--I want my two best girlfriends there. El is coming. Roger has his golf game with Jerry. He'll meet me there. Please, Rose?" Rose broke out in a big smile. "Of course I'll be there! I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Are you and Roger going to find out what the baby is?"
"Roger wants to and I said no! It's like knowing a wrapped present is a sweater and you can't wear it yet!"
"Let me get a quick shower and grab a bagel. I'll be over. John and Celeste can watch the baby for a little while. She got me up three times last night so she should sleep for a while this morning. William always takes Will to school."
"See you at my house about 9:00!"
Within half an hour, Rose was ready to go. She leaned over and kissed John on the ear. "Honey? I'm going for a sonogram..." John was still half asleep but he shot up in bed. "WHAT? Rose! Why didn't you tell me? So soon? Julie's only six months old but I guess it's...."
Rose hushed him with a kiss. "Not us. Bethia. She wants El and me with her."
He flopped down on the pillow. "OH! You about gave me a heart attack! Oooh! This *(&%^* shoulder. I swear, I may go back in time so I can blast Dillon's other kneecap!"
Rose went downstairs and poured herself a cup of coffee. El was washing her plate.
"Rose, is that all you're going to eat?"
"It's almost 9:00. I don't have any time for breakfast. Ready to go?"
Eleanor grabbed her coat. "Ready as I'll ever be! Where's your coat, Rose?"
Rose put on a demin jacket. "My silver fox is in storage, and I expect a hooker is now wearing my leather one! Sure wish I had it. Now I know how Montgomery felt about HIS leather jacket. There's something about them...." as their voices faded down the driveway.

Rosamond and Eleanor walked into Bethia's kitchen. "I'll be right down." Bethia yelled.
Rosamond looked around. "Lots of love in this house. I can't tell you how good it makes me feel that Bethia found her Prince Charming!"
Eleanor looked at Rose. "As have you. And I."
Rose laughed. "And escaped Henry's clutches with our heads and sanity intact!"
They high fived each other.
Bethia came downstairs and grabbed her coat. El patted her on the stomach and said, "Nice little pouch you have, Beth!"
Beth looked down at her stomach. "Rose, you didn't start wearing maternity clothes this fast, did you? Even with Julie?"
Rose stood back and surveyed Bethia's stomach. "Hmm...no, but each woman carries different, Beth. I carried back further. Some women are all up front. You must be one of those women."

Beth bit her thumbnail. "I'm a little nervous. Of what they'll see!"
Rose gave her a hug. "It will be wonderful! You can see your baby from the inside out. A little organ recital. And if you want, you can see if the baby is a boy or a girl. Unless he/she is mooning you!"
"No, it's definitely going to be a surprise! I'm going to savor every minute of it!"
El said, "I wouldn't even know HOW to have a baby anymore! It's too complicated! In my day, we got pregnant, we had them and prayed it was an heir or a spare!"
Rose said, "With Julie, I could tell she had John's mouth but my nose. She didn't turn over for us, so I couldn't tell. I had it done while Billy Bob was out of town. I didn't want him insisting if it was a boy or girl. And I knew it wasn't his child anyhow. For a while I think I did convince myself it WAS his. That's why I married him. But deep down I knew. And I always knew she was John's. Just a feeling."
El said, "I noticed Daniel was limping out of the party. Muttering. Wondering if he was in pain. He was doubled over." She looked at Rosamond.
Rose shrugged but evaded the question. "He probably banged his knee in something."
El said, "Or some knee banged something."
Bethia put her coat on and said, "OK, girls. Roger is meeting us. Then he has to go to the office for afternoon appointments. He has three women overdue. We'll do lunch!"

Roger walked over to the Big House from changing his clothes. William and Celeste were laughing over something that Julie did. "Hello, Roger! Aren't you supposed to be with the girls?"
Roger put his medical bag down on the table. "I'm here to see John. I wanted to check on his wound. Then I get to see a preview of my baby! It's funny, I bring babies in the world all the time, but when it's your own, the miracle is incredible."
William patted Roger on the back. "It's awesome, Roger. I'm happy for you!"
Roger picked up his bag. "I'll see John now, hopefully he can get up now. He'll have to take it easy for a while."

Roger knocked on the door. "Come on in!"
Roger said, "Hey, buddy, how's it feeling?"
John flinched when Roger removed the dressing. He felt in gently. "I think it's healing OK. Taking your antibiotics on schedule?"
"Yeah, Rosamond even sets the alarm in the middle of the night."
"Good girl, she is!"
"How's your strength?"
"Tired as all get out."
"Comes with blood loss. Taking the iron pills?"
"Yes. I've got to get out of this bed before I go crazy!"
"Don't push it. You've taken a pretty big hit. That was a hell of a bullet."
"I didn't get any sleep for the 48 hours she was gone, either. Rog, I've never been so freaked in my life!"
"Sorry you missed the party! Darth Vader kept everyone entertained!"
"Yeah, I watched Julie. She fell asleep next to me. We played peekaboo and pattycake and all that stuff. Rose have a good time?"
Roger hesitated a second. "She seemed to. I think she missed you. Daniel kept her company."
"Really."
"Yeah--his Robin Hood outfit was super."
John said, "Yeah. I saw it."
"Try to get up this afternoon for a bit, John. And don't get that bandage wet. Put a new one on when you get out of the shower."
"Will do, Doc. Thanks alot!"
Roger packed up his medical bag and shook his head. "I'd never believe that bullet wound if I didn't see it for myself. Vintage bullet 125 years old. Get well soon, buddy. We miss you on the greens!"
John gave Roger a salute. "Now go see your baby!"
Roger gave him a thumbs up and left.

The three girls entered the diagnostic center. Beth walked up to the nurse. "Hi! I'm Bethia Bidwell, here for my sonogram."
"OH! Doctor Bidwell's wife! Hi! Yes, I have your appointment. Dr. Harmon's patient. Have a seat! We'll be right with you."
The women sat waiting for Beth's turn. Within fifteen minutes, Roger came in.
Beth smiled up at him. "Hey, honey! Nervous?"
"Yes and no! Now that you are here, I'm better."

A woman in a lab coat came in. "Hi, I'm Joan. Hello, Dr. Bidwell. So this one you are REALLY personally involved in, huh?"
Roger broke out in a smile. "Yes, I am! And nervous as can be!"
Joan hooked up her machine. "Don't worry, Dr. I haven't lost a patient yet!"
Within fifteen minutes, Joan was guiding whatever it was she used over Beth's abdomen. Rose and Eleanor leaned forward with Roger, looking over at the screen. El said, "Wow! This is really wild!n Look!"
Joan began to identify things. "Here's the heart...the kidneys...look! An arm!..Two!"
Joan looked carefully, "Uh..Dr. Bidwell? Could I see you a minute?"
Beth looked up worriedly. "Is everything OK?"
Joan smiled briefly. "Oh! Of course!"
Rose pointed, "Look! Beth's pert little nose...."

Roger hurriedly followed Joan out into the hall. Joan bit her lip. "Looks like your baby has four legs, Dr. Bidwell."
"What?"
Joan said, "I think I know what it means. According to a sonogram. Just be patient and calm and I'm going to try to get an answer."

As they walked in, Bethia looked up with a nervous look on her face. "Roger? Everything IS OK, isn't it?"
Roger patted her hand. "Sure...sure, honey!"
Joan let her machine roam over Bethia's abdomen more. After five minutes, she broke out in a smile and said excitedly, "Bingo! Dr. Bidwell...Mrs. Bidwell...the reason you baby has four arms and four legs..."
Beth, Rose and Eleanor all exclaimed, "WHAT?" together.
"Congratulations, Mrs. Bidwell! You are carryinig TWINS!







GHOSTS DON'T BLEED......by Coralynn

WandaSue is the first to wake up. She goes into the kitchen for some coffee, then inspiration strikes. I know, she thinks, as she rummages around in the kitchen drawers. Finding a steak knife, she taps her arm with the tip and sees blood ooze out.
"That's it!" she announces to the empty room, "Ghosts don't bleed!"
She walks quickly to Sally's bedroom and wakes up the other woman saying triumphantly, "Hey Sally! We ain't dead! Ghosts don't bleed!"
"Whaaaaat?" Sally asks groggily, "What do you mean?"
"I stuck myself with a steak knife, and look....blood!"
"Eeeeuuuuuuuuu," is Sally's only response.
WandaSue grabs a Kleenex out of the box on the nightstand and sops up the blood with it.
"We know we aren't ghosts. Mystery number one.....solved!"
"But why can't people see us or hear us?"
"OK, so that's mystery number two. But......I have an idea, a great idea!"
"And that is....?"
"We have BB's Lincoln, and we're going to keep it, too. God knows what he did with my Acura, but till we get that back, I'm driving his dream machine. Here's my plan: we drive out to the ranch and freak them out. Now that we know that they think we're ghosts, we can really play with their lame brains!"

After a quick breakfast, the two women get in the Lincoln and drive toward the ranch, singing bawdy songs as they speed along at 80 mph.

They hear the siren of a police car coming up behind them, but instead of looking alarmed, they look at each other and smile.

Travis McGee sees the Lincoln pull over and thinks, this will be an expensive joyride, you guys, wait till I slap this ticket on ya!"
He walks up alongside the driver's side of the car and the window lowers. "License plate and registration," he says in a gruff voice.
He looks into the car and sees......nobody.
"Damn goggles are dirty," he thinks as he rubs them off and puts them back on, and looks into the car and sees......nobody.
"OK, the party's over, guys, get out with your hands up! I think a little ride to the station might sober you up!" he says with false bravado.
The door of the car opens suddenly and violently, knocking him down. He looks up and sees.......nobody.
Shaking, he stands up again and goes to the police car, which he left running. Before he is able to get into the driver's seat, however, large rocks pelt the car over and over. He sees dings and dents and a smashed-out window, with more rocks coming steadily.
He puts the car in gear and races away.
Now how am I going to explain this to Carson? he wonders, Ahhhhh hell.

The two women get back into the Lincoln, laughing so hard they're doubled over. "Did you see the look on that stupid cop's face?"
"Ohhhh did I, it was classic!"
They proceed on toward the ranch and arrive just behind BB and his friends. They can see him carrying a few grocieries into the guest house.
"Here's where we finish off what's left of their sanity!" WandaSue yells as she drives in a circle around the yards outside the house. She goes around and around, faster and faster.
BB slams the door and tells BoobyJoe and Jameson, "The Lincoln's back! That's the good news....."
Jameson looks out the window and sees a driverless car racing in circles around the house and adds "...and the bad news is that the ghosts are driving it."
They hear the car horn blast over and over. The circle around the house begins to get smaller and smaller.
"I know!" Bobby Joe grabs the other guys and pulls them down the hall and into the bathroom, "If you stay in a bathroom in the middle of your house, you're the safest!"
BB pulls away, "That's if there's a tornado warning!"
"Oh yeah, that's true. So what ideas do you guys have? Do we stay inside this guest house all day? all week?"
"That car has to run out of gas eventually," Jameson says sensibly, "how much gas was in there, do you remember?"
"It was full!" BB groans, "and it has a very large tank. I think we're in here for the duration, guys."
Bobby Joe waxes philosophic, "hey, this is good. As long as the ghosts are out there , they can't hurt us in here! Anybody want to play a good long game of Monopoly?"
Jameson hits him on the head with a couch pillow and falls back onto the couch with an...."awwwww hell."

The men hear the car outside go to the front of the guest house, and the engine idle. As they return to the windows, they see the driverless car with the driver's side door ajar, then see it close and the car drive off down the driveway toward the road.

After they look at each other with quizzical expressions, Jameson sees a piece of paper on the floor just inside the door. He picks it up and reads aloud, "I'm keeping your Lincoln till I get my Acura back, bud!!"
The three men look at each other with worried expressions, "Oh-Oh!" they say as one.


LIKE A BAD PASTRAMI SANDWICH....by Terri

Bethia, Rosamond and Eleanor were seated in the revolving restaurant on top of the Regency. Eleanor said, "This is a great day to celebrate, girls! Bethia expecting twins--getting two for the price of one!"
Rosamond said, "No offense, Bethia, but I'm glad it's you and not me! I don't think I could handle twins!"
Bethia grinned, "Did you see the look on Roger's face? I swear, it was PRICELESS!"
El said, "I thought he would pass out and then the look of pride--WOW! Loved it!"
The waiter came up and took their drink orders--spring water with lemon. They clinked their glasses together. "Here's to the newest additions to our time travel family!" Eleanor said.
Rose rested her head in her hands. "As incapacitatd as John is, he's been kind of hinting around for a baby. I can't do that--not so soon! My life had been in shambles for the last year. I need some down time, some romance time! And that timetravel to San Francisco really did me in! I want to puke--can I say that?--everytime I think of how Dillon and John dueled in that shoot-out."
Bethia said, "Rose, I have to ask you--did you shoot him in the knees on purpose or did you aim higher and missed?"
Rose said soberly, "I really don't know what I was doing, it happened so fast. When I saw John go down, I lost all reason. Next thing I know, that gun was in my hand and it was shaking but I steeled myself long enough to fire a shot off. I have no doubt in my mind that he was going to finish the job."

El said, "Sometimes I wish we didn't have these time-travel coins but I'm not about to give mine up."
Bethia said, "Me either. You never know when it will come in handy!"
Rose made a face at them. "At least you have them. William STILL won't give me one. He said--and I quote--NO WAY, LITTLE MISSY! He said, (and Rose did a booming voice-imitation of William) 'You have not proved yourself responsible, Rosamond. Until you do, the answer is no.' Are you believing that crap?"
Bethia and Eleanor sat there and forked their salads like it was brain surgery.
Rose looked from Beth to El. "What? WHAT? You concur?"
The girls ate their salads methodically, El looking around the room and Bethia looking down at her plate.
Rose threw her hands up. "Well, I give up! Thanks alot, girls!"
Bethia said, "Rose, sweetie, it's just that we love you so much that we don't want anything to happen to you."
Eleanor, being more blunt, said, "I don't think John could handle anymore, Rosamond. He almost died for you. Let it go, OK, girlfriend."
Rosamond sighed. "I've got other things on my mind, too. The Daytime Drama nominations come out today. I am waiting for Marty Henshaw to call me. I have to see if John and I are nominated. I really don't expect it since I've only been back since August. And John had to work with that swampsow, Penelope Patterson. She'll probably have wrecked his chances."
"You mean with the scandal sheets with the drug allegations? And your supposedly kept woman past?"
"No, with her bad acting. Marty said there's no such thing as bad publicity."

Her cellphone rang. "Hello? Hi, Marty----no, I'm just at lunch with Bethia and Eleanor--so what's the news?---you're kidding--REALLY? I know he'll be pleased---no, he's just been a bit under the weather---since he had a few weeks off, he had shoulder surgery. An old football injury he decided to get that artho--whatever-surgery so he will be kind of bandaged up---no, he's feeling better---I'm sure---no, we will definitely be there.--ha,ha, yes, I'll have to go shopping!--OK--no, we'll be there. Thanks, Marty. He'll be pleased. Bye."

Eleanor and Bethia looked expectantly at Rosamond. Rosamond folded her cellphone shut and put it in her purse, picked up her fork and ate her salad.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"And..?"
"OH! NOW you're interested!" Rose broke out into a big smile. "John and I are both nominated for best actor/best actress in a daytime series!" The three of them clinked glasses again.
"We are invincible. Hear us roar!"
Rose said, "You all ARE coming, aren't you? Marty has reserved a big table."
El said, "We won't miss it for the world!"
Rosamond looked up and dropped her fork. "I can't believe it. Penelope Patterson just walked in with her producer."

Rose bent over to pick her fork up off the floor and put it on the next table and took the silverware off it. "I can't believe it! She's with that slimeball producer Alan Kershaw." Rose put her finger down her throat and made gagging sounds. Bethia put her menu in front of her face and peered over the top of it. El hissed, "THAT'S the woman who tried to bust you and John up?"
Rosamond nodded. "Yes. What is her fat butt doing in a nice restaurant? They don't allow dogs in here."
Bethia whispered, "Whatever made her think she had a chance with John? She's so totally NOT his type!"
Rosamond threw her napkin down. "Oh, who cares! I'm going to the ladies' room. I'll be right back."
She went into the ladies's room and stood there re-applying her lipstick and brushed her hair out. Out of one of the stalls came Penelope Patterson.
Rose saw her in the mirror and gave her a look of disdain. Penelope stared at her.
"Well, well, if it isn't Miss de Clifford!" she said sarcastically. Rose looked at her and said, "OH! Haven't you heard, Miss Pastami? That's Mrs. GWINNETT now. Yes, my dear...I married that hunk. And he's all mine. Just like the role of Daisy is mine."
Penelope got right in Rosamond's face. "Well, Miss Slut- let me tell YOU something! I just received my nomination today for best actress in a daytime for my role! SO THERE! And here you are a has-been working with a cokehead husband."
Rose took a step forward and Penelope raised her arms protectively in front of her face. Rose said derisively, "Oh, don't get so dramatic. You aren't worth it!"
Penelope said, "You're looking a little peaked, dear. Not getting enough sleep?"
Rose gave her a smile of satisfaction. "Yes, Miss Pastrami...you certainly are right about THAT!"
Penelope realized whatever she said to Rosamond she couldn't win. She just stuck her tongue out, said "We'll just see who the better actress is!" and flounced out of the ladies' room. Rose did a slow burn and came back to her table. She walked by the table Penelope and her producer were sitting at. Rose stopped. "Well! If it isn't Mr...Kershaw, is it?" Alan Kershaw jumped up, practically knocking over his chair to be cordial.

Eleanor nudged Bethia. They watched everything like it was a slow-motion car accident. Rosamond put on her brightest 'star' smile.
"Miss de Clifford! How nice to see you! I haven't seen you since the Daytime Drama Awards last year! I understand congratulations are in order. That you married your co-star less than a month ago!"
Rose put on her scintillating smile. "Yes! A little over three weeks ago! It was a wonderful wedding. No doubt you read about it in People Magazine?"
Alan Kershaw said, "Indeed I did, Miss de Clifford. Indeed I did! I--uh, I remember last year at the awards show you were with--uh, your first husband--Montgomery, wasn't it? And you were expecting. My, how fast things had changed for you! A whirlwind courtship with your co-star! No wonder Marty doesn't want to lose you two, Ha-ha! Doesn't seem fair, you already have the chemistry, you have an advantage!"
Rosamond thought to herself, what a schmuck! But she kept her cool. "Yes, I couldn't be happier, Mr. Kershaw. Nice to see you again...Miss Patterson."
Rose nodded and moved to her own table.
Beth and El stared at her. Rose flipped her napkin, put it in her lap and said, "Was that a performance or what?"

Alan Kershaw stared at Rosamond's retreating figure. "Beautiful girl! Penelope, that is the one you are going to have to beat!"
Penelope sat there with a thundercloud over her head and brooded. "Yeah, she's something else! Bet she's still hopped up on pills, too, the little chippie!"
Then she got an idea. An idea that would totally put the screws to Rosamond and blow her out of the water. It would make my win that much sweeter, ho-bag!
Penelope leaned forward and casually said to Kershaw, "What was the name of her ex-husband? Monroe?"
Kershaw said, "Montgomery. Millionaire horsebreeder in Westchester County. Some scandal this past summer, involved a separation and presumed dead this summer. Wonder if John Gwinnett was the reason for the separation."
Penelope bit thoughtfully into her roll. "Montgomery, huh?....."

Rosamond stomped up the steps and went into her bedroom. John came out of the shower. "Rose, honey? Can you help me bandage this?"
Rose got the gauze and tape. "Feeling better, darling? I told Marty that you had that surgery to clean out some scar tissue from an old football injury. That will explain the bandaged shoulder."
John kissed her. "Good thinking! How did Bethia's sonogram go? Did you get to see the little critter?"
"Critters."
"What?"
"She and Roger are going to have twins! You should have seen the look on Roger's face!"
John laughed. "Wonderful! You know, Rose, Julie is six months old now.." Rose said firmly, "No, John. Get that thought out of your head. RIGHT NOW!"
John fumbled, trying to get his robe on. "This sitting around is driving me crazy!"
Rose gave him his antibiotic and his iron pill. "Here. Take this. Swallow. Don't make me hide it in a hotdog and stroke your throat to get it down!"
John took it dutifully. "Yes, Nurse Diesel! Or is it Rachet? By the way, did Marty call?" Rose became animated. "Yes! Didn't he call you?"
John shook his head no. "I took the phone off the hook and unplugged my cellphone. Rose? You're giviing me that 'I have to have a new dress look'. Does that mean...?"
Rose bounced up and down on the bed. "Yes!...Yes!...Yes! We are both nominated! And the Hottest Couple award isn't announced until the ceremony!"
Then she looked crestfallen. "OH! And I ran into that screaming banshee, Miss Junk-in-the-Trunk Patterson. Would you believe she was nominated too?"
John shrugged. "So what? As long as she isn't in the Hottest Couple award with me, I couldn't care less! So go out, darling, and buy yourself something beautiful!" Rose kissed and hugged him fiercely. "OW! %^$%$%&^%^, Rose, that's my shoulder!"
Rose laughed, "You must be getting better! You only said,&*&&*$ instead of $^#@%!"


AND THE OSCAR GOES TO....SIR BILLY BOB OLIVIER....by Terri

Bobby Joe looked out the window. "There goes the Lincoln!"
Billy Bob slammed his beer bottle down in frustration. "Do you know how much I paid for that car? I paid fifty-two thousand dollars! Now it's worth jack squat!"
Jameson said, "Think they'll be back?" "Sure--she wants that Acura. Lincolns are NOT Wanda Sue's style."
"Sure drives like it's her style!"
Jameson asked. "Should we get some garlic and string it over the door? Maybe some silver bullets? Or a wooden stake?"
Billy Bob said, "Get real! No such things as werewolves and vampires. Although THAT would be Wanda Sue's style."
Jameson frowned. "Maybe you should report her missing now?"
Billy Bob groaned. "Acting is my ex-un-wife's department. But if I pull it off, maybe I'll be nominated for that acting award she was always coveting! Yeah--best actor-William Robert Montgomery in the role of 'So I Married a Ghost'!"

He leaned back, put his arms behind his head and stretched his booted feet on the glass coffee table. "Yeah, they'll offer me a job in the soaps---maybe the same one she is in--then she'll have to act with me. Those wild passionate scenes that she did with that bum she married--but it will be ME and not him...we'll get the hottest couple award...she'll realize how much we had and how much we loved each other.." Bobby Joe said, "Someone buy him an e-ticket, because he's gone to Fantasyland!"

Wanda Sue and Sally continued on their jaunt like Thelma and Louise of Westchester county. "Hey, Sally! Pass me those Fritos and bean dip! Whoops! Bean dip dripped between the seats!" Sally took her fingers and tried to rub it out. "Uh, oh, looks like it's imbedded in the seats, Wanda Sue!" Sally took her fingers and wiped them on the dashboard. Wanda Sue steered with her knees and tried to open up a YooHoo. It sprayed all over the windshield. "Ooopsie! My mistake!"
They both dissolved into laughter. Wanda Sue drained the can in about five gulps and flipped it back over her shoulder. It landed in the KFC box of chicken bones. She stretched out and hit cruise control. "Ahhh! I DO like a car I don't have to worry about--inside AND out!"
Sally reached for a taco. She put her chewing gum on the headliner. Wanda Sue looked at it and said, "Got quite a collection up there, Sally, old girl!"

Sally looked up. "There's Monday--Tuesday--Wednesday..." She went to squeeze her taco sauce on her taco but squeezed the packet a little too hard. Taco sauce squirted all over the headliner, the windshield, the dash and into Wanda Sue's hair.
Wanda Sue didn't even notice, she was too shellacked on her head. Wanda Sue got a devilish idea. "Sally, since we are invisible, let's do what we want! It will be our own private joke! Are you game?"
"Sure, I'll do anything to stick it to society's mores!"
"We can even go into restaurants naked!"
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, can you imagine sitting in a snooty restaurant in nature's own, with nothing but purses and big hats?"
Sally, being as warped as Wanda Sue, said, "I LOVE IT! We'll be naked and no one will know the difference!"
They looked at each other and high-fived each other. "YES!! Let's do it!"


Travis got out of the patrol car and looked at it carefully. What am I going to tell Carson? He looked in the back seat at the shards of glass from the shattered window and went into the station with a heavy sigh.
Carson looked up from his reports and said, "What's with the long face, someone steal the prize out of your crackerjack box, Sonny?"
Travis snapped, "Lay off me, will you? I just got the snot kicked out of Car 59."
Carson sighed, "Kids put shaving cream on your windshield again? What did they write this time, 'PIG' or 'BACON'?"
"Neither. I got pelted by a ghost. I stopped a Lincoln for speeding and I swear, no one was there. I didn't have time to get the license number down."
Just then Billy Bob Montgomery walked in. Alan said, "Haven't seen you in a few days, Montgomery. What's on your mind now?"
Billy Bob came in dressed in his jeans and his Stetson. He wore his suede fleece-lined jacket and tried to look as upset and humble as he could.
"I beg your pardon, Officer Carson, but my wife seems to be missing."
"Missing?"
"Yes." Billy Bob put a distressed look on his face and passed his hands over his eyes.
Carson looked at him disbelievingly. "Is this the same wife you left in the slammer a few weeks ago?"
"Oh, that! I was trying to teach her a lesson!" He laughed weakly. Alan got out his pencil and started to take a report. "When was the last time you saw her?"
"Two days ago. I think she may have left me. She took her clothes and her car and left without a note. That is not like Wanda Sue. I fear something may have happened to her." At this Billy Bob whipped up some tears in his eyes and got a little catch in his voice. He wrung his hands in deperation and anguish. "PLEASE, Officer Carson, you MUST find her!"
' Carson leaned his cheek on his hand and tapped his desk with his pencil. He said in a bored voice, "Un huh, this is the same one who you tried to unload fourteen years ago and who came back to screw up your marriage to Rosamond Gwinnett?"
At this Billy Bob's jaw tightened at the sound of Rosamond's new name. He steeled himself. "A big mistake, Officer. I realized that after fourteen years that we were fated to be together."
Alan started to write. "Un, huh." He said dubiously. He continued to write the missing person's report. "Are you sure she's gone? I mean, I just had a missing person's report on Rosamond Gwinnett. Turns out she went shopping and the note she left behind blew out the window. "
Billy Bob looked at Alan incredulously. "And you bought that load of manure? I think she went..." He shut up right away. He couldn't bring himself to tell Carson that he had been married to a time traveler. He could hardly believe it himself except for the fact that he experienced it firsthand, what with the French Revolution and Henry's Court.
"Went what?" Alan asked.
"Uh, I think she went trysting on him and was afraid he would find out. That's what I think. And it wouldn't be the first time."
"Know this for a fact, do you?" Alan knew but wanted to yank Billy Bob's chain. Because he knew the score with Rosamond and John all the time she was married to Billy Bob.
Alan sighed, leaned back in his chair and said, "Ok--I need pertinent information now. Height?"
Billy Bob shrugged. "Weight?"
Billy Bob answered, "Too much?"
"Hair?"
"Natural or dyed?"
"Eyes?"
"Two?"
"No. Color"
Billy Bob looked at him blankly. "I don't know."
"You ARE married to this woman, aren't you? I mean, you do get upclose and personal, don't you?"
"NO WAY! I mean, uh, well, it's been awhile...."
"And you don't know any of the stats on her? What does she drive?"
"She has a two door dark blue 2002 Acura with white interior, New York tag number SGR-586"
"You know all this but you don't know anything else about her?"
"I know she's the same age as me. And she likes money."
"Oh, well, THAT will help alot! I'll put an APB out for her and her car."
"Thanks, Officer Carson. I appreciate it. Just bring my honeybunny home to me."
Alan looked at him incredulously as he watched Montgomery wipe fake tears off his face. As Billy Bob turned to go, Alan called out, "By the way, do you know the stats on your ex-wife Rosamond?"
Without thinking or missing a beat, he rattled off, "Five-foot four, one hundred pounds, blonde hair, blue eyes. Drives a 2001 red Miata, New York tag RDC-004."
As Montgomery opened the station door to leave, Alan said softly to himself, "Yeah. You really are worried about the first Mrs. Montgomery--NOT!"


THE NAKED LUNCH.........by Terri

"Are you ready, Sally?" Wanda Sue said as she adjusted her big straw hat.
"Do you really think we should do this, Wanda Sue?"
"Why not? I think it's funny! We go into the fanciest restaurant on the top of the Hilton, wearing our big hats and our straw purses and nothing else! It's our own private PHFFFT!! on society's mores! So what if no one can see us? WE"LL know we're naked and it's our own private joke!"
Sally laughed. "I guess you're right! It's a real in-your-face joke!"
They put on huge fancy hats and carried their purses. Then they took off their clothes and jumped in the car. They fired the Lincoln up and cranked it up to 80 mph, singing their bawdy songs as usual.
They parked the car and got out. Ignored as usual. "HEY! Mr. Valet! Park our car for us, Loverboy!" The valet stood there and scratched his head. "Hey, Lou--another car parked where it ought not to me. Whatcha wanna do about it?"
Lou shrugged. "Just leave it there right now."
Wanda Sue and Sally started laughing. "Hey! Honey! Check this out! They put their straw purses in front of them. Wanda Sue said to Sally, "You know, these G-strings were a good idea! Now I feel like a stripper!"
Sally said, "It's always good not to reveal too much! Let them guess!"
Wanda Sue said, "Yeah, like that fan-dancer! It's what you do with it that keeps them guessing!"
The entered the elevator. The elevator operator looked around. He looked outside the elevator. Wanda Sue took her umbrella and poked him in the butt. He jumped a mile and then she kicked his butt out the elevator. The door closed and they dissolved into giggles. They punched the buttons and rode the elevator to the top.
Wanda Sue and Sally walked out towards the restaurant. They looked at each other and grinned their devilish smiles. "Ready to eat lunch, Sally?"
"Ready when you are, Wanda Sue!"
They walked in, laughing because they were wearing most of what nature had given them and their big hats.
Every eye turned to them. A woman gasped. One shrieked. One man burst out laughing and a few wolf-whistled.


The tea had worn off.


"Oh! Great, idea, Wanda Sue! REAL GREAT!" Sally spat.
Wanda Sue sat in the back of the squad car and pulled on her handcuffs. "How was I supposed to know that we were visible? I mean, the elevator guy didn't see us! It must have worn out between the elevator and the restaurant."
"So now what happens?" Sally pouted.
"I'm sure we'll be taken to the station. But what do we say? We were invisible?"
Wanda Sue fretted. Sally gave her a dirty look.
"OK, ladies, here's some blankets to wrap yourselves in. What's the big idea? Oh, and, Mrs. Montgomery? Your husband was in here, frantic to find you. He filed a missing person's report. He was quite distraught, begged us to find you." Alan Carson said.
"What? Are you serious? You sure you got the real Billy Bob?"
"Sure--believe me, you two are memorable! A pair of matching jailbirds!"
Alan got in the car with his partner Scardaletti. Scadaletti turned to them and asked, "Just what were the two of you thinking?"
Wanda Sue and Sally Jennings looked at each other wordlessly. Sally piped up with, "It was a dare from a friend. We thought as long as we were wearing these G-strings, it would cover up our bits and pieces. It was a joke. Ha, ha, ha, ha!" she laughed weakly.
Alan looked at them in his rear view mirror. He shook his head. "Looks like we got you two on indecent exposure. The two of you ruined lunch for over 200 people!"
He sighed, put the car in gear, and headed for the precinct.


Billy Bob pulled into the drive in his Thunderbird. He did like his cars. He walked in the guest house with a pizza and beer. Bobby Joe and Jameson were watching the football game. "Who's winning?"
"Who do you think?"
"That bad, huh?"
"How'd it go at the station?" Jameson asked.
Billy Bob stretched his arms above his head. "How do you think it went? I'd say I put on an academy award performance, thank you very much! Yep, I think Rosamond and I will be the next Tracey and Hepburn, the next Gable and Lombard, the next Cronyn and Tandy, the next..."
"Laurel and Hardy?"
"Real funny, BJ!"


*RING*
"Hello, Hefner's Outlet Pad, Jameson speaking--unless it's Anastacia, then it's 'Hi, honey, I'm on my way home right now!' "
Carson cleared his throat, "Uh, Is Mr. Montgomery there? This is Officer Carson. Down at the station."
"Hold on..Hey, Olivier, it's for you!"
Billy Bob said cheerfully, "Hello?"
Carson pulled the phone from his ear and stared at it. Distraught? Restrained julilation, I call it. Like when George gave Susan those poisoned envelopes to lick on Seinfeld.
"Yes, uh, Mr. Montgomery, we found your wife."
Billy Bob put on his most distressed voice. "Where did you find the body?"
"At the Hilton."
"Oh. In the parking garage, huh? What was she, strangled?"
"What? No, sir, we found her in the restaurant."
"Oh,no! What fiend would stuff her in the freezer?"
"What are you talking about, Montgomery?"
"Her body. She's dead, right? I mean, that explains why she didn't come home last night."
"Sir, I regret to inform you, if that is what you are driving at, that your little woman is alive and kicking in the Westchester county jail, wrapped in a blanket and charged with indecent exposure!"


SPRUNG!......by Terri

Billy Bob slowly hung up the phone. Bobby Joe walked over to him and put his hand on his shoulder. Jameson sat there and threw popcorn kernels up in the air and caught them in his mouth.
"Who was on the phone, BB?"
"Officer Carson."
"They find Wanda Sue?"
"They found her alright."
"How many bullets?"
"What?"
"How many times was she riddled?"
"She wasn't shot."
"Garrotted? Strangled? Oh, no, not THAT!" With that Bobby Joe made a slicing motion across his throat.
Billy Bob looked at Bobby Joe incredulously. "WHERE do you get your ideas from anyways?"
Jameson yelled, "TV!"
"What?"
"He gets his ideas from TV."
Jameson put the football game on mute.
"So what's the score?" Bobby Joe said.
"Jameson said, " It's 34-21 if they make the field goal."
"No, what's the deal with Wanda Sue?"
Billy Bob flopped down on the couch. "Turns out she grossed out the entire top floor of that revolving restaurant at the Hilton by appearing nude."
"WHAT??" Jameson shouted.
"EWWWW! GROSS! I mean, she had her moment when she was 16. A fleeting moment. too."
Billy Bob jumped up. "OH NO! NO! NO!"
He ran outside and frantically started to sift through the ashes of what was the entire collection of everything that was essentially Wanda Sue. He dropped to his knees and dug around. Then he rocked back on his heels and moaned, "Gentlemen? Our collective asses are grass and she is the lawnmower!"


"Ladies? You're free to go. As soon as you pay the bond of 500.00 each." Carson explained.
Wanda Sue fumbled through her purse. "Take a check, flatfoot?"
"What did you say?"
Wanda Sue smiled sweetly. If that was possible for her. "Would you take a check, Officer?"
Carson sighed. "I heard what you said the first time. Yes, we'll take a check since we know you."
Wanda Sue and Sally looked at each other, wrapped in blankets. "We can't go out on the street like this!"
Carson yelled over, "Hey, Trav! Run over to Thrift City and get these lovely ladies some clothes!"
Travis was polishing the barrel on his gun. Alan said, "Better make sure the safety clip is on."
Travis bristled, "What do you think I am, stupid?"
Alan just stared at him. Travis looked at his gun, and while Carson was turned away, he put his safety clip on.
He groaned. "I'm not buying any women's clothing by myself. You think I want this town to think I'm a cross-dresser?"
Alan snapped, "OK, take Malone. They serve coffee and donuts until 10:00 AM there."
Malone, hearing the word 'donuts' was at the door, hand on the knob. They went outside, Travis complaining and Malone salivating.


Within an hour, they came back with a bag from Thrift City. Travis said, "It was half-price day." He pulled out a daisy printed tentdress for Wanda Sue and a lime green polyester pants suit for Sally. "Here!" he said proudly. "Bet I got the size right!"
Wanda Sue screamed and Sally put her hands over her eyes. "Where--where--where...?" she found her voice again and yelled, "Where did you get these monstrocities?"
Travis looked bewildered, "In a section marked 'retro' ".
Wanda Sue grabbed it and Sally picked hers up by the collar. "Feels like plastic!"
They went into the ladies room and changed. When they came out, Wanda Sue looked like Omar the Tentmaker on acid had designed her dress. Sally looked like a lime. They stomped out the door.
Travis looked at Alan and said, "I thought they fit rather nicely, didn't you?"
Alan shook his head and went back to his paperwork.
Travis dropped his gun and three bullets shot out and peppered the wall.
Alan, Scardaletti and Malone looked at him incredulously. He said sheepishly, "Guess the safety clip wasn't on. I'll get the spackling compound...."


A PLOT IS HATCHED...by Terri

Billy Bob shuffled into his guest house, soot and cinders all over his jeans and his boots. There were black streaks on his face. He opened the fridge, grabbed a beer and flopped down on the couch. Bobby Joe and Jameson came in right behind him. They too grabbed beer.
Bobby Joe leaned over to Billy Bob and said, "We could dye our hair and change our names.."
Billy Bob closed his eyes and put the cold bottle to his forehead. He mumbled, "Been there, done that...."
Jameson said, "She'll probably be home soon. What are you going to do?"
"Dunno...her clothes, her jewelry, her cosmetics, her car....HER CAR!!" He bolted upright and then fell back again. "I'm cooked. My life won't be worth squat... Where are you going?"
Jameson paused with his hand on the doorknob. "Thought I heard Anastacia calling me..."
Billy Bob shot off the couch and grabbed Jameson by the scruff of the neck. "Oh no you don't!! She's in Milan, right?"
Jameson squeaked out, "Right."
"So she didn't call you, right?"
"Uh, I guess I must have made a mistake.."
"Damn right you made a mistake. You'll stay HERE! NOW!"
The phone rang and Billy Bob picked it up. He made down! stay! motions for Jameson. Jameson sat on the couch next to BJ.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Mr. Montgomery?"
"Yes, it is. May I help you?"
"Oh, I certainly hope so! I have a business proposition that may be in both our interests. Sorry! Let me introduce myself. My name is Penelope Patterson and I am an actress on Why Me? I am up for best actress award, along with your ex-wife, Rosamond de Cli....uh, Gwinnett."
Billy Bob sighed. "Yeah, so, what's your point?"
"My point is....how would you like to make a certain someone incredibly uncomfortable?"
Billy Bob smiled slightly. "Sounds intriguing. Tell me more."
Penelope explained, "I was John Gwinnett's main squeeze on AND off-screen. He took up with your ex-wife, and I was dumped, both professionally and personally. Mr. Montgomery, I should explain that I do not take kindly to that. The awards ceremony is two weeks from today. I fully intend to blow Miss de Clifford out of the water. I intend to look dynamite, seeing the little tra....the woman has lost weight. And when Mr. Gwinnett sees me and how desirable I am, he'll come crawling back. That is where you come in."
"Where have I been?"
"HA-HA! A sense of humor, too! Now, I propose that you escort me to the awards ceremony with me. You will have a great time, be the escort of a hot looking woman, get a free meal with unlimited liquor. At the same time, you get to stick it to your ex-wife or at the very least, make her squirm."
Billy Bob leaned against the wall. He played with the telephone cord. "And what happens after that?...with them, I mean."
"Rosamond Gwinnett comes off the loser. I am a big star on the soaps circuit and I now have clout. I demand from my producer Alan Kershaw that he buy out Mr. Gwinnett's contract and cast him opposite me on Why Me? It's called divide and conquer...savvy?"
"Savvy."
"Are you game?"
"Just call me Bambi."
"Thought you'd go for it. The awards are November 15th. I'll call you with details. I've seen you. A VERY presentable guy..and I bet you look great in a tux. I'll call you in a few days. Take care. And mum's the word!"
Click!
Jameson and Bobby Joe looked expectantly at Billy Bob. He grinned at the receiver in his hand.
"Well?"
"Gentlemen? It's called..SUBMARINE!"


John was sitting at the breakfast table when Rosamond came downstairs. She had Julie over her shoulder. Julie saw John and held her little arms out to him and started to fuss. Rose shook her head. "Looks like she prefers her daddy to her mommy!"
John said, "If you put her on my lap, I won't have to stretch with this *%$%$^ shoulder."
Rose stood there exasperated. "John, can't you call it anything else? I mean, why can't it just be your shoulder instead of your '*%$%^ shoulder?"
John grinned. "I guess I just started thinking of it that way! I wish I could go to physical therapy for it but I'd have to have a doctor's prescription for it if I had surgery and they'll know right away that it wasn't a 'legal' procedure. Roger gave me some exercises to strengthen the muscles but I sure wish I could go to the gym. I should be alright in a few days. Roger's been keeping a good eye on it."
Rose handed John the baby and she snuggled up next to him, alternately putting her fingers in her mouth and pounding on the table like babies do.
"Hand me that jar of strained bananas, love, and I'll feed her. I think I can do it with one hand." Rose poured him a cup of coffee. "Want me to make you breakfast, honey?" John shuddered, "No bacon, Rosamond. Will you ever learn to not burn it?"
Rose made a face and picked up the paper. "Entertainment section published the list of nominees for the Daytime Drama Awards."
"Marty up for anything?" John was dodging the bananas that Julie was spitting out and throwing. "Got a drop-cloth?"
Rosamond skimmed the list. "Let's see...there! Marty is up for the award, so is that awful Alan Kershaw...you are up against Biff Murdoch."
John looked up. "Wasn't he the guy I replaced?"

Rose shuddered. "Yes--he was HORRID! In one of those scenes, he didn't have a stitch on and he made a grab for me. That's why he got fired." Rosamond resumed her reading. "OK--best actress, let's see...the usual bunch I am up against....ewww, she wasn't kidding! Penelope Patterson? She and Kershaw must have a 'thing' going on." Rosamond put the paper down. She looked expectantly at John. He raised his eyebrow. "What? WHAT?"
She raised her eyebrow too. John sighed, reached into his wallet, drew out his credit card and handed it to her.
"OK, OK--buy yourself the sexiest, slinkiest dress and blow her out of the water, my darling!"
Rosamond threw her arms around him and said, "You know me so well!"
John yellled, "ROSE....!"
She finished his sentence, "Yes, I know, 'my &*(^*& shoulder!"


Wanda Sue pulled up into Sally's driveway. Sally got out and leaned into the car. "Catch up with you later, Wanda Sue? We really should go shopping. I need some 21st century clothes."
Wanda Sue leaned back in the Lincoln's seat. Unfortunately, Sally's gum had dropped onto the headrest and stuck Wanda Sue's head there. She tried to turn her hair right or left. Nada.
"Hey! You and your *&^() Bazooka gum! YOW!" She tried to pull her head away but her hair was stuck. "Hey! You! Go into that house this minute and get a pair of scissors and cut my hair away from this pink nightmare! RIGHT! NOW! THIS! INSTANT!"
Sally said, "Maybe if I..."
Wanda Sue tried to pull her head away and it whiplashed her back. She hissed in a whisper through clenched teeth. "If you don't get me off this headrest right now, I will make you die a painful slow death--cholera will seem like a walk in the park." Sally hurried into the house and returned with a pair of scissors. She hesitated. Wanda Sue whispered, "Don't make me hurt you, my pretty."
Sally closed her eyes and chopped away. By the time she got done, Wanda Sue's black hair was stuck to the bubble gum like a tarantula. Sally screamed and swatted at the 'tarantula' with the scissors. The blades were open and slashed at Billy Bob's prized leather interior, huge gashes in it.
Wanda Sue felt the back of her head. "What the HELL did you do? I have five sections taken out the size of quarters! What am I going to have to do, shave my whole head?"
Sally looked at Wanda Sue's head. "Well, Wanda Sue...you DO have a nice scalp..." "AARRGGHH!" Wanda Sue screamed. She put the shifter into reverse. As she backed out, Sally ran beside her. "What now, Wanda Sue?"
Wanda Sue said, "Home. To see my husband. He has an iron deficency and I'm about to supplement him. With a cast iron skillet!"

Billy Bob heard a car pull up and pulled the drapes very carefully aside. "Damn! She's back! At least the Lincoln is back, too." Jameson was running around pulling closet doors open and trying to stuff his body in any one of them. Bobby Joe started up the stairs. "FREEZE!" Billy Bob yelled out. "I'm not going this alone! There's three of us and one of her---OK, two of the average woman--come on, men! What are we, men or mice?" Jameson was squeaking from a closet. Billy Bob jerked open the door and yanked him out. Wanda Sue slammed the car into park, yanked the door open and shut it with her double-wide hips. She grabbed a frying pan that Bobby Joe had set outside when he cooked bacon. It had been licked clean by the stable cats.

WHERE (whack!) IS MY CAR, DUDES? (whack, whack!)...by Terri

She stomped up the stairs and wielded the frying pan like a samurai warrior with a sword. She flung the door open and yelled, "HONEY? I'M HOME!!"


Silence. Mute. Quiet. Hush. Calm.
They all meant the same thing. Not a creature was stirring...not even a mouse. Or two. Or three.
She kicked the kitchen door open with her foot, still handling that frying pan like it was a loaded pistol. Billy Bob, Jameson and Bobby Joe sat at the table, like a frozen moment. Jameson had the fire extinguisher in his hands under the table. Bobby Joe had a can of pepper spray and Billy Bob had nothing but sheer terror-which can result in phenomenal strength in an adrenaline rush.
Billy Bob attempted a smile. "WANDA SUE! YOU'RE ALIVE! THANK GOD!" He swallowed hard and got up to give her a hug.
"DON'T YOU TRY TO SUGAR-TALK ME, YOU BASTARD! WHERE IS MY CAR?"
She swung the frying pan at his head and he ducked just in time. Billy Bob took off around the table, backing up and not taking his eyes off Wanda Sue the entire time. She menacingly inched forward. With each syllable, she punctuated it with a swing of the frying pan.
"WHERE-IS-MY-CAR?" Swing, swing, swing, swing.
Billy Bob tripped over Jameson's feet and went down on his butt. She continued to come closer. He scooted back on his butt, his feet inching him away from her.
"Car? Wanda Sue, we thought you took it! We thought you took off, honey! Isn't that right, guys?"
They nodded vigorously.
"BULL &*(&!" Wanda Sue yelled. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?"
Jameson and Bobby Joe looked to Billy Bob for an answer. "I think it got stolen. Yeah, that's it! Stolen! Isnt' that right, guys?" They continued to nod vigorously. Yeah, stolen! Good idea, BB!
Wanda Sue lowered her frying pan. "Stolen? Really? Well, that puts a different spin on it. LIAR!!"
"Wh-What did you call me?" Billy Bob stopped in his tracks.
LIAR! LIAR! PANTS ON FIRE!!" Wanda Sue continued to swing the skillet. She caught Billy Bob in the shoulder.
"OW! &*$^&*(! ARE YOU NUTS?"
Wanda Sue grabbed Jameson and thrust him in front of her like a human shield.
She clenched her teeth and hissed, "EITHER YOU TELL ME WHERE THE CAR IS OR HE GETS IT!"
Bobby Joe threw a chair in front of himself and picked it up like a lion tamer with a whip. "What do you intend to do, Wanda Sue? Fry 'im up good?"
She had Jameson in a neckhold and wielded the frying pan. "I'll smack him upside the head and he won't see straight for a month! You'll have to tie him to a chair to get him to sit up."
Billy Bob made a calm down motion with his hands. "Just settle down, Babydoll!" He approached her cautiously like you would a door which you don't know what lies beyond. "Please, babydoll! Just put the skillet down niiice and eeeeasy! Thaaaaat's right."
Wanda Sue had lowered the frying pan. Bobby Joe and Billy Bob exchanged quick glances. Jameson's eyes were darting back and forth in fright.
Bobby Joe yelled out, "NOW!" and they charged forward. But Wanda Sue was quicker. She raised the frying pan. "Just back off or Jameson gets it right between the eyes! I'm not kidding. NOW! The two of you sit down RIGHT NOW and keep your hands on the table." They had no choice but to obey. Their eyes never left the frying pan as they both tried to sit in the same chair. They collided and both of them fell on the floor. Wanda Sue rolled her eyes. "Damn! You guys are like the Three Stooges! It's no wonder you couldn't hold on to Rosetramp, Studmuffin! If you had half a brain between the three of you, you would have arrived in time to stop the wedding. Or at least have been there when they preacher asked if anyone knew, yadayadayada..."

Bobby Joe took the other chair. Billy Bob looked at her. "What do you want, Wanda Sue?"
"I want my car back. I want all my stuff back. What happened to all my clothes? My cosmetics? My jewelry?"
"That crap? That cheap costume jewelry?"
"It is not! It's Sarah Coventry!"
Bobby Joe and Billy Bob looked at each other and shrugged. If it didn't come from Tiffany's, it's not jewelry, Billy Bob always figured. That's where the diamond and emerald necklace I gave Rosamond for Christmas came from, he thought. With a certificate of authenticity.
Wanda Sue continued. "How did my stuff get burned?"
Billy Bob and Bobby Joe again shrugged. Jameson looked at them with pleading eyes. Wanda Sue still had Jameson in a neck hold. She held the frying pan to Jameson's throat like it was a cutlass.
Billy Bob's eyes never left the frying pan. "Babydoll, come on, let Jameson go."
"Not until I get some answers. And they better be the RIGHT ones, too! Or he gets it--right between the eyes!"
"OK, babydoll, what is it you want to know?"
"What happened to my stuff?"
"Your stuff?"
"MY STUFF!"
"OH! That stuff! Uh...uh...Bobby Joe was around. Bobby Joe? Wanna tell Wanda Sue what happened to her stuff?"
"Not really!"
"Give it a shot!"
Wanda Sue kept looking from one to the other and then she lost her cool. "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, STUFF DOESN'T JUST WALK OUTSIDE AND SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!"
Bobby Joe said, "Wanda Sue, we don't know what happened. We came home and found your stuff smouldering."
Billy Bob picked up the conversation thread. "Yeah, that's it! Bobby Joe is right! We came home and found your stuff in a pile and burning. It must be someone who has it in for you, Wanda Sue!"
Bobby Joe asked, "Wanda Sue, have you ticked anyone off majorly lately?"
Flashes of Rosamond in the Gold Rush Days flashed through Wanda Sue's mind. She narrowed her beady little eyes. The wheels began to turn in her mind.
Rosamond de Clifford Gwinnett! That's it! That has to be!
All Wanda Sue could manage was, "AARRRGGGHH! That Rosetramp! I'll get her yet!"


LIKE A BAD PENNY.....by Terri

Rosamond cleared off the breakfast table and loaded the dishwasher. John bounced Julie on his knee. "What are you doing today, honey?" he said.
"I've got a 5:00 PM aerobics class to teach. But I'm meeting Murph at the house and we are selecting flooring and appliances for the kitchen and laundry room. I'm sorry, John--this is going to take a bit longer than our projected February date. Murph is trying to get all the outside structural work done before it starts to snow. You know, skylights and installing dormer windows...."
"DORMER WINDOWS? Who said anything about dormer windows?"
"...and the conservatory/greenhouse. See? Look at this picture in this architectural magazine."
John looked at it, shook his head and said, "If I didn't love you so much and know that your decorating and designing taste were impeccable, I'd be really ticked off. OK, honey--do what you have to do! I'll watch Julie."
"Are you sure? I mean, I can take her with me."
"No, that's OK--Celeste is here to handle what I can't. Besides, I think I'm getting the hang of this pattycake thing. Sometimes I win!"
Rose kissed the top of his head and said, "Honey, there are no rules in pattycake. And no one wins."
"They don't?"
"No."
"Then what was I playing?"
"Beats me! But if you need me, I'm just down the street and my cellphone will be on. I love you!"
Rosamond gave him a hug.
"ROSE....!!!"
She grinned, "Yeah, I know! Your #&^*# shoulder!"
John quickly covered Julie's ears."For shame! In front of the baby!"
Rose laughed, waved good bye and she was out the door.


Wanda Sue thrust Jameson forward with one mighty shove. He went flying into Bobby Joe and Billy Bob and the three of them careened intot he wall. She stormed out of the house, her tent dress flapping in the breeze under her windbreaker. She jumped in her car and roared down the driveway.
Billy Bob picked himself off the floor. Bobby Joe, who sustained the biggest hit, was sitting there rubbing his forehead. "Mama? Me don't want to eat me oatmeal. Don' like it!" Jameson grabbed Bobby Joe's arms and hoisted him up. He slapped his face lightly. "Bobby Joe? Drag yourself forward about twenty-five years. Come on, guy, you can do it!"
Bobby Joe shook his head. His voice took on an adolescent pitch. "Hey, guys! Did you hear what I heard about that Wanda Sue Skaggs? You know, that girl from the trailer park in Biology 101?" Billy Bob crept forward and slapped him a little harder. Bobby Joe got a pleading note in his voice, "Oh, come on, Donna-if you love me, you'll prove it..."
Billy Bob leaned forward. "WHAT?!! MY SISTER?" and with that he punched Bobby Joe in the jaw. Bobby Joe went flying backwards into the wall that he had just hit. He immediately landed in November 2, 2003.
"OW! What was THAT for?"
Billy Bob gave him a dark look. "Nothing. I was just trying to bring you back to the present."
Bobby Joe shook his head. "Where's that Mack Truck gone off to? Are we safe?"
Jameson and Billy Bob looked at each other.
"Uh, oh!" Jameson said. They both said in unison, "ROSAMOND!"
Jameson asked, "What should we do?"
Billy Bob bit his nail. "I suppose one of us should call over to the house on Winding Willow and warn her."
They looked at each other. Billy Bob sighed. "OK, OK, I guess that would be me!"
He picked up the phone and dialed the house.


"Hello?"
"Uh, hi, who's this?"
"Eleanor. Who is THIS?"
"Uh, this is Billy Bob Montgomery, uh, you remember me? Rosamond's first husband?"
Eleanor said coolly, "Yes, I remember you WELL, Mr. Montgomery. And what, may I be so bold to ask, is why are you calling here and what do you want? If it's Rosamond you want, and I can't think of anyone else you would call here, she's not here and even if she was, I wouldn't give her the phone. So if you have any messages for her, you can stuff them in a sack or you can hire a sky writer and have HIM put it in the sky because that is the only way you are getting a message to Rosamond! Do I make myself clear?"
"But you don't understand..."
"Yes, I understand perfectly! Rosamond is happily married to the love of her life, which is NOT you, so leave her and John alone! I mean it! Or you will have to deal with ME!"
"But..."
SLAM!
Bobby Joe and Jameson looked expectantly at Billy Bob.
"So? What did she say?"
"Gentlemen? I am afraid the fair Rosamond is on her own!"
"WHAT?"
"I couldn't get past that watch dog of hers..."
"Jake?"
"NO! AAARRRGGGHHHH! I swear, the two of you are going to be the death of me!"
Billy Bob shook his head and muttered, "I have to find some new people to hang out with!"


"OPEN UP, YOU TRAMP! I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!"
Wanda Sue pounded on the door. Eleanor flung it open.
"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON OUT HERE? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"
Wanda Sue pushed Eleanor aside, which was a hard thing to do.
"Where is she? Where is Supertramp? Off for a romp with Robin Hood? Or is she back in San Francisco, picking up where she left off?"
Eleanor narrowed her eyes. "So it WAS you who sent her there!"
Wanda Sue looked under the couch and flung open the foyer closet. "Come out, come out, wherever you are!"
Eleanor leaned against the wall and waited for Wanda Sue to finish her tirade.
"Where is she! And where is that studly husband of hers?"
Eleanor examined the cuticle of her fingers. Really must get a manicure, she thought.
" "Rosetramp', as you call her, is not here. She will not be back until late tonight." "Then where is the blushing groom?"
"Unavailable. Really, my dear, you MUST know that--tent dresses, I believe they were called?--is totally passe, and that color of windbreaker does nothing for you. Oh, and if you insist on wearing flip-flops, please, do the world a favor? Get a pedicure!"
Eleanor shoved her out the door and locked it.
She brushed her hands together. Honestly! Some people!

Wanda Sue drove down the street. She slowed down. What have we here? A Miata with the license plate of TRI-ME? Who else drives that car?
She slammed the Lincoln into the driveway and walked deliberately up the walk. Yeah, figures Rosetramp would have to custom-design a house. Couldn't get one right off the rack, could she? Wanda Sue marched up the stairs and pounded on the door. From within came a voice. "Let yourself in, Murph, I'm up on a ladder."
Wanda Sue kicked the door open with her foot. Rosamond was on a ladder, holding paint swatches up to the light by the window. Wanda Sue stood there with her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes.
"Well, if it isn't the Rosetramp!"
Rose looked down at her. Like a cat, she preferred the advantage of a higher position so she could pounce on her. She said coolly, "What do you want NOW, lardbutt?"
"That's MRS. MONTGOMERY to you!" Rose sighed. "OK, lardbutt. I tried that name on once, but it didn't fit."
"Lardbutt?"
Rose groaned. "Are you really as dumb as you look, low-rent?"
Wanda Sue stood there perplexed. Because whatever she answered, she'd be making herself look foolish.Wanda Sue shook the ladder.
"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY STUFF??"
Rose held on to the ladder. "Are you out of what is left of your mind? What is your problem?"
Finally Rosamond executed a kickbox kick and caught Wanda Sue by the shoulder. It knocked her down on her ample derriere. It was a little too much for Wanda Sue.
She tried not to tear up. But Rosamond caught it. She climbed down off the ladder and helped her up. "Just because I am helping you up doesn't mean I like you, dirtbag."
Rosamond walked into the kitchen and grabbed a couple of beers out of the refridgerator. She popped the tops off and handed one to Wanda Sue. "Just because I am giving you a beer doesn't mean I like you again, low-rent."
Wanda Sue grabbed it and chugged half it down. She wiped her mouth with her sleeve. Rose looked at her with disdain.
"There is a classy way and a cheap way to drink beer out of a bottle, ho-bag. Excuse me...MRS. MONTGOMERY! Watch!"
Rose delicately sucked back some of her beer. "Now, tell me what you think I did and I will tell you I didn't do it."
Wanda Sue accused her, "You sneaked into the guest house and took all my things, every possession I had and set it on fire!"
"I did WHAT?"
Wanda Sue grew impatient. "Are you deaf? Fire! Combustion! Ashes! Cinders!" Rose looked at her. "And why, pray tell, would I do that?"
Wanda Sue was at a loss for words. She couldn't figure out why Rosamond would do it either. Wanda Sue finished her beer without a word. She headed for the door and turned to Rosamond.
"One question, if I may, Rosetramp?"
Rose raised one eyebrow to her. "What?"
"Why don't you just paint all the walls white?"
Rose sighed, "That's the difference between you and me, lard-butt. You have to ask. I don't."
Wanda Sue turned on her heel and slammed the door.
Rose shook her head. What a waste of space!

Rosamond held the paint samples up to the light by the windows. Hmmm...persimmon? Too red. How about pumpkin? Maybe with the white woodwork....no, that would drive me crazy after a while. How about this one, buttercream yellow? Not bad. Oooh..here's a keylime pie green. No, too tropical.
This is a 200 yr old house. She sighed. Guess I have to go more traditional. But the buttercream is pretty nice...a soft, soft yellow. Rosamond sighed again and climbed down the ladder. Maybe I'd better look at the fabric swatches first. She brewed a cup of tea and sat cross-legged on the floor. A radio played jazz softly in the background.
She looked out the window. November already. The leaves are already down and the snow will start in another month. She walked over to the fireplace. Those bricks need sandblasting. John will pitch a fit. I know he wants to be out of William's place pretty soon. Someone knocked on the door. She got up and answered it. No more "come in". It might be that trainwreck named Wanda Sue.

Murphy the contractor came in, stomping his feet on the mat. "Hey, Miss Rose! Weather is turning colder! Glad we got the windows installed! Now we can concentrate on the inside."
Rose offered him tea. Murph opened up his appliance catalog and showed her what was available in kitchen equipment. "Rose? Are you listening to me?"
"Hmmmm? OH! I'm sorry, Murph. I can't seem to concentrate."
"Well, try! It may take up to six weeks for the appliances to come in." Rose picked out what she wanted but thoughts of Wanda Sue crowded her mind.What does she want? And why does she keep blaming me for everything that goes wrong in her life? Will I ever be free of her? After an hour, Murph packed his contractor briefcase up. "I'll place that order tomorrow, Rose. It's getting late. My wife has dinner reservations."
She walked him to the door. "I'll see you in a few days about the crown molding and flooring, OK?"
"Sure, Murph. Bye."

It was dark outside and Rose was still playing with and arranging paint samples. She heard the door creak open quietly. She jumped up and grabbed a fireplace poker. I swear, I am going to smack that Wanda Sue over the head with this! Why won't she leave me alone? Rosamond hid behind the door leading to the kitchen. She heard someone rummaging quietly in the living room. What is she doing? Robbing me? There's nothing to take! Just sheets all over the place and a couple of old pillows!More rattling around the living room. Maybe it ISN"T Wanda Sue! Maybe it's someone like that Randy Griswold, come to crash for the night. After all, this house was known to be vacant for the longest time. Yeah, that's it. Someone has broken in. Rose held her breath.
After what seemed like an eternity, Rose heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen. Closer...closer...closer. Her chest started to hurt from the tension. Just a little bit more and I...whack...you...over... the...head!!
The kitchen door opened slowly as Rosamond raised the poker."MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Rose caught herself just in time from braining her visitor over the head."JOHN!"

Rose flung the poker away from her and threw herself into John's arms. She was trembling. John stroked her hair and held her tight.
"Darling! What has you so scared?"
"No-nothing, John. I just didn't expect you. I thought you were..I mean, I thought...what are you doing here?" John pointed to his watch. "Honey, it's past eight o'clock. I tried your cellphone but you never answered it."
Rose looked at her phone. No charge. "I'm sorry, I guess I forgot to put it on charge."
John grabbed her by the hand. In the living room he set a blanket on the floor, candles lit and stuck in wine bottles. Next to it was a picnic basket. He lifted the lid. "Inside is Celeste's prize fried chicken, William's cole slaw, some homemade bread and a bottle of the finest Chardonnay I could lift from William's wine cellar. A '73 from the heart of France's vineyards. He'll never miss it!"
Rosamond turned to him. "Darling, this is just too perfect! You are the most wonderful, most thoughtful man in the world....both past and present!"
John grinned. "OK, OK, we got that understood! And guess what? You have me until 11:00 PM....so let's get started on our picnic and see where it takes us!"


EXACTING RETRIBUTION.....by Terri

Wanda Sue woke up on the couch. Where am I? She looked around. Oh, yeah. Sally's spare bedroom. She grabbed the robe that Sally had left out for her. The smell of coffee greeted her. Sally sat there, pouring a cup of coffee and got a second cup out for Wanda Sue.
"So you didn't want to go back to your house, huh?" Sally asked.
Wanda Sue put 6 teaspoons of sugar in her coffee.
Sally looked at her incredulously. "Have some coffee with your sugar, Wanda Sue."
Wanda Sue stirred it around. "I'm afraid to go back."
"Why? Billy Bob wouldn't hurt you."
"No, I'm afraid I may kill him and the rest of the Stooges. Not that I would mind it. But if you kill your spouse, you can't inherit the money."
"Oh."
Wanda continued to stir her coffee. "I just know that Rosebud is behind my stuff being burned. She puts on that innocent act, that 'face of an angel' look. But she doesn't fool me. I've got to get back at her...."
"I thought we did when we sent her to the Gold Rush."
"Don't be stupid, Sally. That was retribution for sending you to the Promised Land. No, this one is for me. What to do...what would really vex her more than anything?"
Sally shrugged.
Wanda Sue clicked her fingers. "OH HO! The one person that she hates more than anyone else...."
"Billy Bob? You are going to fix her up with Billy Bob?"
Wanda Sue rapped Sally on the head. "Hello? Anyone home? Or the lights just on? NO, the one person she would HATE to see. Her old paramour. None other than Henry the Second. Stud for all seasons!"

"Wait a minute..are you trying to tell me that she was the lover of Henry the Second? Of Becket fame? Oh, now I KNOW you are pulling my leg!" Wanda Sue jumped up. "Get dressed, Sally, and grab that coin! You and I are going to do a little time-traveling, and if all goes right, we will bring back a souvenir for Lady Rosamond Gwinnett--the gift that keeps giving and giving...and hopefully grief!" Within fifteen minutes, the two of them were dressed. Sally was dubious. "What if we get stuck there? I heard stories about his crazy son John..."
Wanda Sue waved her fears away. "I've met them. Henry 2 is charming in a sinister sort of way. Kind of like a pirate-rogue...you'll love him...I mean, you'll hate him..he's your type to hate. Thinks women are like ATM machines."
Sally said, "Hey, we owe Rosespud something for that invisible tea, anyhow! Let's go!"

They walked into Sally's backyard, clasped hands and the air began to swirl and glow. When they opened their eyes, they were in the courtyard of Windsor castle.
Sally whistled. "WOW! Would you look at that? Maybe I could sell my house in Chappaqua and buy this one!"
Wanda Sue said, "Forget that! Come on, we have to see a king about a mistress!"

They walked across the moat and knocked on the door. Ferguson the steward opened the door.
"Yes? May I help you, madams?"
Wanda Sue pushed him aside. "Tell Hank we need to see him."
"Ha-Hank?"
"YES!! HA-HANK! Tell him I bring tidings from the New World."
Ferguson sighed and mumbled to himself. "Somethings are better left in the past..the future?....whatever or wherever Mistress Rosamond is..."

Henry looked up from polishing his sword. As he sees the two women approach, he scabbarded his sword and hurried towards them. "Ah, you must be the two cleaning wenches I requested from Lord Buckingham...OH BLAST! It's YOU again!"
His face turned dark.
Wanda Sue got a triumphant look on her face. "Ah, Hank the Deuce! I bring you a little something from the future!"
She unfurled the People magazine that featured Rosamond's wedding. Henry's face turned purple with rage. "She did it! SHE ACTUALLY DID IT! How could she? Gwinnett's not titled...not landed! What is he? A rogue? And adventurer? Dare I even hope that he is a pirate so I would be within reason of hanging him from the highest yardarm?"
Henry looked carefully at the pictures. He hesitated. "There...."
Wanda Sue grabbed the magazine back. "Where..? What?"
Henry grabbed it again. "There...at the side of Rosamond..that small child...dare I hope..? Dare I think it....?"
Wanda Sue grabbed it again. "Oh, that? That is Rosamond's first brat! A kid named Will. He and his lousy dog tripped me in the yard once and blew my cover. Yeah, that's her kid. Hey! You don't mean, that's your kid, too?"

Henry nodded sadly. "She spirited him away a few years ago. She sent me what you call a picture recently and told me that I would never see him again and that Gwinnett was going to...adopt?...adopt him and he would therefore become known as William Gwinnett. Never to remember me. Can you imagine doing that to me...ME? The King?"
Wanda Sue got a devious grin on her face. "Hank? How'd you like to re-acquaint yourself with your son? And pay a visit to the former bed-warmer?"
Sally tugged on her. She whispered, "I thought you were kidding about bringing him back! You're SERIOUS?"
Wanda Sue hushed her. "What say you, Curtmantle? Are you ready for the 21st century?"
Henry got a contemplative look on his face. He rubbed his chin and then broke out in a grin. "Aye...but is the 21st century ready for ME?"
Wanda Sue whooped, "LET'S DO IT!"

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